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depression


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 19th August 2017, 4:25 PM   #1
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depression

Honestly, i shouldnt even be on here any more since its been about 13 months broken up. My stories on here somewhere. I just wanna update though as im in a tough spot in life and my soul, mind and body are tired of fighting.

Well lets just say this summer was alot of fun. Went out with friends and what not. We partied like it was the end of the world. I slept with 5 girls in one month. Got my associates in science. lets get to the bad.

I broke no contact many time after being drunk and seeing her out at the same bars as me and it completely ****ed my head up real good. One night i seen her out with her new boyfriend, and he said something to me so i beat the **** out of him. Terrible, i know but he got in my face. She also swung at me.

Here i am now summer dwindling down, The depression i face is nearly unbearable. The loneliness i wake up with is crippling along with the anxiety. I miss her, i miss a demon and it tares me up inside. No matter how many girls i sleep with it doesn't go away. She was my everything as crazy as she was i loved her with all my heart. Its like im stuck in a horrible night mare that wont go away. My friends and family are tired of hearing anything about it.

I guess im here again because i cant hide it any longer i need some encouraging words, some inspiration. She really damaged my head bad some times i feel im insane because of it. To make matters worse the girls ive like in recent months that have rejected me have also just added to the sick feeling in my stomach of worthlessness. I just cant cope with how some one can literally erase you from there life after spending everyday with you for five years. I didn't deserve any of it.

Im going to therpy in like two weeks as i feel i need bring professional help in at this point. Im scared of self destructing and destroying myself over something that happend 13 months ago, it feels like minutes ago to me. I just cant seem to let go. The thoughts haunt me all day long. She just dropped me for some loser and completely replaced me. Im honestly all messed up from it as far as i came im tired of battling. Now im not even getting drunk or high to have fun just to numb out reality.

Please just some one inspire me to keep fighting, i still miss her so much it makes my stomach turn. Some mornings i dont even wanna wake up. I know she dont even think about either because hearing stuff from mutual friends that i shouldnt, she has completely moved on and does not care about me at all. Also the rejection from other girls is destroying me too. My desire to live in this cruel world is basically gone what ever is left is just a negative outlook. I feel like ill never find anyone ever again because how could i when im so mentally unstable. i am worthless
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Old 19th August 2017, 4:45 PM   #2
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Don't wait two weeks. See someone as soon as possible. You can get in same-day with many therapists.

When you go, be very honest and open. Tell everything you laid out here, and more. And listen to your therapist. Follow the instructions they give you. Get your ego out of the way and trust them. Invest yourself in what they tell you and you will improve.
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Old 19th August 2017, 5:32 PM   #3
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Oh, good, you're going to go to therapy. When we get stuck like this, we need therapy or meds or something. In therapy you'll hopefully find out why you can't accept it's over even though she has been clear you are not right for each other. Sometimes the reasons run deep and back into childhood.

So just hang in there and be honest in therapy. Good luck.
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Old 19th August 2017, 6:39 PM   #4
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Pump, thanks for returning to give us an update. I agree with Kfey and Preraph that you are wise to be seeing a therapist ASAP for guidance on healing from your depression. Please don't be afraid to take an anti-depressant for a couple of months to give yourself some relief and to speed your recovery.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pumpingiron34 View Post
She really damaged my head bad some times i feel im insane because of it.
if you were dating a BPDer for 5 years as you suspect, it is not surprising that you still are feeling like you may be going "insane." Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

Quote:
Im scared of self destructing and destroying myself over something that happend 13 months ago, it feels like minutes ago to me. I just cant seem to let go. The thoughts haunt me all day long.
There are several reasons why it is so painful to walk away from a BPDer relationship you've been in for five years. The primary reason is that walking away from a BPDer feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. As we discussed in your earlier thread seven months ago, a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old. Hence, although a BPDer is able to love very intensely, it is a very immature form of love -- and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning.

A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. Consequently, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). We therefore are strongly attracted to a child-like woman who can project her vulnerability across a crowded room.

A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate.

Quote:
I shouldn't even be on here any more since its been about 13 months broken up.
As noted above, staying away from a 5-year BPDer R/S is extremely painful and difficult to do. We want to keep helping you here at LoveShack as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping numerous other members and lurkers. Your January thread, for example, attracted over 6,500 views.

Quote:
I need some encouraging words, some inspiration.
Pump, I suggest that -- while you're waiting for the therapy appointment -- you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and also read No Contact: The Right Way. Both are professionally written articles at BPDfamily. Another good article is Pain of Breaking Up at the Psychology Today website. Take care, Pump.
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Old 19th August 2017, 8:50 PM   #5
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You actually don't miss her. the break up happened for a reason. You miss the good times. You missing having somebody special. You will get those again.

You are doing better then most. Other parts of your life are moving forward. You got your AA. Congratulations! Good for you.

You had sex at least 5x in one month -- again more than most.

I suspect if I asked any of those women why they ended up rejecting you, they'll all say the same thing: you are still not over your EX. That's OK. Everybody grieves & heals at their own pace.

I'm glad you're getting help but seriously, just let her go & have faith that bigger & better things are coming your way
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Old 19th August 2017, 10:00 PM   #6
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Sorry you are going through this. There seems to be a lot of "anniversaries " on the boards at this time (mine included).

Rejection sucks but it is a part of dating. You have to get numb to it and realize women are doing you a favor by rejecting you rather than leading you on and consuming your limited resources.

As Donnivian stated, it's not her you miss. It's the feeling she gave you. She can no longer give you that feeling but there will be a girl who can. You're not ready for it yet - anything serious now would be premature.

My ex left me after 7 years with no reason. It sucks, but I have to accept it. It's been a year and it hurts less because I am accepting it and I have heard nothing about her and (almost) nothing from her. You need to eliminate her from your life which includes any news about her. Don't go where she may be for now. She is dead to you.

And please don't resort to violence. As bad as it is now, imagine if you get a felony assault charge? Your degree will become meaningless and you won't ever be able to get a good job.

This sucks, but I'll bet you in 10 years you'll be over it (sooner I'm sure). That said, look at this as temporary. It sucks, but it will end.

Good luck bro.
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Old 20th August 2017, 5:16 AM   #7
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if it's any consolation Pumpingiron, you're not alone. I'm about a year and a half removed from a 7 year relationship and I'm still very much thinking of my ex. A part of me wonders if it isn't because I have had serious medical issues to attend to which began at the breakup. this took up most of a year of consultations and treatments. It's left me feeling vulnerable. My life changed completely ... it seems. In the blink of an eye. Before the breakup...I was doing things that were "big" in life. I had been living on a 56' Hatteras for 7 years. I had a pretty girlfriend who was fun and exciting to be around. I had a new 911 and a Ferrari. I bought and sold airplanes...at my leisure....to supplement a pretty good passive income stream I'd worked up to before meeting my ex. I'd never been sick a day in my life...and was strong and able-bodied. (I noticed your screen name).

My g/f and I broke up. I got sick. These two things led me to sell the boat. I sold my cars. It was a year of consults with doctors and treatments. The treatments and illness left me feeling 10 years older. And I *am* older as well. I bought the boat when while in my early 50's. I met my ex at about that same time. When things fell apart...I found myself in my late 50's. I'm now 59....but sometimes feel 69. My treatments have left me feeling as if I will never be able to be intimate with a woman again the way that I could before my treatments.

I went through a period of depression. I'm now seeing a therapist and it's helping. In 2006....when I went through a divorce....it took me 2 years before I was ready to date again. I met my ex at the 3 year mark after my divorce. So....just that in itself tells me that it takes along time. It did then...and I needed help then as well to move on. I'm seeing the same therapist now that I saw after my divorce. He got me on my feet then...and he's helping me to again.

These issues are real. We can read where others move on so quickly after a breakup. We can see where our significant other *seems* to be moving on. Ben Franklin said...."Trust none of what you read, none of what you hear, and only half of what you see". It's been proven to me that what we (or, for me anyway)...what I *think* may be happening is not always true. Outside appearances are not inner realities. My ex wife left me for another man. It was 2 years later that we next spoke. She wanted to see me. I had no interest whatsoever. Haven't had the urge to speak with her ever since. What I though I loved about her....when we spoke at the 2 year post divorce mark....those were the very things that I realized turned me off! The way she talked. The was she was. She wasn't anyone I wanted to be with anymore. It "sealed the deal" for me....and it isn't something I miss.

So this stuff isn't a "ram, bam, thank ya ma'am" kinda thing. These are life changes. Changes in *my* life....true chapters being closed....and new frontiers opened....for me...these changes in my life...and life style changes....they're fought for (seemingly)....though rather than fought for...more of "a price to be paid"....as in pain. But the pain is worth the gain? It certainly has always been proven that way for me in my life so far.

Stay away from the drink. Stay away from the women for a while (ok...just the women...no drinkin'....."show me a man with no vices...and I'll show you a man that can't be trusted" - Mark Twain. I don't know why I quoted that quote....just always liked it I guess)

Do stay away from drinking. It doesn't help you to process your pain. It masks it.

The reading of your post isn't the reading of a person who will not get better and begin to feel better at some point.....(hopefully soon...it can work that way...believe it or not).....This too shall pass.....that's the only promise I can make to you.

Good luck in your healing. And remember....this has not been that long of a time after a breakup with someone who was extremely important to us.

Hang in there brosky. You'll be *fine* (I hate that word, as well as the saying itself...even if true....which it *will* be for you).

Take care
David
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Old 20th August 2017, 5:27 AM   #8
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lol ....and stay away from that woman
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Old 20th August 2017, 6:57 AM   #9
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Nope.

I won't be helping you wallow in misery. Won't be encouraging this behavior at all. Won't be helping you to make it seem normal and acceptable.

Move on with your life, man. Stand up and be a man.
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Old 20th August 2017, 7:11 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pumpingiron34 View Post
Honestly, i shouldnt even be on here any more since its been about 13 months broken up. My stories on here somewhere. I just wanna update though as im in a tough spot in life and my soul, mind and body are tired of fighting.

Well lets just say this summer was alot of fun. Went out with friends and what not. We partied like it was the end of the world. I slept with 5 girls in one month. Got my associates in science. lets get to the bad.

I broke no contact many time after being drunk and seeing her out at the same bars as me and it completely ****ed my head up real good. One night i seen her out with her new boyfriend, and he said something to me so i beat the **** out of him. Terrible, i know but he got in my face. She also swung at me.

Here i am now summer dwindling down, The depression i face is nearly unbearable. The loneliness i wake up with is crippling along with the anxiety. I miss her, i miss a demon and it tares me up inside. No matter how many girls i sleep with it doesn't go away. She was my everything as crazy as she was i loved her with all my heart. Its like im stuck in a horrible night mare that wont go away. My friends and family are tired of hearing anything about it.

I guess im here again because i cant hide it any longer i need some encouraging words, some inspiration. She really damaged my head bad some times i feel im insane because of it. To make matters worse the girls ive like in recent months that have rejected me have also just added to the sick feeling in my stomach of worthlessness. I just cant cope with how some one can literally erase you from there life after spending everyday with you for five years. I didn't deserve any of it.

Im going to therpy in like two weeks as i feel i need bring professional help in at this point. Im scared of self destructing and destroying myself over something that happend 13 months ago, it feels like minutes ago to me. I just cant seem to let go. The thoughts haunt me all day long. She just dropped me for some loser and completely replaced me. Im honestly all messed up from it as far as i came im tired of battling. Now im not even getting drunk or high to have fun just to numb out reality.

Please just some one inspire me to keep fighting, i still miss her so much it makes my stomach turn. Some mornings i dont even wanna wake up. I know she dont even think about either because hearing stuff from mutual friends that i shouldnt, she has completely moved on and does not care about me at all. Also the rejection from other girls is destroying me too. My desire to live in this cruel world is basically gone what ever is left is just a negative outlook. I feel like ill never find anyone ever again because how could i when im so mentally unstable. i am worthless

Hey dude thanks for sharing and your not insane far from it. It's been 12 mths for me and I'm the same. Past experience has taught me wth love well for me anyway it takes a good two to three yrs to get over em. Everyone's different but on average from what I hear and read at least a cpl yrs.

Only tonight I broke down myself it's the loneliness it's crippling. My advice and it's something I learnt from my past. Wait till ur a little more healed before dating. Rebounds are ok as long as u realise wen those end it can be double pain. Therapy is good it'll help fast track your healing. Just let yourself feel even those horrible feelings have some short term goals to look forward to like a trip overseas. Actually my 1st heartbreak over 25 odd yrs ago I was devastated for yrs and was just was couldn't believe I still thought or this girl. Then I went overseas for the 1st time i went on my own to sth America met Maradona it was a life changing trip In more than a few different ways. The people on that trip particularly these 2 older guys really helped me let go of that relationship. I'd finally moved on. U know u r healed when u can look in the mirror and walk away and that's what I did. She yelled out my name as I was cycling passed I turned around to see who it was she was smiling I waved and never came back and kept moving forward.. a yr a so later i was invited to her wedding wth the next soulmate and I was just indifferent and felt no more feelings wen I was looking at her on stage. I was really into my new gf. That was exact 3 yrs later since we met. However life's always interesting and that new gf didn't work and again it was the same pain if not worse. The next 12 mths were excruciatingly painful especially what i found out about her and i rebounded for comfort it took again 3 yrs and then as i really let go I met my then wife and we were together 10 yrs and that fell apart that tool a little longer to get over because I really tried to move on too fast and again I rebounded a few mths later. That rebound lasted 3 yrs and she ended up cheating wth a close friend of mine well they both cheated. That almost destroyed me but I got over her after 10 mths wth counselling it wasn't really love but the betrayal especially wth my friend really was hard. Then I met my next soulmate about the best connection I've had lasted 6 yrs but she came wth a package kids and it wasn't easy. And here I am 12 mths later trying to get over her. We work together as well and it's been hell. Anyway life never seems to get easier I look at some of my other friends and think boy ur lucky same woman for 20 yrs not like me 5 painful experiences. I see my role in it tho.

Here I am in my mind 40's no kids really unsettled confused about what direction to take next. Not how i imagined life to be at all at this age for me. But it is what it is and it's my choices that have led me to this point.

any way I hope u got something out of my own life's journey. Just time dude just time will heal
Do the counselling tho it will give you a good handle on things

Last edited by Goodguy05; 20th August 2017 at 7:20 AM..
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Old 20th August 2017, 10:24 AM   #11
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It will take more than sleeping with a few girls to forget the love. Trust me. You need to fill your life with things that make you happy. I'm in a similar situation to you. I'm 11 months post break up and never felt anything like it. I thought I was in love before but I now know I never was! I have my good days and bad days but still feel as if i'm getting through it. I was hoping I would be well over her now but in my case she keeps stringing me along. Drags out the pain.

I can empathise with you about the loss. Every relationship is different and the loss you feel is proportionate to the amount of love you felt. But yeah some days are a struggle. I don't know in my case is it a reactive depression to the breakup but I am not myself. I'm getting there though and so will you. And even then I don't think it is a depression either. My mood is great but like you said I'm self destructive. It's like I don't care, I have no direction, just working away, trying to improve myself here and there but my heart isn't in it. I wouldn't even start another relationship now.

Reminds me of a song - I Need Direction by Teenage Fanclub
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