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A case of GIGS? Or are labels useless...

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 18th August 2017, 6:05 PM   #31
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 978
Very interesting article.....I agree and relate to alot of it.

A cheater was neglected and emotionally abused in her childhood. The neglect is usually perpetrated by the father, and the emotional abuse is usually perpetrated by the mother. The abuse is very specific: it's attacking the kid when the kid tries to express negative emotions. The neglect is also very specific: it's abandonment.

These circumstances produce a child that feels "wrong" or "bad", with poor self-image. At the same time, because of the emotional abuse, the child learns to deal with his negative emotions by self-censoring / suppressing the thoughts that prompted those emotions (because if he expressed them, he would quickly be punished by his internalized "mother voice" telling her that "saying bad things makes her bad"). In other words -- the child learns to deny himself the opportunity to express his feelings, and eventually denies the reality of his thoughts. This coping mechanism is very effective to sustain the unhealthy relationship with the mother -- let's remember that the kid has no choice but to relate to the mother -- because it prevents disputes and punishments. Note that this thought suppression does not actually suppress the emotions themselves, but it does handicap the ability of the child to be aware of her thoughts and to deal with them rationally.

This is the recipe to get a kid -- and an adult -- who is propense to mood swings, dissatisfaction and unhappiness, but is completely, literally, unable to explain why she experiences these emotions... which, of course, makes dealing with the root causes of her negative emotions very, very difficult. You can see why the expression of these emotions, internal or external, would trigger her coping mechanism, and to "punish" herself with even worse emotions.

After she's engaged another person successfully, their shared activities provide the cheater with the relief she is seeking for (which, believe it or not, is not actually about sex at the beginning, but rather about intimacy that she just cannot have in her relationship as long as her issues persist).*

A complete cure that would actually stop the cheating is this: The cheater needs to heal from the abandonment issues, re-establish a sane and healthy self-image, fully discard the poisonous beliefs she has held for so long, replace them with morally good beliefs, accept her actions, come clean to the people she has betrayed, and truly live with the consequences of what she has done. Then, the cheater needs to replace her bad habits with good ones, and do whatever her partner asks of her, to demonstrate that she is trustworthy.
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