Ex wants to keep a relationship with my parents

[SilverCup]

Pretty much what the subject says, however the reasoning for it is for her son who had grown attached to my parents.

We only dated for 8 months and he only met my parents 4-5 times but he grew very attached to them and supposedly asks for them every few days.

 

At this point, I'd take her back in a heartbeat if that was an option but she's made it clear that it's not an option so I don't feel comfortable allowing her and her son to keep in contact with my family because I think it will make it harder for me to move on.

She doesn't see a problem with keeping that relationship and keeps saying I'm punishing her son if I don't allow it to happen.

 

What are other reasons that I can give her why it's a bad idea to do this?

So far the only thing I've told her is that I'm not comfortable with it now because I can't move on if they're still a part of my family's lives.

 

I'm sure it will complicate things if either of us get into a new relationship as well so that's another point I'll bring up. Anything else?

[basil67]

You can have your preferences and you're certainly entitled to state them, but in the end this is between your ex and your parents.

 

What do your parents want?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you need to give her any other reasons?

 

Tell her a very firm no and then don't engage with her further on the topic. Case closed.

[PegNosePete]

I don't feel comfortable allowing her and her son to keep in contact with my family

What do you mean - allowing her to keep in contact with your family?

 

She is a human being. You can't prevent her from talking to other human beings (your family) if she wants to, and if they are happy to talk back. You don't have that right. You can ask or even demand her not to contact them any more if you want, but she is under no obligation to accept your wishes.

 

keeps saying I'm punishing her son if I don't allow it to happen.

Well, the first step to removing her from your life is for YOU to stop talking to her. Tell her you don't want to hear from her again, and start NC.

 

After you've cut her off yourself, then you can tell your family that she is out of your life forever, you want nothing more to do with her, and would appreciate them not talking to her either. Again they are under no obligation to honour your wishes - they can talk to whomever they like! But most families would be understanding I think.

[d0nnivain]

It will confuse the son. It's a bad idea.

 

 

I'm not saying anybody needs to be mean, especially to the kid but you & your parents are a package deal.

 

 

I can't believe your parents want this.

 

 

Perhaps for the kid's sake there could be one last meeting so the kid can say goodbye.

 

 

I only ever dated one man with a kid. He was a teenager at the time. When the dad & I broke up I asked to be allowed to speak to the son one last time to say goodbye. The son had had a difficult time sorting through his uncle's break up & didn't know how to treat his uncle's EX so I really wanted to make sure everybody gave him permission to say hello to me in public if we bumped into each other & assure him that being polite to me (or his uncle's EX) was not taking sides or somehow being disloyal to his father (or uncle)

 

 

It was sad but years later the son said it helped a lot that somebody took his feelings into consideration.

[SilverCup]

Thanks for the feedback everybody. Here's a few points I can address on what was said:

 

What do you mean - allowing her to keep in contact with your family?

 

She is a human being. You can't prevent her from talking to other human beings (your family) if she wants to, and if they are happy to talk back. You don't have that right. You can ask or even demand her not to contact them any more if you want, but she is under no obligation to accept your wishes.

 

Ok, I guess I don't mean allowing but more stopping to communicate my objections about it.

I can't prevent it but it's still something that would bother me and I feel that if they decide to proceed, they're both disrespecting me.

 

 

Well, the first step to removing her from your life is for YOU to stop talking to her. Tell her you don't want to hear from her again, and start NC.

 

After you've cut her off yourself, then you can tell your family that she is out of your life forever, you want nothing more to do with her, and would appreciate them not talking to her either. Again they are under no obligation to honour your wishes - they can talk to whomever they like! But most families would be understanding I think.

 

I told her almost 2 weeks ago I had no interest in talking to her anymore. She found an excuse to talk as she claims she needs to come pick up some stuff she needs for her son's birthday. At this point, I'm not sure if she actually needs that stuff or just used it as an excuse to talk.

 

As far as removing her from my life, that's also where I see the problem of her maintaining a relationship with my parents. As long as that happens, she'll never be fully removed. What happens if I randomly visit my parents and there she is with her son, or if I talk to my parents on the phone asking about their day and they talk about the visit they received from my ex and her son.

 

What do your parents want?

 

So far, the way my parents have been seeing it is that if it's in the best interest of the kid, it should be done. While we were still a couple, I would have agreed and done anything in his best interest but now we're not together anymore so why would it be my responsibility to do this?

 

 

 

It also seems to me like her end goal is to have me spend time with him again as well which I may be ready to do a long time down the road but not yet. The kid really needs a father figure as his dad is a deadbeat and I think she still sees me as this for him but she can't have it both ways. If she wants me to be his father figure, it's gotta be as a family. It's a package deal.

 

 

Why do you need to give her any other reasons?

 

Tell her a very firm no and then don't engage with her further on the topic. Case closed.

 

She's a very stubborn person and so far has not accepted this as an answer. I can be as firm as I want but unless i give her a valid reason, she's just going to keep questioning it and point fingers at me saying I'm punishing her son.

Edited July 14, 2017 by SilverCup

[PegNosePete]

She found an excuse to talk as she claims she needs to come pick up some stuff she needs for her son's birthday.

Come now - are you sure it's her finding an excuse, or you finding excuses to allow her? If she wants to get her stuff back then it's not difficult to put it in a box and arrange a time to drop it round. Why are you getting into conversations about her son? Just swap stuff boxes, and that's it.

 

As far as removing her from my life, that's also where I see the problem of her maintaining a relationship with my parents. As long as that happens, she'll never be fully removed.

Yes, but start with YOU. And then tell your parents you don't think it's a good idea for them to talk to her any more since it will be upsetting for you.

 

If they refuse to cut contact then just tell them you don't want to hear about her, her calls, her visits, her son or ANYTHING else.

 

she's just going to keep questioning it and point fingers at me saying I'm punishing her son.

Not if you don't answer her calls and BLOCK her in every way possible. Then she's not going to question anything or point any fingers -- at least to you. And as long as you don't see or hear about the finger pointing, who cares?

[SilverCup]

Come now - are you sure it's her finding an excuse, or you finding excuses to allow her? If she wants to get her stuff back then it's not difficult to put it in a box and arrange a time to drop it round. Why are you getting into conversations about her son? Just swap stuff boxes, and that's it.

 

She lives 2 hours away in another province so it's not quite that simple. We also already did the box exchange but I guess this was something in my basement I had missed.

Also, the majority of the conversation about her son was between her and my mother who she called the night before we talked. I heard about it through my mother.

 

However, there is the possibility that you're correct that I'm using it as an excuse to allow her. I was trying to get her to talk to me for about 2 months before/after the breakup and she refused to at that time. Now that she's finally willing to talk, I'm debating if I want to take advantage and discuss things or not. Either way, that's something I'm still deciding myself but for now I'm just looking for advice on the kid continuing to visit my parents.

 

Yes, but start with YOU. And then tell your parents you don't think it's a good idea for them to talk to her any more since it will be upsetting for you.

 

If they refuse to cut contact then just tell them you don't want to hear about her, her calls, her visits, her son or ANYTHING else.

 

I did mention that to them last night. At this point I'm not sure if they'll follow through or not. Even if they don't tell me about it, that still doesn't remove the possibility of random visits where they're there which means I'll probably have to go out of my way to plan everything ahead to make sure that doesn't happen and don't feel I should need to do that to visit my own parents.

 

Not if you don't answer her calls and BLOCK her in every way possible. Then she's not going to question anything or point any fingers -- at least to you. And as long as you don't see or hear about the finger pointing, who cares?

 

I live in a small place so completely blocking is basically impossible here. She is also good friends with my cousin's wife so we're always going to have that middle ground no matter what I do.

Edited July 14, 2017 by SilverCup

[kgcolonel]

She's a very stubborn person and so far has not accepted this as an answer. I can be as firm as I want but unless i give her a valid reason, she's just going to keep questioning it and point fingers at me saying I'm punishing her son.

 

Actually, she's punishing her son for her bad decisions of introducing her son into a relationship before it is solid and well established. Big mistake on her part putting her interests before her kids.

 

I also agree, what happens when she meets the new Mr. Right???

[Gr8fuln2020]

SilverCup. I will tell you my most recent situation with a relationship with a woman who had her own children and my own. We had been together for about 10-months together, but our relationship was much more serious it would seem. We were living together, married and a blended family in the making. Our marriage did not last beyond a couple of months. I won't provide you with what happened, but my tolerance for this professional, beautiful and successful woman was 0. Harsh as many may think, but I won't go into details.

 

I made it clear that our relationship was over within 4-months of our marriage. I think I had more invested than you did. I overlooked some things that I would never suggest others do, but what is done is done. Anyway, one of the things I did was to confide in my family as to what had happened. I wasn't entirely innocent, but I made the circumstances plain and simple and left nothing for my family to wonder what was actually happening. I never told my family NOT to be remain in contact, but I will say that it wasn't difficult for my family to be skeptical of my ex and at least one of her children. I later discovered, after our separation and pending divorce, that they never really liked her.

 

My ex tried to convince my family that I was the reason for the failure of the short marriage. In part, of course I was, but my family could see that she was the desperate type and her own relationship with her own family was/is distant and a bit estranged really. What your ex may be doing is trying to hold onto something she doesn't have with her own family...a family that supports her, a sense of belonging.

 

My recommendation is to clearly and calmly explain your feelings to your parents, family and your ex that such a relationship is not conducive to nor ideal for healthy human beings to move on. You are not responsible for her child, she is. The child's attachment to your parents is not something you need to agree to nor your parents be burdened by. I find it outrageous that after she rejects you that she thinks she is entitled her child's relationship to remain as if nothing is different.

 

As per people telling you that you have no right to telling someone else whom they contact, well there is some truth to that. But, your ex is not wanting a close relationship with your parents. She is wanting a relationship for her child with them w/o considering the impact or respecting what your parents may think. Your parents are YOUR family, not hers and not the child's.

 

Ultimately, I would hesitate to make your parents the bad guys by having them tell her that they don't feel comfortable. That's your job. You simply let your ex know that this is a no go and leave it at that. No need to explain.

 

I had to do the same. Let my ex know that trying to communicate with my family was not acceptable. So far so good. It helps her to move on and be more responsible for her child and me, for my own and re-establish an environment that is absent of any toxic remnants from the past.

 

Good luck.

[SilverCup]

SilverCup. I will tell you my most recent situation with a relationship with a woman who had her own children and my own. We had been together for about 10-months together, but our relationship was much more serious it would seem. We were living together, married and a blended family in the making. Our marriage did not last beyond a couple of months. I won't provide you with what happened, but my tolerance for this professional, beautiful and successful woman was 0. Harsh as many may think, but I won't go into details.

 

I made it clear that our relationship was over within 4-months of our marriage. I think I had more invested than you did. I overlooked some things that I would never suggest others do, but what is done is done. Anyway, one of the things I did was to confide in my family as to what had happened. I wasn't entirely innocent, but I made the circumstances plain and simple and left nothing for my family to wonder what was actually happening. I never told my family NOT to be remain in contact, but I will say that it wasn't difficult for my family to be skeptical of my ex and at least one of her children. I later discovered, after our separation and pending divorce, that they never really liked her.

 

My ex tried to convince my family that I was the reason for the failure of the short marriage. In part, of course I was, but my family could see that she was the desperate type and her own relationship with her own family was/is distant and a bit estranged really. What your ex may be doing is trying to hold onto something she doesn't have with her own family...a family that supports her, a sense of belonging.

 

My recommendation is to clearly and calmly explain your feelings to your parents, family and your ex that such a relationship is not conducive to nor ideal for healthy human beings to move on. You are not responsible for her child, she is. The child's attachment to your parents is not something you need to agree to nor your parents be burdened by. I find it outrageous that after she rejects you that she thinks she is entitled her child's relationship to remain as if nothing is different.

 

As per people telling you that you have no right to telling someone else whom they contact, well there is some truth to that. But, your ex is not wanting a close relationship with your parents. She is wanting a relationship for her child with them w/o considering the impact or respecting what your parents may think. Your parents are YOUR family, not hers and not the child's.

 

Ultimately, I would hesitate to make your parents the bad guys by having them tell her that they don't feel comfortable. That's your job. You simply let your ex know that this is a no go and leave it at that. No need to explain.

 

I had to do the same. Let my ex know that trying to communicate with my family was not acceptable. So far so good. It helps her to move on and be more responsible for her child and me, for my own and re-establish an environment that is absent of any toxic remnants from the past.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

She's definitely not trying to make me look like the bad guy to my family so that's a plus. From what my mother was telling me, she was actually putting herself down as if she thought she wasn't good enough for me as the reasons why she didn't want us to ever get back together.

 

You're definitely right that she's trying to hold on to something she doesn't have with her own family though. She flat out admitted it last night when she tried saying I was punishing the kid. Said that I would be the one refusing to allow him to have a relationship with my parents that he's not even able to get with his own grandparents.

 

Also, I'm definitely not making my parents be the bad guys in this which they would never be anyways. So far, I get the feeling they see no problem with the situation.

I told them that if she contacts them directly regarding the subject again to just tell her to deal directly with me.

Edited July 14, 2017 by SilverCup

[SammySammy]

She's a very stubborn person and so far has not accepted this as an answer. I can be as firm as I want but unless i give her a valid reason, she's just going to keep questioning it and point fingers at me saying I'm punishing her son.

 

Actually, she's punishing her son for her bad decisions of introducing her son into a relationship before it is solid and well established. Big mistake on her part putting her interests before her kids.

 

I also agree, what happens when she meets the new Mr. Right???

 

Agreed. Her son shouldn't even know his parents if they only dated for eight months.

 

I think she's being irresponsible by running all of these people in and out of her son's life so quickly.

 

Instead of imposing her son on exes families, she needs to have more discretion.

[preraph]

If the kids are asking for old folks, it's because she encouraged them to do so. Kids don't give a crap about old people. She may want to use them for childcare, I have no idea. But the answer is no. Tell her, No, the kids are young and they will be fine. I can't have you around still intruding in my life because it will only upset every future woman I date -- so NO. But you better get your parents on your side and get them to speak up because the easiest way to do this is if they simiply kindly decline invitations for her to stop by or whatever.

[springy]

What is truly unfortunate is that she has allowed her son to get attached to a man and his family that she wasn't certain (as possible) she was going to stay with for the long haul. I predict this whole staying in touch thing will end when she meets her new guy.

 

You go nc. Whatever happens between her, her son and your parents is between them. You can't control that beyond stating your preferences, but you can control the amount of contact you have with her.

 

Poor kid.

[BC1980]

If the kids are asking for old folks, it's because she encouraged them to do so. Kids don't give a crap about old people. She may want to use them for childcare, I have no idea. But the answer is no. Tell her, No, the kids are young and they will be fine. I can't have you around still intruding in my life because it will only upset every future woman I date -- so NO. But you better get your parents on your side and get them to speak up because the easiest way to do this is if they simiply kindly decline invitations for her to stop by or whatever.

 

I also find it unbelievable that a kid is asking about adults he met 4-5 times. What a weird situation. I can't figure out why you would want to take your kid to see the parents of a person you broke up with. And they live 2 hours away on top of that.

 

OP, I would tell this woman that she needs to contact your parents to ask if it's okay and leave you out of it. I mean, if she is dead set on doing this, you can't stop her. But just don't talk to her anymore, and tell your parents not to mention her either.

[preraph]

If the parents allow her to stay connected, there better be rules with the parents about NO HOLIDAYs or when their son is around. I still say it's inappropriate and she's just trying to gain something or being manipulative.

[Gr8fuln2020]

There is something that some of the posters reminded me of...the child asking for your parents. I have know my ex to make claims that one of her children said or wanted or yearned for something that turned out never happened. In my ex's case, she was trying to "create" something out of nothing to make me feel guilty. Unfortunately for her, I wasn't of her stooge, manipulative bfs of her past. It is common for competing parents to 'plant' ideas into an innocent child's head. Just something else to look out for.

[elaine567]

I live in a small place so completely blocking is basically impossible here. She is also good friends with my cousin's wife so we're always going to have that middle ground no matter what I do.

 

Exactly.

Small town dynamics at play.

There is little you can do here without causing a huge row which may result in you falling out with your parents.

I do not think you can lay down any laws, and the best you can hope for is that the connection between this girl and your parents will just fade away with time.

Or you could get back together and the "problem" is fixed.

[Bastile]

It's completely unacceptable. And it's a mess.

 

Where's the kid's father? And why doesn't the kid have any other grandparents?

 

Now she doesn't want you, but she wants your family?

 

Pfffttt

 

Completely absurd. Explain to your parents that you forbid it, and if they have any sense of familial obligation, they won't allow this to escalate.

 

Keep everything at a base civility. Don't turn your family into the world adoption agency.

 

You really do sometimes just have to put your foot down, and say no. Not accept it in anyway, because it'll just get worse.

 

Also consider raising your quality for women that you LTR in the future.

[SilverCup]

There is something that some of the posters reminded me of...the child asking for your parents. I have know my ex to make claims that one of her children said or wanted or yearned for something that turned out never happened. In my ex's case' date=' she was trying to "create" something out of nothing to make me feel guilty. Unfortunately for her, I wasn't of her stooge, manipulative bfs of her past. It is common for competing parents to 'plant' ideas into an innocent child's head. Just something else to look out for.[/quote']

 

The kid is definitely the one asking. He did grow very attached to my parents and asked to see them all the time while we were still together as well.

My mom is great with kids and they just really connected from the start. She also spent a week watching him while we went on a trip to Dominican.

 

 

Where's the kid's father? And why doesn't the kid have any other grandparents?

 

That's a whole other mess. His father only sees him once in a while and it seems like the only reason he asks to have him over is when his parents visit since they want to see their grandson.

They're actually in a custody battle right now which in my mind is basically the reason our relationship ended. I tried being understanding because I know she's going through a hard time but she handled it very poorly and pushed me past my limit.

 

On her side, she's not very close with her parents. It's a long story so I won't get into it but let's just say her dad isn't a very good person and her mother is mostly out of the picture because of that.

[Bastile]

That's a whole other mess. His father only sees him once in a while and it seems like the only reason he asks to have him over is when his parents visit since they want to see their grandson.

They're actually in a custody battle right now which in my mind is basically the reason our relationship ended. I tried being understanding because I know she's going through a hard time but she handled it very poorly and pushed me past my limit.

 

On her side, she's not very close with her parents. It's a long story so I won't get into it but let's just say her dad isn't a very good person and her mother is mostly out of the picture because of that.

 

I hear you.

 

I fail to see how any of this is your problem. You aren't even with her anymore.

 

That's what happens when you allow someone deep into your life who is big trouble. Their problems become yours.

 

Set boundaries that suit yourself, and don't allow yourself to get emotionally manipulated into any farther compromising situations with her. People don't get to choose the parts of your life that suit them at your expense.

 

Even if you allowed it, and your parents got close to the kid, she could just meet another guy next week - and end contact.

 

Then what about the next women you meet, if they have kids too?...

 

Boundaries need to be strengthened. And I've been in the same sort of position. You live and learn (hopefully )

[Dis]

I agree with Bastile

 

Your ex is crossing a huge boundary

 

My ex did the same thing. He wanted to keep in contact with my dad so he could call him about his car etc etc

 

My dad is a very unemotional guy and also very generous. He didnt stop to think I'd have a problem with it until I learned they were still in communication and spoke to him about it. Once I told my dad they he needed to cease all communication right away, he respected my wishes as his daughter and followed through

 

Your ex is not your problem, neither is her kid. My ex is not my problem, neither is his car

 

I think its kind of a personal back hand to the face for your ex to insist on staying in your parents lives. She must not understand boundaries and their role in relationships. Neither did my ex... which is one of the many reasons why he's my ex

[maxikay]

It may sound harsh, but your needs should be more important to you than the needs of some kid. He'll get over it.