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My boyfriend left me because he found out I dated a black guy in the past


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girlfromeurope

I've been dating the man of my dreams for almost a year now. I am completely in love in him to the point that I want nothing more then to be his wife, have his children and spend my entire life with him. We grew up together

and were best friends growing up. My family moved to another state but we continued long distance friendship as often as we could. Finally, after five years, we reconciled and our friendship turned into relationship. That made me the happiest girl in the world.

 

He, in my eyes, is perfect. Spiritually and physically.

 

He is fearless, intelligent and has great sense of humour. He never tells jokes, he has natural wit and uses situation to make funny remarks. The thing that stands out the most, especially in today's world, is how unselfish he is and how much he is willing to sacrifice himself for other people. He once asked his boss to lower his salary so they could keep single father of four who was about to get fired. And nobody knew it because he didn't want to say anything. His coworkers accidentally found out what he did two years after.He also saved a girl who was being raped by two guys. He beat the living **** out of them before they were able to do it. The girl said to police officers that at least couple of men passed by even though she was screaming and begging for help. But not him. Knowing him, he was ready to die there and then to protect her. Another thing I adore about him is how he threats me in public or in front of his friends, how he openly shows how much he loves me and how protective he is of me. One time one of his best friends made not so funny comment about me and he made him apologize there and then. I could see in the eyes of his friend's girlfriend how much she envy me to have such a boyfriend. Once we witnessed break up of the couple in the restaurant because he cheated on her. On the way home he stopped the car, took my hand and looked me in the eyes. He told me that he would never do something like that to me. I smiled because I knew what kind of man he is and that what he said was true.

 

He is unbelievably handsome, he looks a lot like Oasis singer in Stop Crying Your Heart Out music video (great hair). He's 24 years old, 6 feet 2 and 200 pounds, athletic build with godlike shoulders (former D1 water polo player, tried out for Navy Seals - completed 18 weeks of training, had to drop out off final 6 weeks because off injury).

 

Six months ago we got ourselves our first apartment and started living together. Everything was working out perfectly. Until last week.

 

He went out with his buddies and it was starting to get late. I called him and there was no reply. He always replayed to wish me good night if he was staying late. I called him again past midnight and started to get worried. I stayed up all night scared that something happened to him. He finally got home in six in the morning. I wasn't mad at all just relieved and immediately went to hug him. He evade me and looked at me like a was some stranger. I asked him what was going on and this is how conversation went.

 

ME: what is going on, where have you been all night?

HIM: prison

ME: what? why? are you ok? what happened?

HIM: beat the living **** out of some guy.

ME: why? what did he do to you, did he attack you?

HIM: don't know maybe you can tell me.

ME: what do you mean I don't understand anything you are saying, why are you acting like this.

HIM: he said something.

ME: what did he say!?

HIM: that my girlfriend was ****ing some n-word in college.

 

I'll never forget the look in his eyes after he said it, he looked at me like I betrayed him. He expected me to deny it but I could see that he thought it was true. And it was true. I dated a black guy two whole years before we even started dating. He was a nice guy and we dated couple of months and that was it. So what. I couldn't understand what was bothering him because I did nothing wrong and yet he looked at me like I cheated on him. I told him I love only him, and want only him and dream only him and all those thing are completely true. But the way he continued to look at me, I couldn't stand it and started to cry. This was the first time he made me cry and I could see that it immediately soften that cold look he was giving me. He told me that he doesn't want me to cry because of him. I told him to hug me and everything would be ok.

 

He said that he can't do that and walked right past me.

 

I lost it and went after him. Asked him why does it bother him so much, does dating a black guy makes me somebody else and not girl he loves. He wasn't turning back. That made me say something stupid. Asked him what is he insecure about when he has huge penis (8 inches long and 6 inches thick, I personally measured it before we had sex for the second time. I've never had less then couple orgasms when we make love.) and the black guy had only average one. Telling your boyfriend about other men's penis is, literally, last thing he wants to hear.

 

He turned around and slowly approached me. And then told me he's disgusted with me. I was about to slap him. But then I looked in his eyes and noticed how hurt he was. I still can't understand it but I could see that it broke his heart. We looked each other for a moment. I didn't say anything and neither did he. He turned around and slammed the door behind him. I took my purse and went to my parents place. Cried on my mother's shoulder for hours. I stayed the night and went to our apartment the next morning.

 

First thing I saw was empty Jack Daniels bottle on the floor. Entire place stank of booze. He was up and sitting at the table, hangover, and smoke cigarettes. He never smoke. I told him I like what he done with the place but he wasn't amused. I asked him if we can talk and I was fully aware the venom that was about to come my way.

 

Talk about what, he said. Talk about that I had no respect for my ancestry and heritage, for the things that make me who I am and how I look. Talk about that I obviously have no problem with considering giving birth to a child that looks nothing like me.

 

I stopped him before he could continue with all things wrong with me and gathered all my courage and asked him if he wants to break up with me.

 

He paused and said that he wants me to go out for a cup of coffee and return after he cleans the place up. He told me that whatever happens, he wants me to stay in the apartment because he bought it for me and our family. The way he said "our family" broke my heart. I sounded like something that will never happen. He told me he doesn't want me to cry because of him, that he's an ******* and not worthy of my tears. He then repeated his request and asked me to give him an hour to clean the place up. I told him I hope that he'll be here when I got back.

 

He wasn't. Apartment was as good as new. He left a note saying that no matter if we end up together for the rest of our lives or not, like we both thought we would, that he will love me as long as he lives and will never have another women in his life.

 

More crying.

 

And week later here I am posting this badly written diary entry on this forum. I don't know where he is and he didn't text me back. I've spend entire week trying to find out why does it bother him so much that I've been with a black guy even though we weren't dating at the time.

 

This is what I find out surfing the internet. There are two reasons why white men don't date white women who dated black men.

 

1. They feel like penis size thing is real (which in my case proved completely false and by the way I didn't find single study or research that would support such claim)

2. They feel that women who do it are "tainted" and lost their worth (guess we have a winner)

 

The man I love obviously sees me as "tainted" or lesser version of the one he thought I was. I must admit it was a huge hit for me. I love him unconditionally. I try to be a good person. I'm a college graduate. I have a pretty face, I'm 5 feet 6 and 120 pounds with 36DD-24-36 (all natural by the way) frame. Yet, in his eyes, because I've been with a black guy, all that isn't good enough anymore.

 

I do not know what do to. I don't even know why I wrote all this. I don't know what answers I want from all of you or want anything at all.

 

All I know is, I want him back. I honestly say that I might commit suicide if we won't get back together.

 

Thanks for reading anyway.

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You recognize that this man of your dreams is a violent bigot & then you pick up the pieces of your life without him.

 

He'll never get past this. You can't spend the rest of your life apologizing for you who dated in college.

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RecentChange

 

Talk about what, he said. Talk about that I had no respect for my ancestry and heritage, for the things that make me who I am and how I look. Talk about that I obviously have no problem with considering giving birth to a child that looks nothing like me.

 

I am sorry you feel in love with a racist.

 

You said you have known him and his family for a long time. Are they racists? If is such a good guy.... Would he be open to learning more and getting rid of his bigotry?

 

Would you want this man to father your children and teach them the same hateful things?

 

For as good as he sounds, he sure does harbor some hate in his heart.

 

(And the Oasis guy is hot? Guess there is someone for everyone)

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My SO is a black man.

If anyone thinks less of me for being with him because of the colour of his skin, they can go f**k themselves.

 

Your wonderful boyfriend is in fact a raging racist bigot. Do not ever consider hurting or harming yourself over his archaic opinions and attitude.

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Your perfect man is a racist bully. I knew people like him when I lived in a tiny town. They never change.

 

I know it hurts...a lot. But he doesn't deserve you (or anyone, actually).

 

I'm hurt and disgusted for you.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
My SO is a black man.

If anyone thinks less of me for being with him because of the colour of his skin, they can go f**k themselves.

 

Your wonderful boyfriend is in fact a raging racist bigot. Do not ever consider hurting or harming yourself over his archaic opinions and attitude.

 

I still remember my mom saying several years ago, about a white friend of mine I was talking about who was either dating or married to a black man (I honestly can't remember which friend I was talking about at the time since I know more than a few couples like this), "wow, she must have very low self esteem." The context in which this was said was directly referencing the fact that she was white and in love with a man who is black.

 

Yes, I let my own mother have it. However, she's still racist. (Insists she isn't)

 

OP, I have only one mother, but you are young and have plenty of other non-bigoted fish in the sea. Toss this one back.

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littleblackheart

He spent the night in prison for GBH - besides the racism, I would be super concerned about his temper in the first instance.

 

He said the 'n' word, which obviously isn't great, but unless he gave you any indication in all the times he was with you that he was racist (and if you've been dating for a year and living together for a bit, you would know), maybe he was more affected by the fact that he was confronted with your sexual past?

Some guys can get very insecure, almost territorial about that sort of things, especially when they are drunk.

 

Reading your post, it sounds like he was more angry at himself than he was at you.

 

Have you ever discussed your exes before? Did you know he held racist views?

Edited by littleblackheart
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Sorry that you are going through this...

 

That said, it sounds like your boyfriend is far from perfect. In fact, he sounds (drumroll please) incredibly racist. And you are catering way too much to this guy being angry over something that had nothing to do with him. What does it matter what color the guy was?? Your guy is insecure and that's why he is upset. It would be the equivalent of you being upset because you found out he dated a woman with blonde hair before you (except that would be crazy, whereas he's just a racist).

 

Maybe he should even take that AncestryDNA kit to see how "pure" white he actually is. Also, just in case you didn't get it...he's a racist.

 

Sidenote: Good thing he didn't make it in the military. I wonder what he'd say to/about a fellow black officer or one that was higher in rank than him?

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kiss_andmakeup

His views are repulsive. I understand that the end to a relationship is always painful, but unless you are also a racist (and it sounds like you're not), you dodged a bullet. Better that you found out now about his awful, hateful views - rather than 5 or 10 years down the line when your son or daughter brings over a black friend from school. People like him do not need to be raising children.

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girlfromeurope

Thank you so much for all the comments. But you are wrong about him being racist, he has many black friends. The single father of four I mentioned, the one he gave up his salary for, is black. I think there is a difference between wanting to wear white hood, burn crosses and harm black guys and having second thoughts about interracial relationships.

 

And as I said I don't know why did it hurt him so bad. But I did.

 

About penis insecurities you mention. For the love of Jesus Christ, it took us half an hour to fit his dick inside of me the first time we had sex, and two months of intense practice to push that thing all the way in. He is HUGE and at first it hurt more than it felt good but with time it became amazing.

 

His character, his looks, his height, his build, his career and his dick, you'd believe there is no man in this world he would feel threatened by.

 

I do not know what to do. My whole life is ruined. And I feel guilty staying in the apartment he bought. And I'm scared for him. What if he's drinking himself to death? His parents haven't seen him in two days. He's best friend knows something but hides it from me. What's worst one of my girlfriends is already preparing to make a move on him (even though nobody knows where he is!?).

 

I will be completely honest with you. I've already decided that I will overdose on sleeping pills if I decide to kill myself. Those are the thoughts going thru my head right now.

 

:(

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littleblackheart
Thank you so much for all the comments. But you are wrong about him being racist, he has many black friends. The single father of four I mentioned, the one he gave up his salary for, is black. I think there is a difference between wanting to wear white hood, burn crosses and harm black guys and having second thoughts about interracial relationships.

 

And as I said I don't know why did it hurt him so bad. But I did.

 

About penis insecurities you mention. For the love of Jesus Christ, it took us half an hour to fit his dick inside of me the first time we had sex, and two months of intense practice to push that thing all the way in. He is HUGE and at first it hurt more than it felt good but with time it became amazing.

 

His character, his looks, his height, his build, his career and his dick, you'd believe there is no man in this world he would feel threatened by.

 

I do not know what to do. My whole life is ruined. And I feel guilty staying in the apartment he bought. And I'm scared for him. What if he's drinking himself to death? His parents haven't seen him in two days. He's best friend knows something but hides it from me. What's worst one of my girlfriends is already preparing to make a move on him (even though nobody knows where he is!?).

 

I will be completely honest with you. I've already decided that I will overdose on sleeping pills if I decide to kill myself. Those are the thoughts going thru my head right now.

 

:(

 

If I read you post right (and I think I did), he did you a favour by leaving. He has serious anger issues - spending the night in prison for physically hurting someone is not normal, OP, and it seems like he knows it. Atm, he is a danger to himself and to others.

 

Let him get better, seek therapy or take anger management classes. You will be okay in time.

 

In the meantime, big hugs and please don't do anything silly.

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Thank you so much for all the comments. But you are wrong about him being racist, he has many black friends. The single father of four I mentioned, the one he gave up his salary for, is black. I think there is a difference between wanting to wear white hood, burn crosses and harm black guys and having second thoughts about interracial relationships.

 

And as I said I don't know why did it hurt him so bad. But I did.

 

About penis insecurities you mention. For the love of Jesus Christ, it took us half an hour to fit his dick inside of me the first time we had sex, and two months of intense practice to push that thing all the way in. He is HUGE and at first it hurt more than it felt good but with time it became amazing.

 

His character, his looks, his height, his build, his career and his dick, you'd believe there is no man in this world he would feel threatened by.

 

I do not know what to do. My whole life is ruined. And I feel guilty staying in the apartment he bought. And I'm scared for him. What if he's drinking himself to death? His parents haven't seen him in two days. He's best friend knows something but hides it from me. What's worst one of my girlfriends is already preparing to make a move on him (even though nobody knows where he is!?).

 

I will be completely honest with you. I've already decided that I will overdose on sleeping pills if I decide to kill myself. Those are the thoughts going thru my head right now.

 

:(

 

 

Get some professional help ASAP. Call Crisis Hotline if you need to. This whole thing is crazy enough as it is. He literally is leaving you for your past black boyfriend yet he's NOT a racist? Lmfao I can't...

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girlfromeurope

I have just received second "concerned" text from the second girl I never text to. Wants to know if everything is alright between me and my (ex)boyfriend. Why don't they just kill me and free the path to him :(

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kiss_andmakeup
Thank you so much for all the comments. But you are wrong about him being racist, he has many black friends. The single father of four I mentioned, the one he gave up his salary for, is black. I think there is a difference between wanting to wear white hood, burn crosses and harm black guys and having second thoughts about interracial relationships.

 

And as I said I don't know why did it hurt him so bad. But I did.

 

About penis insecurities you mention. For the love of Jesus Christ, it took us half an hour to fit his dick inside of me the first time we had sex, and two months of intense practice to push that thing all the way in. He is HUGE and at first it hurt more than it felt good but with time it became amazing.

 

His character, his looks, his height, his build, his career and his dick, you'd believe there is no man in this world he would feel threatened by.

 

I do not know what to do. My whole life is ruined. And I feel guilty staying in the apartment he bought. And I'm scared for him. What if he's drinking himself to death? His parents haven't seen him in two days. He's best friend knows something but hides it from me. What's worst one of my girlfriends is already preparing to make a move on him (even though nobody knows where he is!?).

 

I will be completely honest with you. I've already decided that I will overdose on sleeping pills if I decide to kill myself. Those are the thoughts going thru my head right now.

 

:(

 

Wow. Just, wow.

 

Him having black friends doesn't make him *not* racist. I can guarantee that if he showed those friends his true colors (or even just relay the highlights of the conversation you've posted here), they would no longer be his friends. Just because he's not in the KKK doesn't mean his views are even remotely defensible.

 

Regardless of the specifics, actively planning suicide because of the demise of a one year relationships is indicative of a serious mental health problem. Please get the help you need, whether from a loved one or a therapist. This man is most certainly not worth ending your life over. No man is.

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RecentChange
I will be completely honest with you. I've already decided that I will overdose on sleeping pills if I decide to kill myself. Those are the thoughts going thru my head right now.

 

HONEY!!!! You are a young woman with your entire life ahead of you, family and friends that love you! PLEASE do not be so foolish as to entertain such thoughts over a MAN. NEVER

 

Call a crisis line of you need to, you are very obviously not thinking clearly right now. Call your mom, call a friend, call SOMEONE and they will tell you how foolish this is.

 

HE IS A GROWN MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS. YOU DID NOT CAUSE ANY OF THIS. HIS IRRATIONAL RACIST BELIEFS DID.

 

Please do not punish yourself because HE has major PROBLEMS.

 

Thank you so much for all the comments. But you are wrong about him being racist, he has many black friends. The single father of four I mentioned, the one he gave up his salary for, is black. I think there is a difference between wanting to wear white hood, burn crosses and harm black guys and having second thoughts about interracial relationships.

:(

 

Any one who is so enraged, "disgusted" by you, enough to ruin his life and yours over the fact you had an African American boyfriend goes a little deeper than "second thoughts about interracial dating" don't ya think?

 

Nothing about his behavior is rational. I am appalled that there are people that still think this way in this day and age.

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Well, that really sucks. Number one, he has retroactive jealousy. No matter who a guy said you had sex with, he'd have been irrationally jealous. And yes, a good bit probably is because he likes to believe he alone has the biggest penis you've ever seen and falsely believes that this feature is his job security, so to speak.

 

But then he also expressed an unhealthy amount of just downright bigotry, and he's skewering you for putting yourself in a position to have a kid not your own color. You need to turn it back around on him and ask why you'd want to have a kid with someone who was a racial bigot to the point he'd beat up a guy for mentioning who you dated in college.

 

He sounds a little quick on the violence trigger to me. You shouldn't let him steamroll you on this. You need to tell him you find this attitude reprehensible on so many levels. It's bad because it's none of his business who you have been with before him and him being jealous about it shows some serious insecurity on his part -- and he's turning that on you and making it your fault and your problem when that underlying insecurity is HIS problem and he needs to deal with it.

 

it's bad because he beat some guy up and it's bad because he is downgrading you for dating outside your race. You should tell him to go talk to a counselor or something. Do not let him make you feel bad. This is all on him.

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Wow. Just, wow.

 

Him having black friends doesn't make him *not* racist. I can guarantee that if he showed those friends his true colors (or even just relay the highlights of the conversation you've posted here), they would no longer be his friends. Just because he's not in the KKK doesn't mean his views are even remotely defensible.

 

Regardless of the specifics, actively planning suicide because of the demise of a one year relationships is indicative of a serious mental health problem. Please get the help you need, whether from a loved one or a therapist. This man is most certainly not worth ending your life over. No man is.

 

Yknow oddly enough I used to be great friends with a guy who had a swaztika tattooed over his crotch area. He had his prejudices I guess towards more lower class black people but he literally treated me like a brother. Sucks he's in prison now (for something he didn't even do sadly).

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littleblackheart

I missed the part about the kids and heritage. I take it back, he is a complete racist on top of being a complete hot head.

 

Don't cry for him, there will be a million guys better than he is.

Edited by littleblackheart
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Some of the most racist people I know have black friends. It's fine to them to have black friends as long as those black friends know their place and don't cross-over into dating anyone there close to. I'm related to some people like this, I'm sad to say. No matter how many friends he has, your boyfriend is racist. Do you want to spend your life with a racist?

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GorillaTheater

I will be completely honest with you. I've already decided that I will overdose on sleeping pills if I decide to kill myself. Those are the thoughts going thru my head right now.

 

:(

 

 

You need to knock off that line of thinking right now. Part of the problem is that you've put this guy on a pedestal. On top of freaking Mount Everest. Nobody could live up to the portrait you've painted of an Adonis with the heart of Mother Teresa anyways, and sure enough this guy showed a stunningly ugly streak. This guy is NOT worth your life.

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thefooloftheyear
Some of the most racist people I know have black friends. It's fine to them to have black friends as long as those black friends know their place and don't cross-over into dating anyone there close to. I'm related to some people like this, I'm sad to say. No matter how many friends he has, your boyfriend is racist. Do you want to spend your life with a racist?

 

Yep....I was going to say basically the same...

 

And as a guy, I have run into a number of guys over the years that seemed completely fine with anyone who is black, never ever heard a racial slur, they just don't want to know that a black guy had his dick in his SO...now or ever....It's literally the only issue that I ever saw, that I could say would qualify them as racists...But I agree, at that point, its all or nothing...You can't be "selectively" racist...

 

A guy I have known for a long time, broke up with his gf for something similar....I asked him about it, and even joked about the bbc thing, but he insisted that wasn't it...The thing he most mentioned was that somehow he believed that he was now exposed to a variety of STD's he wouldn't normally have concerns over..And after dumping her(he never said the reason, just gave some bs reason), had a whole battery of testing done...He seemed legitimately worried...

 

As for the OP, its clear that the guy will never get over this, nor should she put up with it anyway, and is a hothead as well....No matter how much feelings she has for him, its a bad recipe for a mate...

 

I wish her well...

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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Scarlett.O'hara

First of all, this guy isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. He may have done some nice things, but he is also is racist jerk with anger issues.

 

The things he said to you were utterly vile and disgusting. I'm surprised you didn't tell him where to shove it and walked out.

 

You want to go on and on about both your looks and measurements like it is relevant within the context of the situation, why is that? Is it easier to focus on the superficial things rather than the cold hard facts that this guy isn't perfect man you thought he was?

 

When things start to calm down, I hope you can reflect on the things that have happened, and start to stand up for what you know is right.

 

Can you in all good conscience stay in a relationship with someone so blatantly racist and judgmental of those of mixed race heritage? Would you want those values passed down to your own children? Should you be concerned about his excessive violence in the future? These are all things you need to seriously consider carefully.

 

I know you're hurting a lot right now, but suicide is not the answer. If you feel things becoming unbearable, then seek help from a professional.

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