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A case of GIGS? Or are labels useless...


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Hi everyone. I recently (a few weeks ago) broke up with my [29M] ex-girlfriend [30F] of 6.5 years.

 

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not posting this in the hope someone will tell me she'll want to come back, and I know that I should just move on. I'm in NC at the moment: removed all contact details of her, de-activated social media and blocked any site that I could see her face. It's helpful. However, I've kind of given myself these first few weeks to reflect and rationalise what happened (as much as possible), because it's cathartic to me and helps in the short term.

 

This community is a great way to gain perspective, so thanks to anyone who is willing to read through the long details and provide their opinions.

 

So, the usual start of these threads. It's a cliche but we did have a great relationship, in the sense that we were best friends and fully supportive of each other. We met quaintly through similar interests, we have similar career paths and overall life goals, similar attitudes about the big things in life, similar tastes in food/books/music, in-jokes etc. We didn't fight, neither over petty nor big things. I can count on my hand the number of times we 'argued' about something, usually if I had been a bit short with her and it hurt her feelings (for which I apologised). Friends and family always put us on a pedestal. We were solid as a rock, and could spend time together and time apart without drama. I'm incredibly laid back and 'genuine', so I am told, so I think I am very easy to get along with, regardless of the person. At the same time, perhaps this was a sign of problems to come. That is, we maybe were too good friends and confidants from the start, and were missing some passion, and that ultimately lead to a waning of desire from her side.

 

Not to blow my own trumpet, but I always felt like she idealised me as a person. She often made me feel like on top of the world by her trust and admiration of me, my personal drive and ambition, my honesty and integrity with dealing with situations, how everyone said good things about me. I'm not perfect, but she often said I was. I say this purely to give you some perspective about how I thought she saw me. She was the first to say "I love you", the first to mention kids and marriage causally. This was her 3rd or 4th relationship, and her second long term relationship. The previous relationship ended amicably and they are still good friends. They just lost the spark for each other at the same time.

 

The one 'issue' we had was I always wanted a better sex life with her. We always held hands, cuddled, kissed but the sex waned over time. She's incredibly beautiful - way out of my league physically - and only really increased in attractiveness to me as we spent time together. Most guys would love to be with her from a shallow point of view. After a honeymoon period of great sex for around 3-6 months, her interest and confidence in sex began to wane. I was the one initiating a lot of the time, and she would begin to refuse sex when she was tired or not in the mood. We'd sometimes arrange to have sex in the evening, and she'd fall asleep! We'd go on holiday and have sex at some point, but probably after a few days of her feeling like we should do it. This was difficult for me at first, and I brought it up seriously maybe 4-5 times throughout our relationship. When we lived together, we had sex maybe once every 2 weeks usually but sometimes it was once every 2 months! Although she initiated sometimes and we had some great passionate moments, I always felt like we had sex when she was in the mood rather than because she was in the mood for me, if you see what I mean. When I brought up the issue, she always vowed to improve things and explained that she takes a lot of warming up when it comes to sex, and that she needed to be reminded/think about sex actively to be in the mood. I took this on board, and didn't pressure her, but I guess fell into a routine of getting rejected and losing some of my own confidence. I took sex when it happened! I know that she had not-so-good early sexual experiences that she told me once, and I took that conversation as a sign that she maybe likes the idea of sex, but had an influence on her sex drive. She'd watch some porn, but never wanted to watch it with me. She hated certain words around sex (e.g. 'grinding'). So, I believed that I was with someone that had an unhealthier relationship to sex than me.

 

Overall, we dated for 1 year, lived together for 2.5 years, then I took a job in another country to further my career for the last 3 years. I was due to move back much closer to her in a few months. She was devastated when I got the job offer; the uncertainty of our relationship and lives was a lot for her to take. She was insecure and worried that I'd just find someone else to run off with (maybe this was a red flag?). I assured her that I wasn't going to do that, that I wanted to spend my life with her. I was true to my word to the day we split up.

 

Our LDR was fine for the first 2 years because flights were easy and we could see each other most weekends. The sex was sometimes better, because I guess she had certain dates to focus on when she knew we would see each other. Again, we had a few conversations about our sex life during this period. We discussed toys, new things, but although she was interested it always seemed to be a conversation for when we were in the moment, and afterwards she wouldn't say much about it. I would sometimes send her messages saying I was horny for her, had a great dream about her, and really wanted her. Sometimes she'd do the same, but never quite reciprocate my messages. Her messages would come when she was in the mood (very rarely), but not in direct response to mine. Anyway, I just assumed she was quite awkward with sex in general and went forward naively. In hindsight, this was probably a huge red flag.

 

The final year before breaking up (a few months before I am due to come back) was much tougher. Airports closed down, flights were sometimes 10x as expensive as they had done. I took it on myself to do the share of the legwork because my salary allowed for it, and hers really didn't. At the same time, she moved to a new city for a new job in a similar field to mine. She struggled at first, and really depended on me, but after a while got new friends, new hobbies and started to love the new city. She was more like a student again, but also had lots of single and 30 friends who were enjoying the thrill of the chase with new loves. I was very happy for her, and also enjoyed spending time in the city and meeting her friends. Again, everyone thought we were a great couple. We did fall into a pattern of me coming over, me doing some work over the weekend, her doing her own thing during the day, and then meeting up in the evening. My work was coming to an end and was insanely busy. She knew this, and knew the pressure I was under. We did do things together, but much less so in the last year. I believed that we were both on the same page, just getting through this final year together and then I'd be back fully.

 

So, fast forward to the last couple of months. She had hosted a musician in her city as a favour to a friend. I knew about this, and was a bit worried at first because I knew the musician guy was probably quite excited to be offered a bed for a night with some hot girl's house. I didn't say anything of course, because I fully trusted her judgement. In reality, they met up, she hosted him, he lay it on thick to her and really liked her, and she had an emotional connection with him. He asked to come back and sleep with her one night, and she refused because she was in a relationship, but in reality she wanted to sleep with him too. He left the next day, going back to another continent.

 

Rather than just leave it at that, though, she struck up conversation online with him again after initially saying goodbye. She admitted that the last few days had been emotionally intensive for her, but unfortunately nothing could happen between them. They maintained contact for a month before I found the messages. I snooped after finding some evidence on her computer that I couldn't ignore. She had talked about him throughout the month once or twice, and I could tell they were friends. I saw that she had been searching things like "What time is it in X?" and using Google Maps to search where he lived. The messages were mostly innocent but he was flirting with her, and she sent her own flirtatious messages back. Nothing sexually explicit, but suggestive. The frequency of their messages increased and she was sending him similar messages to me in the week before I found out. At one point, she was sending him messages at the same time as me. She must have been switching between the messaging apps. She also had been messaging him when sat next to me.

 

She never said anything about me in the messages the whole time, and neither did he. It was like they were pretending they were having a friendly chat, but obviously she was hugely emotionally invested in him and wanting his attention. She even said she was going on a road trip in a few weeks (which was with me), but didn't say anything about going with her boyfriend. I think the messages spiralled out of control for her; she was being immature and let things get too involved.

 

So, I found out when we were together for the weekend. Asked her to come back home, didn't say what for, but she deleted the messages on the way back. I confronted her calmly, asked whether she wanted to be in a relationship with me, and spent the next few hours having a detailed talk about it all. She said she wanted to be in a relationship with me, but had been feeling lonely and like she was drifting apart from me the last few months and wanted the "old me" back. She was going to talk to me after my work was finished to work on things.

 

We then spent the next few weeks talking, maybe 1.5 weeks of that together physically. During this time, I could see that she was becoming more and more confused about her feelings towards the relationship. The connection between us seemed to diminish over night, and her touch was cold. I sensed a real inner turmoil. She said that over the last year she had been losing romantic feelings for me, like we were just friends, that the spark had gone. She had bottled up the feelings without confronting them. I said I can see why she thought that, that LDRs are really difficult, but emphasised that long term relationships take work and we have something incredibly good together. She should have spoken to me earlier. I could she that she was considering this as the end of the relationship, she couldn't bare to think positively. I wanted to try again, to improve things and put the effort and work in. But for that, she'd need to be 100% on board.

 

Eventually, after a number of weeks of her being confused and "needing more time", I broke up with her. Maybe I should have given her more space and time, but I felt like her immaturity at this moment was really disrespectful given she had been emotionally cheating on me, which was going to continue if I hadn't found out. She'd had a few weeks to think things through, and still couldn't come to a decision. She questioned whether the spark could be brought back, that we were just best friends, and that we had drifted apart.

 

After breaking up, she sent an email of pure remorse and dedicating her life to me. The most honest thing I'd heard to be fair. She said she was feeling lonely and undesired with me away, and liked the feeling of the guy being attracted to her. She admitted that this was a big mistake. But she was clear in her mind that she wanted me and no-one else. This wasn't just a short, panicky email of breadcrumbs; it was 5 paragraphs of crafted response dedicating her life to us, acknowledging her immaturity, agreeing that she doesn't deserve me, and prepared to make amends.

 

I took this with a grain of salt, and sent a long email back saying that if this was really true, then we can meet the following week to speak in person. My point was: only come if you want to make amends. So she agreed to meet up, but then proceeded to have reverted back to being confused and needing more time to think. She said that her email had been true at the time but probably more out of desperation at losing the comfort of our relationship than anything else, and if she was really honest with herself, we should remain broken up. She said she was not sure she was physically attracted to me anymore, and even said our sex life was boring and stale. This hurt, considering I was the one being sexually rejected for 6.5 years and the one bringing the subject up.

 

During this final conversation, I also discovered that she had been in contact with the guy again during those last days apart after she sent the email to me. I also learnt that she had physically cheated (some drunken fondling, no sex or prolonged relationship) one night on a previous boyfriend a number of years ago when times got tough and they weren't living together (but were still together).

 

So, we broke up for good and that was the last time I saw her.

 

Summary: I feel like I gave everything to this relationship, and that I'm a real catch. I don't know whether this is a case of GIGS. Maybe that's too much of a reach. We are older than the average GIGS case, and maybe labels are pointless for a case as complex as this. Maybe she did just lose attraction to me, and couldn't bring herself to be honest with me. Meeting the guy and me finding out acted as a catalyst to us breaking up, perhaps. Or maybe if she hadn't met him, we'd have had that conversation she was waiting for and figured things out. It really hurts to feel like my girlfriend was never that attracted to me for a long period of time, when I was hugely attracted to her.

 

Thanks to anyone who got this far, and could provide some perspective. Part of me hope she realises her loss sometime soon, and that she threw something good away in life without really trying to make amends. She never said that she wanted to break up in certain terms. She was constantly confused and "needing more time". I wouldn't be surprised to get an email from her at some point. We will need to see each other at some point to exchange some stuff, although that isn't essential because we could probably work things out with a third party.

 

Thanks!

Edited by IDB_2017
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Cookiesandough

Read the entire thing. What I got from this: She just isn't that into you. No GIGs. She didn't feel enough desire/attraction and probably never did. I am sorry. It sucks but any more thought you put into it is just a waste of time and prolonging your suffering/moving on to find a woman who loves you completely and wants to be with you entirely. You can't make someone feel what they don't.

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I don't think this case is particularly complex at all. She met someone else, got "confused", and pulled right back to the point you had no choice but to dump her. And now she is stringing you along as a backup option while she explores her options with this new guy.

 

GIGS is not a disease or a syndrome at all. It is a label attached when a person fulfils a certain behavioural pattern. That pattern is when they think they will have a better and happier life with someone else than with you. It can be someone that they already know (possibly cheating with, or not), or they don't have anyone in particular in mind, they just think they can find someone better suited.

 

She pulled back from your relationship because she thought she would be better off with someone else. Therefore yes, she fulfilled the behavioural pattern for GIGS. But you're right, labels don't really matter.

 

Exchange your stuff back ASAP. No point dragging it out.

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Read the entire thing. What I got from this: She just isn't that into you. No GIGs. She didn't feel enough desire/attraction and probably never did. I am sorry. It sucks but any more thought you put into it is just a waste of time and prolonging your suffering/moving on to find a woman who loves you completely and wants to be with you entirely. You can't make someone feel what they don't.

 

Thanks, yes I get that feeling too. I thought at first it was something more recent that came over her, and that we could get the attraction and chemistry back. But after thinking about it, I thought she may never have been that interested in me from that point of view.

 

It's crazy to think someone would stay in a relationship that long under those pretences. Maybe she just didn't know it either. :confused:

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I don't think this case is particularly complex at all. She met someone else, got "confused", and pulled right back to the point you had no choice but to dump her. And now she is stringing you along as a backup option while she explores her options with this new guy.

 

GIGS is not a disease or a syndrome at all. It is a label attached when a person fulfils a certain behavioural pattern. That pattern is when they think they will have a better and happier life with someone else than with you. It can be someone that they already know (possibly cheating with, or not), or they don't have anyone in particular in mind, they just think they can find someone better suited.

 

She pulled back from your relationship because she thought she would be better off with someone else. Therefore yes, she fulfilled the behavioural pattern for GIGS. But you're right, labels don't really matter.

 

Exchange your stuff back ASAP. No point dragging it out.

 

Exhanging stuff will have to wait a little, because we are in different countries at the moment. But we can do it through a third party, I guess.

 

I'm not sure if GIGS is even a good label. Maybe she was never that physically attracted to me, and just was in a relationship with me for other reasons, and didn't quite recognise it herself.

 

One part of me really wants to call this out on her. Tell her that I don't think she was ever attracted to me, and that she put me through years of sexual frustration and lies because she couldn't tell the truth. But I'll stick to NC.

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ExpatInItaly
I don't think this case is particularly complex at all. She met someone else, got "confused", and pulled right back to the point you had no choice but to dump her. And now she is stringing you along as a backup option while she explores her options with this new guy.

 

GIGS is not a disease or a syndrome at all. It is a label attached when a person fulfils a certain behavioural pattern. That pattern is when they think they will have a better and happier life with someone else than with you. It can be someone that they already know (possibly cheating with, or not), or they don't have anyone in particular in mind, they just think they can find someone better suited.

 

She pulled back from your relationship because she thought she would be better off with someone else. Therefore yes, she fulfilled the behavioural pattern for GIGS. But you're right, labels don't really matter.

 

Exchange your stuff back ASAP. No point dragging it out.

 

Agreed with the above.

 

Also, if you felt sexually rejected essentially throughout the duration of your relationship, that's a sign that something has never been quite right. Going through ebbs and flows of sexual activity is normal, of course, but if it's virtually always been lacking, I have to wonder how much chemistry you two really ever had.

 

That doesn't mean she didn't love you, but it does sound like it developed into a friendship more than a romantic partnership, and perhaps was always more the former than the latter.

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Agreed with the above.

 

Also, if you felt sexually rejected essentially throughout the duration of your relationship, that's a sign that something has never been quite right. Going through ebbs and flows of sexual activity is normal, of course, but if it's virtually always been lacking, I have to wonder how much chemistry you two really ever had.

 

That doesn't mean she didn't love you, but it does sound like it developed into a friendship more than a romantic partnership, and perhaps was always more the former than the latter.

 

Yes, for her definitely. For me, certainly not. I compromised on my own needs under the belief that she was happy.

 

I forgot to mention that I did bring up the attraction issue around 1.5 years ago. I told her that I didn't feel that attractive to her. She spent the whole day convincing me that she was attracted to me and that we had a great relationship. She was fighting for the relationship that day.

 

Looking back, I think that may have been when her real doubts started. As hard as it is to take, I think she is just very emotionally immature for someone her age.

 

I hope she's happy in the future but wouldn't be surprised if she loses the romantic connection again in the future with someone.

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I don't think it's about GIGS. There other always other things like other guys, friends, family, and it's never 100% sterile. Seems that LDR had a big affect on her feelings, but she may have reached these feelings without the LDR.

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I don't think it's about GIGS. There other always other things like other guys, friends, family, and it's never 100% sterile. Seems that LDR had a big affect on her feelings, but she may have reached these feelings without the LDR.

 

Thanks! I agree about the LDR. She did actually say she would like to work on things at first, and part of that was realising that the LDR may have really contributed to her loss of feelings.

 

But I felt a lot of confusion from her, and a lack of conviction in her actions. That's ultimately why I ended it for both of our sakes.

 

Part of me hopes that we do re-connect at some point, when I'm back in the same country as her. While cheating and emotional infidelity is terrible, everyone situation is different and I don't believe she was out to hurt me or purposively destroy what we had.

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Cookiesandough
Thanks, yes I get that feeling too. I thought at first it was something more recent that came over her, and that we could get the attraction and chemistry back. But after thinking about it, I thought she may never have been that interested in me from that point of view.

 

It's crazy to think someone would stay in a relationship that long under those pretences. Maybe she just didn't know it either. :confused:

 

People do it all the time, sadly. They get swept into relationships of comfort or convenience rather than desire... Then they start to wonder what they have been missing out on but they are comfortable, but also stuck, so it gets dragged out. It's sad and wrong, but happens all the time

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That doesn't mean she didn't love you, but it does sound like it developed into a friendship more than a romantic partnership, and perhaps was always more the former than the latter.

 

Just to pick up on this point.

 

After 6 years with her, I feel like I know her personality. Her previous relationships have either ended because of a lack of romance, or were not sexually very enjoyable.

 

This is why I am having trouble giving up the thought of her, I guess. I believe that it was less to do with our relationship, specifically, but her tendency to lost romantic love over time with people, to fall into friendship (she's an only child and always wanted a brother, so I think she maybe picked partners for that reason first).

 

I think she's abandoned a relationship for the wrong reasons here, and so I hope she is able to reconcile these things in herself.

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ExpatInItaly

Or maybe she is the type who entered relationships for reasons of comfort/security/companionship, and put true sexual chemistry lower on her list of "criteria", so to speak. She might not even realize she does it.

 

Plenty of people love the idea of having a mate, but they aren't necessarily choosing the right ones for them. They are afraid of being alone so they'll partner up with folks they get along really well with - only to realize later that getting along well is important, but not enough. Most of us want and need something more than that to distinguish the partnership from just a good friendship.

 

But coming back to the break-up, wouldn't it be great to find a woman who's equally attracted to you, with whom you don't have to work quite so hard to get intimacy from? I can't imagine the toll that's taken on your self-esteem for the last 6.5 years OP, but I think it's fair to say you deserve more in a relationship too.

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Or maybe she is the type who entered relationships for reasons of comfort/security/companionship, and put true sexual chemistry lower on her list of "criteria", so to speak. She might not even realize she does it.

 

Plenty of people love the idea of having a mate, but they aren't necessarily choosing the right ones for them. They are afraid of being alone so they'll partner up with folks they get along really well with - only to realize later that getting along well is important, but not enough. Most of us want and need something more than that to distinguish the partnership from just a good friendship.

 

But coming back to the break-up, wouldn't it be great to find a woman who's equally attracted to you, with whom you don't have to work quite so hard to get intimacy from? I can't imagine the toll that's taken on your self-esteem for the last 6.5 years OP, but I think it's fair to say you deserve more in a relationship too.

 

Yes, that's true! I certainly do deserve more. While I understand, the thought of meeting new girls is absolutely terrifying to me, and probably will be for some time. It's hard to match my ex-girlfriend in many ways, despite the potential for more physical attraction.

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People do it all the time, sadly. They get swept into relationships of comfort or convenience rather than desire... Then they start to wonder what they have been missing out on but they are comfortable, but also stuck, so it gets dragged out. It's sad and wrong, but happens all the time

 

Her last email to me just after we broke up is confusing in this regard.

 

We'd spent around 1.5 weeks together, talking a lot about our relationship. She was very confused, trying to work through her emotions. She knew rationally that she should fight for the relationship too.

 

Her last email is not something that I'd expect from someone who really had no romantic feelings left. I expected her to be relieved after breaking up - that's kind of why I broke up, because it was best for us - not for her to dedicate her life to me. She literally said she didn't want anyone else, that she wanted us in the future, that she wanted us to lovers and not partners.

 

I don't know, maybe my expectations about what people do at these moments is naive!

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I think once you're ready and meet someone else who is as attracted to you as you are to them, you will realize that you and your ex weren't really the best fit for each other.

 

I went through a slightly similar situation with my ex. He definitely idealized me and I think that kind of ruined the sexual attraction for him in a way because he felt like I was too "superior" to him. We had great sex the first 3 months, decent sex for 2 years and then terrible sex for the last 5. Looking back now, I don't know how I dealt with it. Since we had such a great emotional connection, the same views on just about anything and he was genuinely my best friend, I thought that love could overcome how insecure he made me feel sexually. I went to bed frustrated many times, I know he was attracted to me but he just didn't really want to have sex with me, I always initiated and it just became tiresome. I cried myself to sleep many a night. No one is worth making you feel like this. Sex isn't everything but it is a very important part of a relationship for me and I think many others.

 

I'm sure she loved you and maybe still does but she doesn't want to be with you and she was too scared to break it off because of your history together. I think her emotionally cheating with another guy was a way for her to sabotage your relationship because she couldn't directly confront you about it.

 

You deserve more than her. I understand that you are still in love with her and you can't imagine being with someone else, I went through the same thing. My ex really wasn't typically handsome, very immature and not everyone's cup of tea, but he was perfect to me. I didn't want to look at anyone else for months and I actually went to the bathroom and cried on my first date after him.

 

There are better people out there who will appreciate you, it will take you time to move past this though. Good luck to you!

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I think once you're ready and meet someone else who is as attracted to you as you are to them, you will realize that you and your ex weren't really the best fit for each other.

 

I went through a slightly similar situation with my ex. He definitely idealized me and I think that kind of ruined the sexual attraction for him in a way because he felt like I was too "superior" to him. We had great sex the first 3 months, decent sex for 2 years and then terrible sex for the last 5. Looking back now, I don't know how I dealt with it. Since we had such a great emotional connection, the same views on just about anything and he was genuinely my best friend, I thought that love could overcome how insecure he made me feel sexually. I went to bed frustrated many times, I know he was attracted to me but he just didn't really want to have sex with me, I always initiated and it just became tiresome. I cried myself to sleep many a night. No one is worth making you feel like this. Sex isn't everything but it is a very important part of a relationship for me and I think many others.

 

I'm sure she loved you and maybe still does but she doesn't want to be with you and she was too scared to break it off because of your history together. I think her emotionally cheating with another guy was a way for her to sabotage your relationship because she couldn't directly confront you about it.

 

You deserve more than her. I understand that you are still in love with her and you can't imagine being with someone else, I went through the same thing. My ex really wasn't typically handsome, very immature and not everyone's cup of tea, but he was perfect to me. I didn't want to look at anyone else for months and I actually went to the bathroom and cried on my first date after him.

 

There are better people out there who will appreciate you, it will take you time to move past this though. Good luck to you!

 

Thanks, it really helps to hear similar stories. I think she does still love me, but obviously isn't in love with me. She said she was going to speak to me soon but was adamant that breaking up was the last thing on her mind. But, the whole situation with the other guy probably acted as a catalyst to something that was maybe inevitable in the long run. Who knows.

 

To be honest, if someone asked us 2 years ago that we'd break up for reasons around romantic love, then I'd be the first to put my hand up and say it'll probably be me for the waning sex life. But I moved on from those feelings pretty well, and was very happy the last year or so ironically. When we had sex it seemed pretty good from my point of view, like she was even more into me more recently (much more 'sexy' sex). But maybe that was her overcompensating or trying to re-ignite things without telling me.

 

It's all quite crazy to think about - like a really horrible epiphany - particularly because she was the one to bring up kids, marriage, say "I love you" first to me.

 

Anyway, I've always had people interested in me, I think largely because of my personality. I'll remember this relationship for a long time, and not compromise my needs and desires again.

Edited by IDB_2017
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Sounds like you have placed all the efforts in keeping the relationship together, supported her and was a pillar the whole time. The real question you should ask your self is; was the relationship mutually beneficial. Also it seems like she uses sex as a reward system. Your getting sex every 2 months and she is quick to offer sex or feel sexually attracted to another man. However, we can see she doesn't enjoy sex.. but will use it to acquire the attention of another male. This new guy isn't going to stick around unless he gets the sex, because that what he wants.

 

You say she idealized you as a person, but it seems it is you who placed her on a pedestal. With women it can be difficult for men. If you are self aware, logical, and resolve situations passively she may lose attraction for you. This is why often some women chase bad boys (fixer uppers) (let me introduce you exhibit A the musician who cannot afford a hotel) Which you should have stand your grounds and said NO! Look if you were to process this situation and made it a male situation... its equal to you having a model staying in your house..who laid it on thick. She equally should say it "not gonna happen" specially in your current sexual state.

 

I also think your ex is simply a butterfly chaser and was in this state of mind for awhile.

 

This was her 3rd or 4th relationship, and her second long term relationship. The previous relationship ended amicably and they are still good friends. They just lost the spark for each other at the same time.

 

 

 

 

To be honest you handle the situation very well and mature. She is only pulling the attraction ploy because she is probably in a new town and pulling attractive guys because she is going to places with her friends were dating and hooking up happens (bars and clubs). Its ironic you started the thread with men wanting her under shallow conditions and yet this was the demise of the relationship. She has new girlfriends and you have no idea what is being pumped into her head. You were a pillar and supported her 100% and she cannot offer you this back. She is on a new path way and was living two lives at on time. One life that involved you and one life separated from you getting the best of both worlds. This new life is just more exciting for her and she is conflicted and you simply pulled the plug.

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Sounds like you have placed all the efforts in keeping the relationship together, supported her and was a pillar the whole time. The real question you should ask your self is; was the relationship mutually beneficial. Also it seems like she uses sex as a reward system. Your getting sex every 2 months and she is quick to offer sex or feel sexually attracted to another man. However, we can see she doesn't enjoy sex.. but will use it to acquire the attention of another male. This new guy isn't going to stick around unless he gets the sex, because that what he wants.

 

You say she idealized you as a person, but it seems it is you who placed her on a pedestal. With women it can be difficult for men. If you are self aware, logical, and resolve situations passively she may lose attraction for you. This is why often some women chase bad boys (fixer uppers) (let me introduce you exhibit A the musician who cannot afford a hotel) Which you should have stand your grounds and said NO! Look if you were to process this situation and made it a male situation... its equal to you having a model staying in your house..who laid it on thick. She equally should say it "not gonna happen" specially in your current sexual state.

 

I also think your ex is simply a butterfly chaser and was in this state of mind for awhile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be honest you handle the situation very well and mature. She is only pulling the attraction ploy because she is probably in a new town and pulling attractive guys because she is going to places with her friends were dating and hooking up happens (bars and clubs). Its ironic you started the thread with men wanting her under shallow conditions and yet this was the demise of the relationship. She has new girlfriends and you have no idea what is being pumped into her head. You were a pillar and supported her 100% and she cannot offer you this back. She is on a new path way and was living two lives at on time. One life that involved you and one life separated from you getting the best of both worlds. This new life is just more exciting for her and she is conflicted and you simply pulled the plug.

 

Thanks a lot for this comment! It's really insightful.

 

Some people have told me she has a healthy relationship with sex, it's just that she didn't have any attraction to me in the first place. I struggle to believe that completely. We did have chemistry together at the start, and when we did have sex it was pretty good. She'd be very into me, very passionate, bjs, dirty talk etc. etc. It's just the frequency and times at which it was lacking (e.g. holidays, birthdays, after not seeing each other for a few weeks while LD) spoke volumes to me. She was a lethargic lover, but considered herself someone who enjoyed sex. It's a bit of a weird mix, but I'm not going to psychoanalyse her anymore.

 

 

Maybe I did put her on a pedestal the last few years. I took a job in another country for my career, but that was a big move personally for me. I suddenly went from living with her, in a city, with plenty of cool hobbies and friends...to living in quite a rural area, where I didn't know the language, and struggled making friends. If that 'turned her off', good riddance. I will reap the benefits of these 3 years of hardship in a few months time (already have an amazing job lined up, in fact).

 

The attraction thing is definitely context-dependent I feel. The weeks before I broke up with her, her friend was saying how when they were out together (her friends are single and 30) they'd all pretend they were different nationalities and things. This stung me at the time, and I should have taken her aside and said something. But I didn't. I always value integrity in people, and took great pride in my ex that were solid as a rock. She'd see cheating scenes in movies and actively turn to me and say she was disgusted by it. What did I have to fear? I was completely trusting of her.

 

I think the new life is exciting to her, and I actually noticed it a mile off. But I hoped and looked forward to enjoying that new exciting life with her. Hell, I was going to propose when I got back! I could laugh about it, to be honest.

 

I hope that she wakes up at some point and realises her mistakes in life. That feeling is great motivation.

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Some people have told me she has a healthy relationship with sex, it's just that she didn't have any attraction to me in the first place. I struggle to believe that completely. We did have chemistry together at the start, and when we did have sex it was pretty good. She'd be very into me, very passionate, bjs, dirty talk etc. etc. It's just the frequency and times at which it was lacking (e.g. holidays, birthdays, after not seeing each other for a few weeks while LD) spoke volumes to me. She was a lethargic lover, but considered herself someone who enjoyed sex. It's a bit of a weird mix, but I'm not going to psychoanalyse her anymore.

 

 

You say that she was passionate when you had sex earlier, but then you say that she was a 'lethargic' lover. Which was it? I really believe she lost interest in you physically. I have no reason to believe that you are a catch and likely have your financial and emotional crap together and that comforted her and allowed her the temporary momentum to continue the relationship despite her misgivings regarding her lack of physical attraction. Possible.

 

As for her emails and still loving you and not meaning to break up, well, that is very typical among the ladies, I feel. They become emotionally attached and the idea of breaking up with a person they are familiar with, talked about having a family with, sex, makes their decision to end it very, well, emotionally. Not too deep down, they want to move on, but they have to first break free of the emotional connection and guilt.

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You say that she was passionate when you had sex earlier, but then you say that she was a 'lethargic' lover. Which was it? I really believe she lost interest in you physically. I have no reason to believe that you are a catch and likely have your financial and emotional crap together and that comforted her and allowed her the temporary momentum to continue the relationship despite her misgivings regarding her lack of physical attraction. Possible.

 

As for her emails and still loving you and not meaning to break up, well, that is very typical among the ladies, I feel. They become emotionally attached and the idea of breaking up with a person they are familiar with, talked about having a family with, sex, makes their decision to end it very, well, emotionally. Not too deep down, they want to move on, but they have to first break free of the emotional connection and guilt.

 

Thanks! She was a lethargic lover after the honeymoon period was over, not before. In the first few months, she was very sexually open. But it did begin to change then.

 

I believe she lost interest in me physically too, I just question a) what she expected out of a 6.5 year relationship that had been LD for a number of years, and b) what she ever did to maintain it in the first place.

 

I've seen people lose attraction before, and most of those people have spoken to their partners pretty quickly to attempt to improve things. She never once spoke about sex to me outside of actually having sex in all those years.

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Look if you were to process this situation and made it a male situation... its equal to you having a model staying in your house..who laid it on thick. She equally should say it "not gonna happen" specially in your current sexual state.

 

What's ironic is that she asked for a friend to stay over at my apartment a number of weeks ago when we were still together, and I said no.

 

After thinking about this, it was because I didn't know this friend, and putting my long term partner in a position where I'd be alone with a strange girl for a few days in my apartment deep down felt wrong and awkward.

 

Ironic!

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Thanks! She was a lethargic lover after the honeymoon period was over, not before. In the first few months, she was very sexually open. But it did begin to change then.

 

I believe she lost interest in me physically too, I just question a) what she expected out of a 6.5 year relationship that had been LD for a number of years, and b) what she ever did to maintain it in the first place.

 

I've seen people lose attraction before, and most of those people have spoken to their partners pretty quickly to attempt to improve things. She never once spoke about sex to me outside of actually having sex in all those years.

 

And that in and of itself says a lot. People who are checked in and want to fix a problem speak up. Her seeming indifference to it is very telling.

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And that in and of itself says a lot. People who are checked in and want to fix a problem speak up. Her seeming indifference to it is very telling.

 

Yep, and that's ultimately why I broke up with her. I knew what I wanted, but she didn't seem to. Her conviction with fixing the problem was missing, and that in itself is enough to break up.

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The title is dramatic, but after a lot of input from people on this forum, I'm coming to the realisation that my ex-GF who I broke up with a few weeks ago had probably been more attached to me emotionally than physically for most of the relationship.

 

When we got together, we were doing different things in life, although we did meet as volunteers at a certain charity. I continued education in a similar area to my volunteering opportunity, going on to get a PhD etc., and she actually began following in similar-ish footpaths. I always thought we were a great fit because of this, that we were interested in the same things and could grow together.

 

But now I think back to it, this person had low self-esteem that she grappled with for a while when we first got together. She moved cities to for a new job, and I think became a bit happier in life. Although, she ended up emotionally cheating on me for purposes of self-validation at a rough patch in our LDR, and I broke up with her after she said she was confused about our relationship and wasn't sure if she was physically attracted to me anymore.

 

This was all hard to hear, but the most difficult thing is realising that she was often living her life through mine. I could go through a number of examples where she'd talk about things in public that I had been saying as if they were her own - I often felt like she idealised me.

 

This is a bit of a brain-f*** and is difficult to cope with. I will certainly notice these red flags in the future.

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