Continue to break-up or saving the relationship??

[sevencoloriris]

I met this guy like 4 months ago. The first two months were great. We sticked to each other like magnets. We planned a vacation together to Australia for one week. He introduced me to his family, parents, brothers, cousins, etc.

After two sweet months, we started having problems. Sometimes I felt like I have lost my old habits and life because all of the time beside works, I was just be with him. I haven't met or hangout with my friends or coworker often as I did. My schedule was sticked with his all the time. It continued like that to the point I wanted to change that. So I suggested him to have some space for each of us. I told him that we can have 2 or 3 days in a week for other plans, it means we may not meet each other in those days. He was upset at first and said that I didn't love him enough. Later, he reluctanly accepted my requested. But he then turned to cold and difficult to communicate. For example, he ignored me the whole weeks, he planed other things in the days that we supposed to meet. I had a feeling that he was punnishing me for asking space. I required a talk and he said he was just busy and that I asked for my space so he must have his own.

The distance between grew bigger. My ego sometimes got hurt too and made me play cold to him again. But after many fights with my inner thoughts, I finally decided that I have to be patient with him. I stopped complaining and found activities to balance myself such as drawing, reading etc. He came back but on and off and never gained the old enthusiasm he once had for me.

 

He was also undergoing a major change in his career. He had big offers for career development so he had to fly out of town few days a week for that. I wanted to play a supportive role to him. I put aside my own need of care and attention, when we talked or met, I just ask about his work, his concerns, his problems, etc. When he said he felt difficult to sleep, I made special tea and brought to his place. I went to airport at midnight to pick him, just to see him few minutes, dropped him at his place then went home to let him rest after the flight. He texted me to thank me for doing that for him, for sacrifying my needs to think for him. I was happy because he could notice that. However, he was drawn away by his works soon after and again I was put aside. But I didn't complain... until last week..

 

So, two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with ovarian cyst and doctor suggested me to do surgery. I texted him about it. He texted back asking about my condition and suggested me to follow Doctor's suggestion. I told him I will plan a surgery after a week.

I planned my surgery and told him via text that I will check-in hospital on Friday and hopefully the surgery will be done on Saturday. But during that week, he wasn't in town. He won't be back until Saturday evening. So I checked in hospital alone on Friday. I texted him asking "did you know that I went to hospital today?" He said "No, you didn't say anything about it". I thought I did tell him, twice. But maybe he didn't remember, because he was too busy. So I told him about the surgery plan the next day. He showed that he really cared. He told me that "if you could delay your surgery one or two weeks, you would have me there with you". I felt very happy when he said that. It showed that he really cares for me. It is ok for me as he will come back to town late in Saturday so he can be in hospital on Sunday. That is already good. I told him not to worry, the surgery will go well. He asked who will be there during the surgery. I said I asked a colleague of mine to come. He asked for my colleague's number. I gave her number to him thinking that he would call her to ask about my condition after surgery. I prepared my colleague that my BF may call.

 

So, on the surgery day, I went into surgery room from 10am and woke up at 1pm. But they kept me in intensive care room until 5pm. I was taken to my room when my condition was believed stable in late afternoon. The first thing I asked my colleague when I saw her was "Anybody called you?" She said "yes, your aunt and family called me like crazy, every ten minutes to ask how the surgery went" (well, my family lived in other city and I didn't tell them that I had surgery until the last minute so they couldn't be there).

I asked my colleague: " Did you receive any call from my BF?", she said No.

I grabbed my fone when I was still feeling dizzy from anesthesia, called my family first to let them know that I am ok now. They need to hear my voice, I am sure. Then, I texted my BF, telling him that I just got back to the room. He called and asked if I felt pain. And he said he is on the way to the airport. I told him I am ok and wished him a good flight back. The last thing I said was "I hope to see you soon".

 

My colleague left after that. I was in the hospital alone. Couldn't move so everything happened on the bed. But the nurses from hospital really helped me with everything. I was laying in bed and thinking that my BF will come next morning to see me. But No. He didn't come, not even a text asking how I was. I had been waiting for his appearance, or call, or even text until noon but nothing. I texted him asking Why he didn't come and see me or text me. He texted me back saying he was busy. He planned his work on that Sunday and couldn't make it to go and see me. I texted back "I see". He then went silent since then.

The whole Sunday, no text, no call, nothing. I was shocked in disappointment. I didn't even recognize the person anymore. The person used to be so caring and attentive, but now so cold and indifferent. I shared the room with another lady who had a husband took days off to stay in hospital to take care of her. Whenever I looked at them, I felt so sad for myself. Being in hospital alone is a horrible feeling. When you are in the most vulnerable moment, you just need to lean on someone you care. I am normally a very strong and independent girl, but in this kind of moment, I need my BF to be there for me. But what I got is the coldness from him.

After three days in hospital, I was able to go home. Just then he texted me. He explained why he didn't text me on Sunday. It was because he was angry at me. He was upset because I didn't understand for his situation. He was so busy and couldn't make it to the hospital even though he knew he should be there. He even said " you planned to do the surgery by yourself, so you must be prepared to be alone".... It was cruel thing to hear, yes. He later apologized for saying that to me.

I apologized for making him upset and told him I will go to his place in that evening and asking for his time availability. He said he will be ok from 10pm.

10.10pm, I showed up at his door. I rang doorbell few times but no one there. I texted then called his phone but not connected. I waited outside the door until 11pm. He showed up, saying that he was coming back from a dinner with his friend/colleague or whatever. I even didn't complain about he letting me wait for almost an hour. It wasn't important anymore.

I waited for us to set on his sofa, then I started telling him that I want to break up with him. I told him that I have realized my position in his priority ranking after the incident in the passing weekend. That I think we are so different and we should stop here.

He said "if you say so, I have nothing else to say".

It was a quick breakup. I grabbed the stuffs that I left in his place and walked out of the door. He was standing there at the door and said "it was quick huh"? meaning that our relationship has ended so fast. I smiled and said "Bye" before walking in the elevator.

 

His ego was so big to admit his mistake or say sorry, until next morning.

 

Next morning, he sent me a text, saying that he was sorry for his wrong doings, that he knew he should be there for me but he was so busy with his works and couldn't make it. I didn't take that in. Because it was me to be upset now. I told him no need to say anything anymore. We will be alright in our own terms.

 

So, it has been a week since our break up. I still feeling upset and couldn't forget what happened. But I do feel that is a pity to end things with him. I used to feel really happy with him. Although I am still angry and hurt, but I miss him. I even dreamt about him more often since. Deep inside, I know he is a good man. How can I overcome this upset feeling to talk to him again? Should I just let this break-up happens and end things between us for good? Or I should bridge our gap and cure this relationship? I am totally clueless.

 

Have you ever had a Love-Hate feeling for someone? I think I am having one. And I really want to know what to do next.

 

I am maybe a bit childish, stubborn and let my ego controls, but how can I overcome the pain of being ignored by the man I love? anybody can help share some experience or advice?

[d0nnivain]

You aren't going to like my answer.

 

Yes, your BF should have done something for you while you were in the hospital but you two were only together for 8 weeks. It was unreasonable for you to expect the same level of support from him that you would get from somebody you had been with for 2 years. He couldn't very well reschedule a business meeting for your illness.

 

You also knew he was out of town for work. That is no excuse for not texting, sending a car or flowers. Still he had a good reason for not being there.

 

You have now seen his true colors. He's not somebody you can rely on in a time of crisis. His behavior at his house, making an ill woman wait an hour was horrible.

 

I'm glad your surgery went well & you are mending. Give your heart time to mend too.

[sevencoloriris]

Thank you for your reply.

Yeah, I shouldn't expect too much. But it still hurts. And his behaviors before showed me that it is reasonable for any of us to require such attention from the other in similar situation.

 

One day he got a cold, I heard about that in the morning when he texted me. At lunch break, I rushed to grab some medicines to give him at his office. I put a note that " I hope this can help you feel better when I am not there to take care of you". On that evening, I had schedule to go for dinner with my friends. Before going to dinner, I called and talked to him on the phone asking how he was. He sounded ok. So I spent few hours with my friends without checking my phone. After that, he showed that he was so upset at me because I didn't ask how he was during my time away with my friends. 4 hours without a text from me made him angry. He said that he was in weak moment and he expected that his GF (me) to be there for him but I didn't text him. He accused me for "using the medicine I gave him as an excuse for not caring about him". I was thinking he was overeacted but I felt empathy for him as he was sick.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, you both seem to be fast-tracking from "honeymoon phase" into "long term relationship" mode. When you've been dating each other for so short a time it's unreasonable to expect each other to act like a committed husband/wife. However he said and did some very nasty things so on his side it's not just unreasonable expectations but terrible character traits as well.

 

4 hours without a text from me made him angry. He said that he was in weak moment and he expected that his GF (me) to be there for him

Goodness, if someone did that to me they wouldn't see me again. Talk about controlling.

[d0nnivain]

If he got angry at you for failing to reach out to him for 4 hours while you were having dinner with friends because he had a cold, he's an even bigger hypocrite for not being there for you while you were in the hospital.

 

I still think it's too soon for you two to be so involved / dependent but if that was your norm, I can see where you would be hurt.

 

I came down with a bad cold on my honeymoon. After all the running around, stress & pressure of wedding planning plus getting caught in a downpour when we arrived in Ireland unprepared for the weather, I got sick. I wanted my new husband to go away, not tend to me. I'd never been sick with somebody else around & it felt awkward & stifling to me. I can't imagine wanting a new BF of only a few months at my hospital bedside. Talk about lack of boundaries.