Feeling Conflicted

[in_patient]

Hi, I really need some (sympathetic) advice...

 

My girlfriend and I (both female) broke up around three weeks ago. We'd been together for two and a half years. After we'd broken up, we were messaging and I asked if we could chat. She said she was heading out, so I then suggested us talking when she got back - she then said she wouldn't be back home until the next day. That made me feel odd, so I asked if she was seeing someone else; she replied 'yes'.

 

I then asked a succession of questions such as "who is it?", "how long have you been seeing them?" - her answers were that it was someone she knew from a long time ago, and they'd started talking 'last week' (so the week after we broke up). It turned out they had gone out for dinner and on to a club and a bar.

 

What followed was me getting quite upset and I told her that she'd broken my heart by getting involved with someone else so soon after - especially when the same thing had happened to me a few years back.

 

OK so, maybe the day after all of this happened we had a conversation on the phone. I asked her whether she liked this person, she said "I like him, but not like THAT" and that the whole thing was "nothing to stress about". Also that she hadn't explained the situation very well, and this person was just a friend from a while ago.

 

She compared it to one of my friends asking me to go for a night out, and would there have been a romantic element to that, I said 'no' and she said "well, there you go, then". After that conversation I felt relieved, but now I'm confused.

 

None of it makes sense, and I am convinced she's seeing someone else, and just lied to get rid of any guilt. We haven't spoken for 8 days, and I want to contact her and let her know that I feel I was lied to, or ask whether I was lied to, or what. I just feel like she didn't tell me the truth, and it's causing me a lot of obsessive thoughts and pain.

 

Can anyone give any insight into this situation? I'm so scared of posting this because I think she is seeing someone else and if other people come in here and think that too, it's going to hurt

[preraph]

Who broke up with who?

[umirano]

Hey, kudos for posting despite your anxiety. Never worry alone is a piece of advice I heard a while ago. I believe it. So don't worry, even if you read things you don't want to read.

 

None of it makes sense, and I am convinced she's seeing someone else, and just lied to get rid of any guilt.

Unfortunately I think that's largely true.

 

We haven't spoken for 8 days, and I want to contact her and let her know that I feel I was lied to, or ask whether I was lied to, or what.

 

Don't do that.

 

I just feel like she didn't tell me the truth, and it's causing me a lot of obsessive thoughts and pain.

Look, people either lie consciously to shift the blame, distract from their own short comings or they say something, anything really, to make the questions stop. A lot of times people lie during break up talks because they don't know what to say. And they don't know what to say because they don't really know themselves, but they feel, unsurprisingly, like they should really have an answer to all the questions of the dumpee. In addition to that they'll say anything that isn't too hurtful and doesn't evoke too much hope in the dumpee. The truth sort of naturally takes a back seat.

 

So, yes, you could go and ask all those questions. However you're likely going to get a bunch of superficial near-truths, guesses, bread crumbs and so forth. No actual information. And it will hurt again. You will also come across as desperate and needy. I suggest you quickly look for something to take your mind of the break up for a while. Ponder it for a few minutes in the evening, e.g. after work, but don't obsess over it. She made her decision. You can't perform an autopsy on the relationship with your ex. You can do it on your own, maybe.

 

Can anyone give any insight into this situation? I'm so scared of posting this because I think she is seeing someone else and if other people come in here and think that too, it's going to hurt

She's spending time with someone she's known for a while. I don't know that she's 'seeing' them, but she's at least getting some distraction from it. For you it's best to go No Contact and work on yourself. Talk to friends, rant, cry, mourn. Then go out. Run, join a club, go to meet ups. Treat yourself well, eat and drink plenty. Spend time with other people.

 

Good luck!

[in_patient]

Who broke up with who?

 

She broke up with me.

[in_patient]

@umirano - I dreaded that sort of reply. In my desperate hope to believe that what she initially said wasn't true, I believed all the things she said in the second conversation - and now I feel really stupid.

 

I feel upset that she seems to have 'gotten away' with this, and that she thinks I think she isn't seeing anyone.

 

She said something like that, too. She said "I'm not SEEING him, I'm just letting my hair down, going out, having fun"

[in_patient]

I know it's a bad idea, and I probably won't do it (due to not wanting to receive the truth or getting into an argument with her) but I just want to say something like "Look, i know you're seeing someone else and I would have just preferred you to be honest with me".

 

After a couple of days of arguing, we had a two hour phone conversation in which all the stuff was said about not seeing him etc, and we agreed to go NC and maybe become friends in the future. While I don't want to end things badly, I feel annoyed now that she's somehow made it a 'nice' ending while she enjoys herself. I could be going through this pain for a while, and she isn't going through anything. I'm so hurt.

[umirano]

I know it sucks being lied to, but it is what it is for now. You can call her out on her lie.

 

Just keep in mind that

 

• you're broken up, she doesn't owe you anything
  
• you will look desperate
  
• she might not like to have to answer to you
  
• she just give you more lies
  

 

You're really hurt right now. I think it'd be better if you focused on yourself for a while.

 

I also have a few things I'd like to tell my ex. After a few months post break up you start to clear away the cobwebs and you start to see through some of the tricks an ex tried to play on you. Of course it would be satisfying to let them know you figured them out.

 

But no one likes to be called out on their BS, usually you get more lies and denial. It's not going to do what you hope it'll do, so just skip it all together and start working on yourself. That's something that you clearly benefit from and that no one can stop you from doing. It's really the best way to preserve and show your self-value. She wants to go, let her go and do your own thing.

 

Believe me, she will go through pain too. Especially when she realizes you successfully picked up the pieces and moved on. That's the most powerful thing you can do right now. Rehashing the RS or the break up with her won't do a thing in that department.

 

Good luck!

[kortz]

I know exactly how you're feeling because I went through very similar things earlier this year. My advice is the same as umirano's in that you should not confront her about any of this. She will not have the answers you're looking for, and even if she talks to you about it it will only cause you to dig deeper and ask more questions she can't answer.

 

My gut feeling is that she is seeing this other person in a romantic way. It totally sucks and feels like crap when you start realizing this but no matter what you say or do it will not change that fact. Whether she lied to you or not does not matter now because what's done is done and you guys are broken up.

 

Whether she started seeing him a week after you broke up or months later doesn't matter, there is no rule for stuff like this and a lot of the time the dumper has someone else lined up either as a rebound or as someone they've identified who meets their needs more than their current relationship. As a dumpee its hard to understand how a dumper can do something like this but you'll drive yourself crazy by trying to dissect it.

 

Unfortunately you're in for a few weeks of pain while things start to unravel and the realization becomes more real, its up to you how much you let that effect you. The best thing you can do is accept that it's over and start the process of moving on by going proper no contact including removing any links on social media. Don't worry about things ending badly or being friends in the future, right now you need to focus on your well being.

[preraph]

She's moved on, and yes, you are left to mourn, but then that is generally how breakups work. Someone gets hurt and has to learn to deal with it.

 

It really doesn't matter who or if she's seeing anyone. She has definitely moved on and you are definitely broken up for good.

 

You can't stay around because if you do, it will just be the pain of watching her move on with her life. There is no reason to stay in contact with her. You will never move on if you don't make yourself stop focusing on her and hoping it's all a big mistake, which it isn't. She's gone. It's over. I'm sorry because I know it hurts. But you have to accept it. And the best move for you is severing all calls, texts and social media on both ends so you can stop thinking about it and not always be reminded and not always be hoping that she posted something and secretly hoping and believing it was directed at you or seeing she isn't seeing someone and hoping that means she'll be back. It doesn't work like that.

 

Whatever happens now, she is moving ahead without you. And as she said, maybe in years when you've both moved on you can be casual friends, but really as long as one is carrying a torch, trying that is usually only going to disrupt any relationships YOU have by then. So do yourself a favor and just cut the ties. Mourn for a while and learn what you can. Don't go looking for "closure," or you'll force her to say something that just hurts you more. There's no closure when one person still has feelings.

 

Stay busy, stay active and exercise to keep the stress from hurting your body and work off that tension, and then go out with friends someplace you will not run into her even if you don't feel like it and don't talk to them about her or let them talk to you about her, and use that time as an escape from thinking about it and a time to make new fun memories and friends.

[blessedby4]

I know if my times of confusion, I could not think straight. I felt petrified as to was to do and paralyzed about doing anything. I learned to call upon God, I still do especially when I have no clue about what’s going on around me. Mother Teresa, the wonderful servant in India, once wrote, “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God.“ Have you called upon God? Call upon Him and trust Him. You will be amazed as what He shows you.