We moved too fast, she initiated a lot, I pushed it too far, she pulled out

[kfey]

Met a woman off Tinder about two weeks ago. In that time frame, we saw each other/went out about four times, each for a couple hours at most. Interest was pretty mutual.

 

Last week we had planned to spend some time together on the weekend. She texted me saying she hoped we'd get some alone time too, with a lot of innuendo. Thursday night I asked her out for a beer, we did, and she invited me over for the night. She invited me to her room, she asked me to put on a condom. We had sex for the first time. All her initiation.

 

We decided the next day that Saturday would be a day to go use my family's pool. She mentioned how much she wanted to. I went along, knowing that this would mean she'd meet my mother, thinking "if she's ready to do this, so am I". We spent the entire day together, grilling, swimming, drinking, and when my mother left, having more sex and smoking weed.

 

She seemed very, very into me all day. She told me how much she liked me, to complimenting me multiple times during sex ("you have a great penis" were her exact words, twice). We had already discussed plans for the following weekend, which involved a ballgame with my family and some friends on Sunday, and also time with her friends the day before. She even suggested we camp together one night.

 

I was getting very caught up in this all, as was she. She noticed some anxiety with me, especially during sex. When she asked why, I told her it was because I was worried she wasn't as into me as I was into her. And she told me that I had nothing to worry about.

 

While we were intimate, I told her I was falling in love with her. In hindsight, that's too much that early.

 

She stayed over at my family's place until the next morning, when we made breakfast. She had plans later in the day but wanted to go back to her place with me first.

 

She left first, then called saying she wanted to take a nap prior to her plans that afternoon, which was fine. We didn't talk much the rest of the day.

 

Monday morning she asked if I'd bought her ticket for the coming weekend's baseball game, which I had. She said she'd need to cancel the plans we'd talked about Saturday in order to go Sunday to pack for her coming move. I said I'd help, she said that's ok. Probably shouldn't have said that.

 

A couple hours later, she texts me saying she wants to end it. She'd had fun, but the weekend was weird. I asked why.

 

I was moving too fast. She and I aren't on the same page, and we want different things. I asked what she wants out of this. She doesn't know what she wants, and doesn't want to drag me along emotionally while she figures her out stuff out.

 

She thinks I'm more into her than she is, and that I don't know her well enough yet to feel so strongly. She even said she didn't feel a strong enough sexual connection.

 

Further into the discussion (over text, sadly) her stance even went to "I don't want to be in a relationship right now." We hadn't had any talks about this, but I get the feeling she was wary of the emotional stuff I was initiating.

 

After we bantered about it on text for about 45 minutes, with me reiterating how into her I was, I said maybe we can talk about this later via phone. She said that night wasn't a good night and I did not reply.

 

Didn't text her Tuesday, and she didn't reach out either. I thought a lot about it, talked to friends and my mother. Came to the following realization:

 

She's right, we did move to fast. I didn't know her well enough to feel that strongly for her.

 

Some things she said Saturday were probably as a result of her getting caught up in the moment. But still, a lot of things felt real to me.

 

Yesterday (Wednesday), I texted her saying "you're right, we did move too fast. And I said some things I shouldn't have." I know, not super engaging, but I do think she was correct. She hasn't responded.

 

My feelings were a mess until today. Part of me thought that perhaps it's for the best, and I should move on, and not contact her again. I should spend time working on my problems with anxiety and sex. Part of me was still really into her and wants to continue along the lines of what happened this weekend.

 

But I've settled on a midpoint after the suggestion of my mother. What I'd like is to keep seeing her, but take it real slow. Soon I'll be very busy with grad school starting up anyway. I'll spend time dealing with the anxiety problems, especially regarding sex, which have been present for a while, but have been avoiding. I've scheduled an initial intake with a therapist.

 

I do want to her to be in my life though, my feelings are still there, but not a strong. I'd like to spend time getting to know each other, maybe with less frequency, not talking/texting every day as we had been. A female friend of mine who I've been talking about this all with thinks it's practical.

 

I don't know how to approach this with her. I haven't asked her if we could talk yet. And if she does agree to meet (feels unlikely to me), I don't know how I could facilitate this.

 

I also don't know what's going on with her, that she wants to figure out. It seemed like she was having a lot of fun with me, and my mother got that impression as well. My guess is that she is/was more interested in being with someone to go out and have fun with, and perhaps is not ready for the emotional stuff.

 

I've thought about this a lot. And after going from one night yearning for her, to another wanting to give up and not talk to her again, I still feel enough for her that I want to move forward, much more slowly. But I feel like I can't recover from what's happened. What I propose seems like a compromise from our respective positions on Monday, but now it's become what I want, when what she wanted (still wants?) was to end it.

 

Any ideas?

[emsx0x]

Yeah you guys definitely moved way too fast and it freaked her out, sometimes people get caught up in the moment without thinking of the repercussions. Also women need to wonder about you, you show a woman you like her by your actions not your words. When things move too fast like that, they tend to burn out fast too. You could try messaging her but it sounds like she lost her feelings for you.

[kfey]

You're right on all accounts. My hope is that she hasn't lost ALL her feelings, and might recognize that she also moved too quick. I wasn't quite ready for sex either, and was hesitant about introducing her to family, but in both instances she kind of initiated that, and I went along with it. I feel like she was more in the driver's seat as we were moving too quickly.

[Robratory]

You have to move on and commit to not making the same mistakes over again.

 

First, it's almost always a red flag when the girl is this aggressive this early. It usually means (a) she wants a roll in the hay, or (b) she's working out some drama in her life. In the case of (b), maybe she wants to get over an ex-boyfriend or maybe she wants to make someone jealous. It's impossible to know, but it's a red flag.

 

Second, here's why moving too fast is bad. Imagine you meet a girl, and she's ok. You look forward to seeing her again, but then suddenly, she loves you to pieces, she's planning a future, she wants you to be her wiki-boo for ever and ever. What do you do? You run like hell, right? Of course, because it either means that she's putting you on, or worse, she means it and she's totally nuts.

 

It's not normal to actually love someone so soon. What people are loving is the feeling of being in love.

 

Third, unless the girl is really touchy-feely, and not at all of them are, don't talk about anxieties or personal issues like that.

 

I still feel enough for her

 

Nah... you don't feel anything for her. You're just lonely. If you had three or four working prospects, you wouldn't even give this girl a second look once all the drama started surfacing.

 

You will eventually find yourself on the other side of the table, with a girl far more into you than you are into her, and you'll see how too-early expressions of total devotion make you feel uncomfortable.

[Space Ritual]

Any ideas?

 

Yes.

 

You don't tell somebody from Tinder you are falling in love with them after banging them for 2 weeks.

 

She now sees you as a clinger, and a needful thing. Never a good position for a man to be in.That will not change unless she wants it to. Don't expect her to communicate much if anything.

 

Move on. You got some valuable experience on what NOT to do when meeting women on Tinder, or anywhere else.

 

Learn to keep your ears open and your mouth shut when beginning the courting phase.

[diddilybop]

yeah, as everyone else has said, things moved too quickly between you two. while i'm sure that you guys had a genuine feelings for each other, when it fires up too quickly, it doesn't leave room for growth and development. yes, she initiated things, as you did too but what you know now is that she's not interested anymore. she MIGHT be interested later on and send out a text a month or two from now but i wouldn't bank on that.

 

it's time to move on and maybe not throw everything into one person right away the next time.

[kfey]

 

Nah... you don't feel anything for her. You're just lonely. If you had three or four working prospects, you wouldn't even give this girl a second look once all the drama started surfacing.

 

You will eventually find yourself on the other side of the table, with a girl far more into you than you are into her, and you'll see how too-early expressions of total devotion make you feel uncomfortable.

 

Honestly I left 2 or 3 other prospects, ones I wasn't crazy about, behind and focused on her. I've been on the other side of the table. A woman once told me she loved me after like 2 months. I broke up with her a month or so later. I get it.

[kfey]

At this point I know what to do next time, if this doesn't work out. But I'm wondering if there's anything I can do now. My inclination to wait a few weeks before contacting her again. Part of me worries that's too long.

[Herbalist]

You didn't describe anything about her other than that she was aggressive, a dominant/leader sort in the tango, and that she really wanted your penis. But as far as about her, as a person, rather than just some of what she is like within the context of dating, there is nothing.

 

Sounds more like maybe you have learned about some of what you like. Maybe you like more dominant women, as long as they are not like, disrespectful/mean. But just women who are take charge types and like to lead in a relationship. Maybe you like an aggressive, seductive and demanding tigress in the bedroom.

 

That's chill, it is good to learn about yourself and what you like and such. But it's that stuff you liked, not HER, as a person. So don't be trippin out and panicking, you can still find other women who also have those qualities.

 

It seems like the big mistake was saying that you thought you loved her. That was the thing that killed it, just about 99% for sure. Men who say that in a situation like what you describe, are either so emotionally immature that they equate love with their penis, or they are manipulative and say whatever they think will get them what they want, such as thinking, "I love you," is a way to make a woman stick around, in essence then a man who uses words like "love" as empty, meaningless words, a man with no depth. Not really "crazy" because lots of people who are perfectly sane still struggle with emotional immaturity and/or dysfunctional interpersonal issues. Both things can be worked on and do not mean a person is necessarily nuts. We all start somewhere and all that jazz.

 

So introspection here seems:

 

1. Figure out why you said that, what is the underlying issue it came from, work on that issue, and don't beat yourself up for it, everybody's got issues in life.

 

2. You might really be into more dominant and take charge women. Aint nothin wrong with that.

[kazen]

The age old pitfall of "I'm falling for you" or "I love you" too early in the dating process. Every generations of young men still fall for this trap apparently. All fathers should be teaching their sons to avoid this relationship killer. Of course I blame hollywood movies for deceiving young men into believing that if they confess their love for a girl, she'll fall in love right back. Nope, instead it scares them away and they run for the hills.

[kfey]

1. Figure out why you said that, what is the underlying issue it came from, work on that issue, and don't beat yourself up for it, everybody's got issues in life.

 

2. You might really be into more dominant and take charge women. Aint nothin wrong with that.

 

1. It was your second one. I was telling her all these sweet things so that she'd stick around, because I really liked this woman. And I was intimidated by her in a way. I found her so attractive in many ways. Was more nervous before date no. 1 with her than I have been on almost any first dates. She gave me butterflies. She even said once I made her feel that way too. But while I might be manipulative, I do have depth so you're not entirely right.

 

2. I do like take-charge women, and I knew that already. I think it's fine too!

[springy]

Sorry but I do not think it is a good idea to reach out again now or later. She did not answer your last text. I think that after just 2 weeks it would be better to take the lesson and move on. It was a bit much too soon but she played a part in that too. Sorry.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If someone you have only known for two weeks tells you that they don't feel a strong sexual connection and want to see you anymore, there is virtually nothing you can say to change their mind.

 

Unfortunately, the more you try and push for a second chance, the more desperate and unattractive you will appear to her. There just hasn't been enough time to build a bond that would make her feel attached to you in that way.

 

It might have been nice as a brief fling, but for her the attraction appears to have fizzled out quickly. I'm sorry but I really think contacting her again would be a waste of your time.

[ExpatInItaly]

If she's on Tinder, keep in mind she could have met another guy she just clicked better with too.

 

I have no doubt that moving so quickly (on both your parts) and then you telling her you were falling in love with her freaked her out, though. Especially the latter. It seems insincere, because you don't really know her. I don't mean that you had a malicious intention, but I would be very skeptical about any guy telling me they were falling in love within days of meeting me.

 

Also, you mention you had some anxiety - how did this manifest, exactly? What happened?

 

I'm not sure you can salvage this. She's already not responded to your message, so it would be best to let it go. The risk is that it becomes very awkward when your reach out again (either she ignores you again or flat-out rejects you) or agrees to some no-strings fun, which also isn't a good thing n your case. Next time, don't let your emotions and hormones get the better of you.

[Goodguy05]

At this point I know what to do next time, if this doesn't work out. But I'm wondering if there's anything I can do now. My inclination to wait a few weeks before contacting her again. Part of me worries that's too long.

 

It's never too long. In fact the longer the better it gives rise to feelings of missing you

[kfey]

I don't really think she was just out for a hookup.

 

The anxiety was part of the hormones and emotions, as you said. It was the worry that she'd suddenly dump me and decide she wasn't into me anymore. Self-fulfilling prophecy I guess. I did tell her this, and she told me I shouldn't worry. I believed that and stopped worrying, at the time.

 

At this point, I think I will wait at least a couple weeks and see how I feel before reaching out... the feelings of wanting to see her vacillate between really wanting to and barely wanting to, but are there at a basic level.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't really think she was just out for a hookup.

 

The anxiety was part of the hormones and emotions, as you said. It was the worry that she'd suddenly dump me and decide she wasn't into me anymore. Self-fulfilling prophecy I guess. I did tell her this, and she told me I shouldn't worry. I believed that and stopped worrying, at the time.

 

At this point, I think I will wait at least a couple weeks and see how I feel before reaching out... the feelings of wanting to see her vacillate between really wanting to and barely wanting to, but are there at a basic level.

 

The thing is, it was far too soon to be worrying about that. You had known each other a handful of days, so it's not realistic to be worrying that she'll dump you. I'm not saying it's wrong to have voiced that, necessarily, but it's a lot of pressure to put on someone who hardly knows you.

[kfey]

The thing is, it was far too soon to be worrying about that. You had known each other a handful of days, so it's not realistic to be worrying that she'll dump you. I'm not saying it's wrong to have voiced that, necessarily, but it's a lot of pressure to put on someone who hardly knows you.

 

Agreed. I put a lot of pressure on her.

 

I feel like I recognize all the mistakes I made at this point.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would honestly just take this experience as a learning opportunity, and aim to start fresh with someone new.

[kfey]

I still can't ignore the feelings I have left for her, and some of her actions (not just words) during the fling which made me get so swept up. In the past two years I've dated a lot of people, and the quality of the women, and my connections with them has been steadily improving to now. I had seen her on all the apps/sites I used for several months prior to this and really liked everything I saw there, and we finally connected this month. It felt like everything had come together and this was the reward for the years of dating struggles.

Edited August 11, 2017 by kfey

[kfey]

Well, does anyone have steps I could take to re-establish something with her, or is the total consensus here that it's a lost cause?

[spiderowl]

If she did really like you, she will get in touch herself. It may just be a friendly text. If she does get in touch, then respond of course but be more casual and let her suggest any meetings. Ask her how she is and be kind and interested but not too involved. You need to make her feel she can contact you without you turning up the pressure again.

 

If you are desperate to contact her, I would leave it a week or two and then maybe a 'How are you doing?' text, nothing more. It shows you want to maintain contact but are not going to bombard her. The worst thing is when a guy gets in touch casually like that but then tells you everything he has been doing all week. You just know he is too invested and quite frankly it can be worrying early on. If you like someone but are just enjoying the company and fun at that point, you don't want to feel you are going to break their heart if you do not fall in love with them.

 

Also, she may be multi-dating, seeing who she gets on with best. While she might not be sleeping with other guys - although that seems unlikely given her confidence in approaching you - she may still want to keep in touch with others without feeling 'supervised' by someone who has fallen for her faster.

[diddilybop]

not that this the same exact situation but you kinda remind of a guy i went on a few dates with several years ago. i could tell he really liked me A LOT and while i enjoyed his company at first, i realized i just wanted to be on my own/date around for fun. i told him the truth that i didn't want to go out anymore and he still constantly tried to keep in touch with me, whether it was to be friends or to somehow "persuade" me to re-establish things with him. he made me feel really pressured, which made it more clear that things wouldn't work between us. it got really annoying.

 

don't be that annoying guy. give her space aka leave her alone, do your own thing in the meantime and IF she contacts you and if you're still interested, go ahead and see what happens.

Edited August 12, 2017 by diddilybop

[kfey]

i realized i just wanted to be on my own/date around for fun.

 

Kind of feel like that's where she is too. We had a lot of fun, and I don't think she wanted to get emotionally involved, and I started moving it towards that when she seemed open to it.

 

Anyway, I only sent her one text (Wednesday this week) after the initial convo about the break on Monday. I'm thinking I'll wait until the week after next and seeing how I feel and if I want to text her. Maybe even another week after. I feel like I'll probably want to talk to her again.

[Space Ritual]

I don't really think she was just out for a hookup.

 

Dude,

 

Come on. You met her on Tinder, not Christian effing Mingle.

 

You had fun.

Ir ran it's course fairly quickly when you dropped the bomb and she decided she wanted to move in a more causal direction.

 

Accept it for what it was and go swipe somebody else. There are plenty on Social Media that I'm sure would love a roll in the hay with you as long as you keep it casual. Do not contact her again. She will likely label you as Beta if you contact her again. You need to play it detached. Women don't like Clingers, no matter what age they are...and the older the more pathetic. Don't ...Just Don't.