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A last chance to salvage respect..


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Growing_Changing

First and foremost, thanks to anyone reading.. I've been on this site for about a month now, reading other threads in search of answers on how to deal with my breakup. I'd like to explain my situation because I have no where else to turn..

 

This is my first time posting, I'm a 25 year old male out of a 2 year relationship.

I have a job that has me working 12 to 14 hours daily...The break up bomb all happened the final days of June, a little over a month. We had talked about getting married, having children, she seemed so solid on the idea of it all. The break happened over the course of 4 days, We lived together..

 

**The Break**

The break up wasn't clean, I begged, I lost so much ground and respect over the 4 days, she would say things like,"You're pushing me further away".."Think of it as a break", I ended up listening and leaving her be. 3 days pass and I was watching her social media at a far.. I ended up seeing pictures of her and a crew of new friends on the 4th (guys included). I felt my heart sink.. knowing she could be out having the best time while I hadn't consumed food in a week.. I wrote her a final text outlining, "I agree with everything you said, I promise it won't happen again, i'd like no contact with you in the coming months, or ever. This is final, best of luck with everything." I then proceeded to commence with no contact, I blocked her on all fronts. I had taken the advice from my dad..

 

**The Apology**

After that hard month I freaked out and broke, I couldn't imagine my life without talking to her again.. So I sent, "I regret being so harsh, I hope you're doing well if you ever want to chat let me know!"... She responds three days later, I call, She accepted, the conversation went south quick, she was livid I had sent that previous text. I talked her down and told her I was just happy to hear my friend. I asked if she'd want to go to lunch, she was silent so I said,"no worries, no rush"..We had a productive 35 minute conversation about how she made the right decision that ended with me saying I had to go. She cried and said a lot of "I loved' you" and "you 'were' the first love of my life" At the end of the conversation she said maybe we could do lunch next week..

 

**The Confession**

Two days later I realized I wasn't okay with all of it.. I broke down and called her, I vented about how I still love her.. She didn't reciprocate anything. I got mad, told her I was going on a date.. regret it all. Long story short, the hour long conversation didn't do anything besides drop my respect even lower on her scale.. I asked her if she still loved me.. She said she did not. I asked all the questions I should have left to silence. Half way through the conversation it got oddly sexual and she was debating me coming over to have sex. Then it just went back to being bad, she said things like, "if it helps to hate me or date someone new, you should". She doesn't care anymore and it completely destroys me inside..

 

**The issue now**

I've been concentrating on work, I workout everyday, I'm really trying at being better for myself..

She has texted me yesterday about picking up my last things this week..I told her I was "busy" but I can come by Saturday at 10am. She said that was fine, it was so casual..I hate how we can't talk like we used to.. now I don't know how to compose myself, she'll probably just leave my things outside..... At this point I just want to go over there tonight, tell her to leave my things outside, and leave..But I still wish to see her.. My mind and heart want two separate things.

 

.... I lost all respect, I have no idea how to salvage anything, how do I gain some sort of ground?.. Is there anyway to have her look back at the relationship in a positive light? Do I even have a chance for her to miss me ever? I feel so lost, I love her so much and it deeply depresses me knowing she'll never see me the way she did for two years... I'm tired of acting okay to her face but I know if I don't she'll never see me in a good light.

Thanks again, any help on any topic would be greatly appreciated, I'm lonely and messed up inside..

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frigginlost

First off, cut yourself a break. Most of us have done or did the exact same things you have when we were your age. Don't beat yourself up too much.

 

Now comes the hard part:

 

The only way you will gain any kind of foothold or build respect is to vanish. Completely. Time has a way of forgetting the past. I know you have tried to go no contact, and have failed a time or two, and we all have but what we all learned is that no matter how painful it is to ride the roller coaster you have to do it.

 

I'm not one of those hardcore NC types around here, but in your case it has to be done to give you some self respect back.

 

The break up was extremely fast. What's the backstory to give us a little more to work with?

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We've all been there. Trust me when I tell you the following :

You have to disappear from her life. And you have to block her from yours as well. Every time yo beg her you push her further away and you just confirm to her she made the right decision.

I know your hurt and lost. It sucks no two ways about it. But your going to have to right yourself. And the only way to do that is to cut all ties with her. If your stuff is that important LEAVE IT at her house.

And after that do not talk to her in any way. For ANYTHING.

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Growing_Changing

frigginlost and Been, thank you so much..

 

you all are right.. I'm ready to go completely No contact. I sent her a text today about Saturday but I'm starting to think I should just never show and never reply.. I'm just going to leave my winter clothes and art supplies... She won't consider that extremely rude over time? I said I'd come at 10am on Saturday..

People say blocking the number is the only way.. Should I block her number?

 

As for back story.. We met in the party scene, drugs, alcohol in Georgia. After 6 months I grew tired of it and wanted to have a clean relationship. She agreed but continued to do drugs, it scared me so much. One night it got really bad and I asked her to never do it again or I wouldn't be able to stick around any longer. We moved to Florida within two months. No drugs, we cleansed everything, we even quit cigarettes. We had been through jealousy issues and trust issues due to her doing this before..We lived in Florida and she ended things after a year in, sent me back to Georgia without a word or conversation. I went back to Georgia and started fresh and promised the world to her. We made up, and she moved back to Georgia, I got a huge job, she transferred. Things were good, for months and months. She would even tell other people how much things have fixed since the situation in Florida. She did everything around the house while I was lazy after getting home, one of my biggest regrets. She would tell me to leave the laundry because she liked doing it.. Most importantly it was the blowups that stemmed from jealousy and I would be sad when she'd show no emotion when I was barely able to catch my breath from crying.. I really regret crying.. I wish I hadn't of shown so much weakness...

 

One thing thats huge, She has a friend I truly disliked because she slammed my best friend's head into a wall for no reason besides being drunk. I was honest with my ex that I didn't like her and I'm sure it eventually got back to her from my ex. I in no means want to be back with my ex as of now, but I for sure want to know I made the right decision in case our feelings mend over years... I know she loved me.. She told me how much she wanted to be with me forever just a week before it all happened. Now its completely hollow and I pray the soul of our relationship is positive, floating somewhere for the future..

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Now is that a logical person-tellin you that they want to be with you forever and then ending it next week? Shes hot and cold and there wasn't ever going to be any stability in your relationship.

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Make sure you don't waste this experience. Learn from it and be better in the future.

 

You now know several things diminish relationships. Weakness, in general. Being inconsiderate around the house.

 

Grow from this. Be strong. Aware. Considerate. Conscientious. Let this be a launching pad to takes you to you next level of development. Where more lessons await.

 

Always learn. Always grow. Always improve.

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I don't think you've done anything wrong, just acted in a way that most people would when going through the shock of an unwanted break-up. Best thing to do now is no contact. She won't value you as long as she thinks you are hanging around trying to make it better.

 

It sounds like there were issues beforehand. You don't mention who suffered from jealousy but if it was you, you obviously did not feel very secure in this relationship anyway.

 

All that aside, it is a painful situation and you need to view the relationship as over. There is little point meeting her; it will only hurt you. Learn what you can from what happened. You sound a good guy who will find someone better once you are over this woman.

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Growing_Changing

Thank you for helping Been, MidKnightDreams, and Spiderowl I really appreciate the words.

 

All this advice is exactly what I needed. I went and picked my things up last night, I told her to set them outside.. She texted me afterwards and I didn't reply. She said,"Know you're always in my heart"... I think its unfair to say this after telling me she no longer loves me.. It hurt but it also kind of helps me accept I won't be speaking to her again.

 

I'm going to change for the best after these comments, its time to acknowledge my mistakes and shortcomings.. Even if she won't..

The next relationship is going to be different in the best ways because of all this. Thanks again everyone.

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frigginlost
Thank you for helping Been, MidKnightDreams, and Spiderowl I really appreciate the words.

 

All this advice is exactly what I needed. I went and picked my things up last night, I told her to set them outside.. She texted me afterwards and I didn't reply. She said,"Know you're always in my heart"... I think its unfair to say this after telling me she no longer loves me.. It hurt but it also kind of helps me accept I won't be speaking to her again.

 

I'm going to change for the best after these comments, its time to acknowledge my mistakes and shortcomings.. Even if she won't..

The next relationship is going to be different in the best ways because of all this. Thanks again everyone.

 

Good move. Congratulations, you just took some power back and earned a little respect from her.

 

I'm not gonna lie, things are going to get very, very, hard for you. You have broken NC with her in the past and she is fully aware of that. She will expect you to contact her. The only way that you will gain a foothold of control and force her to respect you is to stay silent. It is going to go against every fiber of your being to stay quiet, but you have to.

 

No, she is not going to forget about you. In fact, the more you stay silent and the more you move forward, the more she is going to wonder where her emotional play toy went. You will continue to become stronger and one day you're going to think "who cares" and right about that time, she is going to reach out...

 

If she does before that time, come to these boards and start asking questions because it's going to screw with your head. As time passes, only the good times you guys had are going to fill your head (and her's) and that is when big mistakes are made.

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They will reach out at some point and let me be the first to tell you:don't do it. They will resort back to the same behaviour at some point.

I learned a long time ago to judge someone by their actions not what they say.

Anyone can tell you the greatest things but do they back it up?

I will tell you a story so you don't go backwards.

I got back with an ex after she promised everything. Things would be different. She NOW knows how much I meant to her during are time apart. So I went against my gut and took her back.

And the whole time I could feel her lying. It lasted about 2 months before she started the hot and cold. Only difference this time was I didn't wait for her to drop me-i left. But it was a complete waste of time. DONT be that person.

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Growing_Changing

Frigginlost

Thank you, that comment is really going to resonate with me.

I have no desire to speak with her.. I am worried for hard times but I'm feeling more ready after failing the first NC time. Does No contact mean no contact forever, or until i'm completely over her? I can tell i'm ready because when I see a picture of her I host negative feelings, naturally...I'm really thankful I found this community, SO much love. I will be around here for support and I hope once i've healed, I can help, like you all helped me.

 

Been

Thank you, I wont be taking her back.. This whole thing has been the worst emotional trust draining situation.. I want to grow old with someone patient and considerate. I want to do the same for that person. I can see that with your situation how exhausting that would be.. I'm sorry brother, good job on being the bigger one to split the second time.

 

How do you all get notified after a post? Can you tag people that replied? Does it notify you?

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frigginlost

Frigginlost

Thank you, that comment is really going to resonate with me.

I have no desire to speak with her.. I am worried for hard times but I'm feeling more ready after failing the first NC time. Does No contact mean no contact forever, or until i'm completely over her? I can tell i'm ready because when I see a picture of her I host negative feelings, naturally...I'm really thankful I found this community, SO much love. I will be around here for support and I hope once i've healed, I can help, like you all helped me.

 

Been

Thank you, I wont be taking her back.. This whole thing has been the worst emotional trust draining situation.. I want to grow old with someone patient and considerate. I want to do the same for that person. I can see that with your situation how exhausting that would be.. I'm sorry brother, good job on being the bigger one to split the second time.

 

How do you all get notified after a post? Can you tag people that replied? Does it notify you?

 

The hard times will hit, and when they hit, they hit hard. The thing you must remember is that no matter how hard they hit, you must stay silent. Silence is your best friend right now. It's the only way you can re-build your self esteem and regain respect.

 

No, NC is not necessarily forever. It is used to get you to a point of indifference. It is only at that point that it is wise to talk with an ex. But, usually by then you have no wants at all to even say hello. What you need to keep in mind is that most (not all) of the time, breakups work opposite in healing. While you are doing all the broken hearted legwork and feeling the pain right now, it will not hit her until 6 months or a year from now. In her mind she knows you're at her finger tips. Just a quick text away. When she realizes that that short distance is no longer there, that is when they reach out. But, by then the dumpee does not really give two craps about it...

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Growing_Changing

Thanks for breaking it down for me, it makes sense. One thing, what if she calls or texts way before a 6 month period? what if next week she says some lame line about missing me... I know no contact applies, but I know she'll eventually get extremely mad I never replied after she says sorry or something and choose to hate me instead of looking in on herself.. I guess thats part of it? or is it?

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She's done and I'm sure it's been hard for her having to be so blunt with you over and over to get you to move on, but then she probably knew that about you before the breakup. You can't DO anything to salvage anything at this point because she's as done as a person can be. You need to not do anything. Have her set your stuff out or mail it to you or have someone else go pick it up. I'm certain she doesn't want to have to deal with you coming to get it.

 

Then with any luck, years from now she will be able to at least appreciate the good times when she looks back on it, as we tend to gloss over a lot of the bad.

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Growing_Changing

Thanks for your insight Preraph, as much as it hurts so deeply to hear. I previously wrote above that I had told her to leave the things outside, I went over and got my things quickly. We didn't see each other, she texted me and I left it be.. While all of that is true, it still hurts so much that I didn't see a problem the entire time.. I'm angry, sad, confused. I just miss her.

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First of all, as another member mentioned; don't beat yourself up too much. We've all been there.

 

I am your age and have had a similar experience years ago where I begged, cried, kept calling over and over again and also contradicting myself over and over again (e.g. 'i'll leave you alone' and then texting her the same night again). I can very much relate with you. But the funny thing is, I talked to the same girl about a year later (I was about 22 I think) and she told me that because of my needy behavior I blew my chances. When I went NC after about 3 months of non stop texting and calling (when she never even once, and I mean not even once responded) she texted me about 6 months after going NC. But I really, really blew it. Eventually that relationship didn't work out, but not because of her; because I didn't want it anymore. What I'm trying to say is this: I can relate and I can honestly tell you that NC is the best thing a person in your situation can do. It's sacred in my eyes.

 

Again the only thing you can do now, and nothing else, is to cut your losses and move on. Disappear completely. What helped me a lot was watching youtube videos of this guy called 'coach corey wayne'. Through his videos I basically learnt that the only way to re-attract is to disappear. You're shooting yourself in your own foot. Just stop contacting her completely.

 

My advice is (I'm also going through a break up but doing pretty good a week in) again :go completely NC. Do not look at her picture, on social media, call, text or anything. Don't even tell her that you are going NC because it's more interesting for her if you disappear out of nowhere. In her eyes you will change from a needy person to a mysterious man.

 

If possible: leave social media completely. Do this for 30 days. I promise you, after 30 days all this pain will be significantly less. That is what you should aim for. This will only benefit you. You will grow and she might in the meantime even wonder where you are and what you are doing. And if she doesn't: still after 30 days I promise you'll feel a whole lot stronger. It is a win-win situation my friend.

 

Don't even text her anymore. If you go by to pick your stuff up just act like you're all good, even if your not. This will only help you in the long run. Go there with a big fat confident smirk, take your things and leave as soon as possible. Play it cool. And I would really, really urge you to watch the videos I mentioned, because I did the same things you did and it didn't ever work. It really was torture begging and texting and contradicting myself. I learnt a lot because of his videos (never read his book though). You are very young my friend, it will all be ok in the end. I promise.

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Growing_Changing

Michael, thanks for the words. It does help knowing you're the same age as me going through similar struggles. I have been watching Corey Wayne, he's so great, been such a great mentor from a far.

 

I did go pick up my things, I told her to set them out, I went over and grabbed them before she even knew I came.. She sent me a text that said to let her know once I had come by.. I didn't respond, she sent a text later on saying, "You know you're always in my heart, right?". I didn't respond.

 

In regards to the social media stuff, a month back, when everything went down, I deleted her as a friend on facebook, instagram and snapchat. I deleted my profile photo that had us both in it. I completely fell off besides some instagram panic posts that I posted because I was trying to cope with the initial month no contact period.. I haven't even updated my profile picture. I still have some of her friends on facebook and I've made a mistake here and there by looking to see if she has liked her friends posts. She had. I work in a field where I'm trying to gain steam on social medias, but I still want to hold that mysteriousness.. Does the illusion break if she even sees a new photo of me?

Either way, I am 100% in a strict NC for as long as long goes.

 

I hope you see this, How are you holding up man?

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Thanks for your insight Preraph, as much as it hurts so deeply to hear. I previously wrote above that I had told her to leave the things outside, I went over and got my things quickly. We didn't see each other, she texted me and I left it be.. While all of that is true, it still hurts so much that I didn't see a problem the entire time.. I'm angry, sad, confused. I just miss her.

 

Glad you got your stuff. Now go lick your wounds. I don't know whether she failed to bring up her feelings or issues or if it wasn't so much anything that could be fixed as she just decided you were not the one, so there was no reason to harangue you about it. Or if she did bring up issues and you brushed them off. But you'll have time to think about all this in retrospect and see if it's anything you can tweak in the future. And there will be a future, so just stay calm and get exercise and don't wait too long before going out and making yourself have fun doing things. Good luck.

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Growing_Changing

I have an Update

 

She messaged me last night,

 

She said,



"I hope you don't hate me. I really wish this could end on a decent note knowing how great and how much we loved each other. I wasn't sure if I heard you last night when you got your stuff. But I don't want you thinking of me and our relationship in an awful way when it was one of the best parts of my life."

 

I haven't replied.. It hurts and I feel her on this, but it doesn't excuse how she handled it all and expected me to just understand after all the things she told me over two years.. I just want to leave it be.. Shes only reaching out because I'm actually not responding. It sucks. I need to wait until i'm over it all before I reach out.

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I haven't replied.. It hurts and I feel her on this, but it doesn't excuse how she handled it all and expected me to just understand after all the things she told me over two years.. I just want to leave it be.. Shes only reaching out because I'm actually not responding. It sucks. I need to wait until i'm over it all before I reach out.

 

Good for you, and well done!

 

Your healing takes priority right now.

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I have an Update

 

She messaged me last night,

 

She said,



"I hope you don't hate me. I really wish this could end on a decent note knowing how great and how much we loved each other. I wasn't sure if I heard you last night when you got your stuff. But I don't want you thinking of me and our relationship in an awful way when it was one of the best parts of my life."

 

I haven't replied.. It hurts and I feel her on this, but it doesn't excuse how she handled it all and expected me to just understand after all the things she told me over two years.. I just want to leave it be.. Shes only reaching out because I'm actually not responding. It sucks. I need to wait until i'm over it all before I reach out.

 

 

Well done! Congrats, you just took a little more control back and forced another thought of respect from her.

 

She's reaching out because guilt is eating her alive. Sadly, it's normal it seems these days. Take solace in knowing that she is thinking about you, and you're forcing her to gain respect for you. All done by you just remaining quiet...

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Growing_Changing

Hey everyone, not sure if anyone will see this but it helps to voice it!

I have stuck to my no contact the last week, its sometimes hard but its getting easier.

She continues to contact me though. First she sent a long message through text basically outlining how she didn't want me to hate her and that the relationship was filled with great love...A week earlier she told me she no longer loved me and "if it helps to hate me, you can."

 

Last night at 12am she sent me a text about a couple things I have no interest in going to get. A sony usb cord and a couple art supplies.. I didn't reply. about ten minutes later she sent me a couple messages on instagram, I saw it through a preview but never clicked the message so she wont see I read it..

 

I'm just having trouble getting over her, I want it to pass and no contact will assure this.. I just wanna ask, when will she grow silent? I'm just wanting the phase where she becomes very mad at me to be over with, its inevitable that shes going to hate me eventually, I just want it to be over with. I hope no contact does good for both of us.. I can tell she's struggling now and it hurts.

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It's time to completely block her so you won't receive her texts. Block her on your phone and block her on Instagram.

 

This is for you and your healing. Instead of asking when will she stop reaching out, take back your control and ask why you are enabling her to contact you.

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Hey everyone, not sure if anyone will see this but it helps to voice it!

I have stuck to my no contact the last week, its sometimes hard but its getting easier.

She continues to contact me though. First she sent a long message through text basically outlining how she didn't want me to hate her and that the relationship was filled with great love...A week earlier she told me she no longer loved me and "if it helps to hate me, you can."

 

Last night at 12am she sent me a text about a couple things I have no interest in going to get. A sony usb cord and a couple art supplies.. I didn't reply. about ten minutes later she sent me a couple messages on instagram, I saw it through a preview but never clicked the message so she wont see I read it..

 

I'm just having trouble getting over her, I want it to pass and no contact will assure this.. I just wanna ask, when will she grow silent? I'm just wanting the phase where she becomes very mad at me to be over with, its inevitable that shes going to hate me eventually, I just want it to be over with. I hope no contact does good for both of us.. I can tell she's struggling now and it hurts.

 

Okay, first step, breathe. I know it hurts like hell, but you are winning this "battle" bigtime.

 

She is never going to hate you, so get that out of your mind. Now go back and read some of your earlier posts in the thread. You wanted to know how you could get back some control. Guess what? By just remaining silent you have forced her hand. You now control everything and as each passing day goes you are forcing respect right down her throat. GREAT JOB!!

 

Eventually she will quiet down, by I doubt she will ever go 100% away. You have shown her just how strong a person you can be when your back is against a wall, and she had no clue you could be like that. The begging, pleading, meek guy, has turned into a full blown man right before her eyes and all you had to do was stay quiet...

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