How I Screwed Up My Best Relationship

[Greenhawk84]

I posted this on Quora so I wanted to share here in case anyone wanted to shake their head at me. I would like to add a few more details. It has been 4 months since my break up. I spent a year with this woman and I absolutely love her and miss her each day. I do not have anything bad to say about her unlike past relationships. I do hope she is OK and happy, but I wish I could be with her again. I just had another dream last night where I simply caught up with her talking. This post focuses on what I did wrong, not what was wonderful and amazing about this relationship. I had such an amazing summer last year with her. She was there for me when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I am sick every day with regret and missing her. :sick:

 

 

 

Quora Post:

"In what ways did you contribute to the breakup of a relationship? Where did you fall short?"

 

 

My most recent break up was definitely mostly my fault. I finally lost a woman I was very happy with. She was so great, actually, it’s still hard on me today.

 

 

My selfishness and ignorance chipped away at her for a while. I didn’t show up as a man for some things either. I didn’t know the damage I was doing to the relationship. I wish I knew it were so critical, so I could work on the problems. Our communication was poor. We texted ALL DAY and I helped to perpetuate that by not tapping the brakes. Very important topics were texted and it was a ****ing mess in the end. There needed to be more in person discussions and normal time away from communicating all the time.

 

 

Just about every week she would ask me to stay at her apartment. We would get back to her place from wherever we went and I would typically leave by maybe 1AM or so. She would ask me to stay and I would turn her down. I felt bad and I knew this was disappointing her. I also didn’t know it was beyond disappointment; it was literally killing our relationship. I tried to sleep there a couple times before but failed to sleep, so I left in the middle of the night around 3 or 4AM. I would try to tap her and say “I’m sorry babe I just can’t sleep, I’m going to head home and sleep.” The last time I did that I was dumped in 48 hours. This was me not showing up as a man. I tried to tell her the reasons why: the cats were jumping off the bed and keeping me awake, the lights were left on in the living room for her roommate to come home and the door open for the cats, and I wasn’t use to her bed. All the little things adding up to me not sleeping. I could have been more of a man and turned the lights off or maybe brought one of my own blankets to keep me more comfy. There were plenty of alternatives than to just leave her at night. My communication sucked. My self-sabotage was saying “No, you won’t sleep well, don’t even try.” I am also still living with my parents, so her staying here would make me feel weird and embarrassed. The solution to this would be to live together but we never got there. I am determined to be fully independent and get out of my parents house, this just cannot happen anymore.

 

 

My self-sabotaging, closed mind also prevented me from doing some of the things she wanted to do. She wanted to ice-skate, but instead of happily obliging I came up with reasons to not try it. I never did it before and I was scared to twist an ankle. What the **** is wrong with me? I have anxiety about stupid little stuff that I can’t look at it for what it really is and just do it. I was clouded by selfishness too and made it about me instead of her happiness. She had grand desires to travel and see places like Japan. While this is great, my logical mind rained on her parade with “That sounds expensive” and “What about that nuclear melt down in Japan?”

 

 

I have no experience camping. I don’t come from a family who enjoys the outdoors much nor do I have friends who invite me camping. My ex loves the outdoors and camping. I am totally interested in camping, I just don’t know much of what I am doing with it. She use to tease me because I would rather have a cabin than a tent. The “real” camping is done with a tent in a random spot. I get it, I would try it, but she lost faith since I already gave her the impression that I was stuck in my ways and not willing to try. All that needed to happen was communication such as “Yes camping sounds fun, I don’t have much experience, but I would love to try it out with you.” I’m sorry, I’m not really the “manly man” who can camp and it’s probably something I should know how to do. I love fishing, shooting guns, hiking, and exploring, so I know I have the skills to make a fire and pitch a ****ing tent.

 

 

She grew up much differently than I and barely had a solid childhood with Birthday parties or an attentive family unit. Her Dad was missing for most of her life with his addictions. Her Mom was out doing her own thing still wanting to have fun and meet new men. There was a good amount of abandonment and neglect in her life, while my life was mostly loving and nurturing being an only child with a solid family unit. I mentioned to her that “We grew up differently” to help understand her views and my views, her feelings and my feelings, but she took it the wrong way. It was of course OVER TEXT so it was misconstrued. These text follies make me want to throw my phone into space and travel back to 1980 when relationships were without technology.

 

 

In the end, she unfortunately text me to break up. Surprising right? Well instead of simply saying “We should not text this, let me meet you soon and we can talk about what you’re feeling” I started fighting with her over TEXT. I was out with my friends on our weekly dart league so I was texting the **** out of her and fighting. She gave me the reasons I explained earlier and I said they were stupid and we shouldn’t break up over them. My selfish attitude was quick to judge her with reasoning and logic instead of considering her emotions. I was only throwing it back in her face instead of being the supportive guy I know I can be.

My second chance was quickly demolished by me bothering her and getting into more arguments since she wanted space and requested it from me. She refused to talk to me because I was getting too heated and sometimes offensive out of frustration. She refused to see me in person to work it out. I did not make her feel safe and comfortable anymore. My heartbroken distress mode turned me into a different person. The aftermath of my utter failure to respond and take care of this situation properly ended up getting me blocked on every account and shut down completely. It has forced me to look at myself, find out what I did wrong, and why I need to take care of this behavior before it ****s another relationship up.

 

 

Anxious, selfish, self-sabotaging.

 

 

I beat myself over the head with regret.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Greenhawk84
Formatting

[Goodguy05]

I posted this on Quora so I wanted to share here in case anyone wanted to shake their head at me. I would like to add a few more details. It has been 4 months since my break up. I spent a year with this woman and I absolutely love her and miss her each day. I do not have anything bad to say about her unlike past relationships. I do hope she is OK and happy, but I wish I could be with her again. I just had another dream last night where I simply caught up with her talking. This post focuses on what I did wrong, not what was wonderful and amazing about this relationship. I had such an amazing summer last year with her. She was there for me when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I am sick every day with regret and missing her. :sick:

 

 

 

Quora Post:

"In what ways did you contribute to the breakup of a relationship? Where did you fall short?"

 

 

My most recent break up was definitely mostly my fault. I finally lost a woman I was very happy with. She was so great, actually, it’s still hard on me today.

 

 

My selfishness and ignorance chipped away at her for a while. I didn’t show up as a man for some things either. I didn’t know the damage I was doing to the relationship. I wish I knew it were so critical, so I could work on the problems. Our communication was poor. We texted ALL DAY and I helped to perpetuate that by not tapping the brakes. Very important topics were texted and it was a ****ing mess in the end. There needed to be more in person discussions and normal time away from communicating all the time.

 

 

Just about every week she would ask me to stay at her apartment. We would get back to her place from wherever we went and I would typically leave by maybe 1AM or so. She would ask me to stay and I would turn her down. I felt bad and I knew this was disappointing her. I also didn’t know it was beyond disappointment; it was literally killing our relationship. I tried to sleep there a couple times before but failed to sleep, so I left in the middle of the night around 3 or 4AM. I would try to tap her and say “I’m sorry babe I just can’t sleep, I’m going to head home and sleep.” The last time I did that I was dumped in 48 hours. This was me not showing up as a man. I tried to tell her the reasons why: the cats were jumping off the bed and keeping me awake, the lights were left on in the living room for her roommate to come home and the door open for the cats, and I wasn’t use to her bed. All the little things adding up to me not sleeping. I could have been more of a man and turned the lights off or maybe brought one of my own blankets to keep me more comfy. There were plenty of alternatives than to just leave her at night. My communication sucked. My self-sabotage was saying “No, you won’t sleep well, don’t even try.” I am also still living with my parents, so her staying here would make me feel weird and embarrassed. The solution to this would be to live together but we never got there. I am determined to be fully independent and get out of my parents house, this just cannot happen anymore.

 

 

My self-sabotaging, closed mind also prevented me from doing some of the things she wanted to do. She wanted to ice-skate, but instead of happily obliging I came up with reasons to not try it. I never did it before and I was scared to twist an ankle. What the **** is wrong with me? I have anxiety about stupid little stuff that I can’t look at it for what it really is and just do it. I was clouded by selfishness too and made it about me instead of her happiness. She had grand desires to travel and see places like Japan. While this is great, my logical mind rained on her parade with “That sounds expensive” and “What about that nuclear melt down in Japan?”

 

 

I have no experience camping. I don’t come from a family who enjoys the outdoors much nor do I have friends who invite me camping. My ex loves the outdoors and camping. I am totally interested in camping, I just don’t know much of what I am doing with it. She use to tease me because I would rather have a cabin than a tent. The “real” camping is done with a tent in a random spot. I get it, I would try it, but she lost faith since I already gave her the impression that I was stuck in my ways and not willing to try. All that needed to happen was communication such as “Yes camping sounds fun, I don’t have much experience, but I would love to try it out with you.” I’m sorry, I’m not really the “manly man” who can camp and it’s probably something I should know how to do. I love fishing, shooting guns, hiking, and exploring, so I know I have the skills to make a fire and pitch a ****ing tent.

 

 

She grew up much differently than I and barely had a solid childhood with Birthday parties or an attentive family unit. Her Dad was missing for most of her life with his addictions. Her Mom was out doing her own thing still wanting to have fun and meet new men. There was a good amount of abandonment and neglect in her life, while my life was mostly loving and nurturing being an only child with a solid family unit. I mentioned to her that “We grew up differently” to help understand her views and my views, her feelings and my feelings, but she took it the wrong way. It was of course OVER TEXT so it was misconstrued. These text follies make me want to throw my phone into space and travel back to 1980 when relationships were without technology.

 

 

In the end, she unfortunately text me to break up. Surprising right? Well instead of simply saying “We should not text this, let me meet you soon and we can talk about what you’re feeling” I started fighting with her over TEXT. I was out with my friends on our weekly dart league so I was texting the **** out of her and fighting. She gave me the reasons I explained earlier and I said they were stupid and we shouldn’t break up over them. My selfish attitude was quick to judge her with reasoning and logic instead of considering her emotions. I was only throwing it back in her face instead of being the supportive guy I know I can be.

My second chance was quickly demolished by me bothering her and getting into more arguments since she wanted space and requested it from me. She refused to talk to me because I was getting too heated and sometimes offensive out of frustration. She refused to see me in person to work it out. I did not make her feel safe and comfortable anymore. My heartbroken distress mode turned me into a different person. The aftermath of my utter failure to respond and take care of this situation properly ended up getting me blocked on every account and shut down completely. It has forced me to look at myself, find out what I did wrong, and why I need to take care of this behavior before it ****s another relationship up.

 

 

Anxious, selfish, self-sabotaging.

 

 

I beat myself over the head with regret.

 

 

Dude its great that u have a self awareness and of what u did but I do think u r being just a little too hard on ureself.

Some of these things are superficial like the camping and not sleeping over her house.

They're not real deal breakers not in my eyes. Me and my ex sheesh she put up wth a lot more and I too put up a lot wth her. I'd be out cycling all day and then only went out at night anyway wat im getting at is we lasted 6 yrs and we had far more of that going on then u and ur gf did. I couldn't or wouldn't sleep at her place sometimes for similar reasons and she was the same because of dust at my place however I must say sometimes I wish she would have stayed others not so much because if she was restless neither of us got any sleep dude realise it is not all ur fault. Wthout knowing the ins and outs of ur relationship it's usually one person can't see it working and leaves. That was me too wth my ex but she pulled the final trigger for good. Sometimes we are not meant to be and one of us sees sense we just can't at the moment. Don't be so hard on ureself sure take some lessons out of this for ureself mainly the way it was at the end wen she wanted to split but it's ok to vent to.

In this case u left nothing unsaid right? Even if ud been really nice like i was in the split it doesn't increase ur chances of them coming back or reconciling take if from my own most recent break up experience it's been 10 mths not a peep and I was very apologetic and left it at that and never contacted her. But my ex wife yrs before this one was back n forth because key thing here she decided she wanted to come back to me and try. Take it easy bro ok please try and have a more balanced perspective of why ur relationship didn't work it takes two to tango and it's usually not just one person's fault.

 

Try and think of some of the things that may have triggered u what did she do or say to contribute to ur arguments or disagreements.

Thank God ur u u wanna have ur own thoughts on what u wanna do and if going to a log cabin rather than staying in a tent is ur thing then for Gods sake dude thats ok thats not something someone ends a relationship over or if they do it was never realy that solid to begin wth. That is so superficial it's not funny u r an individual entitled to ur own thoughts and tastes.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Greenhawk84]

Thank you for that perspective. I try not to whip myself but I feel like the responsibility was so heavy on me because of me being so closed minded sometimes.

 

 

There are some days where I feel like she left me without working on it like my teammate and companion but I still know that how I acted turned her totally off.

 

 

What triggered me in the end was the simple fact that she was breaking up with me for these reasons. I did not step back to listen and process her feelings toward me. My protest behavior was very much a reaction. What triggered me was that I wanted to see her so badly but she refused to see me. I wanted to look her in the eyes and express to each other all this stuff. The last time I saw her I had no idea was the last time.

 

 

My friends tell me I "choose to feel this way" but I don't know how to "choose" my feelings of missing her and regrets. It just has to fade out and I feel awful for bothering my friends until they throw up their hands like "Dude, this is ridiculous." I been to therapy and maybe I should go back.. it is just so expensive.

[mike.c]

Reading this I feel like you're describing my situation, except in mine I initiated the breakup. Even the ice-skating thing. I too have anxieties and weird little things (like it's hard for me to eat in public sometimes), but she accepted me the way I was and I accepted her. Except she had no flaws, she was perfect.

 

The breakup was brutal, it went on and on as I couldn't bring myself to definitely end it because I lacked experience. I'd text her to see me and then I'd try to explain why I still want to break up with her, it was ridiculous. Finally she texted me to make up my f*cking mind if I'm a man. That shut me up. I still did it.

 

Year and a half later, I came to terms with most of my mental issues and emotional inavailability and I realised I just love her so damn much. Tried to fix it, found out she's with another dude and has been for a year. She wants nothing to do with me. I feel like I f*cked myself over once again, because I couldn't man up.

 

Unlike you, I can't stop whipping myself, so consider yourself lucky that the responsibility was not all yours.

[Greenhawk84]

Now I can see how there is a lot more that can damage a relationship other than cheating and lying. She use to tell me she loved me every day and that this stuff wasn't a deal breaker, so I was unaware of the severity. I guess one of her mistakes was the communication of how she felt about my shortcomings and what I could do to change it. I can definitely learn from this failure, but I really wished I could learn and grow with her. I didn't feel like it was unforgiveable or unresolvable. I guess it just turns a woman off totally to the point of no return when it gets ****ty enough. I still never understood hearing "I love you so much" every day, even 2 days before the break-up. I am 32 and she is 25, I forgot to mention.

[niji]

There are some days where I feel like she left me without working on it like my teammate and companion but I still know that how I acted turned her totally off.

 

You reminded me of my experience with my ex. I loved him too and wanted to work things out with him; however due to me being unable to bring up these problems in a straightforward manner, I grew frustrated and eventually lost all feelings for him. A much better way would have been talking to him and not backing down until we both work on a solution. We were so young so we couldn't maneuver through our differences. At least next time, you'll know how to communicate better; it really is the determining factor in most relationships. Not knowing how to communicate effectively, and there will be no feelings left, just resentment, bottling up feelings, and bitterness.

 

Yes, I do think you need to open yourself up to more opportunities. If I heard your concern about Japan, it would probably throw me off a bit. People IN JAPAN have kids, and their kids are not deformed or anything. You can briefly read the Wikipedia article "Radiation effects from the Fu_kushima Daiichi nuclear disaster" (leave out the _ - LS wouldn't let me spell out Fu-kushima 8-\ ). TL;DR: even within the immediate ***ushima area, there are no statistics showing the event caused any health threat to the population. Or this blog, on a travel blogger explaining that the radiation in Tohoku (region where ***ushima belongs to) has LESS radiation than in Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia), which is just an industrious city with no radiation event. Next time, before you get freaked out by things the media portrays, do a quick Internet search and see for yourself what other sources are saying out there.

 

I guess I took a long time to explain these things because for me, some of the things you describe are minor, but refusing to try new things would be a dealbreaker for me. Overall, I think just by becoming more open-minded and willing to try more things, it will make you a happier person by yourself, and will undoubtedly help you find more fulfilling relationships

Edited July 17, 2017 by niji

[Greenhawk84]

Next time, before you get freaked out by things the media portrays, do a quick Internet search and see for yourself what other sources are saying out there.

 

I guess I took a long time to explain these things because for me, some of the things you describe are minor, but refusing to try new things would be a dealbreaker for me. Overall, I think just by becoming more open-minded and willing to try more things, it will make you a happier person by yourself, and will undoubtedly help you find more fulfilling relationships

 

This is where my regret sets in hard. I know these things are easily solved and easily turned around after my hindsight shows me how silly I was being. My Uncle told me the same thing about Japan, that it is mostly safe, especially to just to visit (not so logical of me then, more like irrational). I know I am capable of being open and making a little sacrifice of my interests for my partners interest. She just wants to do something fun and have me along with her out of enjoyment of being with me. Boy did I screw up..

Edited July 17, 2017 by Greenhawk84

[kortz]

This is where my regret sets in hard. I know these things are easily solved and easily turned around after my hindsight shows me how silly I was being. My Uncle told me the same thing about Japan, that it is mostly safe, especially to just to visit (not so logical of me then, more like irrational). I know I am capable of being open and making a little sacrifice of my interests for my partners interest. She just wants to do something fun and have me along with her out of enjoyment of being with me. Boy did I screw up..

 

Don't beat yourself up about this. A lot of us are the same and have our routines and ways of life and once we settle in a comfortable relationship we can become a bit stubborn. I did similar things in my last relationship although they didn't lead to us breaking up, I do regret not being more open minded and not prioritizing my partners happiness over dumb things like work and other life events. For example she loved to travel, and I love travelling with her however I blew her off when she wanted to go away for a week with her friends because I work was too important at that moment in time...she was annoyed and i should have made it up to her later on by going away with her but again, work was busy and I was so stuck in my ways that the world would end if I took a few days off! So we didn't end up going anywhere for a long time which on some level I'm sure she realised.

 

Now our reasons for breaking up were not because of this...but I did lots of little things like you (not staying over as much as I should have, being a bit lazy and routine, not as open minded as I should have been) which I'm sure on some unconscious level led to her thinking this relationship has run its course. She didn't state any of these as reasons, but looking back I do regret not giving it my all because maybe if she was happier things would have been different...or not, could have turned out the same!

 

Point is...learn from this for your future relationships and don't be too hard on yourself. At the end of the day even if you did everything you could have done the relationship might not have lasted all the same.

[Greenhawk84]

Point is...learn from this for your future relationships and don't be too hard on yourself. At the end of the day even if you did everything you could have done the relationship might not have lasted all the same.

 

I know, I'm learning the hard way. Every day is a struggle for me because I know who I lost. My problem is that it took me a long time to find a woman like her and I am so scared that she has set the bar too high. I wouldn't regret so much and beat myself to death if I didn't lose someone I thought the world of. It's been 4 months.. every day for 4 months now.

[salparadise]

It's one thing to be introspective and explore how you can be a better partner in a relationship... but you're going way, way beyond that with the blaming, shaming and self-loathing. It's not healthy or realistic to think that you should be able to transform yourself into a woman's definition of perfect. It's important to be authentic and comfortable in your own skin too. Being a pleaser/appeaser isn't attractive, and it certainly won't keep guarantee relationship success.

 

When a woman leaves you, it doesn't mean you weren't good enough. In fact, it often means that she was unable to sustain, be satisfied, tolerate vulnerability or a number of other feelings that weren't actually about you... even if she tries to convince you and herself that it was all your fault.

 

You should concentrate on loving and accepting yourself, and be more aware and realistic with regard to relationship sustainability. You can improve yourself, of course, but you can't become someone else, the perfect person, or transform into anyone's idealized notions. You should be looking for balance and self-acceptance now.

[Greenhawk84]

You can improve yourself, of course, but you can't become someone else, the perfect person, or transform into anyone's idealized notions. You should be looking for balance and self-acceptance now.

 

 

I agree, I have to be myself, just a better version. I need to be a more open minded and less selfish version of myself. I definitely do not think it takes a total personality change to do what your partner likes to do sometimes. It wasn't often she requested I do something of her idea. To me this is simple stuff, ice-skating, etc. Being a pleaser is not my goal at all. I am already a pretty pleasing guy for my girlfriend. My core shouldn't change and if I truly don't like something I'm not going to pretend I do. I am talking about the irrational fear of doing something new or stepping away from my comfort zone for a few moments that my partner wants from me.

[kortz]

I know, I'm learning the hard way. Every day is a struggle for me because I know who I lost. My problem is that it took me a long time to find a woman like her and I am so scared that she has set the bar too high. I wouldn't regret so much and beat myself to death if I didn't lose someone I thought the world of. It's been 4 months.. every day for 4 months now.

 

Hey man I totally hear you, the girl I described was the same for me...frankly she was the best relationship and partner I've ever had so I fully understand the regret you feel and self blame you're going through. I did exactly the same. It's tough and it sucks but there are two great things I've learnt from this forum which I regularly remind myself of and have helped me through:

 

1. You can't change the past. But even if you could, or if you did things differently, there is absolutely no guarantee that it would have worked out anyway. It's a hard fact but it just wasn't meant to be.

 

2. People need to cut their teeth on a few relationships before they're emotionally and mentally aware and ready for the real deal. It's all a learning process and we all go through ups and downs that build us into the people who eventually meet our future partners. It's not always the case but for the majority I think it applies. So it's important you learn from this and take those learnings into your next relationship. Understand that this is all part of the bumpy life journey that you and everyone else is on.

Edited July 18, 2017 by kortz

[Spartakooty]

I agree with others. You're being too hard on yourself. That fact is, you two came from very different backgrounds and on some level you just couldn't relate. My ex and I were like this in a way. Raised differently, nurtured differently. We all want to related to each other's past in a way that makes us feel connected, comfortable and understood. My ex too said she couldn't feel at ease or comfortable with me. I felt we could have worked through it, but nope, not to her at least...and she was probably right. She (and I) need to find something that functions at our respective mental and emotional level...someone who has the maturity to accept each of us for who we are. Our past shapes who we are at a mental level so it's more than likely you two simply weren't compatible. You like your comfort zone, she likes fewer boundaries. Nothing wrong with either but tough to find middle ground. Not everybody knows how to skate...it's not something you should feel guilty about.

[Greenhawk84]

Our past shapes who we are at a mental level so it's more than likely you two simply weren't compatible. You like your comfort zone, she likes fewer boundaries. Nothing wrong with either but tough to find middle ground. Not everybody knows how to skate...it's not something you should feel guilty about.

 

Actually now that I lost someone like that, I am even more attracted to someone who is adventurous. She made me see the positives in it. That is another lesson I am learning from this loss, to let go of silly irrational fears and reservations.

 

 

Being that I never ice-skated I think it would be fine if I at least tried. How would I ever know if I didn't? She wanted to jump on trampolines one night at this facility in town. I turned that down too because I self-sabotaged myself into feeling childish about doing it. How easy of an activity! To just have fun with her doing something I would never do for any other reason other than to make her happy. And instead of going along and maybe even having more fun than I imagined, I rained on her happiness. Simple happiness too. If I could go back in time and punch myself in the face and calmly say "Hey.. you know all this stuff you're [not] doing is ruining everything?"

Edited July 18, 2017 by Greenhawk84

[Spartakooty]

At the end of the day perhaps you do need to look at your approach to relationships, but my ex and I DID all those things...no prob sleeping over, skating, trampoline park...and still it didn't work. I simply suggest on some fundamental, subconscious level for you it wasn't working. Now it's gone and you want what you can't have.

[Greenhawk84]

I simply suggest on some fundamental, subconscious level for you it wasn't working. Now it's gone and you want what you can't have.

 

 

Oh boy do I ever want her back . I want her back more than anything. If I saw her today she would see my eyes immediately well-up. Which I guess is the wrong way to appear after a breakup. I am supposed to appear like I'm pretty much over it if I ever cross with her again? Not sure how the hell I can deny my intense feelings for her. I never wanted to lose her in the first place. I never expected to get that break up text.

 

 

Anyway, I feel trapped by these feelings right now. My friends and family are at the end of their ropes about it. I agree, I am insane at this point. I just hope it isn't 12+ months of this.

[Spartakooty]

It won't be 12 months. I was like you a short while ago. 3 months tops. It's a sh** 3 months but that's how it goes.

[Greenhawk84]

It won't be 12 months. I was like you a short while ago. 3 months tops. It's a sh** 3 months but that's how it goes.

 

Yes but I am on month 4. And I'll be damned if I run into another such as her anytime soon. This part about accepting and enjoying single life, I am not sure I do very well.

[trustyourself]

Yes but I am on month 4. And I'll be damned if I run into another such as her anytime soon. This part about accepting and enjoying single life, I am not sure I do very well.

 

Honestly, everyone is different. I am at just over 6 months and it still sucks. Just getting to that point where I am starting to see that she was not good for me and I can do better.

 

Still miss her every day though. Cant wait to meet someone who will blow me away and make my ex a distant memory.

[Greenhawk84]

Still miss her every day though. Cant wait to meet someone who will blow me away and make my ex a distant memory.

 

I share this enthusiasm but it seems to be overturned by my fear of finding the same satisfaction I had with my ex. This summer is pretty much a complete bummer when I remember all the cool things we did together last year. As each event passes, 4th of July, Halloween, I will remember the fun I had and how much I was loving to be with her. I know that it is possible to find that companionship again. I know that I am supposed to focus on myself and being independent from a relationship. It's just so hard to see it from the inside of the storm. The storm I fear is going to be the longest one yet from, as the title says, my best relationship.

[Greenhawk84]

I can only describe the past 4 months as utter torture and emotional agony. All for someone who is completely absent from my life. Poof, gone. Not so much a best friend I guess.. didn't love me THAT much I guess..

 

 

I still cry sometimes. It's not a vocal sobbing, more like a welling and overflowing of tears with force in my chest. It's the overflow of frustration and longing. If there is one thing I hate, it's feeling this way about someone who wants nothing to do with me.

 

 

I want her to be happy too. I don't want to be selfish and me, me, me so much. I want to ask her "Are you OK?" if I could ask her ONE thing. If she wasn't happy with me then I HAVE TO wish her happiness elsewhere. The conflict of this interest is amazing. On one hand it's like "Ok sweetheart, I understand, go find your path" and the other is like "Why can't we work on it? I thought you loved me?"

 

 

I'm still here processing it, reviewing it, and feeling the void. Well I am at least glad I can vent out here where there are others in the boat with me.

[RustCohle]

You screwed up alright but not because of the reasons you pinpointed above.

The major reason is that you were too available from the get go. And because of that availability you were expected to do some things. Like texting all day.

Also it seems she was the one initiating things and that is another huge mistake on your part. Men lead. You make plans and she follows. That's what really turns women on.

 

So instead of her telling you to go for ice skating, I would have told her "No. I don't like ice skating but we can do this[insert something] that we will both enjoy". Instead of her telling you to go over to sleep, she should have learned by now that you make the plans. For example after a dinner you should say "Let's go over to my place" then if you want her to stay after sex you tell her to stay. You let her made so many decisions that she was the man of the relationship.

 

Also bear in mind that women don't really care if you don't do stuff that they like. For example if she likes ballet it doesn't mean you should be doing ballet together. Don't bother with such trivia stuff. Women don't care about this. One of the things that make them crave you, is your leadership skills. So the problem is not that you didn't try ice skating, the problem is that you didn't make a plan for some recreational activity on your own and invited her over. You were lazy and let all the decisions to her. The problem is not that you were negative. The problem is that you let the situation force you to be negative too many times. Because women might come up with girly plans and force you to go with them if you don't lead.

 

So mark this as a mistake that you shouldn't be doing in future relationships. If a woman offers something and you really want to do then that's ok. Women will not leave you easily if you stand your ground for your wants. Women will leave you easily if you don't lead. That was your mistake.

 

And one last thing to remember. Every next relationship is almost better than the last one. So instead of beating yourself up go out and play around with some girls. No woman is going to come and find you and knock on your door to have a relationship with you by waiting. You create relationships with your actions. With no action of course you will not find something better.

[Greenhawk84]

The major reason is that you were too available from the get go. And because of that availability you were expected to do some things. Like texting all day.

Also it seems she was the one initiating things and that is another huge mistake on your part. Men lead. You make plans and she follows. That's what really turns women on.

 

I agree with you to an extent. Looking back at the beginning of our relationship, I pursued her first and created rapport. She then began the morning texts and such, pursuing me. I created dates and activities for us.

 

As an example, I planned quite a bit over the year:

I would buy us concert tickets and surprise her. Fourth of July it was the orchestra and fireworks. I planned Halloween with carving pumpkins and going to a costume party. I chose new restaurants to try and sights to see. Only sometimes she suggested things and I did do those things because I wanted to. The little things I had trouble with, as I explained in the post, well I stood my ground, but I did not reverse the plan in a positive way as you suggested. She began to complain that she is willing to go where I plan and do what I want but I didn't sacrifice enough for her. She was the type of woman that would do anything I wanted and have a good time doing it.

 

As far as the "Expectation of texting" I don't think there really was one with her. I would go a while without texting and there didn't seem to be an issue. I texted her often because like you said, I was being extremely available often. Sometimes she would ask "Why do I always say good morning, why don't you greet me sometimes?" So ehhh, perhaps some expectations? No fights ever spawned from this subject. We were just always in contact with each other by nature and I should have slowed that down.

 

In the beginning, I held off on the relationship talk until she began to give hints that she wanted to be exclusive, then I committed. If I been reading right, this was the proper way to court her. This came naturally this time for me. In my previous relationship before this one, I was doing all the chasing and wondering "What are we" and then I said "**** it." When I said that, she came right away with "I want you to be my boyfriend."

 

My recent ex called me one evening, I think maybe a few weeks before the breakup, and I had NOTHING to say. We texted all ****ing day and when I saw her name come up I felt weird. It was literally "Uhm.. hi.. how are you?" and then she said she just wanted to hear my voice. There was awkward silence. I had nothing to say because she knew my entire day! That's over communication at its finest which was sort of a new issue for me. Never got the chance to wake up from that issue.

 

The sleeping thing.. well I live my parents so that's a huge thorn in my dating life and my manhood. This leaves me at a disadvantage. I have work to do.

Edited July 19, 2017 by Greenhawk84

[kortz]

It's all well and good knowing where you need to better yourself and identifying some possible bad habits, but you're at risk of really over analysing everything here.

 

You really don't sound that bad with some of the things you did and planned, it's not like you just sat at home all day not wanting to do anything. You need to remind yourself that even if you did everything right and made every perfect move and decision, the relationship STILL could have ended.

 

She might have given you those particular reasons for breaking up, but you don't know if there were deeper feelings at play there or other things on her mind so stop focusing on what she said and start focusing on the future.

 

Bottom line, it's done, it's over and you can't change that.

[Greenhawk84]

 

Bottom line, it's done, it's over and you can't change that.

 

I know, the final fact of the whole thing. I've already been bounced from the bar and I'm still sitting in the alley. The game is already over, "But it was a bad call ref, we could have won that game," yet the stadium is empty.

 

 

Here I am still complaining and brooding. It's just that I walk around with this on my back for so many days..