He says he loves me but isn't "in love" with me anymore

[crystalem]

A bit of background: I’ve been with my ex for 1 and a half years. He’s 27 and I’m 29. I’ve been in several relationships and I’m his first. I saw this as a huge red flag but because he was initially so thoughtful and affectionate and we got along great, I dismissed it and fell in love. Having come out of a rocky relationship before him with an emotionally unavailable man, I was slow in our courtship (took us 5 months to be official), as was he because he had moved to the city I’m at (Jackson, MS) a year ago and had thoughts of moving to New Orleans, LA. This caused a bit of pressure in our relationship early on and anxiety on my part. I was comforted when he initially asked if I saw myself settling in Jackson, to which I said no, I would ideally want to move. This was early on though and as our relationship progressed there wasn’t much communication on what would happen if he moved (another source of anxiety). We would fight, about small things typically that would escalate because he would stonewall me a lot. I soon realized our conflict resolution was a mess, he had a huge ego and wasn’t very good at saying sorry or comforting me after fights and thus things would escalate and I would feel even more hurt. To add to that, another thing we would fight about often was our sex life. I’m a highly sexual being and I’m only the second girl he’s been with sexually. He lost his virginity at 25 with a random girl just to lose it. I’m sexually experienced with a high libido. I’ve tried to be patient with him and tried to make him comfortable in all kinds of ways, but he hasn’t extended the same courtesy to me and I’ve often felt rejected and undesired. He thinks sex is not important in a relationship and I do. It’s not because he’s not physically attracted to me either, he’s just really inside his head about it all and doesn’t seem comfortable with sexual things or with his body. I often wonder if it’s a trauma or low testosterone but he isn’t open to exploring those options and gets defensive no matter how I word it. I can’t force him to be open unless he wants to be. This has caused a lot of tension in the past but lately it seems we were on a decent path with a better sex life.

 

Fast forward to now, he’s decided to stay here for another 3 years to pursue his masters so the pressure of him relocating is gone. We’ve broken up here and there but always get back together fairly quickly and I’ve been very direct in letting my needs known on what I need in a relationship, which is affection and words of affirmation. He’s not affectionate as he was in the beginning and he’s never been very good with words or expressive and sometimes I feel he lacks emotional depth. This makes me feel emotionally disconnected from him but he’s said he would work on it yet it never sticks. Overall, I feel like our relationship is stagnant emotionally. Recently, I thought our relationship was at least improving in the conflict resolution department, we were fighting a lot less and when we did our fights would resolve fairly quickly. I was seeing improvement in that, but other areas were lacking and overall I just felt like he was being lazy with his love by not putting much effort in other than spending time with me (even though when we do spend time together we laugh a lot and are best friends but I still don’t feel like he’s vulnerable with me). I’ve told him that that isn’t enough to sustain a relationship and he either simply didn’t get it or chose not to.

 

Last weekend we had our first fight where it didn’t resolve quickly like it had been lately and to top it all of it was the night before a long awaited beach trip. It soured the trip and was a complete mess. In our continued fight, he told me that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me and that he stayed with me because he wanted to and to see if he could re-ignite those feelings. This really hurt of course and I told him that on one hand it was unfair to me that he didn’t let me know and that if he wasn’t putting any effort into the relationship it’s even less likely those feelings would return. I’m very confused right now and don’t even know if I could get over someone telling me that because as much as I would try it would be in the back of my mind.

 

Even after the fight, we semi-reconciled, re-conciled as in eased some of the tension and continued hanging out through the night and having a somewhat pleasant evening but I went on to later say that I needed some space after all of what was said during the argument. He said that he deeply regretted the things he said and that he just wanted to make me happy(which he doesn’t say very often) but I was still very hurt. He agreed the space was a good idea which kind of bothered me because I wanted him to fight for our relationship but I digress because ultimately I knew space was necessary. I ended up staying the night and the next morning he gave me the usual hug and said I love you before he went to work, he then texted me asking me how I was feeling to which I didn’t respond. I did leave him a letter explaining to him how I was feeling though. I didn’t think he would respond so soon and he ended up texting me when he got home from work and basically said that he didn’t know that I’d been so hurt by him by the things he hadn’t been doing until this weekend that we fought (even though I’ve been very direct on my needs). He then proceeded to tell me that he deserved a little more credit than what I gave him in the letter but that that wasn’t the point and said that there a lot of other guys that could hurt me much more than he has and that hopefully I wouldn’t end up with one of those types. He ended his text by saying that maybe we would bump into each other like they did in the last movie we watched together (the breakup, comical, I know). I was strictly just going to go No Contact for a while but the comment about there being other guys that could hurt me worse irritated me so badly. I told him that it wasn’t necessary to say that and that those men had no room in our conversation because they were irrelevant, it only matters how he treats me and how you don’t get brownie points for not being the worst of the worst but you get brownie points for actually treating someone well. Other stuff was said, but it ultimately ended on him saying he wanted to let me know he wasn’t ignoring me and that he just didn’t know what to say right then and wanted to make that clear. I left it at that and stopped communication.

 

Overall, I don’t think it helps that he is a commitment phobe, is inexperienced, not the best communicator, and that the rocky middle caused him to doubt us so much that it made his feelings change. I’ve asked him what he thought being in love was and he said it was giving up everything for that person to which I replied that that wasn’t a very healthy way to view it. In my mind, you don’t give up everything for someone, you wouldn’t expect someone you love to do that, even if you do sacrifice certain things, but never who you are. I’ve also asked him what he looks for in an ideal partner to which he replied a lot of characteristics that I fulfill and has told me so, yet it seems he thinks love is an unhealthy notion and a constant “in love” feeling and commitment is scary. I told him “the one” is the person you have various different types of chemistry with but also who you put effort into, and love can’t sustain itself on air.

 

Our last contact was Monday after he texted me in response to the letter, that is until he texted me Wednesday saying that he missed me. I haven’t responded but of course I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want him to tell me he wants to work on our relationship and be a bit more expressive than that. I only ended things to prove that I’m not going to put up with lack of affection(I typically have to ask for it other than the hug when I first see him) and expression if he wants to be with me, because lately I feel like he’s taking me for granted and just being lazy with his love. I just want him to step up and be consistent because other than that we are best friends and are always laughing when we are together. If he truly wanted to work on things, I’d be up for it as well but I don’t know if it’s my job to say anything since technically I would be considered the “dumper” /the one that needed space. I just don’t want to chase him, and want him to realize what he had and any time we’ve broken up it’s only for 2 to 3 days, and I feel that’s not enough time for someone to really get the effect of you being gone and getting their feelings and thoughts in order.

Should I have responded to his I miss you text to get the ball rolling or am I doing well in having ignored it? I wanted to maybe say “I’m not trying to ignore you btw” and see what he says to that, but he might just ignore it too. Should I just leave it alone for now?

 

Highly confused, any thoughts/suggestions appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the overall impression I get from your post is that you want this guy to be someone he's just not.

 

You have a particular vision about love, a partnership, affection and so on, but you're trying to make him fit your definition. It's okay to have certain desires and expectations, but he is who he is, too. He's not going to be able to tick all the boxes all the time, so to speak. Nobody ever does. You seem to have positioned yourself as the "teacher" in this relationship and view his opinions and behavior as flawed, something that needs to corrected. You rattle off quite a lengthy list of all the things you don't like about him and that he needs to change. But what about you? Where could you have improved? The language you use is interesting, such as "making him realize what he had" and wanting him to "fight for the relationship." But, who's to say everything you know and do about love is correct? Comes across as a little arrogant of you, if I'm being honest.

 

Look, at the end of the day, it appears you two were just not all that compatible. Fighting frequently and breaking up "here and there" is a sign you're not in a very solid relationship and that something isn't working. And that takes two, not just him. I see problems with communication on both sides, and game-playing from both of you. He texted you, so if truly want No Contact and space for yourself, that's fine. But if you're ignoring him as a means of manipulating him into fighting harder, you're going about this all wrong and engaging in some rather immature behaviour yourself. It's punitive and resolves nothing, really.

 

I'm not sure what you're confused about, to be honest. You were clearly not very happy with him, and it seems you were vocal about that. Why would he want to remain with someone who is that dissatisfied with him? It's not a healthy situation for either of you. You don't feel he's a good partner as it stands, so why waste your time trying to change someone? Find a guy who is a better match for you.

[Goodguy05]

OP, the overall impression I get from your post is that you want this guy to be someone he's just not.

 

You have a particular vision about love, a partnership, affection and so on, but you're trying to make him fit your definition. It's okay to have certain desires and expectations, but he is who he is, too. He's not going to be able to tick all the boxes all the time, so to speak. Nobody ever does. You seem to have positioned yourself as the "teacher" in this relationship and view his opinions and behavior as flawed, something that needs to corrected. You rattle off quite a lengthy list of all the things you don't like about him and that he needs to change. But what about you? Where could you have improved? The language you use is interesting, such as "making him realize what he had" and wanting him to "fight for the relationship." But, who's to say everything you know and do about love is correct? Comes across as a little arrogant of you, if I'm being honest.

 

Look, at the end of the day, it appears you two were just not all that compatible. Fighting frequently and breaking up "here and there" is a sign you're not in a very solid relationship and that something isn't working. And that takes two, not just him. I see problems with communication on both sides, and game-playing from both of you. He texted you, so if truly want No Contact and space for yourself, that's fine. But if you're ignoring him as a means of manipulating him into fighting harder, you're going about this all wrong and engaging in some rather immature behaviour yourself. It's punitive and resolves nothing, really.

 

I'm not sure what you're confused about, to be honest. You were clearly not very happy with him, and it seems you were vocal about that. Why would he want to remain with someone who is that dissatisfied with him? It's not a healthy situation for either of you. You don't feel he's a good partner as it stands, so why waste your time trying to change someone? Find a guy who is a better match for you.

 

I second the above.

[crystalem]

OP, the overall impression I get from your post is that you want this guy to be someone he's just not.

 

You have a particular vision about love, a partnership, affection and so on, but you're trying to make him fit your definition. It's okay to have certain desires and expectations, but he is who he is, too. He's not going to be able to tick all the boxes all the time, so to speak. Nobody ever does. You seem to have positioned yourself as the "teacher" in this relationship and view his opinions and behavior as flawed, something that needs to corrected. You rattle off quite a lengthy list of all the things you don't like about him and that he needs to change. But what about you? Where could you have improved? The language you use is interesting, such as "making him realize what he had" and wanting him to "fight for the relationship." But, who's to say everything you know and do about love is correct? Comes across as a little arrogant of you, if I'm being honest.

 

Look, at the end of the day, it appears you two were just not all that compatible. Fighting frequently and breaking up "here and there" is a sign you're not in a very solid relationship and that something isn't working. And that takes two, not just him. I see problems with communication on both sides, and game-playing from both of you. He texted you, so if truly want No Contact and space for yourself, that's fine. But if you're ignoring him as a means of manipulating him into fighting harder, you're going about this all wrong and engaging in some rather immature behaviour yourself. It's punitive and resolves nothing, really.

 

I'm not sure what you're confused about, to be honest. You were clearly not very happy with him, and it seems you were vocal about that. Why would he want to remain with someone who is that dissatisfied with him? It's not a healthy situation for either of you. You don't feel he's a good partner as it stands, so why waste your time trying to change someone? Find a guy who is a better match for you.

 

 

 

You make some valid points, I have felt like the teacher in the relationship and that's what I was afraid it would come down to with the inexperience. I'm not saying he has to be perfect and be affectionate and expressive 24/7 but it's hard to be with someone that isn't offering either qualities after a while. I don't feel like I'm asking for anything other than basic needs in a relationship. I know i'm not perfect either and there are some things I have worked on that I didn't mention here as to not make this even lengthier. I have tried to read relationship books and really care overall in becoming a better partner and better communicator, the frustration is that it is no reciprocated even when at times he has said that he would try (but he didn't) and I can't be in it alone. I hope this doesn't make me come off as that I'm always after him for not being exactly like I want him because I'm not and I try to be extra praiseful and appreciative when things are going well.

 

As far as him texting me and not replying, that's what I was confused about, because I do need space but I wish I didn't and that's where the confusion lies bc I mean, I do love him.

 

If I walked out every time there was a sign of incompatibility, that would also make me a bad partner, because when you care and love someone you try to see if those are hurdles you can get through together with more understanding, love, and empathy. You don't just throw something away at the sign of trouble, so that's why I've been sticking around. It's a fine line between trying to change someone and trying to improve your relationship no? because in order for things to improve, you have to change certain ways you communicate, or certain ways you express yourself. Is that really changing as a whole though, are you a completely different person? I don't believe so, especially if those qualities/efforts were shown to you at some point.

 

I do realize that eventually it's time to walk away though and I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's that time because you are right,as it stands he's not a good partner for me and I have to keep reminding myself of that .

 

Thanks for the input!