Looking for thoughts on the end of a relationship

[loveisapain]

So as of today Im pretty much considering myself single. And just alot going on in my head.

 

Most recently I have been feeligm very much I constantly have to walk on egg shells. Watch who I talk to. Ive lost alot of friends over this relationship. She is very insecure and no matter what Ive done she cant trust me. I understand being insecure as I have a hard time with it too. So I completely understand.

 

So last night its got out of control. She got insanely mad over me meaning a female friends name, just for general conversation, thats Ive been friends with for almost 20 years. I tried to reason but she just became escalated. I was tired of this constant unable to reason or that Im constantly lying. Especially when Im not. Ive done nothing but dedicate my life to this person. Giving up some of my own ideals to make them happy. I started realizing in the past month Im not happy. But I continued to try and work everyday to make this person happy.

 

Well once I left, it was very escalated, and texts blowing up my phone. Tried talking but just got hung up on. So Im completely tired of being the one always trying and always managing all the emotions and trying to be reasonable.

 

It just was all feeling like a dead end and the wrong person when I did everything but constantly felt like I was doing something wrong. For example, she would get mad cause I staying home a few night during the week. Just seems very unreasonable.

 

I dont know. Just kind of in my thoughts today

[Downtown]

Pain, welcome to LoveShack. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I constantly have to walk on egg shells.

If you were dating a BPDer, that is exactly how you would have been feeling. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

I've lost a lot of friends over this relationship. She is very insecure and no matter what Ive done she cant trust me.

BPDers (those folks on the upper third of the BPD spectrum) usually try to isolate their partners away from all friends and close family members. This occurs because they typically have very low self esteem, are insecure, and are incapable of trusting anyone who draws close for an extended period. Moreover, their fear of abandonment is so great that this fear is one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD.

 

She got insanely mad over me mentioning a female friends name.

As noted above, if she is a BPDer she has a great fear of abandonment. Indeed, the fear is so great that it will distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. She therefore will frequently see an abandonment threat where it doesn't exist, e.g., in your harmless actions and comments.

 

I'm completely tired of being the one always trying and always managing all the emotions.

BPDers have a stunted emotional development. Hence, like a young child, a BPDer is unable to regulate her own emotions. Indeed, this is such a central feature of BPD that a large share of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for over two decades to change its name to "Emotional Regulation Disorder."

 

A BPDer usually needs intensive therapy to learn how to regulate her own emotions, how to self sooth, how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts"; how to trust others; how to be "mindful" (i.e., to remain in the room instead of escaping in daydreams to the past or future); how to perceive "object constancy" (i.e., to see that your personality is essentially unchanged day to day); and how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate strong mixed feelings, uncertainties, ambiguities, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

I did everything but constantly felt like I was doing something wrong.

If she is a BPDer, you could do no wrong during the courtship period because her intense infatuation convinced her that you were the nearly perfect man who had arrived to save her from unhappiness. Yet, as soon as the infatuation started to weaken -- typically about 4 to 6 months into the relationship -- her two fears would have returned. Once that occurred, it became impossible for you to avoid doing anything wrong. That is, you were always in a lose/lose situation no matter what you did.

 

This sad predicament occurs due to the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, whenever you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Looking for thoughts on the end of a relationship.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. You have already mentioned some of them. If you find that most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Pain.