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Heartbroken Dumper...


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I just ended things with my bf of almost 10 mths.

 

After breaking up with him at 6 mths bc he was smothering me, he jumped on Match.com and began talking to other women to "distract himself from the pain of being broken up with". We reconciled and he stopped smothering me but was now indifferent to me and has continued to sneak onto Match time and again to make sure he "isn't alone" if I break up with him again. THis is a 41 year old man people! I feel like I'm talking about a 10 yr old.

 

I finally broke it off again due to the constant lies and match bs. Not bc I didn't still have love for him. He tried to get me to change my mind for about 4 days. I finally had to just go no contact on him to stop his pleas to get me to reconsider. After I went no contact, he continued to text me 3-4 times a day as if nothing had happened. "Goodmorning Beautiful, Goodnight Beautiful, I miss you, Just finished mowing the lawn, Hope you're having a good day, I love you. Would you like to go out Friday night? I miss you and want to see you." I didn't responded to one. This continued for about 5 days. He finally stopped doing this 2 days ago. We are both back on Match.com and he looks at my profile daily. Sometimes messages me as well on there to tell me I'm beautiful and that he misses me. I'm having a really hard time right now staying the course. Probably bc he stopped reaching out to me. Even though I broke up with him, I feel sad and heartbroken. I am determined to remain with no contact as he doesn't deserve to have me. He's terrified of being alone and I know he's talking to and probably going on dates with other women. My feeling is that you don't do that if you truly love someone. I know I broke his heart the first time I broke up with him but that doesn't excuse his subsequent actions thereafter. I gave him too many chances to stop and be transparent with me about his actions and he wouldn't. I feel I've done the right thing in ending things but his reluctance to let me go continue to play on my feelings. We had lived with each other and looked at rings at one point in our relationship. He wanted to buy the ring and I had to tell him not to. It was all too fast. But our feelings ran very deep for each other. This was why I didn't understand his inability to stop looking at women after we reconciled. I think I just didn't see him for who he was earlier in the relationship. Any thoughts??? ~ Brokenhearted:(:(

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Is this the guy from your April thread whom you punched in the face when he referred to your child as a "half breed"?

 

If yes, you should block him from Match and start moving on with your life.

 

You broke up with him for a reason. Your ego can't stand the fact that he is focusing on other woman but that is irrelevant because you have decided that he isn't a good partner to you. This relationship was toxic and continued till this ending. Focus on the latter.

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No Zahara... this isn't the same guy. I found a whole new ******* to deal with. But thank you for bringing that up....

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No Zahara... this isn't the same guy. I found a whole new ******* to deal with. But thank you for bringing that up....

 

Well you were in a relationship with that man in April and you were dating this man for 10 months, hence the thought that it was the same guy.

 

History helps to reinforce why a relationship isn't working -- that is why it was brought up but that is now moot since it was not the same man.

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That was April 2016. As I can recall, you were very helpful with that situation.

 

You're right. I apologize for my mistake. Good for you for leaving that guy.

 

The advice still stands in that you need to block this one on Match. You broke up for a reason. It was an unhealthy relationship. Yes, it hurts because you are holding on to the familiarity of him and the emotional attachment to him and that is normal. Whether he is checking women out now or 6 months from now, it's his prerogative. You ended it with him because you know you deserve better. His actions do not define your value.

 

To help you move on, remove him from your dating profile. Accept that it is not the relationship for you.

 

Find consolation in the fact that you had the courage and gumption to do the right thing, eventhough it hurts. Most would stick around hoping for change, or even worse, choose to settle.

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THank you Zahara...

 

I AM proud of myself for not settling and or being afraid to walk away. I'm just now dealing with the aftermath of it.

 

The first 5 days were easy bc he was still reaching out and there was some comfort in that. Now that he has stopped, everything is starting to hurt. I know I could pick up my phone and text or call him and be right back together but it's not what I want.

 

I keep telling myself this but I don't understand why it's hurting so much!!! I agree with your familiarity and emotional attachment statement. Ugh.. I just want to walk away and not look back and yet now that he's stopped reaching out, it's almost like a reverse breakup. I wish I didn't care. :(

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THank you Zahara...

 

I AM proud of myself for not settling and or being afraid to walk away. I'm just now dealing with the aftermath of it.

 

The first 5 days were easy bc he was still reaching out and there was some comfort in that. Now that he has stopped, everything is starting to hurt. I know I could pick up my phone and text or call him and be right back together but it's not what I want.

 

I keep telling myself this but I don't understand why it's hurting so much!!! I agree with your familiarity and emotional attachment statement. Ugh.. I just want to walk away and not look back and yet now that he's stopped reaching out, it's almost like a reverse breakup. I wish I didn't care. :(

 

I feel that you've done the right thing. You're feeling bad now because you feel that you are no longer 'in control' over the whole situation. It's always better to feel like you're the one pulling the strings. It's empowering. Now that he's stopped, you only have the aftermath of a failed relationship to deal with. Not fun.

 

Don't worry about him being alone or afraid of being alone. It is clear that he could change that if he wanted to and was moving in that direction with or w/o you. I hope you don't feel guilt.

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The first 5 days were easy bc he was still reaching out and there was some comfort in that. Now that he has stopped, everything is starting to hurt. I know I could pick up my phone and text or call him and be right back together but it's not what I want.

 

It's because his contact was feeding your ego and it was masking the painful reality of the break-up. Now that he has stopped, the fear and finality is setting in and you are forced to come to terms that it has ended. He has left a void.

 

This is normal. You have to fight through it. There's always going to be that urge to contact because we believe contact will cure the hurt but you can't seek comfort from what hurts you. The good thing is that you know it is not what you want so that in itself is half the battle won. You're not romanticizing him and running back as most do on LS.

 

I keep telling myself this but I don't understand why it's hurting so much!!! I agree with your familiarity and emotional attachment statement. Ugh.. I just want to walk away and not look back and yet now that he's stopped reaching out, it's almost like a reverse breakup. I wish I didn't care. :(

 

It's going to take awhile for you to start feeling relief. It's good that he has stopped reaching out. Although I think at some point he'll return. This is where you need to block him now so that he does not interrupt your healing process.

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Absolutely ZERO guilt. Not worried about him being alone. That's just what HE has told me. That he's terrified of being alone. Frankly it makes him very unattractive to me which is a WHOLE other reason that it makes no sense to me why I feel heartbroken over this. You're right about me feeling empowered by his continued texts and msgs. I hate that tho! I want to feel empowered just by the fact I took it in my hands to walk away and not listen to anymore of his bs. I feel like I should be feeling like one badass b#tch right now! Instead I feel slightly depressed and sick to my stomach. Ugh. Feelings! Who needs them?!?

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Zahara,

 

Even I think I have not heard the last from him. He knows my kids are gone this weekend so it's possible he'll try to come over and have a face to face with me. He seems to be a professional at using tears, words and touching me (my hand or face) that has always seemed to get me to break down my defenses and let him back in. I'm going to try to not be home and or not answer my door if he comes over. THank you for your help. It really helps to hear someone else verbalize what you know to be true but can't quite muster those thoughts all by yourself. I know I should completely block him off my phone and match but it's hard when I get so much relief from getting a msg from him. I have zero doubt that I will reach out to him bc of his texts so I leave him unblocked just so I can see... stupid I know.

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It just doesn't sound like you're a match. He's trying not to smother you, but it's his nature, so he won't be happy doing it your way for long. Just let him go.

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Zahara,

 

Even I think I have not heard the last from him. He knows my kids are gone this weekend so it's possible he'll try to come over and have a face to face with me. He seems to be a professional at using tears, words and touching me (my hand or face) that has always seemed to get me to break down my defenses and let him back in. I'm going to try to not be home and or not answer my door if he comes over. THank you for your help. It really helps to hear someone else verbalize what you know to be true but can't quite muster those thoughts all by yourself. I know I should completely block him off my phone and match but it's hard when I get so much relief from getting a msg from him. I have zero doubt that I will reach out to him bc of his texts so I leave him unblocked just so I can see... stupid I know.

 

The emotions you feel from an ending is akin to going through drug withdrawals. You feel comfort from a fix (contact) when your drug makes an appearance. But when he leaves, you start feeling that hole again. Lather, rinse, repeat. The best thing you can do for yourself is to go cold turkey NC. The pain will be temporary. What you are opting to do will be a slow, drawn out death.

 

You're not stupid. It's because you are emotional.

 

You made the decision to end it with him. YOUR objective was to move on because he's not the partner you had hoped for. You can't do that if you stay accessible to him.

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God, Zahara, you're last msg hit me like a bolt of lightening. YOu are SO right. I blocked him on Match and my phone and I actually feel better. LIke I just took some of my power back. I'm not going to sit around and wait to see if he reaches out. You're totally right that I'm just prolonging the pain of it all. THank you so much!!!

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God, Zahara, you're last msg hit me like a bolt of lightening. YOu are SO right. I blocked him on Match and my phone and I actually feel better. LIke I just took some of my power back. I'm not going to sit around and wait to see if he reaches out. You're totally right that I'm just prolonging the pain of it all. THank you so much!!!

 

You've taken steps to empower yourself so good for you!! You may not believe this but having been on LS for a long while, most times, people stay in bad relationships by choice. What you are doing is courageous and strong so know that you have it in you to barrel through this.

 

It's going to be a painful at times and you're going to doubt yourself. It's going to come in waves. One day you'll feel optimistic about your decision and moving forward and the next you may likely be a puddle on the floor. Let those days come and go. You will grieve this loss and you will move through that process. It will be normal to go up and down.

 

Just don't give in to those bad days but manage them by leaning on your friends and family and even LS. Find comfort in those that care and love you, not the ones that cause you pain. There's going to come a day when you will begin to feel hopeful again. The pain will lessen and the mental clarity will set in -- you will start to embrace it as a step in the right direction.

 

Give yourself that chance. I promise there is going to come a time when you look back on this and realize that it was the best thing you did for yourself. For now, stay strong, focus on why you did this, know that the pain you feel now is only temporary and that it won't always stay this way. It's going to get better. Chin up.

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You dumped him for smothering you, then you get back with him. Now you're giving out because he is indifferent to you? Not being funny but it sounds like you don't know what you want.

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