LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

Should I reach out for closure?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree8Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 16th August 2017, 8:18 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 342
Should I reach out for closure?

Sorry this was longer than I thought it would be...thanks in advance for the feedback!
-----------------------
I dated a girl for about 4 months, and up until about a week prior to our break up things seemed to be great. She told me she loved me, she was always texting me saying she missed me (I travel a lot for work), and we even went on a trip with my family and it was great...we talked a lot about our future together and she seemed like she wanted to look for a house together (yes I know it's quick but we are both 30).

Our last night together before we broke up I could tell she was acting really distant (out of the blue) so I asked her what was wrong and she said "she was really confused" and started crying but didn't want to talk since I was leaving for my trip the next day. The next day I go on a trip for work (4 day trip) and she texted me that she was confused about us and wanted to go a few days without talking to "miss me," but also went on to say she "loved me and to not give up"..

Half way through the trip, I ended up getting drunk and texted her "this isn't fair and that I should find someone that wanted to be with me"...she basically responded that she wasn't sure if our personalities meshed together but she loved me but wasn't in love with me but also told me it's been on her mind a lot and that she was crying herself to sleep for weeks because she doesn't want to lose me and that maybe it's just the stress from work getting to her. I texted her back "good luck" and haven't heard from her since...it's been almost a month.

Everyday I think about her and am so confused what went wrong. Part of me thinks her family doesn't like me (long story short her dad and my uncle had a huge falling out years ago over a job to become CEOs and they literally hate each other)..my relatives warned me about it ahead of time when we started dating-so I feel like that could have been the issue and maybe her dad was telling her he didn't approve. Anyways, would I take her back at this point? I don't think so since she hurt me so much, but I still feel like we should talk in person for closure. Basically I don't know why I want to reach out to her, maybe it's because I miss her, know she's a good person, and hope she isn't truly hurting. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and should turn my back and move on...the worst part it was so out of the blue and it was unintentionally out of text messages thoughts?
Mjm1014 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th August 2017, 8:40 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 792
I wouldn't reach out dude.

She's made it pretty clear how she feels. It's not like u were a bad guy here. You havent done anything for her to consider breaking up.
The fact she hasn't contacted u in a mth after she initiated it speaks volumes.
A girl that's into u won't act like this unless youve been really bad in the relationship and she's lost all feelings over time. She wouldn't be confused about how she felt about u if she was into the relationship. I think for ur own sanity and self respect let this one go. Love can suck that's for sure it's hard finding someone who feels like we do at any given moment

Last edited by Goodguy05; 16th August 2017 at 8:42 PM..
Goodguy05 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th August 2017, 9:01 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 342
Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodguy05 View Post
I wouldn't reach out dude.

She's made it pretty clear how she feels. It's not like u were a bad guy here. You havent done anything for her to consider breaking up.
The fact she hasn't contacted u in a mth after she initiated it speaks volumes.
A girl that's into u won't act like this unless youve been really bad in the relationship and she's lost all feelings over time. She wouldn't be confused about how she felt about u if she was into the relationship. I think for ur own sanity and self respect let this one go. Love can suck that's for sure it's hard finding someone who feels like we do at any given moment

Thanks for the response man...deep down I know I need to let it go..I'll take that advice.
Mjm1014 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th August 2017, 10:26 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 149
Yeah reaching out seems wrong here. It's way too soon. Sure it might rekindle again but it has to die between you first. Give it a year or so no contact and if something happens after that then fair enough.

You don't know what was going on with her at that time. She could have been distraught that she had to choose between you and another guy. She might be with him right now and that would set you back. No contact for at least a couple of months I'd say.
breadbin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th August 2017, 10:32 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 792
It does suck when it ends like that I had that happen to me many many yrs ago I must say for yrs it ate me up and I never had peace wth the way it ended till yrs later i sent her a post card for Xmas saying how i truly felt and somehow that alleviated and gave closure to me. Oddly she rang and left a message for me back in the days wen house phones were still a thing. I came home excited to hear she called that in itself helped close that chapter I never called back I think that's all I needed to move on and a few weeks later I met my wife well now ex wife lol we lasted ten yrs.

Some context around our break up not the ex wife the one I was talking about wth Xmas card. We were together 6 mths and she was so into me we fought a lot tho about different life goals then one day I had a fight wth her business partner who said she really was his gf. I was rattled I confronted her about it she found it funny but I was really hurt. I hung up on her she called back and said we were finished. Sometimes u just know when they mean it. I tried like you to move on really quick and went over to new Zealand for a holiday for 2 reasons to make her jealous and to help forget the pain. Valentine's was coming up and I guess I was testing to see if she still loved me. Anyway this was many yrs ago and I was still living at home wth my folks. I checked on Valentine's day wether she had called mum said she had and that she sounded hurt and shocked and was trying to hide it. I immediately called her and heard she sounded indifferent on the pin and was calling me by my 1st name such really hurt so as a defence I lied to her and told her what a great time I was having and wished her well. And it was that that stuck wth me for yrs wen I say yrs 2 to 3. That s when I decided to send the Xmas card yrs later i was obviously not hurting at that point but that feeling never went away.
I guess you could confront her if it gives you some peace but my guess is it might not go the way u like and wen were raw we end up saying things we may regret later down the track.
The fact she said those words "not in love" but loves u is a concern. If it doesn't eat away at u I'd still walk away
Goodguy05 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th August 2017, 2:51 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13,121
I am sorry, OP.

This is why people who try to rush things should be viewed with a healthy dose of skepticism. I am a few years older than you, and still think that 4 months was far too soon to be talking about buying a house. That type of rushing often indicates the person is impulsive, looking to fill a void or some such thing. It's usually not out of genuine love because, well, you were still in the "getting-to-know-you" phase. I understand it's exciting to daydream about the future, but it shouldn't be taken too seriously that early on. You're seeing the unfortunate reasons why.

I wouldn't reach out, simply because I don't think you're likely to get any more information from her. If she's been zero contact for a month, then she really doesn't want to speak right now. My guess, and you probably don't want to hear this, is that there is another guy somewhere on the scene. An ex maybe, or someone she met that caught her interest. These out-of-the-blue, 180-change breakups are often indicative of a 3rd party. Might not be the case, but I would not be surprised if that's what really happened.
ExpatInItaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th August 2017, 6:51 AM   #7
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,999
Closure comes from within. The other person doesn't have the words or the inclination to give you peace.

I will try to give you some closure though. "I'm confused" is generally code for there is somebody else, especially in a relatively new 4 month old relationship.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th August 2017, 8:36 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 144
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Closure comes from within. The other person doesn't have the words or the inclination to give you peace.

I will try to give you some closure though. "I'm confused" is generally code for there is somebody else, especially in a relatively new 4 month old relationship.
Both points here are spot on in my experience.

You make your own closure. Accept what has happened, learn from the experience and tell yourself it just wasn't meant to be and that there is someone else out there who will be a better match.
kortz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th August 2017, 8:54 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 93
Seems like you both 'future faked' yourselves. Got caught in the moment and thrill of the honeymoon period. Ya 4 months is too short to actually get to know someone of course, but not impossible. If she was the right one for you and you her, you'd still be together. Yours is the abridged version of my last relationship. She might come back but if she has concerns about being a good fit now she will in the future. NC for now.
Spartakooty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th August 2017, 10:02 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 9,345
Okay dude.....I'm going to pull the band-aid off quickly. There's another guy.

She gave you the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. That is straight out of the cheaters handbook.

When a girl gives you the "I'm confused" speech. It means she is confused about her feelings for you and the other guy.

taking "a few days off without contacting each other" to see if "she'll miss you" Means, she wants to try out this other guy without any interference from you. Sucks to be on a date an get a phonecall from your BOYFRIEND!!!!


Dude, she's a cheater.....ditch her. She's not worth it. Time to start healing and moving on. Do a STRICT NC on her. Because, give it time. The guilt is going to get to her and she's going to reach out to have you ease it. You owe her nothing.
Chi townD is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Do dumpers ever reach out for closure? Greenj30 Breaks and Breaking Up 41 29th December 2013 10:35 AM
on break ups, letting go, getting closure versus taking closure ... candie13 Breaks and Breaking Up 2 7th September 2013 2:09 PM
To reach out or NOT to reach out? That is the question. MissLili Dating 2 2nd February 2013 3:45 PM
My FWB doesn't reach out to me but responds quickly when I reach out to him six18 General Relationship Discussion 3 18th October 2012 1:01 AM
They are out of reach . . . sao2 Long-Distance Relationships 1 12th September 2006 7:30 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:01 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.