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It takes longer for the dumper to move on


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Do we agree on that? the dumpee may initially face more crushing painl, but equally they will recover quicker and heal quicker

 

the dumper has to wrestle with the decision they made etc

 

how can the dumper help himself move on quicker?

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PegNosePete

No. The dumper is already emotionally disconnected at the time of dumping and therefore it is easier for them to move on.

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I've been the dumper before and let me tell u I felt very guilty. It hurt me but it was much easier for me to get over. Especially with last girl I dumped she never saw it coming we lived together and one day I finally decided to end it cause I just wasn't in love with her anymore.. her and I remain really good friends to this day but that made it a lot easier for me. Where as me bein dumped in my most recent relationship where i was also living with this girl is still heart breaking to me and it's been almost 3 months now. But I guess it always depends on the dumpers reasons

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I think in the long run though the dumper is worse off, as their emotional 'disconnection' may just be them burying their feelings, and therefore never truly moving on or grieving the loss.

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by the way the context of this situation is that both people love each other but the dumper isnt ready to commit and so breaks it off

 

in that situation the dumper maybe be worse off

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I think in the long run though the dumper is worse off, as their emotional 'disconnection' may just be them burying their feelings, and therefore never truly moving on or grieving the loss.

 

Nope, 1996 was the last time I dumped a woman, I was happy to dump her, it wasn't a loss for me and there was no grieving or disconnection involved, through 28+ years of sexual activity with plenty of women which includes two marriages. In my experience great sexual relationships long term and otherwise come pretty easily.

 

Whenever I dumped a woman I would then move onto having sex with another. Just as I did with my 2nd wife today, who I started having sex with about a week after I dumped the last woman I dumped. 21+ years later we're still together sharing lots of sex with no regrets.

 

Incidentally my wife of today dumped the man she was with, after we went out on our first date at her asking. My wife has also dumped a number of other men with no regrets and has thus far never been dumped. While I have been dumped once and have had no regrets dumping other women.

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by the way the context of this situation is that both people love each other but the dumper isnt ready to commit and so breaks it off

 

in that situation the dumper maybe be worse off

 

Don't really agree with this. If the dumper is faced with a decision of committing or not committing, they are going to pick what they feel is best for them which in your scenario is that they didn't want to commit. I'm not sure how them getting to choose whether to stay or go makes them worse off than the dumpee who wanted commitment and got the opposite. There might be some initial guilt from the dumper and they may feel bad for hurting their partner but I can't see how they would be worse off...if its sooo bad why wouldn't they commit?

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PegNosePete
I think in the long run though the dumper is worse off, as their emotional 'disconnection' may just be them burying their feelings, and therefore never truly moving on or grieving the loss.

It may, in some situations, but it's much more common that the dumper has lost feelings and doesn't want to be in the relationship any longer.

 

by the way the context of this situation is that both people love each other but the dumper isnt ready to commit and so breaks it off

See, that's the problem with making this kind of thread. You ask a very generic question, and get very generic answers, based on what is most common.

 

Then a few posts later you say that you're actually asking about a very specific situation......

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Don't really agree with this. If the dumper is faced with a decision of committing or not committing, they are going to pick what they feel is best for them which in your scenario is that they didn't want to commit. I'm not sure how them getting to choose whether to stay or go makes them worse off than the dumpee who wanted commitment and got the opposite. There might be some initial guilt from the dumper and they may feel bad for hurting their partner but I can't see how they would be worse off...if its sooo bad why wouldn't they commit?

 

any tips on dealing with:

 

1. wrestling with the decision

2. Dealing with guilt

 

? cheers

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any tips on dealing with:

 

1. wrestling with the decision

2. Dealing with guilt

 

? cheers

 

You match those feelings off against the fact that you know you made the right decision.

 

But if you don't feel you made the right decision, then I'd say that therapy regarding self sabotage is in order.

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I definitely feel like I made the wrong decision and regret it everyday since. Suicide thoughts come pretty easily these days. Since I've come to terms with my feelings, tried to reconcile and found out she's with another, more handsome and bigger guy and wants nothing to do with me I literally dream about her with him everyday and then don't sleep. I might actually do it, I don't think it's worth it to hang around. The thought of one day dying was actually the only solice I could get even before I met her. Now, it's like the only thing I'm looking forward to.

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I definitely feel like I made the wrong decision and regret it everyday since. Suicide thoughts come pretty easily these days. Since I've come to terms with my feelings, tried to reconcile and found out she's with another, more handsome and bigger guy and wants nothing to do with me I literally dream about her with him everyday and then don't sleep. I might actually do it, I don't think it's worth it to hang around. The thought of one day dying was actually the only solice I could get even before I met her. Now, it's like the only thing I'm looking forward to.

 

When you meet someone new you will forget about it!

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ExpatInItaly

On the occasions I have dumped a man, it was because I really didn't want to be with him anymore. I wasn't "burying" my feelings or not grieving the loss. I was very ready to end things, and had taken time to really evaluate my feelings and decision. Moving on afterwards was thus not that difficult, sorry to say.

 

So, no, I don't agree that the dumper has a harder time moving on. It's usually quite the opposite. I agree that there are of course exceptions to this, though that has never been my personal experience.

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any tips on dealing with:

 

1. wrestling with the decision

2. Dealing with guilt

 

? cheers

 

If you're questioning the decision why did you make it in the first place? You really need to do some deep thinking and decide what it is you want, that's the only way to get over wrestling with the decision, and even then it might be too late now. If you do think you made the wrong decision, be absolutely 100% sure of what you want before attempting to go back because if you're not and you get back together, then break up again in a few months its worse. Also be prepared for the dumpee to say no. If you are still unsure then that's probably and indication that you're not ready to commit in which case ending things was the right thing to do for both of you and in time you will feel better about making that decision.

 

What do you feel guilt about, is it for hurting someone you care for? If that's the case then you just need to tell yourself that time heals and the other person will be ok eventually. Break ups are a part of life and if you feel you made the best decision then the best thing you can do is respect that the other person is hurting now and leave them alone...do not check up on them or try to comfort them to relieve your own guilt. They need time and space.

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  • 1 month later...
TwinFlameGone
No. The dumper is already emotionally disconnected at the time of dumping and therefore it is easier for them to move on.

 

I agree with this. I got dumped by ex-gf in 6 year relationship. She crushed me; broke my heart in two pieces. It was the most hurtful pain ever. It took two years to get over it. I don't know if she experienced any immediate pain from her decision at all. I was more or less in her way of what she saw as happiness. We didn't speak for several years afterwards. When we finally did we were over it and now we're friends. She's interested in starting again, but I could never take her seriously based on how things ended.

 

I technically broke-up with my latest GF. Though I was mainly looking for her to explain the situation that took place and even open to forgiving her. She opted to keep in line with the break-up. In my opinion this made her the "dumper". As the feeling of being left for dead still lingers, I can't but think on how she showed NO EMOTION whatsoever. The "dumper" doesn't have consideration for you. They are looking at greener pastures.

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On the occasions I have dumped a man, it was because I really didn't want to be with him anymore. I wasn't "burying" my feelings or not grieving the loss.

 

Just curious... what were the reasons you dumped these people?

 

These dumper questions (or points) are too broad! There are different types of dumpers.. and it also depends on the dumpee.

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You also forget that when people dump someone they usually have someone else lined up.

 

Statistics on this?

 

I know I've never dumped one person for another.

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All you have do is read peoples post. Most people have in mind someone else when their old relationships are ending.

From personal stats I would guess well over half easily.

The only regrets I've ever seen dumpers have is when their plan doesn't workout with the new SO and they start doubting rather they should have stayed with the old SO.

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I haven't spoken with my ex (she was the dumper) for 6 months, full solid NC. I noticed recently that going thru my pictures, the ones she posted and I was tagged are not there anymore, so either she deleted them or she has disabled her account (I didn't search for her so I can't tell).

 

This made me think that either she is still trying to move on (most likely, I was her first love afteral) meaning that she still hurt and trying to heal or maybe she has met someone else and don't want to hurt me or just want that person to know. Anyways, It made me think for a bit about the fact that maybe she still suffering and may have thoughts about how she handled the whole situation of the break up (she already apologized to me once as I acceded to see her once after she broke up with me).

 

Maybe we like to think that the dumper may take longer to move on and heal, I don't really have a clear answer to a general question. Each case is very different, but I would say that mostly depends on the circumstances. Then you can get an idea if the dumper will take longer to move on (i.e. if they decided to rebound, I believe dumpers can rebound too, and it doesn't go well I'm sure they dumper will still had issues regarding the break up).

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