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Hello loveshack, I am back. This is an update/warning/ venting post?

 

If you've read any of my posts you will know I went through a really horrible time with my breakup awhile ago. I had extreme anxiety which led to me reaching out every couple of weeks, not begging or pleading but just to talk. For the moment it would calm me down but then a couple weeks later it would flare up again. I sent a long letter of our issues which lead us to talking again and then slowly reconciling. But of course I wouldn't be here if it had worked out like a fairy tale.

 

I think this time we lasted about a year and a half until we saw the same issues, lack of communication, I was unable to talk to him without him blowing up over really small issues. We never resolved anything and I started to feel really lonely. This lead to resentment on my part and as a result a really low desire for physical intimacy. This was very important to him but I couldn't bring myself to fake it when I had so much resentment against the way he treated me. All of this lead to a real disconnect between us and it was apparent we had both lost the connection.

 

A couple months ago we had a fight, and because of everything this lead to us breaking up. We lived together so thus began the awkward moving out process. We barely talked, I would have but he was back and forth between his new place and keeping great distance as he has done before. I was in horrible shape, working from home everyday so I could have multiple breakdowns a day. However remembering what I went through before I immediately got on anti depressants and had Ativan for any sort of anxiety emergency. A couple days later I began staying at friends and that helped to be seperated from the house. I came back about two weeks later and he still hadn't moved out. While it felt comforting that he was still there, one night we had a really great talk and then he went out and partied all night. I couldn't take it and asked him to move out the next day which he did. Again this helped and I was able to begin my moving process. Once I moved into my new place it was like a tiny weight was lifted, I could start my new life. I kept myself super busy and made tons of plans, I definitely think this helped. I also started reading breakup books and doing the work to remind myself why this outcome was necessary. The pain was immense and naturally the one thing that can help ease the pain is thinking of getting back together. I was determined not to make all the same mistakes i did before and committed myself to 100% no contact. As hard as it was, I knew what it did to me before and it just about killed me having limited contact but never having anything move forward. I wanted to do the work to ensure I never went back on the decision we made.

 

Fast forward to a month and a half post BU. I'm doing pretty well. Not great but I can focus on work, I am able to have fun (something I could NEVER do in our last breakup) and I'm focused on moving forward. I still had some really low days and not able to sleep but I felt I was a thousand times better than the last breakup.

 

That was until he reached out to me. It was light at first, I really kept my distance to make sure he knew I wasn't just available anytime. But then it slowly moved into our old ways and god it felt so good to talk to him. My person, the one thing you miss more than anything. And then the thoughts come back, maybe we could do this. Maybe we could fix it. Also see all my work disappear. We talked, then you could feel us both realize 'wtf are we doing to ourselves'. I made a commitment to myself to not talk anymore when I received a message from him saying we can't talk anymore and maybe one day we can be friends. I'm not sure why this hurt so much but now I feel like I am basically starting over, it was so harsh to hear despite thinking the same thing myself. I am hurt and mad that I let this happen. I lost everything that I worked to get and I knew it would happen. I don't know the point of this but I guess it could serve as a warning. Don't let them in until you know you have moved on for sure. Because my god it does not feel good.

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That was until he reached out to me. It was light at first, I really kept my distance to make sure he knew I wasn't just available anytime. But then it slowly moved into our old ways and god it felt so good to talk to him. My person, the one thing you miss more than anything. And then the thoughts come back, maybe we could do this. Maybe we could fix it. Also see all my work disappear. We talked, then you could feel us both realize 'wtf are we doing to ourselves'. I made a commitment to myself to not talk anymore when I received a message from him saying we can't talk anymore and maybe one day we can be friends. I'm not sure why this hurt so much but now I feel like I am basically starting over, it was so harsh to hear despite thinking the same thing myself. I am hurt and mad that I let this happen. I lost everything that I worked to get and I knew it would happen. I don't know the point of this but I guess it could serve as a warning. Don't let them in until you know you have moved on for sure. Because my god it does not feel good.

 

He tried to turn the tables! My ex literally just did that to me. I told her that I cannot talk to her anymore, that I'm removing myself from her life for good. Then she replied with "If you don't reply to me by 6, I'm ignoring you forever" and that was AFTER I told her I am done with her myself. It's a game to people, it's sick! Do NOT let them back in while you are healing, in fact, if they are going to act like this.. Never let them in again. No matter how 'healed' you think you are, when you start letting them back in; they will tear down the castle of healing you have built. Be strong, and do not let anyone take your happiness away.

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fieldoflavender

I just have a question - how extreme does this go (i.e. not letting someone "back in life")? Recently I gave my ex a deadline because he was being ridiculous. I wanted to know what he wanted to do with his stuff. I don't understand why that doesn't warrant a real response. I think it's different when someone is like "hey how are you doing" versus - please let me know what to do with your things. I think it depends on what the deadline is for?

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lonelyplanetmoon

Thank you for posting your experience.

I am at 6 weeks post bu with my ex. This is the second bu initiated by him.

He is still in the process of moving out so had had limited contact.

Last Sunday he texted he wanted to drop off keys so I said ok.

We spoke for some time where he gave me the glimmer of hope that he might come back. Last 2 days were a firestorm of feelings after I got to a good place.

I think I know what I need to do to make it work.

But I am really scared that he will be back but not really want to work at it.

In his mind it is all my fault that things did not work.

It can only work if we both try super hard to set a new pattern.

 

So yes I am struggling. And needed to hear your warning to wake up a bit.

I guess he just gave me some breadcrumbs didn't he? Did not occur to me until just now.

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Your just used to him being in your life even though its been proven that the two of you just don't work.

People don't like change and with him your just avoiding the time where neither one of you will be in one another's lives. And its scary because for all the bad drama he did play a key role in your life in some shape or fashion.

But ask yourself how many times you want to repeat the process with him.

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Hello loveshack, I am back. This is an update/warning/ venting post?

 

If you've read any of my posts you will know I went through a really horrible time with my breakup awhile ago. I had extreme anxiety which led to me reaching out every couple of weeks, not begging or pleading but just to talk. For the moment it would calm me down but then a couple weeks later it would flare up again. I sent a long letter of our issues which lead us to talking again and then slowly reconciling. But of course I wouldn't be here if it had worked out like a fairy tale.

 

I think this time we lasted about a year and a half until we saw the same issues, lack of communication, I was unable to talk to him without him blowing up over really small issues. We never resolved anything and I started to feel really lonely. This lead to resentment on my part and as a result a really low desire for physical intimacy. This was very important to him but I couldn't bring myself to fake it when I had so much resentment against the way he treated me. All of this lead to a real disconnect between us and it was apparent we had both lost the connection.

 

A couple months ago we had a fight, and because of everything this lead to us breaking up. We lived together so thus began the awkward moving out process. We barely talked, I would have but he was back and forth between his new place and keeping great distance as he has done before. I was in horrible shape, working from home everyday so I could have multiple breakdowns a day. However remembering what I went through before I immediately got on anti depressants and had Ativan for any sort of anxiety emergency. A couple days later I began staying at friends and that helped to be seperated from the house. I came back about two weeks later and he still hadn't moved out. While it felt comforting that he was still there, one night we had a really great talk and then he went out and partied all night. I couldn't take it and asked him to move out the next day which he did. Again this helped and I was able to begin my moving process. Once I moved into my new place it was like a tiny weight was lifted, I could start my new life. I kept myself super busy and made tons of plans, I definitely think this helped. I also started reading breakup books and doing the work to remind myself why this outcome was necessary. The pain was immense and naturally the one thing that can help ease the pain is thinking of getting back together. I was determined not to make all the same mistakes i did before and committed myself to 100% no contact. As hard as it was, I knew what it did to me before and it just about killed me having limited contact but never having anything move forward. I wanted to do the work to ensure I never went back on the decision we made.

 

Fast forward to a month and a half post BU. I'm doing pretty well. Not great but I can focus on work, I am able to have fun (something I could NEVER do in our last breakup) and I'm focused on moving forward. I still had some really low days and not able to sleep but I felt I was a thousand times better than the last breakup.

 

That was until he reached out to me. It was light at first, I really kept my distance to make sure he knew I wasn't just available anytime. But then it slowly moved into our old ways and god it felt so good to talk to him. My person, the one thing you miss more than anything. And then the thoughts come back, maybe we could do this. Maybe we could fix it. Also see all my work disappear. We talked, then you could feel us both realize 'wtf are we doing to ourselves'. I made a commitment to myself to not talk anymore when I received a message from him saying we can't talk anymore and maybe one day we can be friends. I'm not sure why this hurt so much but now I feel like I am basically starting over, it was so harsh to hear despite thinking the same thing myself. I am hurt and mad that I let this happen. I lost everything that I worked to get and I knew it would happen. I don't know the point of this but I guess it could serve as a warning. Don't let them in until you know you have moved on for sure. Because my god it does not feel good.

 

Yep the exact same thing happened to me wth the ex wife. Set me back to square one. She cane back then started going hot and cold and then wanted a divorce .

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Hi lonelypalnetmoon, I can totally sympathize with your position.

 

I left my ex after how she treated me. After 14 months together, the last 2, I completely fell out of love with her, became detached and didn't want to be around her.

 

When me and my ex split, we had a chat, exchanged stuff on the day and said that was that. Then over the coming days text messages were exchanged, and she wasn't taking the hint it, so I went around hers for a chat, and I then said I would be up the next day after I had slept on it. You see, because even though I didn't love her or want to be with her, I was feeling guilty and didn't want to see her upset, but my gut told me not to give in, and end it, once and for all. So I did.

 

I was clicking my heels, so happy, I was free, I felt amazing!! Then after two/three weeks, I felt low, I missed her, no conversations to wake up to or end the day on, no waking up to cuddles etc. People were saying to me that it's just loneliness, and I need time alone to get used to it and accept it.

 

But after 3 weeks, I messaged her, saying how much I missed her and wanted to fix us. She said that I hurt her a lot, but she wanted to meet up and for us to sort everything. Man, I felt great talking to her again, the sadness had gone and a void was filled!!... But then after a few hours, my gut felt wrong in a, 'What have you done' vibe. Even my family, who could see how upset and sad she made me, when we were together, were saying the same thing. Like they reminded me, I don't love her, it's just the loneliness talking. So the next day, I said to her that I couldn't do it, and I didn't want to hurt her again and I don't think it's gonna work. She said how she wished she could turn back time, and how I will always have a place in her heart, and that I didn't need to reply to her message. So I didn't, I wasn't going to get sucked in.

 

Here I am, two and a half months later, and I'm slowly healing myself and moving on, and I have the odd day of missing her, but I look at the bigger picture of how it could have been had I gotten back together, and I didn't want history to repeat itself, as my Dad said, you broke up for a reason.

 

One of my very good friends, who was only a 'friend' of my ex, via FB, used to ask my ex how she was doing, and I swear my ex used to give her breadcrumbs, just to get stuff back to me. Just before I messaged my ex at the 3 week mark, my friend messaged her to ask how she was, and my ex said about her constant crying all day, how she wants me back but I've made my mind up etc. My ex never said these things to me, but she would tell my friend. For someone who wants and misses me so much, she never said. She was doing NC like me just to move on. They have removed each other now anyway on FB.

 

Even to this day, I wonder if my ex will message me asking for another shot, and I do get a bit excited about the idea, but then I remember that all I'm doing is trying to cover a massive wound with a small plaster (band aid) to temporarily fix the loneliness problem, rather than allowing time to stitch it up.

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Hi lonelypalnetmoon, I can totally sympathize with your position.

 

I left my ex after how she treated me. After 14 months together, the last 2, I completely fell out of love with her, became detached and didn't want to be around her.

 

When me and my ex split, we had a chat, exchanged stuff on the day and said that was that. Then over the coming days text messages were exchanged, and she wasn't taking the hint it, so I went around hers for a chat, and I then said I would be up the next day after I had slept on it. You see, because even though I didn't love her or want to be with her, I was feeling guilty and didn't want to see her upset, but my gut told me not to give in, and end it, once and for all. So I did.

 

I was clicking my heels, so happy, I was free, I felt amazing!! Then after two/three weeks, I felt low, I missed her, no conversations to wake up to or end the day on, no waking up to cuddles etc. People were saying to me that it's just loneliness, and I need time alone to get used to it and accept it.

 

But after 3 weeks, I messaged her, saying how much I missed her and wanted to fix us. She said that I hurt her a lot, but she wanted to meet up and for us to sort everything. Man, I felt great talking to her again, the sadness had gone and a void was filled!!... But then after a few hours, my gut felt wrong in a, 'What have you done' vibe. Even my family, who could see how upset and sad she made me, when we were together, were saying the same thing. Like they reminded me, I don't love her, it's just the loneliness talking. So the next day, I said to her that I couldn't do it, and I didn't want to hurt her again and I don't think it's gonna work. She said how she wished she could turn back time, and how I will always have a place in her heart, and that I didn't need to reply to her message. So I didn't, I wasn't going to get sucked in.

 

Here I am, two and a half months later, and I'm slowly healing myself and moving on, and I have the odd day of missing her, but I look at the bigger picture of how it could have been had I gotten back together, and I didn't want history to repeat itself, as my Dad said, you broke up for a reason.

 

One of my very good friends, who was only a 'friend' of my ex, via FB, used to ask my ex how she was doing, and I swear my ex used to give her breadcrumbs, just to get stuff back to me. Just before I messaged my ex at the 3 week mark, my friend messaged her to ask how she was, and my ex said about her constant crying all day, how she wants me back but I've made my mind up etc. My ex never said these things to me, but she would tell my friend. For someone who wants and misses me so much, she never said. She was doing NC like me just to move on. They have removed each other now anyway on FB.

 

Even to this day, I wonder if my ex will message me asking for another shot, and I do get a bit excited about the idea, but then I remember that all I'm doing is trying to cover a massive wound with a small plaster (band aid) to temporarily fix the loneliness problem, rather than allowing time to stitch it up.

 

Thanks for sharing. This is so incredibly wise of you and you probably saved yourself so much hurt and wasted time by doing so. I know how hard it can be to calm the 'what ifs' what if it all worked out and should I have tried a little bit harder but you are right in that there is a reason it ended in the first place and to trust you knew what you were doing in that time.

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lonelyplanetmoon

MarvelFan1,

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective as the dumpee. What you say about falling out of love, detaching and not wanting to be around her is EXACTLY what happened to my ex.

 

He just stopped being in love with me for whatever reasons only he knows.

I tried my best and it just was not good enough.

 

I see now what I needed to change, but how far should that change go?

He really needed me to give him a lot of attention. A lot more than I could due to my busy work and life.

 

It is devastating to me to really understand now that he is never coming back. Not the full sandwich him anyway. I'd only get the breadcrumb him.

 

But it is also a relief to not have the tug of war.

Not all relationships are meant to last forever. I can be happy on my own or if I get lucky, I will find someone who will love me and want to be with me. This time I will take the lessons learned and be a little more attentive.

 

This post has been a real eye opening experience for me. Thank you all for sharing.

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Thank you for posting your experience.

I am at 6 weeks post bu with my ex. This is the second bu initiated by him.

He is still in the process of moving out so had had limited contact.

Last Sunday he texted he wanted to drop off keys so I said ok.

We spoke for some time where he gave me the glimmer of hope that he might come back. Last 2 days were a firestorm of feelings after I got to a good place.

I think I know what I need to do to make it work.

But I am really scared that he will be back but not really want to work at it.

In his mind it is all my fault that things did not work.

It can only work if we both try super hard to set a new pattern.

 

So yes I am struggling. And needed to hear your warning to wake up a bit.

I guess he just gave me some breadcrumbs didn't he? Did not occur to me until just now.

 

I can't be sure, but if he is only blaming you and hasn't quite said the words then it very likely could be breadcrumbs, especially if he just initiated the second breakup. Another concern is that he is blaming you. Therefore you will feel all the pressure to make sure you change yourself to match what he wants and he gets to do whatever he wants. You're right, it will only work if both parties agree to work on their issues. Ive been through that been before and you can guess which one of us was willing to work on our issues. So it didn't end up working out for a third time.

 

It is so difficult, I'm sorry you're going through this. Just be careful with yourself and how much you give to him. It hurts enough the first time, don't make yourself go through it again. Here for you anytime.

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MarvelFan1,

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective as the dumpee. What you say about falling out of love, detaching and not wanting to be around her is EXACTLY what happened to my ex.

 

He just stopped being in love with me for whatever reasons only he knows.

I tried my best and it just was not good enough.

 

I see now what I needed to change, but how far should that change go?

He really needed me to give him a lot of attention. A lot more than I could due to my busy work and life.

 

It is devastating to me to really understand now that he is never coming back. Not the full sandwich him anyway. I'd only get the breadcrumb him.

 

But it is also a relief to not have the tug of war.

Not all relationships are meant to last forever. I can be happy on my own or if I get lucky, I will find someone who will love me and want to be with me. This time I will take the lessons learned and be a little more attentive.

 

This post has been a real eye opening experience for me. Thank you all for sharing.

I'm glad my post was of some benefit to you :)

 

My Ex still loved me and said she realized what she had done wrong, and that we can work on our relationship and us etc, and to give her a second chance, but here is the crux, I didn't love her. If I had split up with her to save myself, and I was in love with her, then I would have gone down the second chance path, but if your both not in love, then what are you fighting to save? Like noun123 said above, I can live in a realm of 'what if's' and 'buts', but all that will do is destroy my mind, which is what I was trying to avoid when I broke up with her.

 

My ex wanted attention and became very clingy, which wasn't like her to begin with then after our first big argument, I said I would come over less just to we can have a bit of fresh air between us mid week, she didn't want me to. Then I got the when are you moving in question, and when I said I wasn't ready and it may be a few years yet (you need to make sure you don't rush in), she didn't like that one bit.

 

I tried my best to give her all my attention when I could, gifts waiting for her after work, meals out and in the end all she did was drive me away. She was always looking for something to nitpick and argue over so we could then make up over it, very push me away and pull me back in, and I was always dancing to her tune and apologizing.

 

Now I have my freedom, no one to answer too or argue with, my time is my own and I can start improving myself, not just from lessons learned, but getting time back with friends who I used to not go out with, because I wanted to be with my ex instead. Sure I miss her and sometimes feel down, I'm still trying to cover a void in my life where someone once was, but going NC and keeping busy is the key.

 

Sometimes you need to cut off the toe to save the leg.

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lonelyplanetmoon
I can't be sure, but if he is only blaming you and hasn't quite said the words then it very likely could be breadcrumbs, especially if he just initiated the second breakup. Another concern is that he is blaming you. Therefore you will feel all the pressure to make sure you change yourself to match what he wants and he gets to do whatever he wants. You're right, it will only work if both parties agree to work on their issues. Ive been through that been before and you can guess which one of us was willing to work on our issues. So it didn't end up working out for a third time.

 

Yes the first bu we had, he also blamed me and so i tried to change. But it felt like it was all on me. And our love felt so wrong. I was feeling like I was begging him for his love. It did not feel like he gave it freely.

In the end he did not feel that I did enough, hence our second bu.

 

I have been reading rebuilding when your relationship ends by Bruce Fisher. Omg eye opener....

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Yes the first bu we had, he also blamed me and so i tried to change. But it felt like it was all on me. And our love felt so wrong. I was feeling like I was begging him for his love. It did not feel like he gave it freely.

In the end he did not feel that I did enough, hence our second bu.

 

I have been reading rebuilding when your relationship ends by Bruce Fisher. Omg eye opener....

 

 

I hear that and I was also in the same position. Once you look back it really seems like an obviously bad relationship if you have to be someone else to please the other. But I know that during the painful times (like now) it seems like a great solution. Everyone stays on the best behaviour for a short period of time:(

 

I will definitely check out that book, thanks for the suggestion

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Going to start using this thread as a diary of sorts. As per usual really finding that the words of others on this site really helps.

 

To bring anyone up to speed. BU was about two and a half months ago. I first went very strong NC, kept super busy with all the things I love. He was still on my mind 24/7 and I was in so much pain but I was committed to seeing this breakup through afterall it was our third time. He reached out later on to tie up some house things and then started messaging me really strong, "i love you's" "wish you were here" super flirty. I caved and fell for it. It just erased the pain and felt so good to fall back into our routine.

 

This continued for a couple weeks and I got tired of the fact that there was all talk, never any action. It made me more sad he didn't make any effort to see me. I brought this up and he said its because he thought it was a good idea to take things slow, see and talk here and there. That was kind of it for me. I could not be placed on the back burner and clearly we were not in the same place mentally. Although we had some really great talks about how we both hadn't moved on and weren't even thinking of dating, it hurt too much so I decided to tell him we couldn't talk anymore.

 

That was a week ago, and the pain is comparable to the actual breakup. But before I had resolved to seeing it through and moving on but now I am back in a place of hope and depression. I can't seem to conceive how my life will be moving forward. I'm scared to go out to the places I love because we enjoy the same things and so far I have already seen him three times by accident. I don't want to isolate myself but I'm not at the point where I can go out and enjoy things again.

 

Any suggestions on how to release myself from this mental prison are welcome:) (I'm going to the gym right now so hopefully that helps).

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My BU was 3 months ago, with the last 2 being NC.

 

I'm so close to breaking NC and messaging her to see how she is and to maybe try and get us back together, even though it's been 3 months, I broke up with her and at the time I knew she was no good for me... I even thought about messaging her mother to ask how she was and should I try and reconcile with her daughter, as I don't want to upset her if she has moved on... Crazy, no!! My mind and heart is torn.

 

I can't bring myself to message her because I think I know in my gut it's a fools errand and I'll just put myself back where I started, and throwing away 3 months of healing, but I want her back so much... even after how she treated me. I'm trying to justify her actions by saying I was to rash to leave and should of done more to understand etc.

 

My head is a minefield.

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My BU was 3 months ago, with the last 2 being NC.

 

I'm so close to breaking NC and messaging her to see how she is and to maybe try and get us back together, even though it's been 3 months, I broke up with her and at the time I knew she was no good for me... I even thought about messaging her mother to ask how she was and should I try and reconcile with her daughter, as I don't want to upset her if she has moved on... Crazy, no!! My mind and heart is torn.

 

I can't bring myself to message her because I think I know in my gut it's a fools errand and I'll just put myself back where I started, and throwing away 3 months of healing, but I want her back so much... even after how she treated me. I'm trying to justify her actions by saying I was to rash to leave and should of done more to understand etc.

 

My head is a minefield.

 

Ug MarvelFan Im so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's a constant battle everyday isn't it. I wrote out many heartfelt letters last week that I was determined to send. But I keep screenshots of conversations we've had that remind me of the fact that I deserve better. It helps in moments of weakness. I haven't sent that letter yet and Im starting to feel that I won't. My friends ask, what do you want to get out of sending the letter. And of course it would be to get back together, but really is that what I want? Not now anyways. We would really need significant time to become the people that we need each other to be. Or else we're doomed to repeat everything once again. Im having a really good day today. Yesterday I cried almost every second hour. As they say it comes and goes. Today is a really strong day and I'm glad I never sent that letter. Sit on yours, and try to keep focusing on your life without her in it. Maybe one day, but if not you will still be ok.

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Ug MarvelFan Im so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's a constant battle everyday isn't it. I wrote out many heartfelt letters last week that I was determined to send. But I keep screenshots of conversations we've had that remind me of the fact that I deserve better. It helps in moments of weakness. I haven't sent that letter yet and Im starting to feel that I won't. My friends ask, what do you want to get out of sending the letter. And of course it would be to get back together, but really is that what I want? Not now anyways. We would really need significant time to become the people that we need each other to be. Or else we're doomed to repeat everything once again. Im having a really good day today. Yesterday I cried almost every second hour. As they say it comes and goes. Today is a really strong day and I'm glad I never sent that letter. Sit on yours, and try to keep focusing on your life without her in it. Maybe one day, but if not you will still be ok.

Thank you, for your kind words, noun123.

 

I have written out load of messages, in my notes on my phone. Whenever I read over them, contemplating whether to send them, I sound so grovelly, but then again I did break up with her, because of how she treated me. And even when thinking about reconciling with her, I'm grovelling, like I did when we were together, it's kind of pathetic really.

 

When I have left breadcrumbs in the past for her on twitter (she very rarely uses it) about me saying how much I miss her and want to get back with her, hoping she will see, after a few hours I removed the tweet, as I think to myself, is this really what I want.

 

If I really wanted to be with her, and I really wanted her back, I would have sent the messages by now, but I just can't bring myself to do it,and I think it's a mixture of I'm to scared too and the fact that i know realistically, it wouldn't work long term with us.

 

I deserve better and I deserve respect, not someone who enjoys a push pull relationship, who likes to wear the trousers and talk down to me. I don't understand why I want that drama and her back in my life, but my Mum says, as an example, it's like going back to an abusive relationship and you wonder why people do it, and she doesn't want me slipping in to that pattern. I'm just lonely and guilty. I keep thinking I should have given her a chance and I should have been more understanding... So I'm punishing myself rather than blaming her... I'm blaming myself.

 

I wake up missing her, and try to keep busy with the gym, Xbox and work, so my head is occupied. I had a whole week of being on cloud nine and week down in the dumps, but the longer I hang in there, the stronger I get. I look forward to thinking about the future, free to do what I want, I just need to focus on that.

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Looking at all your posts I don't see any where you say you blocked him in any possible way.

The No contact ordeal starts with blocking someone so that you can force yourself to not talk to someone again...especially someone that did all those things to you. You are still open to receiving messages from him so in my opinion you didnt even start the grieving or moving on process. Seriously just remove it all

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Thank you, for your kind words, noun123.

 

I have written out load of messages, in my notes on my phone. Whenever I read over them, contemplating whether to send them, I sound so grovelly, but then again I did break up with her, because of how she treated me. And even when thinking about reconciling with her, I'm grovelling, like I did when we were together, it's kind of pathetic really.

 

When I have left breadcrumbs in the past for her on twitter (she very rarely uses it) about me saying how much I miss her and want to get back with her, hoping she will see, after a few hours I removed the tweet, as I think to myself, is this really what I want.

 

If I really wanted to be with her, and I really wanted her back, I would have sent the messages by now, but I just can't bring myself to do it,and I think it's a mixture of I'm to scared too and the fact that i know realistically, it wouldn't work long term with us.

 

I deserve better and I deserve respect, not someone who enjoys a push pull relationship, who likes to wear the trousers and talk down to me. I don't understand why I want that drama and her back in my life, but my Mum says, as an example, it's like going back to an abusive relationship and you wonder why people do it, and she doesn't want me slipping in to that pattern. I'm just lonely and guilty. I keep thinking I should have given her a chance and I should have been more understanding... So I'm punishing myself rather than blaming her... I'm blaming myself.

 

I wake up missing her, and try to keep busy with the gym, Xbox and work, so my head is occupied. I had a whole week of being on cloud nine and week down in the dumps, but the longer I hang in there, the stronger I get. I look forward to thinking about the future, free to do what I want, I just need to focus on that.

 

I know its hard but sounds like your head is in the right place MarvelFan. You're thinking logically although I know its so hard not to cave into the sadness. I still have my letters but have not yet sent, I think about it everyday. Sometimes, like today its a stronger pull to send it but then I think about how I also deserve someone that wants to work for it, I shouldn't be the one doing all of the work. Its really hard but we both have to believe that we deserve better.

 

I had a pretty strong week but I definitely feel weak in some moments and want to reach out. But I'm going to keep at being strong and see where I get in a couple weeks.

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I know its hard but sounds like your head is in the right place MarvelFan. You're thinking logically although I know its so hard not to cave into the sadness. I still have my letters but have not yet sent, I think about it everyday. Sometimes, like today its a stronger pull to send it but then I think about how I also deserve someone that wants to work for it, I shouldn't be the one doing all of the work. Its really hard but we both have to believe that we deserve better.

 

I had a pretty strong week but I definitely feel weak in some moments and want to reach out. But I'm going to keep at being strong and see where I get in a couple weeks.

Today I really want to ask some friends, (who are still friends with her on FB), to tell me if she misses me or how she is, and I know I have to be strong enough not to ask, because either way I'll get hurt, and if she did still miss me, I'd be more tempted to reach out. These friends never tell me what she says anyway, so if they are still on her friends list breadcrumb purposes, my ex won't get anywhere anyway.

 

It didn't help I dreamed about her last night, and even in my dream when we reconciled, I felt a bit iffy about it, even then.

 

In my head I'm like, 'The longer I leave it, the less chance I have to get back with her', so I should message her ASAP, but I can't bring myself to message her, so in a way, I'm keeping us apart, which is a good thing, I guess.

 

Breakups are never easy, and its easy for people to say, 'It's been X months now, you should have moved on', and lord knows my family are fed up of me going on about it after 3 1/2 months, but I just feel in an emotional limbo between happy and sad, over someone I miss, who really, wasn't good for me, and then I second guess myself.

 

When everyone sings from the same hymn sheet in regards to my family and a few friends, about an ex and their actions, they can't all be wrong, but I persist in second guessing myself and thinking, are they all wrong, she wasn't that bad, surely. Even with my list of reasons why I left her, I still feel like I should have given her a chance, as no relationship is perfect.

 

Urgh, I'm tired of feeling like this.

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Today I really want to ask some friends, (who are still friends with her on FB), to tell me if she misses me or how she is, and I know I have to be strong enough not to ask, because either way I'll get hurt, and if she did still miss me, I'd be more tempted to reach out. These friends never tell me what she says anyway, so if they are still on her friends list breadcrumb purposes, my ex won't get anywhere anyway.

 

It didn't help I dreamed about her last night, and even in my dream when we reconciled, I felt a bit iffy about it, even then.

Wow, that's saying something isn't it?? I have dreams of him every single night. Its weird because I had some right after the breakup then nothing but for the last month they are every night. Makes it harder when you have these dreams and feel happy but then have to wake up to the hurt tomorrow.

 

In my head I'm like, 'The longer I leave it, the less chance I have to get back with her', so I should message her ASAP, but I can't bring myself to message her, so in a way, I'm keeping us apart, which is a good thing, I guess.

It's like you are reading my mind, I go through the exact same process everyday. I'm so scared I will lose him if I don't say something but then I tell myself I deserve some effort and it takes two people to make this work. I shouldn't be the only working for this. So if I say that enough to myself it stops me from sending the note. But trust me it is so hard. I think about sending the message constantly so its always a battle with myself.

 

Breakups are never easy, and its easy for people to say, 'It's been X months now, you should have moved on', and lord knows my family are fed up of me going on about it after 3 1/2 months, but I just feel in an emotional limbo between happy and sad, over someone I miss, who really, wasn't good for me, and then I second guess myself.

Yep I feel the same way, like people are getting tired of talking about it with me. But it's what I need and I know most people understand but that's why this place is extra helpful. I'm trying to talk less about it, I feel like I might be getting myself stuck by constantly obsessing so I'm trying to train my mind to think of other things. Right now it seems impossible but I know it takes time.

 

When everyone sings from the same hymn sheet in regards to my family and a few friends, about an ex and their actions, they can't all be wrong, but I persist in second guessing myself and thinking, are they all wrong, she wasn't that bad, surely. Even with my list of reasons why I left her, I still feel like I should have given her a chance, as no relationship is perfect.

Ugggh, I hear you! Months ago I thought this was exactly what I wanted, but now that it's happened and the pain has set in you begin to second guess your thoughts. This is so completely normal, we just have to keep DRILLING it into our brains why we thought this was a good idea. Our hearts are leading right now but Im really hoping the brain takes over soon.

 

Urgh, I'm tired of feeling like this.

 

We are going to get through this.

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We are going to get through this.
I'm sure we will, and chatting to you and others in this thread, and sharing our experiences, really has been a great comfort, knowing I'm not alone and we can all support each other.

 

The more I talk about it, the more it helps and the more I talk about it with my family, the more they remind me how bad she was for me, then after a good long chat with them, I feel happy and right as rain. Though at some stage, I know I'll have to stop talking about her in order to properly move on.

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I'm sure we will, and chatting to you and others in this thread, and sharing our experiences, really has been a great comfort, knowing I'm not alone and we can all support each other.

 

The more I talk about it, the more it helps and the more I talk about it with my family, the more they remind me how bad she was for me, then after a good long chat with them, I feel happy and right as rain. Though at some stage, I know I'll have to stop talking about her in order to properly move on.

 

I agree. Please feel free to message anytime! I know its been really helpful coming here and discussing with others going through the same thing. I had a hard day today. It usually hits the worst when weekends come. Wondering what they are up to. I had been keeping really busy at the beginning of summer but now it feels like my plans have slowed down so I have a lot more time to think about things which is NOT what I need. I keep going between sending the message and not. Again its that thing that I think I'll lose him if I don't but it shouldn't be that easy to lose him. Also I know that we both need time if we really wanted to fix any issues. So either one of two things will happen. He'll work on what he needs to work on then come back to me(unlikely) or we will take the time we need and both move on. Sad to think of the latter but of course that's the most likely situation.

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I agree. Please feel free to message anytime! I know its been really helpful coming here and discussing with others going through the same thing. I had a hard day today. It usually hits the worst when weekends come. Wondering what they are up to. I had been keeping really busy at the beginning of summer but now it feels like my plans have slowed down so I have a lot more time to think about things which is NOT what I need. I keep going between sending the message and not. Again its that thing that I think I'll lose him if I don't but it shouldn't be that easy to lose him. Also I know that we both need time if we really wanted to fix any issues. So either one of two things will happen. He'll work on what he needs to work on then come back to me(unlikely) or we will take the time we need and both move on. Sad to think of the latter but of course that's the most likely situation.

I find weekends are the hardest for me too, as that was our time we always spent together, and now I have to try and find stuff to keep my busy, so a I don't dwell on missing her. I used to cook us dinners, go to the park with my kids and her etc. But you know, even when I look back at the weekends we spent together, we didn't do much, but just having someone to snuggle on the sofa was lovely.

 

When I think about messaging her (I haven't over the last couple of days) or will she message me (I know she won't 100%), I read the Giving Second Chances Thread, on this message board, and it makes me realise how, even if I did really want us to get back together and make it work, in all likelihood, it never will. Here is the link, if you're interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/631987-have-you-ever-given-ex-second-chance

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Feeling the same. Weekends are super hard for me too. Miss so much waking up with someone & planning the day, or just lounging around together. And the knowing he's doing that with someone else is practically unbearable! Ugh. So over feeling like this. Hang in there. We'll muster through.

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