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Would you break up with someone going through a tough time?


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ExposedBrick

I've been dating a woman for about five months. We broke things off once already, but then mutually decided to give it more time about six weeks ago. However, at this point, things just seem a little too difficult for things to be so early in the relationship. I like her and think she's a good person but I just don't feel like were on the same page enough.

 

Unfortunately, her cat is very ill and will have to be put to sleep soon. While this may have been a bit of a distraction for her recently, we both had expressed doubts about the relationship in the past, hence the breakup. I feel like this is just another example of why we are not compatible, as she is become rather withdrawn about this and not openly expressed/shown any vulnerability. Anyway, I've decided that we need to break up because I'm not falling in love at this point and my needs aren't being met.

 

I know she is feeling bad about the cat. It's indeterminate when exactly the cat will have to be put down, but probably in the next few weeks. I want to break up with her, but don't want to salt the wound. About three weeks ago, she expressed doubts to me about the relationship, which I doubt are resolved.

 

Do you think these are legitimate reasons to break up? Would you delay breaking up with someone because they were going through a tough time?

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ExposedBrick

The main reason I want to break up with her as I just don't feel we are compatible socially. She's a total homebody, she never makes an effort to plan anything, and seems to be pained by hanging out with groups of people. She also never stays of my apartment, even when I have to work the next day and she has the day off. She also seems kind of cold, and distant at times. I feel like I need someone with a warmer personality and who enjoys socializing, does this sound like too much to ask?

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You are not compatible, you have different life styles. When we meet someone we can adjust and make some change but you cannot ask someone to change their life style, she is a homer, that's how she is happy, you will never be happy in this relationship = break up.

 

Break up now. I would hate for someone to stand next to me while I mourn my pet and his heart isn't 100% with me and my grieving. She'll be fine, I am sure she has family and friends for support.

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Do as the others have said. Don't ever feel bad about breaking up with someone going through something that you are not responsible for. It may sound harsh, but it is times like that when people become vulnerable and indecisive and often make the wrong decision as opposed to the right one. Allowing this relationship to linger out of pity hurts both of you.

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mortensorchid

The minute someone says "I can't see you tonight because my cat is sick" means "See ya". Fact.

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The main reason I want to break up with her as I just don't feel we are compatible socially. She's a total homebody, she never makes an effort to plan anything, and seems to be pained by hanging out with groups of people. She also never stays of my apartment, even when I have to work the next day and she has the day off. She also seems kind of cold, and distant at times. I feel like I need someone with a warmer personality and who enjoys socializing, does this sound like too much to ask?

 

Well this is serious and is reason to break up.

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I don't think this is reason enough to break up. She is just grieving which does pass.

 

He named a series of reasons why he wants to break up with her, it's not because of the cat, he is wondering if he should break up now that the cat has become sick and is a concern for her.

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The minute someone says "I can't see you tonight because my cat is sick" means "See ya". Fact.

 

I have cancelled an entire weekend because my dog was sick, has nothing to do with how I felt about him. Losing a pet is a traumatic experience that takes months to work through.

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i don't think the problem here is her sick cat and to be honest, to break up someone over that isn't very compassionate.

 

the real issue is that you two are incompatible. you two live very different lives where neither of you are willing to compromise or be accepting of each other's MO. my boyfriend is a homebody, shy and isn't much for going out, while i love to be social and be out and about. sometimes, he'll go out with me and my friends because he knows it makes me happy and we'll have nights in because i know it makes him happy. however, it doesn't seem like either of you are willing to budge for each other.

 

also, if you guys are already having doubts and keep mentioning them, it's time to end things and move on. what's the point of setting the tone of the beginning of a relationship with doubt and cold feelings?

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ExposedBrick
The main reason I want to break up with her as I just don't feel we are compatible socially. She's a total homebody, she never makes an effort to plan anything, and seems to be pained by hanging out with groups of people. She also never stays of my apartment, even when I have to work the next day and she has the day off. She also seems kind of cold, and distant at times. I feel like I need someone with a warmer personality and who enjoys socializing, does this sound like too much to ask?

 

Also, when I tried to make plans with her, I would make many suggestions and she never gave me any feedback very frustrating! I really enjoy going out, you could say it's my jam. Unfortunately, it seems far from what she considers her jam.

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Scarlett.O'hara

I think it would be more harsh to wait until she actually puts her cat down.

 

If you continue to delay it, you risk compounding her loss, which would be much harder to deal with.

 

Try and do this as kindly and respectfully as possible. Reinforce the doubts you have both shared, that it is the right thing to do.

 

If this is what you really want, do it as soon as possible.

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ExposedBrick
i don't think the problem here is her sick cat and to be honest, to break up someone over that isn't very compassionate.

 

the real issue is that you two are incompatible. you two live very different lives where neither of you are willing to compromise or be accepting of each other's MO. my boyfriend is a homebody, shy and isn't much for going out, while i love to be social and be out and about. sometimes, he'll go out with me and my friends because he knows it makes me happy and we'll have nights in because i know it makes him happy. however, it doesn't seem like either of you are willing to budge for each other.

 

also, if you guys are already having doubts and keep mentioning them, It's time to end things and move on. what's the point of setting the tone of the beginning of a relationship with doubt and cold feelings?

 

Honestly, I have been willing to compromise but she gives me absolutely nothing to work with. She never just clearly tells me that she wants to stay home. I'll make a plan to do some something, that she shows up, barely talks to me, and acts grumpy.

 

I work a service schedule due to the nature of my job and frequently have to work on Saturdays. I always stay at her apt. on Thursday nights since Fridays are one of my days off, and she never stays in my apt. on Friday nights. I discussed this with her but it's just not acceptable. We're both busy and have jobs but I felt like I was only one making an effort in this regard.

 

There've been a number of other things along the way that have really irritated me. For instance, I went down on her twice with no reciprocation. She then tells me later on that she expects me to get an STD screening for her to do the same. In general, I just feel like she hasn't been very affectionate or concerned with my sexual needs.

 

Honestly, I started to catch feels for her on several occasions but it just never felt consistent. I don't understand love. I often try to make a rationalization for it but I don't know that it can be. Sometimes the feeling is a feeling and it can't be explained or rationalized. I have a hard time trusting my gut even though it always seems to be right. I always seem to find a way to try and rationalize things.

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ExposedBrick
I think it would be more harsh to wait until she actually puts her cat down.

 

If you continue to delay it, you risk compounding her loss, which would be much harder to deal with.

 

Try and do this as kindly and respectfully as possible. Reinforce the doubts you have both shared, that it is the right thing to do.

 

If this is what you really want, do it as soon as possible.

 

I just feel like we have both expressed doubts on multiple occasions very early in a relationship. I don't want to feel doubts especially this early. Does that seem like a reasonable concern?

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I just feel like we have both expressed doubts on multiple occasions very early in a relationship. I don't want to feel doubts especially this early. Does that seem like a reasonable concern?

 

Yes if does.

 

I think you know you need to break up.

 

Don't wait, it does nothing. It makes it worse.

 

Actually do it asap, so she can focus on her sick pet.

By the sounds of it, I doubt she will be too upset by the breakup.

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Honestly, I have been willing to compromise but she gives me absolutely nothing to work with. She never just clearly tells me that she wants to stay home. I'll make a plan to do some something, that she shows up, barely talks to me, and acts grumpy.

 

I work a service schedule due to the nature of my job and frequently have to work on Saturdays. I always stay at her apt. on Thursday nights since Fridays are one of my days off, and she never stays in my apt. on Friday nights. I discussed this with her but it's just not acceptable. We're both busy and have jobs but I felt like I was only one making an effort in this regard.

 

There've been a number of other things along the way that have really irritated me. For instance, I went down on her twice with no reciprocation. She then tells me later on that she expects me to get an STD screening for her to do the same. In general, I just feel like she hasn't been very affectionate or concerned with my sexual needs.

 

Honestly, I started to catch feels for her on several occasions but it just never felt consistent. I don't understand love. I often try to make a rationalization for it but I don't know that it can be. Sometimes the feeling is a feeling and it can't be explained or rationalized. I have a hard time trusting my gut even though it always seems to be right. I always seem to find a way to try and rationalize things.

 

This either is someone who isn't all that into you (sorry to say) or someone who is more of a taker than a giver.

 

She is not even invested in this relationship. Who would want to say?

 

If you wait to break up after the cat is put down, how long after? A week? You won't because she will be too upset. A couple weeks? No, too soon still. A month? Two months? How long will it take for her to over her cat? It could be months.

 

No. It's better to end it before.

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I don't know that I would dump somebody solely because they are going through a hard time.

 

However, you are not talking about ending this because of some hard time. You two already broke up got back together once during what should be your honeymoon period. You are not fundamentally compatible.

 

Other than you don't want to hurt her as she's about to lose her beloved cat, there is no reason to stay. There is never a good time to end a relationship but you can't stay out of pity. At most & only if you want to, tell her that if she needs a shoulder or a ride to the vet when the time comes, you would be willing to accommodate her. Being kind is never a bad thing. You can still show compassion to someone after a break up

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Yeah agree , she's just as troubled by things as you are and just not feeling the right stuff l'd say,

 

You want out , just go for it , and yeah she might even be relieved.

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It's not like it's going to be a surprise, the feeling is mutual so the breakup won't be an issue. As for her kitty, let her know you will lend her some moral support as a friend if she wishes to reach out.

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ExposedBrick
It's not like it's going to be a surprise, the feeling is mutual so the breakup won't be an issue. As for her kitty, let her know you will lend her some moral support as a friend if she wishes to reach out.

 

I think you are right! She seemed like she was ready to throw in the towel a couple weeks ago, no need to prolong this. She doesn't seem to be willing to make the break so I will.

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