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Do i have the right to phone his mother?


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So I'm 31 and he is nearly 39.

We broke up 2 months ago and i moved out last week.

 

He has NO friends or social contacts in this city we've lived in for 3 years. He has only 2 aquaintances in his home city. Therefore, now that ive moved out he has no friends and is extremely socially isolated. (Which he likes i guess).

 

Thing is, im the ONLY soul on earth who is aware/informed of his mental state. This is a chronically (very) depressed man with a binge eating disorder (daily) and obesity (plus pre diabetes etc). Since i moved out he has taken up drinking n binge eats every day (massive massive amounts of food) then gets very drunk.

 

He told me he loathes himself n hates life.

So. Not a single otger person has a CLUE how he really feels.

 

I cannot be checking up on him frequently (for me to move on).

 

Shoukd i involve his very loving and keen mother? Like ecen text her that ive niw moved out, hes socially isolated, i now cant check in with him as much, just alerting her that hes not 'doing so well'.... is this invasive? What if ge spiralled worse n i told no-one? Can i call her?

Forget this whole idea?

 

I would not forgive myself if he garmed himself n i had told no-one else to check on him mentally...

He literally has said he sees why people comit suicude, life is long and he hates life and he thinks he will be dead in 10 years from a stroke or geart attack..

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ExpatInItaly

Normally I would advocate staying out of it. But since his physical and mental health seems to be at a legitimate risk, I think I would let his mother know so that you can wash your hands of it.

 

And then I would leave it at that, wish her well and move forward with your life.

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I say yes as long as it's a one-time thing, but be prepared for her to believe him over you. Tell her you couldn't stand by while he runs himself into the ground and are officially turning him over to the care of his family. Then just let it go.

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Yes, but do not let her think she can leave it all to you or that you are available as some sort of a go between and helper or you are just on the other end of a phone if she needs any help.

Make sure she understands that you are telling her and then bowing out.

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I agree with what has been said so far. I'd usually suggest you stay out of it, but as he's at risk to himself, you need to tell someone.

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Is it just me or does the idea of having sex with another person in the future revolting.

 

I am so grossed out by the idea that i started crying (yes, i know how psycho that sounds)

 

How could i ever trust another man to do that act again.

 

How do you guys feel about having sex again sometime in the future? It nauseated me and scares me.

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You have the right to talk to anybody you like. Whether that is a good idea is the Q.

 

Here you are calling to warn his mom that you think he's a danger to himself. That is absolutely legitimate. Go ahead & do that but then bow completely out of the situation.

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From what I can tell from your other posts you are relatively fresh out of a break up. Under those circumstances not wanting to jump into another relationship & being scared to trust are understandable.

 

Being grossed out & nauseated by the idea of a new sexual relationship seems over the top to me. I suspect in time your feelings may change as the acute pain of your break up subsides. If in a year from now you still feel the same way, consider therapy.

 

But to answer your Q, since I am happily married the thought of sex with somebody else makes me sad because to do that I'd have to be widowed or divorced.

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Is it just me or does the idea of having sex with another person in the future revolting.

 

I am so grossed out by the idea that i started crying (yes, i know how psycho that sounds)

 

How could i ever trust another man to do that act again.

 

How do you guys feel about having sex again sometime in the future? It nauseated me and scares me.

 

When I first got out of my relationship with my ex, I felt the exact same way. Now, when I go anywhere and see an attractive female... I get that feeling in my stomach again where I'm like "wow, very attractive person". It eases with time, I promise that. You're just healing, and during healing time; nothing else sounds good.

 

Think of it like when you have the flu. If you love to go running; when you have the flu do you feel like running? NO! After the flu passes, though, I bet you're excited to run again!

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It's not just you. I felt nausea and sadness at that though t after my first breakup. It passed after a while.

But that thought probably is upsetting. I never wanted to be with anyone else. But I did get over it and was with others since. It is a big deal to me and a tough thing about a breakup

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A breakup scenario is different than "normal" life. And different people have different views and attitudes towards sex, whether it be casual or in a committed relationship, or some combination thereof. Your attitude right now does not sound healthy, however, so you'll have to elaborate before we can offer better advice.

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Is it just me or does the idea of having sex with another person in the future revolting.

 

I am so grossed out by the idea that i started crying (yes, i know how psycho that sounds)

 

How could i ever trust another man to do that act again.

 

How do you guys feel about having sex again sometime in the future? It nauseated me and scares me.

 

It's normal.

 

Things will change in a few months. It takes time. Just don't dwell on it or worry about it.

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I need to let go of everything, the mental the emotional and physical part of the relationship with my ex.

 

I think the physical part will work itself out once I'm with someone else, someone new.

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fieldoflavender

I don't have trouble with this at all. Considering this was an issue with my ex to begin with. I welcome it in fact, but I controlled myself and didn't make any decisions in the immediate post break up that would go against my values. But once I emotionally invest in someone who DESERVES to be trusted in the future, then I have no issues going ahead with this and the bar is set pretty low for it to be better to be honest.

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After my divorce, I just couldn't do it with the first two women I dated. Mental block. I wasn't "grossed out", but the divorce was so fresh that it felt like cheating. After explaining I was newly divorced, the ladies understood. The second was very understanding and we eventually had a brief fling. I assume feeling that way is natural.

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I think it is part of the bonding that occurred with a previous partner. It is a mental and physical entanglement. The bond will gradually unravel as time goes on but at the moment you are still feeling tied. I am sorry about the break-up. The pain of breaking up is probably messing up all your mental and physical feelings at the moment. A break-up can trigger all kinds of physical symptoms, like shaking, pounding heart, nausea, anxiety, depression, over-sensitivity. I think you'll start to feel better soon when the whole over-sensitivity starts to diminish.

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Is it just me or does the idea of having sex with another person in the future revolting.

 

I am so grossed out by the idea that i started crying (yes, i know how psycho that sounds)

 

How could i ever trust another man to do that act again.

 

How do you guys feel about having sex again sometime in the future? It nauseated me and scares me.

 

 

You put a lot of pressure on your self. Have you read any life changing books?

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Hmmm , yeppa. Worries me too. The thing would be well one ,l just don't want anyone else and 2ndly, l just couldn't imagine anyone else even coming close anyway.

l'd hate to put that onto someone new one day and l wouldn't , but the thing is, anyone else will just be a let down .

l feel as though l'll just have to live in one of those non sexual type relationships from here and grow old.

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I think this will subside with time. Allow things to happen organically and always be mindful and diligent about your recovery, don't ever let up on those. The time will come when you will eventually end up being intimate with someone else and you will be fully in the moment without looking behind you or to the future.

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Perhaps someone can relate ..

 

One of the scariest things for me is a totally lost vision for my future.

 

I had it all plsnned out in my head before we broke up (or atleast some visions for the future)

 

Now i cannot picture my future

Its scary

I know im good at my job so i can see that in my future.

 

But i might even have to move to a less expensive city. Might settle for no husband etc.

 

My visions of my future were wiped. Now i struggle to see anything.

 

Anyone relate?

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We all have moments in our life when we seem to lose everything and have trouble reassembling our lives. Don't try to think of the future and all its potential problems yet. First take baby steps a day at a time to rebuild your life. Once you get some momentum, it will be easier to see a future again. Get two jobs if it would help. Do something to overcompensate for your loss and force something good out of the situation by doing so.

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You are depressed & parts of your life just got upended. Because you are in a negative head space it all seems bleak. It will get better & you will regain some clarity. It make take a few months. Hang in there.

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fieldoflavender
Perhaps someone can relate ..

 

One of the scariest things for me is a totally lost vision for my future.

 

I had it all plsnned out in my head before we broke up (or atleast some visions for the future)

 

Now i cannot picture my future

Its scary

I know im good at my job so i can see that in my future.

 

But i might even have to move to a less expensive city. Might settle for no husband etc.

 

My visions of my future were wiped. Now i struggle to see anything.

 

Anyone relate?

 

I can relate it. I never "had it all" but I had more than I ever did in the last year and then suddenly I had so much less and my break-up was very public and all sorts of people from my past ended up knowing about it thanks to social media.

 

The me a year ago - could not face the world. But guess what, I'm facing the world - in small pieces but doing it.

 

I've already started my own retirement plan and maybe I'm getting ahead of myself but I want to make sure I can go to a darn good nursing home. Men will come and go, but I will always be there - and I am the only person who will for sure take care of me. Maybe someone else will come into the picture, maybe not. But I am here and I need to have a plan.

 

I think in a way it's empowering, you're making decisions for once for you. I made so many too many decisions to accommodate him that I wasn't really happy with. It's not wrong to make sacrifices for someone else - but they have to be worth it and they have to appreciate it. And it has to be worth it for you.

 

And sometimes we get so embedded into this "dream" and "vision" that we lose sight of the important things such as empowering ourselves. And someone who truly truly loves you will want you to empower yourself too. Sadly he told me many times he wanted that - but his actions spoke against it. He bribed me that his job would pay more if I just make all these sacrifices for him now and then later it would be better for us. I'm not believing that b.s. in the future.

 

It's always harder for a single woman to plan her own retirement, but you know what - I got more expensive gifts this year than ever, but it was not in the least bit worth my dignity. I would rather spend what I personally earn and live within means. That way no one can say anything about you.

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Take comfort in the fact that nearly anyone you date next will likely be a big improvement over the last one. Also, you have learned now to drop a man at the first sign of this not being a healthy person instead of trying to help them. Just drop them and move on and leave any help to family.

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Perhaps someone can relate ..

 

One of the scariest things for me is a totally lost vision for my future.

 

I had it all plsnned out in my head before we broke up (or atleast some visions for the future)

 

Now i cannot picture my future

Its scary

I know im good at my job so i can see that in my future.

 

But i might even have to move to a less expensive city. Might settle for no husband etc.

 

My visions of my future were wiped. Now i struggle to see anything.

 

Anyone relate?

yep. happens. it's happened with me on more than one occasion. Loss of many kinds can do this. Job, career, relationship, death of a loved one, health crisis....

 

It passes. Life moves....sometimes at it's pace, not ours. That's life. (not being uncompassionate by saying that....just my own observation of the nature of it...)

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