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Have you ever given an ex a second chance?


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Have you ever had a situation where your BF/GF left you and after all that he/she came back to you and wanted to date you again. Or it doesn't even have to be BF/GF it can be your date you really liked but rejected you for someone else. How did it go? Did you get back together or was it just waste of time?

I personally have had a couple situations like this. My problem, as a man, is that when they come back after breaking up with you because of someone else, I don't feel like a man anymore. I mean I feel like im not the same man as I used to be when I first met her. I don't feel like im in charge or that im the catch/prize anymore. And thats the feeling you, as a man, should have when dating women. Being chased by them and be the leader. You need to feel your power.

 

I only feel like a pussy who is taking back queen highness and I feel like I have 0 value. I don't trust myself or them that they like me. I feel like im her doormat and she is more valuable than I am.

 

Have you ever turned something like this into a healthy relationship? How have you turned it to feel like a man/female again and feel that you are the prize and have a high value again?

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ExpatInItaly

I have only once given a guy a second chance. My ex was emotionally unstable and broke it off in a fit of anger. He came back, cap in hand, promising to change.

 

Notice I still refer to him as my ex? I certainly learned my lesson!

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You've had a couple situations and it failed? Me too. It's the norm. Leaving a relationship is something of a last result. It breaks the status quo and destroys at least something of the original relationship. IMO, breakups are final, but people have their doubts and try again only to realize with a big red stamp that it was a bad idea. I haven't learned my lesson yet, and I agree that it is totally emasculating.

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I broke up with one ex and took her back after three weeks and we broke up again after 8 months.

 

I have a friend who made it her policy to never give a second chance. I am now, after some experience inclined to adopt this policy as well. From what I've seen it works in maybe 5% of the cases. My brother is an example. He broke up with his GF after she kissed another guy and confessed. They got back together after almost a year on her request. Both remained single during that time.

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I did once and it was a waste of time. She broke up with me to be "alone" and a week latter was dating someone else who turned out to be a real loser. Of course she came back running to me claiming all these different things-didnt realize how much she missed me,how she had changed, and etc.

The first time I dated her I was a chump. I allowed her to cross too many lines. The second time we got back together I went into it with my eyes wide open.

And sure enough I could almost time her behaviour. When we got back together at first it was great. She promised everything. Wanted to get married. Sure enough the second month she cooled off. And I expected it.

She started acting distant and I just told her I didn't feel the same anymore towards her. It took too much work to make her happy- that she was just all talk and never backed up anything. And she was shocked. So I told her I had no time in my life for someone who one minute wants me and the the next they don't.

It was a waste of time per say but it kind of broke the spell she had on me-their was a time she could do no wrong in my eyes. Second time pretty much ended that thinking.

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And I agree with you on the trust issue-you just never fully trust them again. And you do feel like someone got one over on you when you take them back.

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And I agree with you on the trust issue-you just never fully trust them again. And you do feel like someone got one over on you when you take them back.

 

Yeah exactly you still like the girl but you cant feel the same anymore. Im on no contact atm and I told her that if she wants to come back more than just friends, she can call me if im still available. Should I text her now that I don't feel the same anymore and she can just sleep with me if she wants at some point?

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This should answer your question.

 

No. Contact.

 

Yeah but I tried it before, she came back, went still back to her ex. I think this time if im no contact she is scared to hurt me once again if she comes back. Isn't it better just to text her and tell her that I don't probably feel anything in the future but she can still have sex with me if she wants? or is this bad

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There's no one rule is there but I would say there needs to be real demonstrable efforts on the part of the dumper / key person responsible for the breakup - to make amends and change.

 

I was on/off with a girl whom would far too easily have instinctive reactions to bail on situations and indeed me - rather than work it out. Of course the reality is she likely wasn't as keen as me too, but even in situations with family and friends she'd flee and avoid people to be alone at times.

 

I foolishly maneuvered her back, we improved, were good, I let her chase more early on and she came on strong. But ultimately the slightest issue and her inclination was still to run again. This drove my anxiety, insecurities thus making the whole thing come down. I fundamentally don't think she ever quite realised and realises, her behaviors were pivotal in the down falls. Unless the person does - you are likely on a run to a repeat of earlier rounds.

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Have you ever turned something like this into a healthy relationship? How have you turned it to feel like a man/female again and feel that you are the prize and have a high value again?

 

I'm a woman but it can't be done If you break up because somebody else is in the picture, the EX only returns because you are second choice.

 

I took EXs back twice.

 

The first time he dumped me because he was concerned after 18 months & our life stages that we were headed toward marriage & he didn't want that with me. He wanted marriage but not with me. We are in the same line of work & he didn't want to "compete" with his wife (translation -- I'm smarter then he is). Anyway, I begged, pleaded, cajoled & chased. Basically I did everything you aren't supposed to do after a break up. After 3 months of me begging he took me back. We lasted 2 weeks. It was so awkward, so broken & there was no trust.

 

Second time, we kind of drifted apart because I wasn't that into him. It had been about a 6 week summer romance. . . nothing too serious. Maybe two years later we bumped into each other again & dated for about 6 months. It was fun but he wasn't the love of my life & we both knew it.

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Once, we were in highschool and she broke up with me after two weeks of dating because she was too afraid of being caught by her dad. After we graduated, she ask me out again because she'll be moving out for college.

 

Since then, I don't give second chances because once my heart is broken, then the trust I had for them is lost forever.

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I do know of 2 second chance success stories.

 

My college roommate was with her BF from 7th grade through junior year of college when he broke up with her to see what else was out there. He was back about 2 years later begging her to take him back because he made a mistake. She made him work for it for about 2 years before she took him back. The celebrated their 26th weeding anniversary earlier this year.

 

My friend's son is engaged to his HS GF. They broke up freshman year of college. Two years after college they met up at a party & realized they had both grown up. They have been together for about 5 years, living together for about 18 months now & will marry next summer.

 

Both of those stories involved young people who needed time to mature.

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Yeah exactly you still like the girl but you cant feel the same anymore. Im on no contact atm and I told her that if she wants to come back more than just friends, she can call me if im still available. Should I text her now that I don't feel the same anymore and she can just sleep with me if she wants at some point?

Why would you do that?

 

SHE broke up with you, she is therefore the one with the power, that is how it works.

She wanted to date others, you are now her plan B.

 

Making a FWB out of an ex is only OK if you are not the one who cares.

She hurt you and took a piece of your manhood with her so YOU care and being her FWB "if she wants to" will only mess you up even further.

FWBs are only for people who have no feelings for each other, otherwise the one with the feelings always gets very hurt and that I guess will be you.

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If they left you for someone else then no chance of getting back even if you still feel for them. As the OP said for a guy its quite emasculating, and I can only assume its a similar feeling for women in the reverse situation. Then there are the feelings of betrayal and resentment which will eventually surface in time but it's also a matter of self respect.

 

If the breakup was for other reasons and the two people have spent time apart, possibly years, then I think it could be worth giving it a go providing the original breakup was as amicable as it could have been and both people have gone on to live their lives and grown.

 

E.g. I'd definitely go out with a very old ex of mine from 7-8 years ago. We broke up because we had to move away from each other and LDR didn't work but occasionally keep in touch and get on well, but we're still not living in the same place and probably won't be any time soon.

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If they left you for someone else then no chance of getting back even if you still feel for them. As the OP said for a guy its quite emasculating, and I can only assume its a similar feeling for women in the reverse situation. Then there are the feelings of betrayal and resentment which will eventually surface in time but it's also a matter of self respect.

 

If the breakup was for other reasons and the two people have spent time apart, possibly years, then I think it could be worth giving it a go providing the original breakup was as amicable as it could have been and both people have gone on to live their lives and grown.

 

E.g. I'd definitely go out with a very old ex of mine from 7-8 years ago. We broke up because we had to move away from each other and LDR didn't work but occasionally keep in touch and get on well, but we're still not living in the same place and probably won't be any time soon.

 

So what I did when telling her that I probably wont feel anything anymore was the right thing to do. Im dont to want her think that she can use me once again.

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So what I did when telling her that I probably wont feel anything anymore was the right thing to do. Im dont to want her think that she can use me once again.

 

No it wasn't. She left you for someone else, she should be history to you now and you shouldn't be telling her anything at all. Even telling her she can come back for sex is showing weakness and letting her think that she can turn up at any time and you'll be there waiting.

 

It doesn't matter if you still have feelings for her, it's called self respect and if you want a sense of your masculinity back then never looking back is how you'll get it.

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It doesn't matter if you still have feelings for her, it's called self respect and if you want a sense of your masculinity back then never looking back is how you'll get it.

 

 

Exactly!

 

 

It's natural to feel sad & rejected & to even reminisce about the good times. But to reclaim your pride & self esteem you can't let the other person know you have those feelings.

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Yeah.. usually it's okay for a while. Break-up/Make-up sex can be the most intense cocktail served to your brain. But things got worse..

 

 

I am not saying 2nd chances are worthless because people can learn from mistakes. You just have to work extra hard at the resolution. People who really love each other probably don't break up anyway, but if you really love each other it will work.

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My first relationship many years ago, I took him back when he returned. It didn't last long and he was back to his old destructive habits.

 

I would not take back an ex who left me for someone else. I am certain I would be unable to get past that.

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I am one that makes my intentions and expectations very clear from the start. No ambiguity. I do not give second chances.

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yeah, and each time we got back together, it reminded me of why we broke up in the first place. we weren't right for each other because we wanted different things. i think there are successful second chances stories but they're very rare. if things don't work the second time or even the third time, it's not worth your energy or your heart.

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Yes my ex wife together 10 years she broke it off and 8 mths later came back I took her back after a few weeks I shldnt have well not made it so easy and she didn't really try just the first call then she went hot and cold and wanted a divorce.

 

The recent ex feels like she's about to come back after a yr broken up just something I'm sensing and a few psychics advised such I took wth a grain of salt but actually makes sense at how things have turned out for her.

 

Maybe it can work but I feel the op has to feel a genuine sense of regret and not because there life's not going so great wen they return .

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No. I have a lot of pride. Even when I wanted to give in, I wouldn't. I will be friends but never lovers again, not trust them again. What would stop me is how mad I'd be at myself if I tried again and they hurt me again.

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Good choice Preraph because yes I was very upset with myself I think self respect there's no price on it. Plus the other thing is trust especially if they hooked up wth someone else in the break u0 it'll just eat away at u at some stage.

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