3 weeks NC, mixed signals? Struggling.

[SuperLost]

I am 3 weeks in from being broken up with my girlfriend of 4 years. We lived together for 3. We owned rescue dogs together, fixed the house together (she paid mortgage i helped bills). Anyway, i got complacent and we slowly became more like room mates who had sex together and ate dinner together on the couch. We didn't even go to bed at the same time, the distance became real. Toward the end i had lost sight of my goals/unemployment. (both early 20's) She told me she wants something else, someone who wants to start a family, and pay attention/prioritize her. Keep in mind i was not opposed to a family just not early 20's. I always said 25 would be best.

 

For the first week i kept contact but didn't beg, just said i wanted to still text. At the end of the week, she entered a long distance rebound with someone in the army (who is about to be deployed to Africa in a few months). Idk if the rebound's distance makes it easier for her to fill her void without committing physically so soon?

 

Anyway my main question is, 3 weeks into no contact now, since the day i saw that relationship status on FB. When would be an appropriate time to get my important belongings back? I wanted to give it a few weeks but i will need them by September. How would you recommend going about this? We are still in love but need space. I should confirm that yes, of course i do want to still salvage this relationship. I feel horrid physically and mentally. One thing worth noting, as a music producer, i can see my soundcloud stats per user. She has been playing my music 5+ times a week these first 3 weeks. Maybe as a coping mechanism? She also made a facebook status that seemed directed at me. Since i always cut the grass and own the lawn mower, she made a status a week or two ago like "Im looking for lawn maintenance for the rest of the year, send me recommendations ." Wouldn't someone just google a company?

 

P.s. The day before she entered that rebound she drove over to my current place for something back and was crying saying it's horrible in the house alone now and that she loves me and wants me to come back but at the same time doesn't, and needs space. Mixed signals are the worst man! Still love this girl to death and i feel she feels the same but is confused as hell. I feel like i'm constantly drowning when i think about her 100% moved on. She blocked me on fb but i can still see her posts (and i know she checks mine, because the day i posted a new song on soundcloud she knew immediately because i made an fb status). She shares tumblr type posts about starting over and becoming happier.

 

Thanks so much for reading if you did <3

[bummer]

Sorry to hear about the breakup. Never fun.

 

I think she is trying hard to move on and you should to. I'm not sensing the extent of your current dynamic leaves a door open.

 

Text her and tell her you need some things and give her a date and approximate time you wish to collect knowing she is there to let you in the house.

 

If it's cordial, offer to mow the lawn and leave promptly. If it's not, take your stuff and try to maintain NC for your self. Do not dally there, do not beg for anything.

 

Work on the things she wants you to improve, but not for her, for you. Probably not a bad personal accomplishment to have gainful employment. For me, being more attentive and present when with a significant other has been my biggest lesson I still struggle with.

 

Her rebound isn't your concern and you should try not to gain information. But yes, perhaps she doesn't need a physical companion (you=roommate), she needs an emotional and intellectual one to keep her sane right now (not you=someone more receptive to her goals and interests).

[SuperLost]

Sorry to hear about the breakup. Never fun.

 

I think she is trying hard to move on and you should to. I'm not sensing the extent of your current dynamic leaves a door open.

 

Text her and tell her you need some things and give her a date and approximate time you wish to collect knowing she is there to let you in the house.

 

If it's cordial, offer to mow the lawn and leave promptly. If it's not, take your stuff and try to maintain NC for your self. Do not dally there, do not beg for anything.

 

Work on the things she wants you to improve, but not for her, for you. Probably not a bad personal accomplishment to have gainful employment. For me, being more attentive and present when with a significant other has been my biggest lesson I still struggle with.

 

Her rebound isn't your concern and you should try not to gain information. But yes, perhaps she doesn't need a physical companion (you=roommate), she needs an emotional and intellectual one to keep her sane right now (not you=someone more receptive to her goals and interests).

 

Thanks for the response, it means a lot! Yeah idk im not too concerned about this rebound. Im mostly concerned on fixing myself right now. If i go for my things, trust me, i wouldn't beg or even seem excited to be there. I'd be short, but not cold. The illusion of having moved on even if not true would be my best bet im assuming. Funny you should use a door metaphor. 2 weeks ago when she came for her belonging she was like "let's not close this door completely, lets leave it slightly open." Also said something like "im afraid ill meet someone and they won't turn out to be what i thought, and you won't ever talk to me again afterwards."

 

Sounds like she is keeping me as a safety net at some point. If that happens, i won't be receptive. If im still feeling the blues, ill let her earn me back, i won't just be like "oh yay welcome back."

[HarmonyDriven]

Based on what you have noted, you did not meet her needs and it appears she may not have met yours either. Sounds like she is looking for someone better but may return to you if she doesn't find him.

 

I think it's great you are focused on "fixing yourself." In fact, it's probably the best thing you could do right now.

 

Other than that, if you are trying to do no contact, see if a mutual friend can pick up your personal belongings. If not, text her for date/time to pick up items when she is not home.

 

For some odd reason, I wonder if she is trying to make you jealous and wants a reaction? Lots of mixed signals....ugh....not a fun roller coaster ride.....

[PegNosePete]

When would be an appropriate time to get my important belongings back?

3 weeks ago. It makes no sense to leave this hanging over your head. Get it done ASAP.

 

We are still in love but need space.

"We"? There is no "we" any more. She has made it quite clear that she is not interested in salvaging this ex-relationship. Sorry.

 

You should collect your things ASAP. Tell her to put them all in a box (if there's anything particularly important then mention them by name) and pick up the box. Don't go in, don't have a coffee or a chat. Just collect the box through the open door and be on your way. If you've got any of her stuff then put it in a box and pass it through the door also.

 

She has been playing my music 5+ times a week these first 3 weeks. Maybe as a coping mechanism? She also made a facebook status that seemed directed at me.

I thought you are in NC? Do you know what NC means?

[SuperLost]

3 weeks ago. It makes no sense to leave this hanging over your head. Get it done ASAP.

 

 

"We"? There is no "we" any more. She has made it quite clear that she is not interested in salvaging this ex-relationship. Sorry.

 

You should collect your things ASAP. Tell her to put them all in a box (if there's anything particularly important then mention them by name) and pick up the box. Don't go in, don't have a coffee or a chat. Just collect the box through the open door and be on your way. If you've got any of her stuff then put it in a box and pass it through the door also.

 

 

I thought you are in NC? Do you know what NC means?

 

True im not completely stalking but, i check my soundcloud stats every other day, and have for years. Also, with the "we" thing. It's mostly what she said to me in the car that day. "oh i dont just love you, im still IN love with you, just can't do this now" etc. I am not giving myself a false hope i was just noting that after like 5 years on and off im sure she didn't stop loving in 3 weeks. If she did then oh well, i'll live, it sucks but im 23. Also, pet situation is tough. I named our dogs, fed them every day, spent the most time with them, but she signed adoption papers.

 

Anyway i refuse to be put on the back burner, lmao everytime i told her "hey if youre gonna move on and see other people i will too" she would ball her eyes out, as if its only acceptable that she moves on and that i wait for her. I'm playing a show in philly in november and she was like freaking out about girls that'll be there etc. she was like "of course now that we are apart you are gonna change and some other girl is gonna get a better version of you, this is so unfair."

Well, thats the risk you took when you cut it off right?

 

Also worth mentioning that my belongings wouldn't fit in a box. I would get my snow blower, lawn mower, 55 inch 4k tv in the living room, weed whacker, speakers, couple other tv's etc. It's gonna look so hostile when i rip that stuff out but oh well haha. If i really wanted to i could take the fridge and mattress too, cuz i bought those. Come to think of it i could really strip the house down if i wanted to be petty about what was mine. I won't though.

Edited August 11, 2017 by SuperLost

[d0nnivain]

You are not NC if you are still connected through FB or other social media. A couple also shouldn't be NC until they unravel all the living together parts a departure requires.

 

If you need you need your stuff you pick up the phone & tell her when you would like to come get it. If you still have a key you go get it then leave the key on the table & go. If you don't have a key, ask her to leave one under the mat. It's a business transaction at this point, treat it this way.

 

If you genuinely want to "change" for her, at a minimum have a job before you try to reconcile.

[SuperLost]

You are not NC if you are still connected through FB or other social media. A couple also shouldn't be NC until they unravel all the living together parts a departure requires.

 

If you need you need your stuff you pick up the phone & tell her when you would like to come get it. If you still have a key you go get it then leave the key on the table & go. If you don't have a key, ask her to leave one under the mat. It's a business transaction at this point, treat it this way.

 

If you genuinely want to "change" for her, at a minimum have a job before you try to reconcile.

 

Yeah you are right. If i go to get my things, i absolutely would keep that text short and concise and not act like im still interested. And yeah i mean deep down of course i want to reconcile, we are eachother's first everything. Started dating at 18, i broke up with her a couple times, now she's broken up with me, etc thats been the story for about 5 years. She was telling me after we broke up she would still want to get my artist name tattoo'd and ****. Haha such a weird situation. Regardless of if she moves on or not, it's tricky because we never dated before eachother (in a real sense at least).

 

Last time we broke up, she went in a rebound, and a year later i hit her up for sex while she was dating him and she broke up with him on the spot and came over for sex. Then i asked her back out the next day. We've been playing games for years. The day before she entered the long distance rebound (3 weeks ago) she was laying on my lap making out with me saying she wants me to get my life together so that we can get back, because the current situation was toxic. But if i do so, im doing it for ME, and if she wants me back and regrets her decision when she sees a new and improved me, i may not even want it back who knows.

 

All i know is, moving in together between ages 21-23 is tough! You lose that romantic flair pretty quick I mean we both find each other deadly attractive but beside that it got real dead fast.