Ex getting with guys in front of me

[Dmarls84]

6 year relationship ended 3 weeks ago.

Its been amicable up until this week, then she accuses me of breaking some of her property (which I absolutely did not do), she has been cold with me this week when we have interacted, will barley look me in the eye.

 

So last night, I am at the pub quiz with my friend, she turns up to meet another friend.

It is awkward, but I say hello, keep my space across the bar, get on with my night etc.

 

She gets drunk, flirting with loads of guys, sometimes in front of me.

Ends up sitting on some guys lap and then goes home with him.

 

What is all that about?

Is she just harsh?

Is she doing it to get a rise out of me?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ugh, that is very distasteful behavior. I don't know her motivation but I'm guessing she's regretting that move this morning!

 

Why do you have so much contact with her if you broke up? Do you work together?

[d0nnivain]

It's about the pub being a public space. Personally after a break up I avoid places where an EX is likely to be. At least in my head I always divided up certain places like he gets "custody" of that place & I get this one. Your EX didn't do that. For a while if she walks into a place, I'd consider walking out unless you want to see more of this. Yeah, yeah, I know you were there first but you can't very well demand she leave.

[Dmarls84]

The contact is about house hold stuff....like bills and belongings that I missed when leaving, stuff in the back of cupboards etc.

 

@d0nnivain Its actually my local, I live but a min walk from there. I know its not mine, but still. My friend is part of a local, shared, friendship group. We actually put it out to everyone to pop down, that's why she turned up. She knew I would be there.

 

I guess I am curious as to why she would do something so blatant?

[d0nnivain]

I don't know why she would do that. You know her. What do you think? She either wants you back or more likely wants to rub it in your face that she doesn't need you / has moved on.

 

It might be "your local" but my advice still stands: she walks in, you walk out.

[Dmarls84]

Yer...noted!

 

Do you not think it is a bit soon to have moved on?

3 weeks after a 6 yr relationship?

Why would she feel the need to rub it in my face?

[elaine567]

Yer...noted!

 

Do you not think it is a bit soon to have moved on?

3 weeks after a 6 yr relationship?

Why would she feel the need to rub it in my face?

 

Just a guess but 6 year relationship no ring, no commitment, was that the real bone of contention?

You failed to step up to the mark, she got fed up, fell out of love and ended it.

As the dumper she probably only told you once she was basically over it, so whilst the break up is new to you, to her it was old news.

 

If that is the case then she is seamlessly moving on but she is also angry because you hurt her, hence wanting to rub it in your face.

"YOU didn't want me or treat me right, but these guys do and will..."

[Dmarls84]

You know what...I wanted to ask about a year and a half ago, but we ran into a bad patch and it didn't seem appropriate...so I never found a good time to do it.

 

Do you think that is what this is about?

 

Have I really hurt her by not committing myself?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you two break up? Who dumped whom?

 

And what was this bad patch related to, which stopped you from asking her to marry you?

 

It might just be that she wants to prove to you and herself that other guys want her. I don't know what your split was about, but this could be an ego thing for her.

[PegNosePete]

The contact is about house hold stuff....like bills and belongings that I missed when leaving, stuff in the back of cupboards etc.

You need to get this all sorted, once and for all. Exchange all your stuff back. Get an Excel sheet with all the bills and stuff, and work out who owes who how much, and pay it. Then you won't need to have any contact any more.

 

Or are you using these things as an excuse to stay in contact?

[Dmarls84]

She initiated the breakup conversation, she therefore broke up with me.

 

The feeling was mutual though, it hasn't been working since the slump initiated about 1 1/2 years ago.

I knew it was coming, I was a bit of a pussy for not dealing with it sooner, or initiating the conversation at least.

 

The past year has been hard; I got sent overseas with work for 6 months, a week at a time (so didn't see each other much); we had problems with our rented flat leading us to be staying in hotels for a few months (very disruptive); I essentially got really down and couldn't lift myself out of the slump. Its my fault in that regard.

 

Why would she want to prove that to me?

[Dmarls84]

No, I have done everything....all bills paid, put in her name and stuff collected!

 

I honestly just want her to be happy, I thought it would be ok to hang out in larger groups, there has been no bitterness etc.... until this point.

 

I see no point in ditching my friends!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She initiated the breakup conversation, she therefore broke up with me.

 

The feeling was mutual though, it hasn't been working since the slump initiated about 1 1/2 years ago.

I knew it was coming, I was a bit of a pussy for not dealing with it sooner, or initiating the conversation at least.

 

The past year has been hard; I got sent overseas with work for 6 months, a week at a time (so didn't see each other much); we had problems with our rented flat leading us to be staying in hotels for a few months (very disruptive); I essentially got really down and couldn't lift myself out of the slump. Its my fault in that regard.

 

Why would she want to prove that to me?

 

Does it matter "why?"

[ExpatInItaly]

She initiated the breakup conversation, she therefore broke up with me.

 

The feeling was mutual though, it hasn't been working since the slump initiated about 1 1/2 years ago.

I knew it was coming, I was a bit of a pussy for not dealing with it sooner, or initiating the conversation at least.

 

The past year has been hard; I got sent overseas with work for 6 months, a week at a time (so didn't see each other much); we had problems with our rented flat leading us to be staying in hotels for a few months (very disruptive); I essentially got really down and couldn't lift myself out of the slump. Its my fault in that regard.

 

Why would she want to prove that to me?

 

Who knows, maybe she's resentful and felt neglected in the relationship or something. Trying to show you that even if you didn't want her, someone else does.

 

Or maybe she just really was attracted to whomever's lap she was sitting on and wasn't really thinking about you at all.

 

I wouldn't necessarily assume her behaviour was directed towards you personally, though.

[d0nnivain]

The lack of ring / commitment probably contributed to the "bad patch." Your mutual failure to address that eventually lead to the break up.

[Bastile]

6 year relationship ended 3 weeks ago.

Its been amicable up until this week, then she accuses me of breaking some of her property (which I absolutely did not do), she has been cold with me this week when we have interacted, will barley look me in the eye.

 

So last night, I am at the pub quiz with my friend, she turns up to meet another friend.

It is awkward, but I say hello, keep my space across the bar, get on with my night etc.

 

She gets drunk, flirting with loads of guys, sometimes in front of me.

Ends up sitting on some guys lap and then goes home with him.

 

What is all that about?

Is she just harsh?

Is she doing it to get a rise out of me?

 

 

I would say that she's filling her empty soul with male-attention, and she is trying to get back at you in the process. She will also likely be scrabbling for social position and leverage among your group.

 

It's pretty standard stuff, to be honest. I had one ex that was a saint during our relationship (this was when I was very young and foolish) turn into a raging sl*t after we broke up. We were out one night at a rock fest, and she did the same things you said. Except she even tried it on with my brother, and he told her to piss off in no uncertain terms

 

She nuked my social circle at the time, because she got with another friend of ours. Splitting the whole thing.

 

This is just how they are, mate. And I seriously can't tell you how wise I am to the game based on those experiences.

 

Don't say you weren't warned.

 

My advice would be to focus on damage limitation. And to no sell any of her nonsense. Indifference is the state, whilst simultaneously clocking her shenanigans.

 

Then just go about your business.

[Greenhawk84]

Showing her you aren't bothered by this would be best. Maybe in the future pick a new spot to check out to avoid seeing her trashy behavior. Plus, new spots are cool!

[JS84]

Whatever remaining business, property, etc you have hanging between you two should be resolved ASAP. You don't need to be amicable to her. You honestly don't need to even be talking to her.

 

A recurring theme here and other relationship sites I've been on seems to be people breaking up but not ending contact, obsessing over everything the ex says or does, trying to maintain some sort of platonic relationship, etc.

 

When a relationship I'm in ends, we don't talk. We're not friends. We don't catch up or have casual conversation. Not because I'm trying to be a dick, but I know the fastest and easiest way to move on from a relationship is to avoid my former partner as much as possible.

 

I realize your breakup is still fresh but what she does, says, etc shouldn't be any of your concern. And any time you find yourself questioning what she's doing or thinking you should tell yourself. "It's not my concern anymore" and then pivot your thoughts to something else. Because it's not your concern anymore.

 

Your goal should be trying to reach a state of indifference when it comes to your feelings towards your ex. Not trying to read her mind and interpret her actions.

[Bastile]

Whatever remaining business, property, etc you have hanging between you two should be resolved ASAP. You don't need to be amicable to her. You honestly don't need to even be talking to her.

 

A recurring theme here and other relationship sites I've been on seems to be people breaking up but not ending contact, obsessing over everything the ex says or does, trying to maintain some sort of platonic relationship, etc.

 

When a relationship I'm in ends, we don't talk. We're not friends. We don't catch up or have casual conversation. Not because I'm trying to be a dick, but I know the fastest and easiest way to move on from a relationship is to avoid my former partner as much as possible.

 

I realize your breakup is still fresh but what she does, says, etc shouldn't be any of your concern. And any time you find yourself questioning what she's doing or thinking you should tell yourself. "It's not my concern anymore" and then pivot your thoughts to something else. Because it's not your concern anymore.

 

Your goal should be trying to reach a state of indifference when it comes to your feelings towards your ex. Not trying to read her mind and interpret her actions.

 

I agree, with the caveat of when someone is intentionally trying to damage you, it is smart to at least be aware of what they are doing.

 

And in the case of a social circle relationship, I've seen it often enough where the girl gets with another member of the social circle simply to feel safe.

 

In the experience I outlined above, I'm quite sure that my ex didn't even like the guy she got with after me

 

The point is why's she acting like such a mess?

 

And partly it is because of a need for attention to fill the void. Partly it is getting back and pushing buttons. And it's often also a need to fit back into the circle through a relationship.

 

Seen it over and over.

Edited August 11, 2017 by Bastile

[preraph]

I hate to say it but exes, both of them, are usually happy to rub it in each other's faces. Which is why, as Donnivain said, it's best to avoid the places you'll see each other -- BUT for sure, I am not going to give up my stomping grounds for long, but that means that I myself have to learn to just deal with it and not ruin my night. The goal, after all, is to stop caring why they were doing what they're doing and just not give a crap. It takes discipline and it's called growing up and getting stronger.

[Been]

Because she knows it will bother you.

I was engaged one time and we broke up. She hooked up 8 days latter with someone after always texting me how "she just laid in bed crying".

You can go to places she's goes if you want but be prepared for a public scene-even if you act indifferent I have a feeling she's going to go out of her way to get your attention.

[Goodguy05]

The contact is about house hold stuff....like bills and belongings that I missed when leaving, stuff in the back of cupboards etc.

 

@d0nnivain Its actually my local, I live but a min walk from there. I know its not mine, but still. My friend is part of a local, shared, friendship group. We actually put it out to everyone to pop down, that's why she turned up. She knew I would be there.

 

I guess I am curious as to why she would do something so blatant?

 

She did it to hurt u. My ex did something similar at work it's to get back at us for whatever there reasons are