How to you handle the questions & judgement?

[FailedFirstLove]

One of my biggest struggle with break ups are the questions from people.

From colleagues, neighbours to friends and families, it's like everyone wants to know where he is? Why did we break up? Why can't we work it out? Who's at fault? Etc etc.

sometimes it really hits hard and you realise it's really over. I really hate the questions because I don't just don't know what to say. I can't even work out exactly why we couldn't work it out. When I tell them we both have issues we need to deal with. No one seems to understand that.

 

Then you get hit with the typical "you can do better" " you will find someone else". "He wasn't your soul mate". Early on I'm still indenial and it puts me through more anxiety to hear that stuff.

 

I'm already dealing with my internal struggles every minute of the day.

I get it that I shouldn't care about what others say but I'm human and it does impact me a lot of the time.

[Superchicken]

Seriously ?.

There's two types of people.

 

 

Ones that like to share, and those that don't.

 

 

Either tell them what you want and feel you need to go on.

 

 

Then the others.

Tell them you don't want to talk about it.

If they're your friends/family, they will stop asking.

 

 

Easy.

Which one are you.

 

 

Ted.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You are completely within your right to tell them you don't want to talk about it. That applies to all the possible questions they might ask.

 

Anyone with an ounce of compassion and common sense won't push it further.

 

Don't feel obligated to share the details with anyone unless you feel comfortable.

 

Take care.

[stillafool]

Absolutely! When they ask you what happened simply say, "I'm not ready to talk about it yet" and then change the subject. You don't have to respond to those questions.

[ExpatInItaly]

Absolutely! When they ask you what happened simply say, "I'm not ready to talk about it yet" and then change the subject. You don't have to respond to those questions.

 

Exactly this.

 

People who truly care about you will respect you request. Those who don't and push for answers anyway are nosy and disrespectful and not worth wasting your time with anyway.

[FailedFirstLove]

Seriously ?.

There's two types of people.

 

 

Ones that like to share, and those that don't.

 

 

Either tell them what you want and feel you need to go on.

 

 

Then the others.

Tell them you don't want to talk about it.

If they're your friends/family, they will stop asking.

 

 

Easy.

Which one are you.

 

 

Ted.

 

 

I will only share if I feel like the person can relate to me and I can trust. Mostly people who have been through something similar I will feel comfortable. Other than that I just want them to piss off.

 

Sometimes it really throws me off when they ask. And I either want to hide in a hole and cry or get really angry.

 

My mums a person who does not understand these things and I don't like talking to her about it. But she will throw this topic in every now and then. Just hearing his name puts me in such a bad state sometimes

[j2415p44]

Hi, I’m so sorry. Break ups are never easy. I also experienced that with my past boyfriend, it was difficult to move forward but the experience has made me stronger person and prepared me for a better future.

 

If you are not ready to talk about your break up, that’s alright, if those are your friends, I’m hoping that they will understand you. Sometimes talking with a trusted friend will help ease the pain, a friend that can give you encouragement and willing to listen as you share your feelings. Things will get better and there is beautiful life ahead of you. Hope you will feel better soon. Praying for you.

[fieldoflavender]

It was the fear of this that kept me in my relationship way too long. And led to way too much hurt and pain.

 

Basically you live for yourself. Other people, you can't make them go away but you can try to avoid excessive pain.

[FailedFirstLove]

Thanks guys. I just wish people would just get the hint and stop asking. Even when I say oh long story his got issues. Not on talking terms at the moment. They still probe for more. Then say stuff like you can do better just hoping that I would keep talking.

 

Personally unless I'm really good friends. I don't ask about their love life. J know how painful it is and if you are on the other end where they don't want. What do they want you to say. "He dumped me" "he decided he didn't want me anymore".

[d0nnivain]

Give them a vague answer to shut them up: "We just decided we weren't compatible." If they push retort with something along the lines of "Why are you insisting on prying into something that is none of your business?"

 

 

As for the comments about finding somebody better, accept that they come from a place of support. It's just something people say. The words are meant to be kind & helpful. Let 'em go in one ear & out the other. It's not something you need to bother about while you heal.

[FailedFirstLove]

Give them a vague answer to shut them up: "We just decided we weren't compatible." If they push retort with something along the lines of "Why are you insisting on prying into something that is none of your business?"

 

 

As for the comments about finding somebody better, accept that they come from a place of support. It's just something people say. The words are meant to be kind & helpful. Let 'em go in one ear & out the other. It's not something you need to bother about while you heal.

 

 

 

I think I'm just indenial. I can't accept its over cause it just hurts so much. And he wouldn't tell me it's over. He just said he needs to find himself and he doesn't know what will happen in the future. The first month I couldn't accept at all. I didn't tell anyone, then the next month I chose to tell them we were separated and having time apart.

I don't know why it's so damn hard to just say we are done.

I'm just at such an emotional stage. Anything gets to me. Just someone mentioning His name gives me instant anxiety and sometimes anger. I want to pretend he never existed in my life. I want to just forget

[d0nnivain]

Stop waiting for him to tell you it's over. Just end it. He's not in a place where he's good for you now (if he ever was).

 

 

'Da Nile is a river in Egypt. Once you accept that it's over you will start to heal.

 

 

I know it's hard. You wanted it to work. He had all that stuff going on -- job loss, family illnesses -- & lousy coping skills so he took it out on you & verbally abused you. You know this. You just want him to be the good guy that you need him to be, the guy you can love & build something with. Unfortunately that guy only exists in your head & heart. The actual man is flawed beyond your ability to fix / heal him. Stop trying.

 

 

Engage in self care & self love instead.

[FailedFirstLove]

Stop waiting for him to tell you it's over. Just end it. He's not in a place where he's good for you now (if he ever was).

 

 

'Da Nile is a river in Egypt. Once you accept that it's over you will start to heal.

 

 

I know it's hard. You wanted it to work. He had all that stuff going on -- job loss, family illnesses -- & lousy coping skills so he took it out on you & verbally abused you. You know this. You just want him to be the good guy that you need him to be, the guy you can love & build something with. Unfortunately that guy only exists in your head & heart. The actual man is flawed beyond your ability to fix / heal him. Stop trying.

 

Engage in self care & self love instead.

 

 

 

He knows that I didn't deserve the emotional wreck he was that why he told

Me to stop pushing him cause he can't control what he says. I know I can't fix him. Only he can, I just don't know why the hell I am back and forth. One day I accept it. The next I'm a wreck. I'm such an emotional human being. That's probably why he couldn't handle me. Cause I would become emotional then he would fly off the handle and hurt me. With words and then regret it later and tell me he didn't mean it. He just says shif when his angry. I'm

Bloody hell. Seriously. Life always gives challenges and ones I can't distract myself from. If it was other things and had him by my side I would be ok.

 

I lost my dogs and he was there and it helped me so much.

 

Now I'm just ranting.

[d0nnivain]

Healing is not linear. That is why you are back & forth.

 

 

Ranting is fine. It's closer to anger -- a stage of grief -- then denial / depression & it's more empowering. You are making more forward progress then you think.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

 

Sorry about your dogs. Concentrate on the one you have now.

[FailedFirstLove]

The last 2 years was hell for me. 2.5 years ago my past bf suicided after we broke up and had a fight. 2 years after my dogs past away. The two that were there for me through everything. They were there for 15 years with me. He was there with me supporting me throughout.

 

Then this happens and I was so worried about him. I didn't want him to do what the past ex did. His doing the same thing. Refusing to get help professionally. I couldn't go no contact for 2 months cause I was worried sick each time that something would happen. I'm not even doing no contact fully. I log into Spotify sometimes just to check his been on so I know that nothing has happened to him. Yes it is pathetic but I really care and worry. I made him promise me he won't do anything and he promised and said he would not do that to me. But people make promises and break them ...