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A last chance to salvage respect..


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 9th August 2017, 3:38 PM   #16
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Thanks for your insight Preraph, as much as it hurts so deeply to hear. I previously wrote above that I had told her to leave the things outside, I went over and got my things quickly. We didn't see each other, she texted me and I left it be.. While all of that is true, it still hurts so much that I didn't see a problem the entire time.. I'm angry, sad, confused. I just miss her.
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Old 9th August 2017, 3:55 PM   #17
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First of all, as another member mentioned; don't beat yourself up too much. We've all been there.

I am your age and have had a similar experience years ago where I begged, cried, kept calling over and over again and also contradicting myself over and over again (e.g. 'i'll leave you alone' and then texting her the same night again). I can very much relate with you. But the funny thing is, I talked to the same girl about a year later (I was about 22 I think) and she told me that because of my needy behavior I blew my chances. When I went NC after about 3 months of non stop texting and calling (when she never even once, and I mean not even once responded) she texted me about 6 months after going NC. But I really, really blew it. Eventually that relationship didn't work out, but not because of her; because I didn't want it anymore. What I'm trying to say is this: I can relate and I can honestly tell you that NC is the best thing a person in your situation can do. It's sacred in my eyes.

Again the only thing you can do now, and nothing else, is to cut your losses and move on. Disappear completely. What helped me a lot was watching youtube videos of this guy called 'coach corey wayne'. Through his videos I basically learnt that the only way to re-attract is to disappear. You're shooting yourself in your own foot. Just stop contacting her completely.

My advice is (I'm also going through a break up but doing pretty good a week in) again :go completely NC. Do not look at her picture, on social media, call, text or anything. Don't even tell her that you are going NC because it's more interesting for her if you disappear out of nowhere. In her eyes you will change from a needy person to a mysterious man.

If possible: leave social media completely. Do this for 30 days. I promise you, after 30 days all this pain will be significantly less. That is what you should aim for. This will only benefit you. You will grow and she might in the meantime even wonder where you are and what you are doing. And if she doesn't: still after 30 days I promise you'll feel a whole lot stronger. It is a win-win situation my friend.

Don't even text her anymore. If you go by to pick your stuff up just act like you're all good, even if your not. This will only help you in the long run. Go there with a big fat confident smirk, take your things and leave as soon as possible. Play it cool. And I would really, really urge you to watch the videos I mentioned, because I did the same things you did and it didn't ever work. It really was torture begging and texting and contradicting myself. I learnt a lot because of his videos (never read his book though). You are very young my friend, it will all be ok in the end. I promise.
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Old 9th August 2017, 5:04 PM   #18
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Michael, thanks for the words. It does help knowing you're the same age as me going through similar struggles. I have been watching Corey Wayne, he's so great, been such a great mentor from a far.

I did go pick up my things, I told her to set them out, I went over and grabbed them before she even knew I came.. She sent me a text that said to let her know once I had come by.. I didn't respond, she sent a text later on saying, "You know you're always in my heart, right?". I didn't respond.

In regards to the social media stuff, a month back, when everything went down, I deleted her as a friend on facebook, instagram and snapchat. I deleted my profile photo that had us both in it. I completely fell off besides some instagram panic posts that I posted because I was trying to cope with the initial month no contact period.. I haven't even updated my profile picture. I still have some of her friends on facebook and I've made a mistake here and there by looking to see if she has liked her friends posts. She had. I work in a field where I'm trying to gain steam on social medias, but I still want to hold that mysteriousness.. Does the illusion break if she even sees a new photo of me?
Either way, I am 100% in a strict NC for as long as long goes.

I hope you see this, How are you holding up man?
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Old 9th August 2017, 6:04 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Growing_Changing View Post
Thanks for your insight Preraph, as much as it hurts so deeply to hear. I previously wrote above that I had told her to leave the things outside, I went over and got my things quickly. We didn't see each other, she texted me and I left it be.. While all of that is true, it still hurts so much that I didn't see a problem the entire time.. I'm angry, sad, confused. I just miss her.
Glad you got your stuff. Now go lick your wounds. I don't know whether she failed to bring up her feelings or issues or if it wasn't so much anything that could be fixed as she just decided you were not the one, so there was no reason to harangue you about it. Or if she did bring up issues and you brushed them off. But you'll have time to think about all this in retrospect and see if it's anything you can tweak in the future. And there will be a future, so just stay calm and get exercise and don't wait too long before going out and making yourself have fun doing things. Good luck.
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Old 10th August 2017, 8:06 AM   #20
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I have an Update

She messaged me last night,

She said,

"I hope you don't hate me. I really wish this could end on a decent note knowing how great and how much we loved each other. I wasn't sure if I heard you last night when you got your stuff. But I don't want you thinking of me and our relationship in an awful way when it was one of the best parts of my life."

I haven't replied.. It hurts and I feel her on this, but it doesn't excuse how she handled it all and expected me to just understand after all the things she told me over two years.. I just want to leave it be.. Shes only reaching out because I'm actually not responding. It sucks. I need to wait until i'm over it all before I reach out.
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Old 10th August 2017, 8:18 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Growing_Changing View Post
I haven't replied.. It hurts and I feel her on this, but it doesn't excuse how she handled it all and expected me to just understand after all the things she told me over two years.. I just want to leave it be.. Shes only reaching out because I'm actually not responding. It sucks. I need to wait until i'm over it all before I reach out.
Good for you, and well done!

Your healing takes priority right now.
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Old 10th August 2017, 10:16 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Growing_Changing View Post
I have an Update

She messaged me last night,

She said,

"I hope you don't hate me. I really wish this could end on a decent note knowing how great and how much we loved each other. I wasn't sure if I heard you last night when you got your stuff. But I don't want you thinking of me and our relationship in an awful way when it was one of the best parts of my life."

I haven't replied.. It hurts and I feel her on this, but it doesn't excuse how she handled it all and expected me to just understand after all the things she told me over two years.. I just want to leave it be.. Shes only reaching out because I'm actually not responding. It sucks. I need to wait until i'm over it all before I reach out.

Well done! Congrats, you just took a little more control back and forced another thought of respect from her.

She's reaching out because guilt is eating her alive. Sadly, it's normal it seems these days. Take solace in knowing that she is thinking about you, and you're forcing her to gain respect for you. All done by you just remaining quiet...
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Old 14th August 2017, 10:58 AM   #23
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Hey everyone, not sure if anyone will see this but it helps to voice it!
I have stuck to my no contact the last week, its sometimes hard but its getting easier.
She continues to contact me though. First she sent a long message through text basically outlining how she didn't want me to hate her and that the relationship was filled with great love...A week earlier she told me she no longer loved me and "if it helps to hate me, you can."

Last night at 12am she sent me a text about a couple things I have no interest in going to get. A sony usb cord and a couple art supplies.. I didn't reply. about ten minutes later she sent me a couple messages on instagram, I saw it through a preview but never clicked the message so she wont see I read it..

I'm just having trouble getting over her, I want it to pass and no contact will assure this.. I just wanna ask, when will she grow silent? I'm just wanting the phase where she becomes very mad at me to be over with, its inevitable that shes going to hate me eventually, I just want it to be over with. I hope no contact does good for both of us.. I can tell she's struggling now and it hurts.

Last edited by Growing_Changing; 14th August 2017 at 11:01 AM..
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Old 14th August 2017, 11:05 AM   #24
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It's time to completely block her so you won't receive her texts. Block her on your phone and block her on Instagram.

This is for you and your healing. Instead of asking when will she stop reaching out, take back your control and ask why you are enabling her to contact you.
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Old 14th August 2017, 11:18 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Growing_Changing View Post
Hey everyone, not sure if anyone will see this but it helps to voice it!
I have stuck to my no contact the last week, its sometimes hard but its getting easier.
She continues to contact me though. First she sent a long message through text basically outlining how she didn't want me to hate her and that the relationship was filled with great love...A week earlier she told me she no longer loved me and "if it helps to hate me, you can."

Last night at 12am she sent me a text about a couple things I have no interest in going to get. A sony usb cord and a couple art supplies.. I didn't reply. about ten minutes later she sent me a couple messages on instagram, I saw it through a preview but never clicked the message so she wont see I read it..

I'm just having trouble getting over her, I want it to pass and no contact will assure this.. I just wanna ask, when will she grow silent? I'm just wanting the phase where she becomes very mad at me to be over with, its inevitable that shes going to hate me eventually, I just want it to be over with. I hope no contact does good for both of us.. I can tell she's struggling now and it hurts.
Okay, first step, breathe. I know it hurts like hell, but you are winning this "battle" bigtime.

She is never going to hate you, so get that out of your mind. Now go back and read some of your earlier posts in the thread. You wanted to know how you could get back some control. Guess what? By just remaining silent you have forced her hand. You now control everything and as each passing day goes you are forcing respect right down her throat. GREAT JOB!!

Eventually she will quiet down, by I doubt she will ever go 100% away. You have shown her just how strong a person you can be when your back is against a wall, and she had no clue you could be like that. The begging, pleading, meek guy, has turned into a full blown man right before her eyes and all you had to do was stay quiet...
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Old 14th August 2017, 12:36 PM   #26
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Thanks you both, I'd rather not block her only because it feels so dramatic, I'd rather not have her block just in case of a true emergency.. In a way it makes me feel better, more importantly I think it shows my respect towards myself. I don't want to run from it, I just want to heal and know I did it without blocking or being mean. But thank you

Frigginlost, I feel that completely and thank you so much, you feel like a coach, i've been in a place where I need some sort of one and one advice.. I really hope with time she'll understand why I went quiet, once i'm over it all.. I have no idea how long that could take. Last thing, how long does no contact last? how will I know? Will it be up to me to say something months or years from now?

Last edited by Growing_Changing; 14th August 2017 at 12:40 PM..
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Old 14th August 2017, 12:52 PM   #27
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No contact lasts until you have healed and are indifferent towards her. It could take months, years...or forever. It depends on your healing and YOU control that.

Okay, so what will happen should she reach out in an "emergency"? What kind of emergency would warrant her reaching out to you? Does she not have other friends and family to lean on? Wouldn't that throw you right back at square one again?

What's more dramatic is having your emotions fluctuate like a roller coaster every time she makes contact with you.
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Old 17th August 2017, 11:53 AM   #28
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Hello, Frigginlost, Been, 1fish2fish and everyone that have helped so much recently,
I have to admit, the last couple days have been challenging mentally, going on a trip with some friends soon, to a city we both had memories in. I'm staying No contact no matter what, but sometimes it really does hit me that we wont talk again in the same way.. I know she wouldn't have anything to say that i'd particularly like to hear if I did break no contact, i'd just start over with more heart break..

I gained some respect but sometimes wonder what the chances are that she'll ever think twice about the decision she made.. Or if she'll ever realize maybe she does love me. I'm still upset she said she doesn't love me, she told me to hate her... I still feel like she loves me deep down. The text she sent me, because she felt guilty, I hope no contact works miracles everyone. I'm sick of feeling up and down. Just needed to vent, thanks.
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Old 17th August 2017, 12:31 PM   #29
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I suggest blocking her for a while. Doesn't mean you have to forever, just until you're less emotional and in a better place to think logically and less with the heart. What's going to happen when you notice she is not texting you any more? You'll get anxious and may do something that will set you back. Take control now and block her contact for a few months. Just give it a little more time. It feels a lot better when you're in control.
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Old 17th August 2017, 1:02 PM   #30
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I'm so sorry you're hurting. Even though you're going to a place where you guys have memories, going with friends will hopefully replace them with new ones. Be in the moment, and enjoy being with your friends.

Dwelling on what she's thinking and what she may or not feel about you isn't helping you heal. We all do it, and it does nothing but shift our focus from how WE feel and what WE think, which is really all that matters. So it's time for some mental discipline. That mind-body connection is true - what we think affects how we feel.

Whenever you find yourself thinking about her, force yourself to think about something else. Decide ahead of time what that something else is going to be so it can be automatic. There were days where I must have forced myself to do this hundreds of times in a 12 hour period. But just like anything else you exercise, you will get stronger and you'll be able to control your thoughts better and start to feel better.

You'll still have down days - healing isn't linear and emotions are like a roller coaster. But when you wake up depressed, remind yourself you've gotten through it before and it will pass.

Try and enjoy your trip!!
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