She reached out after 5 months of NC

[djung87]

Wow its been a while I have posted. I just wanted to share with Loveshack my progress. I have read a lot of threads over my recovery and all the help it has given me on my road to recovery.

 

I have continued to find my own happiness and did not allow this to stop my progress. I have hit the highest I have ever hit in my career and my own business. I am slowly growing more independent and realizing what I need to do to make myself happy. Keep working on yourself and hitting goals guys/gals it will help you find self confidence and happiness again.

 

Give it time guys/gals if you ever been cheated on or dealing with a tough breakup it will get better.

 

After 5 months of completely dead no contact and the final exchange of our goods through a close friend of mine. I still have not spoken or broken no contact at all. She wrote me a letter....I am so far in my progress of my recovery that this is bitter sweet yet so sad at the same time. How do I interpret this?

 

In case its a bit much to read the entire story...short version she cheated on me for 8 months hid it and lied about it and when I gave her the chance to break it off and work on the relationship she refused to let the other guy go. The other guy is married and has 2 kids. After she refused to work on us I cut it off and refused to speak with her since. We were together for 8 years.

 

This is what she wrote to me.

 

Hey,

 

How are you? I've been going back and forth on writing you this letter and I finally decided to do it because I felt that it's time and I need to do this so that I can close this chapter and move on. It hasn't been easy for me emotionally since we broke up. I still think about you everyday and praying for your well-being. There was a period of time where I felt depressed and couldn't stop mentally punishing myself for what I did. Sometimes I still feel that I'm a horrible person. I want you to know that I regret my actions deeply and the way our relationship ended. You meant more than anyone to me and I'm sorry I didn't fight harder for us. I should have been honest with you when my feelings were changing towards you. Perhaps we would still have a chance then. But instead I was in denial for a long time and running away from being truthful to you. I am so sorry how things went down between us and I wish I could take on all the pain because you didn't deserve any of it. At times the feeling of guilt is overwhelming. I've learned that dwelling on the past and feeling about the things I did are not doing me or anyone around me any good. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes and try to be the best I can be moving forward. The present is where we are and all we have to be happy. Live in the now, not the past or future. I hope you do the same and find your happiness. I've loved you and will always have a special place in my heart.

 

-Her name-

 

Guys my initial thoughts were she was just doing this out of her own guilt. Or she is fishing I have no idea. I have decided not to respond or reach out. Any idea what she is trying to say here to me?

[trustyourself]

Wow. That is tough to read even as someone impartial.

 

My opinion?

 

It was written for her own closure. It seems like she has learnt from her mistake, but still feels guilty for what she put you through, and this is a way to express the remorse and move on without the guilt.

 

Take it for what it is. An apology.

 

It is your choice to accept it or not.

 

I think you are making the right choice not to respond for what it is worth.

[InAFog]

I agree. I think writing a letter like that gives her sime kind of closure. And maybe helps her to forgive herself for what she did.

[MadMax20]

Yeah, that letter was for some closure man. The ball is totally in your court though. But I do believe you made the right decision in choosing to not reply. It seems like there's nothing left to really be said anyway

[djung87]

Is it crazy to think she has changed and reconciliation is possible? Only reason I ask is its a 8 year relationship. I am pretty far removed but I still do miss her time to time. Not sure if she wants me to respond or like everyone said she is just trying to resolve her own guilt.

[Marc878]

That letter was for her not you.

 

Never look back or you'll just waste more of your time/life

[minimariah]

Is it crazy to think she has changed and reconciliation is possible? Only reason I ask is its a 8 year relationship. I am pretty far removed but I still do miss her time to time. Not sure if she wants me to respond or like everyone said she is just trying to resolve her own guilt.

 

she probably does not want to reconcile. in fact - everything about her letter to you screams final goodbye. she is telling you goodbye, not wanting to reconcile... at least that's the sentiment i got from the letter. the closure, just like everyone else said.

 

don't respond and keep up with the NC. at the end of the day, she is probably still seeing the married man. move on and focus on you, it is a done deal.

[Downanddown]

Agreed. Its for her not you. Although it must be nice to hear she is\was feeling alot of pain from what she did. Some people dont ever admit there wrong doings and apologize. Its a rare feat.

 

Id sat stay NC.

 

Did she admit to you she was cheating before the BU?

[whatnot]

Is it crazy to think she has changed and reconciliation is possible? Only reason I ask is its a 8 year relationship. I am pretty far removed but I still do miss her time to time. Not sure if she wants me to respond or like everyone said she is just trying to resolve her own guilt.

I've read it twice. I'm missing the part about wanting to get back with you.

[springy]

I don't see reconciliation in that letter, but rather a woman who is struggling to alleviate the guilt she feels for her actions and the way she chose to end the relationship. I think not responding is a wise choice and I hope this does not cause a setback for you. Glad you are doing well.

[DKT3]

Hmm, unlike the others I see this as fishing. It's not a legitimate apology because she didn't even acknowledge her wrong doing, and minimized her actions.

 

Her whole live in the moment crap, and you mean more to her then anyone is a clear sign of fishing. Don't believe me? Don't respond, within the month she will reach out again, maybe through a friend, a quick text or accidentally bumping into you. Wait and watch. She is feeling you out.

[Popsicle]

I would just respond with "Thank you" and that's it.

 

If she says more after that, then ignore.

 

Don't ruin your life and get back with a cheater.

[bluefeather]

She is saying, "I want to vent out my feelings of guilt. So listen to me so that I can make myself feel better."

 

I completely agree with Popsicle. I would keep it as short as "Thank you" and never say anything else. And that's even if you want to say anything at all. You are under no obligation to respond.

[magnesium]

I'm thinking that she may have got dumped by the guy she cheated on you with, and that's when the lightbulb went off in her head that she hurt you, or she is trying to crawl back in a subtle way after being dumped herself.

 

I agree with DKT3, she may be fishing.

Edited August 30, 2017 by magnesium

[ExpatInItaly]

She feels guilty and is trying to relieve that. Also, I have to agree with magnesium that she probably got dumped by her affair partner and is now realizing that she is alone.

 

This letter is an apology, yes, but it's more to soothe her own conscience. I also don't see anything there to indicate that she wants to try again with you, I'm afraid.

 

She showed you she is capable to active and deliberate deception, and not mature enough to bow out of a relationship she no longer wanted to be in. That speaks volumes about her character. She knew how badly that would hurt you and went ahead and did it anyway. There was zero respect and consideration for you.

 

Yes, you were together 8 years. But that doesn't mean you should hold on anymore. You're not married and have no children together; in other words, there is really no reason to try to mend this very broken relationship. You can look back at the fonder memories, but you also need to acknowledge that she is just not the woman you fell in love with. Even if you were to reconcile, chances are very high it would not work out. The trust is completely shattered and the cheating would haunt you. Also, she admits her feelings for you changed. That isn't something a reconciliation would really address. Thus, you would likely find yourselves broken up again anyway because she's still too emotionally detached and disinterested to make it work.

 

You sound like you're on a positive path to recovery. I would thank her for the letter and keep moving. She isn't worth wasting any more of your heart on.

[djung87]

Agreed. Its for her not you. Although it must be nice to hear she is\was feeling alot of pain from what she did. Some people dont ever admit there wrong doings and apologize. Its a rare feat.

 

Id sat stay NC.

 

Did she admit to you she was cheating before the BU?

 

Nope never....she continued to speak to him when I found out. I finally just said either end things or it's over. She said she couldn't so I said it's goodbye then.

[FML_101]

She definitely wrote that letter for herself and not for you. The only time you should reciprocate and potentially attempt to get back together is if she very clearly states she wants to get back together with you along with a heart felt apology. All I saw was an apology. Do not misinterpret that letter. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't reply and then I'd put that letter in paper shredder.

 

If you feel like you NEED to reply, give a one way response and keep it cold. Like, "Thank you for your apology. Regards, djung87". Don't give her an opening to start a dialogue and do not inquire about her life.

 

Don't let yourself fall back on all of the progress you've made and regress. Like you said in the beginning of your post your happiness is most important right now. Alleviating her guilt should be the LEAST important thing in your life right now. After all the positive steps you've made, I would hate to see you attempt to reconcile only to loose months of progress you've made after it doesn't work out the way you've hoped.

 

The only thing that matters is you! What doesn't matter is her or her attempt to alleviate her guilt at your expense.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's just trying to ease her guilt. Nothing more than that. Forget about it and focus on the AMAZING things you're doing in your life!

[frigginlost]

Dude, she's just trying to ease her guilt. Nothing more than that. Forget about it and focus on the AMAZING things you're doing in your life!

 

Agreed.

 

OP, that letter is a f'ing joke.

 

It has nothing to do with you. It's all about her guilt...

[djung87]

Thank you for all the comments and suggestions. I realized it is best to just keep going with my recovery and forget about this person. I just had that moment of weakness but I realized everything said on here is correct. Either she is fishing or just easing her own guilt either way its selfish actions and I deserve better than that. It is hard to keep NC but I proud of myself for not breaking it and continuing to respect myself and rebuilding my life.

 

Thanks Loveshack you guys really helped me through some tough times.

 

To those in pain it does get better just stay strong and focus on yourself and it will naturally get better.

[MadMax20]

Thank you for all the comments and suggestions. I realized it is best to just keep going with my recovery and forget about this person. I just had that moment of weakness but I realized everything said on here is correct. Either she is fishing or just easing her own guilt either way its selfish actions and I deserve better than that. It is hard to keep NC but I proud of myself for not breaking it and continuing to respect myself and rebuilding my life.

 

Thanks Loveshack you guys really helped me through some tough times.

 

To those in pain it does get better just stay strong and focus on yourself and it will naturally get better.

 

Proud of you man, stay strong! We're all in this together somehow!

[Bromeo]

Op, I went through a pretty tough breakup myself last year (mostly my fault of course), and like you, have been nc for about 6 months now.

 

I must say, I am rather envious of her letter. Whether it is her alleviating guilt, wanting to get back together, or wanting closure, on its face it is a complete validation of your feelings, and an apology - things most of us here don't get.

 

You've already gotten solid counsel from the community. By 5 months I was cleared up and feeling centered as well.

 

I used to think of these type of incidents romantically:

 

She still loves me;

Misses me;

Remembers the good times.

 

Post-crazy breakup?

 

She just went through a breakup herself and is lonely;

She realizes I'm better positioned than Chad;

She wants to ease guilt.

 

As another poster frequently states, some women just can't stand the thought of someone thinking poorly of them, leading to outreaches such as this.

 

In actuality, the truth is probably somewhere in the median of the above.

 

Reach out or don't, you are what matters, and you know that.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure what I would do with an apology from mine. I would think for several days, and consult people I trust. The online community can sometimes (sometimes people, chill lol) take a hard stance, so collect opinions.

 

Be safe. You sound in a great place. Don't lose that.

[bluefeather]

Wishing you continued healing, djung.