How long does this pain last?

[truvalca]

Hello All,

 

My GF of 15yrs hit me with "I am not in love with you" anymore and up and left me. We have a 7yr old daughter together. She and I are devastated.

 

My ex is 41 i am 38. She had recently become more distant and wanting to go out and party more with her "new" friends (whom I have never met). Come to find out she has been re-connectiong via IG with her Ex-long term BF. Then I find out she's messing around with her cousins cousin (25yrs old) and they now have a full on relationship. It kills me to hear my daughter tell my "Daddy, mommy has a new boyfriend".

 

I can't eat, sleep, think. And she will not leave my mind. It has been close to 6months now. I do not know what to do anymore. I am slowly looking it. My family is over me taking about this situation. I am met with "GET THE F&*$ OVER IT ALREADY".

 

I honestly do not know what I am looking for here. I am very lonely and just need to talk before I loose it.

 

Please Help.

[bummer]

sorry for your loss.

 

6 months is not very long. You have to remember she's been pulling away for years likely and when it ended, she was able to walk free and distract herself with her cousin? Weird.

 

Anyways, look around at other people's posts and you'll find a wealth of helpful insights.

 

There's also a place if you just need to vent all those rhetorical questions you don't necessarily need a reply to, but you wished you could ask your ex, here.

 

Take care to not blame yourself. If you're lonely, distract yourself. Work out, jog, make ships-in-a-bottle, whatever feels fulfilling and takes your mind off of her. Lastly, remember to always be supportive and do what's best for your daughter. The high road feels better.

[frigginlost]

Hello All,

 

My GF of 15yrs hit me with "I am not in love with you" anymore and up and left me. We have a 7yr old daughter together. She and I are devastated.

 

My ex is 41 i am 38. She had recently become more distant and wanting to go out and party more with her "new" friends (whom I have never met). Come to find out she has been re-connectiong via IG with her Ex-long term BF. Then I find out she's messing around with her cousins cousin (25yrs old) and they now have a full on relationship. It kills me to hear my daughter tell my "Daddy, mommy has a new boyfriend".

 

I can't eat, sleep, think. And she will not leave my mind. It has been close to 6months now. I do not know what to do anymore. I am slowly looking it. My family is over me taking about this situation. I am met with "GET THE F&*$ OVER IT ALREADY".

 

I honestly do not know what I am looking for here. I am very lonely and just need to talk before I loose it.

 

Please Help.

 

6 months is nothing after a 15 year relationship. Your feelings are absolutely normal. You're not losing it. You're healing. And it sucks. Bad. It took me roughly 2 years to get over my 18 year marriage falling apart. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It does get better. Do not listen to the "get the f*ck over it already" talk. Until someone is walking in your shoes they don't know what you're feeling.

 

Come here and vent as often as you'd like. We have all been through it.

 

For me, the first year was an absolute beast. I ended up talking with my Doc who gave me some xanax to help when the anxiety hit. It worked like a charm...

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to get the <bleep> over it. Grief is a personal thing that will take you as long as it takes you to get over it.

 

 

Ending a relationship like yours is more akin to a divorce then a break up. This was a very long deep commitment & you have a child to consider.

 

 

First, make sure your rights via your daughter are protected. You want to make sure she's safe & that you can spend time with her or get custody if that is more appropriate.

 

 

Now if your friends are sick of listening come here & post. Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while. Consider talking to your mom or close female relative / friend. You need a listening ear while you process. It's not going to be quick . . .oh it's over, geee, I'm on to the next thing. You need to grieve the death of your relationship while still doing things to bring peace & balance in your life. Another option would be talk therapy. There is no shame in asking for help.

 

 

Hang in there!

[SevenCity]

All good advice. At 6 months after my 7 yr live in gf left I was still crying almost every day. How much you loved her and identified yourself with her will determine how long it takes to get over. No formula, but the deeper you loved her and the more you thought in terms of "us" rather than "me" will take the healing process longer.

 

But let me ask you this - do you feel as horrible as you did the first week or first month? I bet not. You've made progress and will continue to do so until you reach indifference. That is your goal.

 

How to get there? Come to grips that it is over. No maybes or false hope. It's done for good. She moved on and so will you.

 

Then, No contact, no checking up, no Facebook stalking, no asking friends what she is up to. Limit your interactions to factual stuff about the kid and that's it. She is dead to you now so there is no news to learn. Anyhing will hurt you.

 

Date other women. You will be amazed at hoe it will build your confidence to see how you are still attractive as I'm sure you feel worthless now. It will take time to hone your skills and find one you want to make your gf. Start now.

 

In some time you will realize she is just covering the pain being with a guy almost half her age who can never give her daughter anything. You will pity her in time.

 

We've all been through it or going through it. At almost a year post I am worlds better than I was at 6 months. Still sad, but looking forward to indifference and see it as a real possibility; something I could not fathom at 6 months.

[Gaeta]

It will take time and much more than 6 months but it'll get better soon.

 

If you have a hard time functioning at home, at work, with your child, please see your doctor. You may need some temporary anti-depressant depending on how bad it is to go through a day. If you can afford it please find a good therapist to go over this with.

 

Good luck.

[truvalca]

I so wish I could do full NC. Unfortunately we have to message each other when it comes to our daughter. It kills me because I know she has moved on and I have not. So even seeing her name pop up (which I changed to B*&CH by the way) brings everything all back. Yes I know changing her name in my phone to such a deragotory term is childish. But I guess in some way it helps me when I do see it pop up.

 

Thank you for the good advice by the way. As far as dating goes.. I can barely eat and sleep. Let alone try and go out with a woman and be charming.

[d0nnivain]

So what if it's childish. As long as your daughter doesn't see it, you aren't hurting anyone.

 

 

I referred to an EX of mine as D1ckHead until a friend told me that was crass & I should call him Richard Cranium in polite company. Years later that friend met my EX in a professional context & actually said "Oh, you're Richard". The guy's name was John & he didn't get it but I almost spit out my drink.

[truvalca]

Oh I forgot to mention. I am still living in our house that we raised our daughter in. Even more odd she moved into a so called mutual friends guest/pool house (went from a 4 beady with huge yard in gated community to pretty much a closet) that lives less than a mile away. So I have the pleasure seeing her around the hood. And I also hear from my local liquor store guy that he sees her in there and how are things. FML.... LOL

[truvalca]

So what if it's childish. As long as your daughter doesn't see it, you aren't hurting anyone.

 

 

I referred to an EX of mine as D1ckHead until a friend told me that was crass & I should call him Richard Cranium in polite company. Years later that friend met my EX in a professional context & actually said "Oh, you're Richard". The guy's name was John & he didn't get it but I almost spit out my drink.

 

Richard Cranium.... I just spit water all over my monitor.. Thank you. I needed a laugh. They don't come easy these days.

[truvalca]

6 months is nothing after a 15 year relationship. Your feelings are absolutely normal. You're not losing it. You're healing. And it sucks. Bad. It took me roughly 2 years to get over my 18 year marriage falling apart. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It does get better. Do not listen to the "get the f*ck over it already" talk. Until someone is walking in your shoes they don't know what you're feeling.

 

Come here and vent as often as you'd like. We have all been through it.

 

For me, the first year was an absolute beast. I ended up talking with my Doc who gave me some xanax to help when the anxiety hit. It worked like a charm...

 

Does XANAX really help? several family members have been telling me I need mental help and meds. I am not one to take pills for anything. Hell I don't even like taking aspirin. But if it helps with this sorrow I will have to do it.

[d0nnivain]

I have taken Xanax twice in my life: Once to have a medical procedure that I had to be awake for but which was uncomfortable painful and once the day I put my dog down.

 

 

It made me feel nothing . . . it was kind of an out of body experience. I just didn't care. It was like being drunk / fuzzy in my brain but I was more coordinated (or at least I didn't feel like I was drunk walking). For those two acute events I was glad I had the drug but I wouldn't want to walk around like that. I didn't even want a 30 day supply. Each time I literally asked for 1 pill. Apparently the smallest dose I could get was 2 pills. <rolls eyes>

 

 

Whether you should go on anti-depressants is a decision you need to make with your doctor not a bunch of strangers on message board.

 

 

I am glad that I was able to make you laugh with the name I called my EX. Hang in there.

[truvalca]

I have taken Xanax twice in my life: Once to have a medical procedure that I had to be awake for but which was uncomfortable painful and once the day I put my dog down.

 

 

It made me feel nothing . . . it was kind of an out of body experience. I just didn't care. It was like being drunk / fuzzy in my brain but I was more coordinated (or at least I didn't feel like I was drunk walking). For those two acute events I was glad I had the drug but I wouldn't want to walk around like that. I didn't even want a 30 day supply. Each time I literally asked for 1 pill. Apparently the smallest dose I could get was 2 pills. <rolls eyes>

 

 

Whether you should go on anti-depressants is a decision you need to make with your doctor not a bunch of strangers on message board.

 

 

I am glad that I was able to make you laugh with the name I called my EX. Hang in there.

 

Thank You. I am going to go with my instincts and stay off the meds. I have to be able to deal with this on my own accord. Well maybe a few beers and bowls. But thats about it.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not going to tell a heartbroken man not to drown his sorrows but I am going to caution you to be careful. Alcohol is a depressant & it will make you sadder. The Xanax made me feel nothing. It was kind of wild but again not a feeling I would want regularly. Also keep the "bowls" away from your daughter. Legal or not, a little kid doesn't need smoke of any kind in her developing lungs

[truvalca]

I'm not going to tell a heartbroken man not to drown his sorrows but I am going to caution you to be careful. Alcohol is a depressant & it will make you sadder. The Xanax made me feel nothing. It was kind of wild but again not a feeling I would want regularly. Also keep the "bowls" away from your daughter. Legal or not, a little kid doesn't need smoke of any kind in her developing lungs

 

Definitely. Its usually just 1 brew when I get home from work. And the bowls.. Well that takes place far from home on the days I do not have my baby girl.

 

I really appreciate your concern. It means a lot that a complete stranger can have empathy while the woman I loved for 15 years could give a crap about how i am doing these days. Life's a trip QUE NO!!

[Goodguy05]

Hello All,

 

My GF of 15yrs hit me with "I am not in love with you" anymore and up and left me. We have a 7yr old daughter together. She and I are devastated.

 

My ex is 41 i am 38. She had recently become more distant and wanting to go out and party more with her "new" friends (whom I have never met). Come to find out she has been re-connectiong via IG with her Ex-long term BF. Then I find out she's messing around with her cousins cousin (25yrs old) and they now have a full on relationship. It kills me to hear my daughter tell my "Daddy, mommy has a new boyfriend".

 

I can't eat, sleep, think. And she will not leave my mind. It has been close to 6months now. I do not know what to do anymore. I am slowly looking it. My family is over me taking about this situation. I am met with "GET THE F&*$ OVER IT ALREADY".

 

I honestly do not know what I am looking for here. I am very lonely and just need to talk before I loose it.

 

Please Help.

 

 

Just hang in there bro. Things change. For example my ex left we were together 6 yrs we work together it was hell for about 6 mths she started seeing a work colleague and we all work together and I was forced to watch them evolve I was about to leave wen everything changed he left and went overseas to live and work and same as urea she was hanging out wth this new group that drink and party a lot and they're all younger than her I'm 46 she's 45 and there like in there 20s. Now that group are kinda all doing the re e own thing and not around her as much and she left her kids behind interstate. All her choices have now caught up wth her

I saw her jogging on her own the other night and couldn't believe I still felt sorry and care for her after all the pain she put me thru. It was a stark contrast to say just 3 mths ago a lone figure on her own now. The moral here is just hang in there this phase of hers won't last long and hopefully ur strong enough to not take her back hey dude that goes for both of us.

 

6 mths ain't that long it takes me a good 2 to 3 yrs to be healed I never forget but indifference is there now

Edited August 9, 2017 by Goodguy05

[ZayKayWill]

I'm not going to tell a heartbroken man not to drown his sorrows but I am going to caution you to be careful. Alcohol is a depressant & it will make you sadder. The Xanax made me feel nothing. It was kind of wild but again not a feeling I would want regularly. Also keep the "bowls" away from your daughter. Legal or not, a little kid doesn't need smoke of any kind in her developing lungs

 

There seems to be a very common misconception that because alcohol (or any depressant drug for that manner) is a depressant that automatically that means that drinking it will make you depressed and sad. That's not true. That doesn't even make sense. People wouldn't be drinking in the first place if consuming it automatically made you sad. In terms of drug classification, 'depressant' means that the drug depresses your nervous system...depresses it in the sense that your brain just isn't stimulated. Basically you feel more sluggish, tired, and you're not very cognizant or aroused by general stimuli...if that makes sense. So for example Adderall or caffeine...those are stimulants. Taking those drugs wakes you up and makes you more perceptive and aware of your surroundings/environment. Depressant drugs, such as alcohol or benzos (anti anxiety medication) do the opposite of that. Makes it so your nervous system is more relaxed and not thinking about stuff too much.

 

 

In my personal opinion, I would just stick to alcohol and bowls. Nothing wrong with doing things in moderation. I highly advice against going on Xanax or any other kind of benzo/anti anxiety medication for that manner, UNLESS you plan to do it as just a short term thing (maybe a month at max?). I can't tell you the # of horror stories I've heard of people being on benzos for such a long time and having some of the craziest withdrawal symptoms. People have said that benzo withdrawal is worse than heroin withdrawal. When you come off you feel even more anxious than before, feel nauseated and start vomiting a lot, amongst a lot of other symptoms. This doesn't happen to everyone. Some people can take these drugs for years and have absolutely nothing happen to them, but then there are the few who take even very small doses of these drugs for a short period of time and their withdrawal symptoms linger on LONGER than they've even been on the drug. Not to scare you, but I've read a story of a guy who was on Benzos for only 5 years and it took him 12 years to feel 100% again. Again...that's a very very VERY rare instance of that happening to somebody...definitely not the norm, but even hearing stories like that just overall makes me want to stay away from that stuff.

 

 

Oddly enough, though, in terms of withdrawal, alcohol is the most dangerous, even more so than heroin. There are many stories of people dying from alcohol withdrawal, but that's usually only if someone has been a really really heavy drinker for years on end, so if you have a few beers a few days a week you won't have anything to worry about.

 

 

Just for the record, 6 months isn't a long time at all, especially if you were with her for 15 years. Even though I knew my ex for a good 5 years before we officially got together, we were together for only about 9 months. It's been 1.5 years since and I'm just now finally starting to get over it. Recovery time is different for anyone, no matter what anyone says. There is no set mathematical formula for how long each INDIVIDUAL person will get over somebody. Every human being is different. The versatility of human personality is quite astonishing if I must say so, myself.

[HarmonyDriven]

OP,

 

Based on what you have noted, the ex gf definitely earned the title Biotch on your phone. You could even put the poop emoji next to her name too. Hopefully, your daughter does not have access to your phone.

 

Lots of great advice from other posters here. As I was reading your post, I kept thinking mid-life crisis for the ex? Who knows....

 

I know you have LS to vent, but IMO, it might be the right time to seek professional help and possibly legal advice. Good luck~

====

And I might have to use Richard Cranium.....love it!

[truvalca]

So talking on here really helped me yesterday. I actually felt really great last night. For some reason I woke up a lil sad. Not sure why. I really need to stop thinking about her

[truvalca]

OP,

 

Based on what you have noted, the ex gf definitely earned the title Biotch on your phone. You could even put the poop emoji next to her name too. Hopefully, your daughter does not have access to your phone.

 

Lots of great advice from other posters here. As I was reading your post, I kept thinking mid-life crisis for the ex? Who knows....

 

I know you have LS to vent, but IMO, it might be the right time to seek professional help and possibly legal advice. Good luck~

====

And I might have to use Richard Cranium.....love it!

 

You know after a lot of reading and trying to figure out what happened (gain my own closure) all the signs she is exhibiting point to mid life crisis. I ready that MLC can last up to 5 years in women.. What I don't like if it is in fact MLC or what ever it is, it is causing her to be cold to my daughter. She is starting to leave her different places so she can go out and party. That pisses me off to no end.

[truvalca]

Just hang in there bro. Things change. For example my ex left we were together 6 yrs we work together it was hell for about 6 mths she started seeing a work colleague and we all work together and I was forced to watch them evolve I was about to leave wen everything changed he left and went overseas to live and work and same as urea she was hanging out wth this new group that drink and party a lot and they're all younger than her I'm 46 she's 45 and there like in there 20s. Now that group are kinda all doing the re e own thing and not around her as much and she left her kids behind interstate. All her choices have now caught up wth her

I saw her jogging on her own the other night and couldn't believe I still felt sorry and care for her after all the pain she put me thru. It was a stark contrast to say just 3 mths ago a lone figure on her own now. The moral here is just hang in there this phase of hers won't last long and hopefully ur strong enough to not take her back hey dude that goes for both of us.

 

6 mths ain't that long it takes me a good 2 to 3 yrs to be healed I never forget but indifference is there now

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps knowing that there are others out there going through my exact situation. It sucks since I still love her. But that love is slowly starting to turn into loathe. I don't want to hate her. But I don't want to have any feeling for her at the same time. But I know that will never happen. 15 damn years I gave up for this narcissist. Shame on me.

[frigginlost]

Does XANAX really help? several family members have been telling me I need mental help and meds. I am not one to take pills for anything. Hell I don't even like taking aspirin. But if it helps with this sorrow I will have to do it.

 

Each person is different. I had never taken any kind of pill like that in my life, as I prefer to work things out in my head naturally. I was given a 30 day supply and I still think I have some left as I only used them when the anxiety was brutal.

 

They worked perfect for me. No out of body experience, no zombie stare, or anything like that. I functioned perfectly. It just gave me a feeling of "I really don't care" in regards to anything that would normally cause anxiety.

 

Alcohol had the opposite effect. It made me feel extremely depressed so I stayed away from it.

 

Find your comfort zone on what works best for you. Don't let anyone here tell you how you are going to feel or what to do. Take the advice to heart and choose based on whatever makes you feel good.

[HarmonyDriven]

You know after a lot of reading and trying to figure out what happened (gain my own closure) all the signs she is exhibiting point to mid life crisis. I ready that MLC can last up to 5 years in women.. What I don't like if it is in fact MLC or what ever it is, it is causing her to be cold to my daughter. She is starting to leave her different places so she can go out and party. That pisses me off to no end.

 

......It sucks since I still love her. But that love is slowly starting to turn into loathe. I don't want to hate her. But I don't want to have any feeling for her at the same time. But I know that will never happen. 15 damn years I gave up for this narcissist. Shame on me.

Today 7:05 AM

 

 

I feel sad for your daughter. If the ex cannot comprehend how she is having a negative impact on your daughter's life, then seriously you need to think about legal advice. (IMO) This mother seems highly irresponsible.

 

Ultimately, you want to get to a place of indifference. A place where you don't care either way about the ex in a relationship sense. I don't know how your 15 years were spent with this person but I bet there were a lot of good times too. You had a daughter together, that's a positive. I think it is quite all right to acknowledge the good times and keep those as positive memories, those years were not a waste. IMO, no need to hate her. Feel sorry for her....as she is missing out on spending time with her daughter. Feel sorry for her as she doesn't deserve your love anymore. Think of it as HER LOSS.

 

You live and learn, grow and move on. Your relationship ran its course. Fortunately, you have time on your side. Definitely a time to make sure your daughter feels safe, happy, and loved....more than ever.

[truvalca]

I feel sad for your daughter. If the ex cannot comprehend how she is having a negative impact on your daughter's life, then seriously you need to think about legal advice. (IMO) This mother seems highly irresponsible.

 

Ultimately, you want to get to a place of indifference. A place where you don't care either way about the ex in a relationship sense. I don't know how your 15 years were spent with this person but I bet there were a lot of good times too. You had a daughter together, that's a positive. I think it is quite all right to acknowledge the good times and keep those as positive memories, those years were not a waste. IMO, no need to hate her. Feel sorry for her....as she is missing out on spending time with her daughter. Feel sorry for her as she doesn't deserve your love anymore. Think of it as HER LOSS.

 

You live and learn, grow and move on. Your relationship ran its course. Fortunately, you have time on your side. Definitely a time to make sure your daughter feels safe, happy, and loved....more than ever.

 

Thank You. She will be served legal papers on Monday. She's getting very erratic with her behavior. She would rather tell me how things are going to happen when it comes to my daughter rather than discuss things with me. I have had the papers filed for some time now just never had the balls to pull the trigger. Well yesterday that changed real quick.