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Dumper girlfriend reached out for closure and goodbye. But cancelled?


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So I dated a girl right. She broke up with me for false reasons claiming I didn't give her enough attention, she didn't think it would work long term, blah blah. But the truth of the matter is she cheated on me. With someone who is 14 years older than her, and has a lot of money. She denies the cheating. And denies choosing him for his money. Our relationship was amazing. She told me everything about how she felt for me, how happy I made her, how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, everything. She broke up with me in February, and after that we continued seeing eachother and having sex and pretty much being a couple again without a label until June. Meanwhile this guy she chose over me would fly out here and see her occasionally while we were "broken up" but still having sex. He would literally be texting her as we lay naked together. I couldn't take it anymore and we officially separated on June 17th. She reached out on July 10th asking to meet for a "real goodbye" and "real closure". She even messaged me on FB thinking I blocked her number because I didn't respond right away. She was really panicky. I played it off like I've been busy and I told her when I was free. I texted her the day I was free and said I'm free to meet at this place at this time. She tried suggesting another place and I didn't respond. She then texts me again 5 hours later with, "cant make it today, sorry." Why would she cancel plans that she wanted in the first place? I have been broken for some time now, and I haven't texted her since that day. It's coming up on a month since she cancelled and nothing from her. Is she waiting for me to break because I have the power back? Or what's going on?

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Because it's not really what she wants to do, give you closure, because that's going to be awkward, and so she's certainly not making it a priority.

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She couldn't make the only time and place you gave her. She ask for an alternative and you ignored her. Obviously she can't be bothered dealing with you anymore.

 

If you really wanted the closure, you would have be more responsive to meeting at a time which suited you both. But you weren't flexible or responsive to her contact so the meeting didn't happen.

 

The fact that she didn't twist herself trying to fit into your schedule shows that you actually don't have the power you think you do.

Edited by basil67
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She couldn't make the only time and place you gave her. She ask for an alternative and you ignored her. Obviously she can't be bothered dealing with you anymore.

 

If you really wanted the closure, you would have be more responsive to meeting at a time which suited you both. But you weren't flexible or responsive to her contact so the meeting didn't happen.

 

The fact that she didn't twist herself trying to fit into your schedule shows that you actually don't have the power you think you do.

 

I disagree. You have to read between the lines. OP was following his gut which is pretty much always right.

 

When she asked for a change of venue, that's her backtracking when she is suddenly confronted with the reality of a meet up. The OP's lack of response at that point just forced her hand even more because she was probably feeling even more uncomfortable knowing that the OP had kind of left the ball in her court (in essence, the OP called her bluff).

 

OP, she was never going to meet up. So don't stress over that.

 

It's like the token friendship offering. They don't really want to be your friend. They just want to know that you would be ok being friends so they can feel less guilty.

 

And yes OP, with respect to your main question, the NC for a month or so caused self-reflection on her end and the guilt started building up. She tried to alleviate that by contacting you. From now on make sure you hold NC. Let her deal with that guilt on her own. Every time you break NC, your alleviating her guilt by helping her validate her decision. The inner dialogue within her will upset her way more than anything you could ever say to her.

Edited by marky00
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I disagree. You have to read between the lines. OP was following his gut which is pretty much always right.

 

And his ex followed her gut. Which is apparently pretty much always right.

 

Honestly, why would she put herself out for a guy who wouldn't even bother answering her message?

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And his ex followed her gut. Which is apparently pretty much always right.

 

Honestly, why would she put herself out for a guy who wouldn't even bother answering her message?

 

She dumped him, broke NC and he is now supposed to be responding within a time schedule?

 

 

Really?

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She dumped you, she moved on to this other guy, she used you for comfort and sex for a while until she didn't need you any more. YOU ended it then but I guess she was probably about to do the same, She already had a bf by that time.

She then arranged closure to tidy up the loose ends, but really she didn't need any closure as she was the one that made the decision to split in the first place, so when you started your little "I'm busy, let's meet when I am free" game to regain some power for yourself, she really could not be bothered, and went NC.

 

The dumper nearly always holds all the power as they rarely care as much as the dumpee.

The dumper can take it or leave it as they are completely done and/or they have other options lined up; the dumpee on the other hand is usually desperate for the attention, any attention at all...

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Shame she wasn't following her gut when she broke NC. Just made things more messy.

 

 

She cancelled 5 hours later lol after her initial message, because it was all about her anyway.

Edited by marky00
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The thing is she could have made it. She easily could have made the meet up I know what time we both get off work and it's the same time. She was even watching Netflix that night on our account. I feel like she was bothered though. Initially she texted me with, "hey wanna meet up today? I have a pair of your boots also." I said nah I'm busy today, the only free time I have is Sunday morning/afternoon. She said, "how about Monday then"? Then I said I can't Monday, I'll let you know the next time I'm available sometime this weekend. She was trying to control it right? The she said, "hahaha alright. I'm not worried about my stuff I just figured we should have our closure on better terms, that's all. So if you don't want to you can keep the stuff, or throw it away. I never responded to that text and on Monday she texted me again with asking me to drop of some of her stuff and for a real goodbye and real closure. From which I attempted the meeting where she ultimately cancelled. But she wanted it in the first place. I know she cares for me, but it's hard to tell if she is going to reach out again.

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The thing is she could have made it. She easily could have made the meet up I know what time we both get off work and it's the same time. She was even watching Netflix that night on our account. I feel like she was bothered though. Initially she texted me with, "hey wanna meet up today? I have a pair of your boots also." I said nah I'm busy today, the only free time I have is Sunday morning/afternoon. She said, "how about Monday then"? Then I said I can't Monday, I'll let you know the next time I'm available sometime this weekend. She was trying to control it right? The she said, "hahaha alright. I'm not worried about my stuff I just figured we should have our closure on better terms, that's all. So if you don't want to you can keep the stuff, or throw it away. I never responded to that text and on Monday she texted me again with asking me to drop of some of her stuff and for a real goodbye and real closure. From which I attempted the meeting where she ultimately cancelled. But she wanted it in the first place. I know she cares for me, but it's hard to tell if she is going to reach out again.

 

All about her and her guilt. Your gut instinct is correct. Do not respond again. She broke up with you and left it awkward for you. Time for you to totally disappear and leave things awkward for her. That is the only way you will feel better and get your respect back.

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Closure talks are a load of BS anyway. At the time in the moment you both say things to comfort each other and make things seem amicable but at the end of the day the facts remain the same and she left for another guy while stringing you along. No amount of closure talks will ever change that. Closure comes from within when you accept the situation and move on with your own happiness and never look back.

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I'm finding it confusing as to why she hasn't reached out again. I agreed and offered to meet her, she tried changing what I suggested and cancelled when she could have met me anyway. It's been so long now a little over 3 weeks. What should I do? I would like to see her before I leave but I don't want to be the one to reach out first.

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Keep doing no contact,

 

She is testing you to see if you will fall for her game and break NC, She has you on the hook, it's an episode of: How i met your mother.

 

She is stringing you along, don't fall for it or you will become her plan B, let her do her rebound thing and just disappear from her life.

 

I know it's hard, i am doing it right now with my ex, she broke up 2 months ago with me. I am suspecting there is someone else but she won't admit it.

 

She tried to keep me as a plan B, to see me once a week and talk on the phone once a day on her terms, meaning she calls when she wants, any time she wants, meets me with separate cars at other location than her house and with a curfew.

 

I tried it for a week and believe me i felt sick to my stomach and i had to tell her NO, you wanted a break? you needed space ? You will have your space and a break with NO CONTACT.

 

She tried to string me along, and eventually i probably would have fallen in the friend zone and lose my dignity and respect and she would have ended it anyway. So why bother ?

 

Sometimes it's an excuse to soften the breakup, If you want to avoid more pain and heartache, just disappear man. Shut your feelings down and be hard on yourself, don't accept any BS from her.

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Why would she cancel plans that she wanted in the first place?

 

I think you're spending waaaayy too much time trying to figure out her motives, actions, what she says, etc.

 

You should be asking yourself why you agreed to meet her to begin with and why you're continuing to allow a lying cheater so much space in your head.

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ChatroomHero

Look at it bluntly, she is probably busy rolling around naked with the other guy. What more closure than that would you need to meet up for?

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Well the other guy is in her hometown. 800 miles away so he's not around and only comes to visit her on occasion. It still baffles me that she chose him for his money. He's 14 years older than her, and received a large court settlement of $755000 which she's know about ever since we were dating. I agreed to meet her because I still care about her and was interested in what she had to say. But I'm still thinking she's obviously thinking of me, because she's the one who cancelled. The last time she told me she loved me was like June 1st ish. A couple weeks later she tried playing the I love you but I'm not in love with you card, and started distancing herself from me which ultimately led up to the official separation. The other guy flew in like June 23rd to spend a weekend with her and **** her. Oh the pain. But it's crazy she still reached out to me, an EX, when she has a boyfriend. I really do hope this is a waiting game between us, honestly if she wanted to reconcile and get back together, which I think is like a 1% chance of happening, she would have to pull a completely 180 and explain everything she did and why, apologize sincerely and I might forgive her and take her back, but she would have to work for it. I believe in second chances, especially with someone I love deeply despite the horrible things she's done.

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Keep doing no contact,

 

She is testing you to see if you will fall for her game and break NC, She has you on the hook, it's an episode of: How i met your mother.

 

She is stringing you along, don't fall for it or you will become her plan B, let her do her rebound thing and just disappear from her life.

 

I know it's hard, i am doing it right now with my ex, she broke up 2 months ago with me. I am suspecting there is someone else but she won't admit it.

 

She tried to keep me as a plan B, to see me once a week and talk on the phone once a day on her terms, meaning she calls when she wants, any time she wants, meets me with separate cars at other location than her house and with a curfew.

 

I tried it for a week and believe me i felt sick to my stomach and i had to tell her NO, you wanted a break? you needed space ? You will have your space and a break with NO CONTACT.

 

She tried to string me along, and eventually i probably would have fallen in the friend zone and lose my dignity and respect and she would have ended it anyway. So why bother ?

 

Sometimes it's an excuse to soften the breakup, If you want to avoid more pain and heartache, just disappear man. Shut your feelings down and be hard on yourself, don't accept any BS from her.

If I continue NC will she break eventually again?

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If I continue NC will she break eventually again?

 

Unlikely. You playing games with her (only giving her one time/date to meet and refusing to answer her when she couldn't make the date) would have cemented in her mind that you were well worth leaving behind.

 

Let's cut through all your incorrect assertions:

 

She didn't cheat on you. You were just an ex she was shagging. You knew she wasn't being exclusive with you but you went along for the ride willingly.

 

She didn't cancel on you. You gave her a time and a place which she was unable to do. When she tried to make another time, you refused to answer. She can't cancel an appointment if an appointment time was never agreed to in the first place!!!

 

It's highly likely that your game playing around meeting times made her realise what an uncooperative person you can be. Based on your behaviour, she's now had an epiphany that she really does not want you in her life and giving polite closure is not necessary.

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If I continue NC will she break eventually again?

Maybe, maybe not, but even if she does break NC, DO NOT rely on her coming back to you.

Many dumpers want to keep in touch, but most never want to get back together with the dumpee.

 

I really do hope this is a waiting game between us, honestly if she wanted to reconcile and get back together, which I think is like a 1% chance of happening, she would have to pull a completely 180 and explain everything she did and why, apologize sincerely and I might forgive her and take her back, but she would have to work for it. I believe in second chances, especially with someone I love deeply despite the horrible things she's done

.

YOU seem to have an unrealistic expectation that you are still somewhat in control. I very much doubt that you will get a second chance here.

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YOU seem to have an unrealistic expectation that you are still somewhat in control. I very much doubt that you will get a second chance here.

 

This ^

 

She wouldn't play your games, therefore she's got the upper hand.

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If I continue NC will she break eventually again?

 

If you continue NC, yes eventually she will break it again, but you have to let enough time pass for her to regret her decision, if you keep hammering her with txt messages you will just push her towards the other guy.

 

She needs to miss you and you got to work on your confidence, even if the guy is rich, doesn't mean she will be happy with him. Take the no contact time to work on yourself on becoming an alpha male, search in google, right now she has put you as Beta male. You have to change this in her head. No contact is the first step.

 

When enough time has passed and her rebound guy is gone, she will regret what she did and try to contact you, then it is your choice if you want to forgive her or not, or if you want a better woman in your life, who will be interested in you 90% instead of 40 or 50%, if they lie or cheat their interest is very low and they can repeat it again.

 

You must also find what attracts her ? what were the things or traits that attracted her to you ? when you first met, try to become the guy you were at the beginning, sometimes in relationships we let ourselves go with time and lose those traits we had when the relationship started.

 

So yes, in conclusion you must absolutely do a strict no contact and let enough time pass, maybe 2 or 3 months, that's how much time on average it takes for them to miss you, sometimes more like 6 months, depends of the relationship you had.

 

if she breaks no contact for chit chat or is wishy washy just ignore her. You will know by the message she sends if she is regretting her decision. Wait until you see that message that indicates regret or that she misses you, if it's just to get her stuff don't respond, she said you can throw it away anyway right ?

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Pirandello, most people don't go back to exes. The are exes for a reason and we don't regret leaving them.

 

What makes you so sure she's the exception to the rule?

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Pirandello, most people don't go back to exes. The are exes for a reason and we don't regret leaving them.

 

What makes you so sure she's the exception to the rule?

 

Sometimes, ex's regret their decision, especially if they thought the grass is greener elsewhere and left you for someone else.

 

If the new relationship fails they might want back, they might realise they made a mistake, it happens.

 

She might realise she made a decision based on her emotions and with time the negative feelings will go away and she will remember the good emotions she had.

 

I am not saying this will happen 100% i am saying it is a possibility.

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Unlikely. You playing games with her (only giving her one time/date to meet and refusing to answer her when she couldn't make the date) would have cemented in her mind that you were well worth leaving behind.

 

Let's cut through all your incorrect assertions:

 

She didn't cheat on you. You were just an ex she was shagging. You knew she wasn't being exclusive with you but you went along for the ride willingly.

 

She didn't cancel on you. You gave her a time and a place which she was unable to do. When she tried to make another time, you refused to answer. She can't cancel an appointment if an appointment time was never agreed to in the first place!!!

 

It's highly likely that your game playing around meeting times made her realise what an uncooperative person you can be. Based on your behaviour, she's now had an epiphany that she really does not want you in her life and giving polite closure is not necessary.

She was able to do so. She was free that entire day after work I know her schedule and when she gets off it's identical to mine. And she did cheat on me. She slept with that guy while we were together, in vegas. I only found out about after we were already "broken up". She is the one that's playing games with me though. When she texted me she was totally panicky and almost guilty and desperate to talk. If she really wanted to meet me she would have met me at the place I suggested. I'm not playing games. I'm showing her I'm not available like I used to be. She has to take a number to see me. She was watching Netflix anyway that night so thats how you know it's a mind game. IMO

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If you continue NC, yes eventually she will break it again, but you have to let enough time pass for her to regret her decision, if you keep hammering her with txt messages you will just push her towards the other guy.

 

She needs to miss you and you got to work on your confidence, even if the guy is rich, doesn't mean she will be happy with him. Take the no contact time to work on yourself on becoming an alpha male, search in google, right now she has put you as Beta male. You have to change this in her head. No contact is the first step.

 

When enough time has passed and her rebound guy is gone, she will regret what she did and try to contact you, then it is your choice if you want to forgive her or not, or if you want a better woman in your life, who will be interested in you 90% instead of 40 or 50%, if they lie or cheat their interest is very low and they can repeat it again.

 

You must also find what attracts her ? what were the things or traits that attracted her to you ? when you first met, try to become the guy you were at the beginning, sometimes in relationships we let ourselves go with time and lose those traits we had when the relationship started.

 

So yes, in conclusion you must absolutely do a strict no contact and let enough time pass, maybe 2 or 3 months, that's how much time on average it takes for them to miss you, sometimes more like 6 months, depends of the relationship you had.

 

if she breaks no contact for chit chat or is wishy washy just ignore her. You will know by the message she sends if she is regretting her decision. Wait until you see that message that indicates regret or that she misses you, if it's just to get her stuff don't respond, she said you can throw it away anyway right ?

That's the thing. After she said she didn't care about her stuff and I could just keep it or throw it away. I didn't respond. She texted me again on Monday asking me to drop her stuff off and have a "quick chat" haha. I said I could drop the stuff off but I didn't have time to talk and said we could set something up another time. She said, "okay, I just want to have a real goodbye and real closure before you go home. If you dropping off that stuff is your goodbye and closure then just let me know and I'll **** off and leave you alone." Really emotional of her to say that. I then said "I'm free after work on Wednesday" she said "okay." Which then I texted her on Wednesday where and when I could meet. She tried making a funny joke and I was lighthearted about it and she said "haha alright" and tried suggesting another place. I didn't get back to her because I was still working towards the end I the day and she texts me with, "can't make it today, sorry." From which I went no contact again. 3 weeks ago.

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