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Just seen my ex on Tinder... I'm not sure what to feel...


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 19th August 2017, 2:18 PM   #1
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Just seen my ex on Tinder... I'm not sure what to feel...

So after 14 months together, I broke up with my ex 3 1/2 months ago, 2 1/2 has been NC, and it has hit me kind of hard, which is weird as I'm the dumper... But I hated upsetting her, and blaming myself for most of it, when in reality, I had a laundry list of reasons why I left her, but I still feel guilty for not giving her a second chance when she asked, etc...

I'm still not over her by any stretch, and I am not even ready to start dating, but I'm moving on very slowly. But a couple of times I have signed up to Tinder and a few hours later, deleted it, as it just doesn't feel right, I'm just not ready (I don't want a relationship with someone just because I'm lonely).

So this evening, I did it again, signed up, and began swiping, then I saw my ex on there... And I can tell it's a new account as it has some pictures of her on it, that I took of her, when we were on holiday 4 months ago. I couldn't believe it, it hit me like punch to the gut, (I deleted the account since then, again).

Now I know I can hear the double standards card being shouted by you all already but I just can't believe she is out there dating again. Sure, maybe she has moved on, and hey, it's her life, but it doesn't make it any easier.

And this is the crux for me, I can't believe she got over me that quick at all (maybe she hasn't), especially after the speeches of how much I meant to her and I was all she ever wanted and she can change (when I said we were over), how much she cried and missed me (relayed to me via my friends, she never said that to me).

I don't know why this has made me feel strange, as I broke up with her for loads of valid reasons, but a part of me always clinged on to this hope of reconciling, when I know it will never work long term... And when I had a chance to after a month, my gut said no (along with some family). I saw her out a month ago, so I just waved to her in the street, just to acknowledge her (she waved back), and then a friend informed me on FB she put how seeing me ruined her day as I had left her feeling broken after I left her...

Her previous ex who she was on and off with for two years, passed away and after a couple of months, she was on POF... where I first met her (we were friends for years first). She doesn't half 'move on' quickly.

Maybe I needed to see this, in order to help me move on and heal, and accept it, for what it is. Sorry if this is all muddled, but my head is in a spin about it... Maybe someone on here has had a similar experience.

Last edited by MarvelFan1; 19th August 2017 at 2:49 PM..
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Old 19th August 2017, 2:30 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by MarvelFan1 View Post
Maybe someone on here has had a similar experience.
Yeah, I have.

Difference was that I saw an exgirlfriend on there from years back though, so I was well over it.

I right swiped for a laugh. But we never matched, so she must have been like hellll no

Don't worry about feeling a bit awkward about these sorts of things - 2 or 3 months is still quite raw. And try to see the funny side, whenever possible.
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Old 19th August 2017, 2:52 PM   #3
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Yes, they move on...you didn't ruin all guy's for her. the dumpees are sad for a bit then they are over you and ready to move on. The dumpers are the ones who usually come back to regret their decision later. But it's often too late
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Old 19th August 2017, 2:57 PM   #4
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I saw an ex on Tinder once and also had a strong reaction. It had been over a year and I hadn't forgiven her for cheating on me. I just closed the app. I saw her again a couple days later and just swiped her off and kind of forgot about it.

She might not have moved on. Lots of people date when they're hung up on someone else (like me) but maybe she has. But she seems to have accepted you won't come back if she's looking elsewhere.

If you can't bear that she's going to date other men, you can reach out but she may be over it all. If she says she can change, maybe you should discuss that. Sometimes being dumped illuminates shortcomings for people and they decide to change them, not for your sake but for themselves. I know it does for me.

But it sounds like you want to stay separate despite some jealousy. When you break up with someone, the fact that they'll date others is what you sign up for.
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Old 19th August 2017, 3:17 PM   #5
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I thought about reaching out, but I know that it's just not right. I didn't love her and told her as much when we split up. She didn't treat me right, how she would act and talk around me. I kind of always wanted her to message me to fix stuff, but I know you can't fix a relationship after something like the above. There would always be second guessing and doubts. The second chances thread on these boards made that clear from other people's experiences.

She's no good for me, but I've wanted to get back to her and have tried hard not to stray from the path of NC... but just seeing her out there again so soon... I just feel cheated that I'm still grieving for the relationship and she is just out there, but who knows what her frame of mind is.

But like you say, we've split up, she's looking for someone, it's what I signed up for when I broke up with her. And I think you're also right, that she has accepted I'm not coming back, so she is moving on.
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Old 19th August 2017, 3:20 PM   #6
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I guess you have to decide which side wins out: the side that thinks she's no good for you and that it's not right, or the side that wants to get back to her, have her fix problems, and is jealous she's back out there dating.

If it's number one, then just swipe left and then she's gone. Other women out there to meet.
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Old 19th August 2017, 8:50 PM   #7
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My ex was shocked when I moved on (he dumped me) and when I say moved on, I don't mean being on tinder or dating sites, he just felt I was doing better ( saw from mutual friends etc) and he didn't like it and reached out...but I then knew he didn't want me back either, he just panicked at the thought of me possibly meeting someone.

Your ex may be looking for someone or may just want an ego boost of matches (never done tinder so have no idea how it works)

Just remember all the reasons why you didn't want to be with her and ride these feelings out.

You're only human.

Her being on tinder is not a reflection on her lack of feelings for you, but you need to remember your lack of feelings for her.
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Old 19th August 2017, 9:20 PM   #8
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It seems pretty crappy that you are upset she's not hurting more (though you have no idea).

I would not entertain getting back together as your only motivation is jealousy.

Not to say you're a bad person, but it's best to listen to your logic in situations such as this.
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Old 19th August 2017, 11:03 PM   #9
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Thank you for your advice, RocketQueen and SevenCity
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Old 20th August 2017, 7:55 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by MarvelFan1 View Post
So after 14 months together, I broke up with my ex 3 1/2 months ago, 2 1/2 has been NC, and it has hit me kind of hard, which is weird as I'm the dumper... But I hated upsetting her, and blaming myself for most of it, when in reality, I had a laundry list of reasons why I left her, but I still feel guilty for not giving her a second chance when she asked, etc...

I'm still not over her by any stretch, and I am not even ready to start dating, but I'm moving on very slowly. But a couple of times I have signed up to Tinder and a few hours later, deleted it, as it just doesn't feel right, I'm just not ready (I don't want a relationship with someone just because I'm lonely).

So this evening, I did it again, signed up, and began swiping, then I saw my ex on there... And I can tell it's a new account as it has some pictures of her on it, that I took of her, when we were on holiday 4 months ago. I couldn't believe it, it hit me like punch to the gut, (I deleted the account since then, again).

Now I know I can hear the double standards card being shouted by you all already but I just can't believe she is out there dating again. Sure, maybe she has moved on, and hey, it's her life, but it doesn't make it any easier.

And this is the crux for me, I can't believe she got over me that quick at all (maybe she hasn't), especially after the speeches of how much I meant to her and I was all she ever wanted and she can change (when I said we were over), how much she cried and missed me (relayed to me via my friends, she never said that to me).

I don't know why this has made me feel strange, as I broke up with her for loads of valid reasons, but a part of me always clinged on to this hope of reconciling, when I know it will never work long term... And when I had a chance to after a month, my gut said no (along with some family). I saw her out a month ago, so I just waved to her in the street, just to acknowledge her (she waved back), and then a friend informed me on FB she put how seeing me ruined her day as I had left her feeling broken after I left her...

Her previous ex who she was on and off with for two years, passed away and after a couple of months, she was on POF... where I first met her (we were friends for years first). She doesn't half 'move on' quickly.

Maybe I needed to see this, in order to help me move on and heal, and accept it, for what it is. Sorry if this is all muddled, but my head is in a spin about it... Maybe someone on here has had a similar experience.

I wouldn't read into it too much. I did the same a few mths later after my ex dumped me but just as a distraction in no way was I over her . I'm still on dating apps but to be honest there not that good anyway 12 mths later i stl haven't gotten over the ex. I'd say not to read into it she's just trying to move on like all of us. Remember u left her she's not just gonna sit around but my thoughts on it are it's a distraction to fill a void
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Old 20th August 2017, 10:32 AM   #11
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yeah it's just your ego hurting because she got over you. I don't understand though. You dumped her but always felt like you wanted to reconcile? Does that make sense to you?
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Old 20th August 2017, 10:37 AM   #12
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I wouldn't read into it too much. I did the same a few mths later after my ex dumped me but just as a distraction in no way was I over her . I'm still on dating apps but to be honest there not that good anyway 12 mths later i stl haven't gotten over the ex. I'd say not to read into it she's just trying to move on like all of us. Remember u left her she's not just gonna sit around but my thoughts on it are it's a distraction to fill a void
Very true, Goodguy05, like you and others have said, we split up, she isn't just going to put her life on hold. Like you say it's probably just a distraction and I dare say I damaged her ego and feelings, and so she is looking for someone to compliment her and make her feel good, and everyone wants that.

I think it's the fact that the breakup is still fresh, and I just don't like to think that she is out looking for someone so soon. She isn't my GF and I get that, but in a way, it still feels like she's my girl, if that makes weird sense, as I'm not over her yet. No matter how bad for me she was, can't shake the feelings for her, it's not love, but I just want to be with her. I keep kidding myself I could find love with her again. You can't repair, "I don't love you anymore". If we reconciled and got back together, she would forever be questioning, "I love you", when it was said.
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Old 20th August 2017, 10:48 AM   #13
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yeah it's just your ego hurting because she got over you. I don't understand though. You dumped her but always felt like you wanted to reconcile? Does that make sense to you?
I think that I feel guilty because I never gave her a second chance. My gut said 'No' and that was that. The first couple of weeks I was happy, then reality set in and I missed her like crazy, even though I didn't love her. After a month I broke NC after some friends told me how much she missed me and was constantly crying and her world was ruined...

After a day of chatting I got a funny feeing of, 'What have I done', and my Mum told me I need to find a way to get out of meeting her... and the thing is, I think I maybe listened to my Mum a bit to much, even before the breakup, but trust me, I do what I want regardless of what people say and it's always been for the worse, so I listened to all my family and friends this time.

I then went NC again, and felt like crap for messaging her and dashing her hopes, but I left it on a "Wish you the best", line and she said, "You'll always have a special place in my heart, you don't need to reply to this message".

And since then I have seen her once in the street, a month ago, we waved at each other, and she put on FB, (told via a friend, I didn't ask her to snoop) how seeing me ruined her day and that I broke her.

So now I miss her company and feel guilty for upsetting and breaking her, and I keep wanting to talk and reconcile, but it's not because of love, it's because of guilt and loneliness, and I'm trying to stay on the side of logic and not giving in to sadness.

Last edited by MarvelFan1; 20th August 2017 at 10:50 AM..
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Old 20th August 2017, 11:12 AM   #14
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Wow. I'm sorry if i dragged all that up for you. I'm trying to understand the mentality of my ex! Although I'm sure it will probably help you get them feelings out. You probably did the right thing though. For yourself at least. There's no point stringing someone else along if your heart isn't in it. Unfortunately she got hurt and that will be a barrier to you being friends. The best thing you can do is stay no contact. She will bounce back and after a while she might be able to give you the friendship you want. She is not ready now though.
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Old 20th August 2017, 11:33 AM   #15
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Wow. I'm sorry if i dragged all that up for you. I'm trying to understand the mentality of my ex! Although I'm sure it will probably help you get them feelings out. You probably did the right thing though. For yourself at least. There's no point stringing someone else along if your heart isn't in it. Unfortunately she got hurt and that will be a barrier to you being friends. The best thing you can do is stay no contact. She will bounce back and after a while she might be able to give you the friendship you want. She is not ready now though.
Friendship or chatting would ease the guilt for sure, but even if, IF it gets that far, that's years away. I remember she kept her first long term ex of 8 years on FB, after they mutually split 4 odd years ago and she still keeps her deceased previously ex on there too (I don't think she ever got over him, so I kinda get that), and a couple of others she has dated. Even after we split she kept me on FB, but after a month I removed her, to save my sanity.
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