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I let my Ex go after a mutual(ish) break up....now I am regretting not fighting


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Hi I am new to this thread site,

I want to vent and seek advice in equal measure.

 

I have just split with my Ex of six years in the past two weeks.

She initiated the conversation, we broke amicably that night, no argument just a straight conversation about how we both feel. The next day I came back from work, I asked if she wanted to keep our rented flat, she did so I am moving out this week.

I will still be local, as I have a good friendship network in this area, I am moving into a new flat this week.

In our breakup conversation, she highlighted that she feels anxious all of the time and doesn’t want to feel that way anymore. I also feel similar and have a general feeling that I am not being supported, though my feelings are also influenced by my environment. It has been a tough year for me (and us), I got shipped out to Paris 5 days a week for 6 months this time last year with work, we hardly saw each other and it made a real dent in the relationship. I ended up asking to come home as I thought it was putting a strain on the relationship. This is in turn has made life hard for me at work, I think they feel I am not a team player etc… I was also being bullied by my manager when I was out there, the pressure was certainly on top of me, and I felt like I couldn’t cope. Then, 3 days after I get back, our water heater leaked into the electric meter, no power in the house. We get put up by the landlord in various hotels, about 7 in total over the space of 3 months, this was very disruptive, I didn’t feel like I had a home. All while this was going on, the stress triggered a bad bout of IBS that put me in hospital for a few days. We eventually found a new place and have been there for a few months. It was better initially but I think the damage was done, I couldn’t get myself out of my slump. I guess this was not very nice for my Ex to see, she probably thought I was bringing her down.

The past two weeks since the split have been up and down, a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions, but I have been able to keep it together in front of her and have acted respectfully. She has done the same, we have not brought up any relationship chat at all. I figure we both need space to digest what’s happened, which is not so easy when living together. Hanging out has been fun at times, divvying up our stuff while packing etc, I would even go as far to say that it’s been a bit flirty, she touches me all the time and we have a good laugh (very light-hearted), she came home last night really drunk and was centring all her attention on me while my friend was there…but I’m not looking into that, I guess it’s just easy in the situation.

We share friends in several social circles, contact is inevitable moving forward. I am OK seeing her with another guy, though this hasn’t happened yet! I guess it will hurt, but I am mature enough to keep it together. I would suggest it already has happened for her, she has stayed out a few nights on the weekend, and has lied to me (even when I didn’t ask) about being with a friend, ( I saw on FB that her friend was in a different part of the country with her BF for the weeken) I guess she was on a date. We have also both seen each other’s Tinder/Bumble profiles, so it’s obvious what we are both up to. I actually have been with someone also, I feel pretty indifferent about it to be honest.

I guess I am worried that I am making a mistake here. Our relationship was special, I have never felt anything like it before, we fought to get together, and she even dumped a long term guy because our feelings were so strong. The first time we met, spent 6 hours in a room chatting about rubbish…we missed the whole party and couldn’t stop thinking about each other. We moved in together within a year, we travelled the world, we shared some incredibly intimate moments that are incomparable to anything I have seen from other couples. We had also planned on getting married, buying a house and having little ones, but I didn’t ask when life started to get hard, I do and don’t regret that now.

 

Should I keep doing what I am, being nice but thinking of myself and moving on, or do I do something about it?

 

I am really confused.

 

My gut tells me that we both need space, but I am worried that the space will pull us apart forever.

My heart tells me I am making a massive mistake, that she is the one and (if she is also willing) I am prepared to really look into what went wrong, accept it and make a long term plan of how to grow and change myself for the better. She would also need to do this though, it is a two way street after all.

 

If anyone else has been in a similar situation, your advice is welcomed. Additionally, if you have any thoughts, please let me know.

Thanks for reading, writing this stuff down does seem to help!

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Greenhawk84

It sounds like she would definitely hear you out if you just said how you felt about it. If you mentioned that perhaps some space would be better in the short term and that you still want to work on turning things around. Let her know what you want, you guys have been together a long time. Don't be undecided, make sure you know what you want to do. Think about how you guys can continue to grow together. Think about if this relationship has run its course. These are the hardest breakups, when a relationship isn't shattered by lying and cheating, just circumstances and personalities that get in the way. It makes you really consider if things can be worked on. Don't convince yourself of anything. Try to be honest with yourself. You mentioned the stress levels of both of you, this time away can be used to gauge your stress going forward. How will you both feel being apart? Will the stress reduce and things will be smoother in general? You need to see what happens.

Edited by Greenhawk84
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