I can't seem to break it off

[s492m]

First and foremost I know what I am doing is wrong.

 

I have been in a a relationship for 3.5 years and recently met someone else and I seem to have fallen head over heals for them.

 

The long term relationship isn't perfect and for the last year or so I have wanted out but not had the courage to do it. I finally initiated the conversation with my partner last week then decided I wanted to make it work because I didn't want to be that guy who breaks someone's heart yet at the same time I know what I am doing is completely wrong because I told the other person that its ended with the LTR.

 

The chemistry in the LTR seems to have gone - I have not initiated sex in over a year and most days I spend more time thinking about being alone than with my partner. At the same time I dont even know how this new person feels and whilst I dont want another relationship I do want to get to know the other person better.

 

Additionally my LTR and I live together and I am worried about how he will cope if we split in the sense will he be ok living alone, etc...

 

I feel this emotional turmoil and heartache because whilst I love and care about him I know I am causing him harm by being here and not letting him find the person who will love him the way he should be loved.

 

I dont even know what I am writing this for - I just need to let it out

[Arieswoman]

s492m,

 

I can't seem to break it off

- Incorrect - you don't want to break it off until you have a nice soft landing somewhere else.

 

It's called being a selfish, entitled, user.

 

If you don't like that title then do something about it.

 

Move out and give your partner the chance to be with someone who isn't so half-hearted about them.

[s492m]

i completely agree that I am being a total A$$ by even being here in this relationship. A part of me really wants to make it work and I am going through a total rollercoaster of emotions in terms of wanting to make it work one day then the next wanting to be alone. I am confident that I will never meet someone who will love me and cherish me the way my current partner does and despite that a part of me is willing to throw it away for GIGS

[Zahara]

i completely agree that I am being a total A$$ by even being here in this relationship. A part of me really wants to make it work and I am going through a total rollercoaster of emotions in terms of wanting to make it work one day then the next wanting to be alone. I am confident that I will never meet someone who will love me and cherish me the way my current partner does and despite that a part of me is willing to throw it away for GIGS

 

Really? A part of you really wants to make it work? How do you make it work when you're cheating? Wanting to make it work does not entail cheating. Wanting to be alone does not entail playing two men. All that is baloney. It's not that you can't -- you don't want to because you want to stick to use your LTR which is a solid until you can find security in your new guy.

 

You make excuses to justify staying where you are. You like the comfort and familiarity of your LTR and the excitement that's lacking in your relationship with this new guy.

 

The bold - selfish mentality. End it with your LTR and allow him to find someone who will love him and treat him with respect.

[s492m]

I want to and I know he deserves someone who will give him the love he deserves but I have no idea how to end it.

 

I would love to be able to give him everything he deserves and yet I know I cant.

 

When I said those words to him he refused to believe me - he thinks I am making this up and yet I dont know how put into words what I feel.

[Zahara]

I am confident that I will never meet someone who will love me and cherish me the way my current partner does and despite that a part of me is willing to throw it away for GIGS

 

This is the reason why you cannot follow through with your decision. You want to latch on to a sure deal as long as it makes you feel better.

 

You would love to give him all the things he desires but what you desire takes precedence.

 

Why not tell your partner you are cheating and that you want to pursue a relationship with this new guy -- maybe that will help him move on and accept that the relationship is dead. You seem to want it all -- maybe start by being honest.

[kfey]

Why not tell your partner you are cheating and that you want to pursue a relationship with this new guy -- maybe that will help him move on and accept that the relationship is dead. You seem to want it all -- maybe start by being honest.

 

This will probably make him hate the OP. Yes, it will kill the relationship dead. The OP wants to live with hurting his partner even more than he already has been.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have been your partner before, a few years ago now.

 

It was very obvious to me that my ex had emotionally checked out and I had had a sneaking suspicion that he'd fallen for someone else. We lived together, and had been together nearly 8 years so I knew him well. And I knew him well enough to know that something was very wrong. It was miserable because he wouldn't just come out and say that he wanted out, so I was left totally confused about what he wanted to do and what exactly was up with him.

 

Finally, he just ripped the band-aid off. Yes, it was hard. It was emotional for both of us, and we took a while sorting out the logistics. But we both knew it was coming. I stayed in our shared apartment while he stayed with a friend (and later the woman I discovered he'd been seeing behind my back) He continued to pay his share since we still had a lease that we couldn't break. We both moved everything out and went our separate ways after the lease was up.

 

I am so much happier now. Looking back, I can see how much we had drifted apart and how bored I was with him, given he was putting in such little effort. My current man blows him right out of the water, in many ways.

 

My point in telling you this: your partner will be hurt, but he will eventually move past it and move on. I guarantee you that you are not doing any favours staying with someone you no longer want to be with. And I also guarantee he knows your attention is with someone else. Even if he never has any solid evidence of your cheating, it's usually far more obvious than you realize. When you know someone well, you know when they're acting off.

[s492m]

I dont expect sympathy and I know that everything I am doing is wrong and it tears me up inside.

 

Am I fearful of the unknown? I sure am yet at the same time I dont know how to tell him. We spoke last week and I told him that I wanted to be alone to reevaluate everything. The spark has been long gone to the point I almost see him in a platonic sense.

 

When I spoke to him he said I could make it work and that I am making excuses and need to get more in touch with my emotions. We jokingly spoke about breaking up and then ignored it.

 

I dont know where to start on ripping off the band aid.

[d0nnivain]

You will break it off when you are ready. It's a serious relationship so it's not that easy to untangle.

 

Do tell the other person that you aren't free. Don't cheat.

[s492m]

You will break it off when you are ready. It's a serious relationship so it's not that easy to untangle.

 

Do tell the other person that you aren't free. Don't cheat.

 

i feel like a fraud though knowing that I am holding back my partner from healing. I deserve the consequences for my action.

 

The other person knows the situations and I dont even know if he wants to be with me let alone me wanting another relationship. I just enjoy being around him and I feel inexplicably drawn to him. The only temptation I have had is to want to kiss him and feel that spark which I did once.

[d0nnivain]

Perhaps this other guy will be the impetus you need to move on from the relationship that is not working for you. You know you can't stay. break up sooner rather than later. In a few months you will be facing the holiday & that will be your excuse

[s492m]

Perhaps this other guy will be the impetus you need to move on from the relationship that is not working for you. You know you can't stay. break up sooner rather than later. In a few months you will be facing the holiday & that will be your excuse

 

this other person has been the impetus for me to move one. before I met him whilst the thought had occurred I always backed off and thought better to be comfortable than walk away.

 

I know I can't stay - but i dont know how to leave.

[d0nnivain]

You leave by getting your ducks in a row:

 

When is the lease up? Are you on it? If not, just walk. If yes, can you afford to keep it on your own & will the landlord let your StBEX off without a hassle or vice versa? If not, how confident are you that you can break the lease & have the landlord get a new tenant quickly? Can you sublet the space?

 

 

Next where are you going in the short term? Get some movers lined up etc.

 

 

As much as it's an emotional issue, it's also a logistical one.

[s492m]

You leave by getting your ducks in a row:

 

When is the lease up? Are you on it? If not, just walk. If yes, can you afford to keep it on your own & will the landlord let your StBEX off without a hassle or vice versa? If not, how confident are you that you can break the lease & have the landlord get a new tenant quickly? Can you sublet the space?

 

 

Next where are you going in the short term? Get some movers lined up etc.

 

 

As much as it's an emotional issue, it's also a logistical one.

 

Lease is still running for another 6 months but I could ask the landlord about options and pay for the reletting.

 

We had a lengthy discussion last night about the way things are and I guess we are going through the motions.

[breadbin]

Forget about the lease, it pales in comparison to what is going on around you. I agree with whoever said 'be honest'. He will hate you for cheating but he will hate you even more for stringing him along. I suggest you come out straight and tell him. Then the lease will sort itself out. Sit him down and just come out with it. Face to face. You have to. You literally have no other choice. You might be able to salvage a friendship at this point. But that is a long way off.