No contact and depression

[James313]

I was dating a girl for about a month before heading overseas to work for a few months. Before I left she came and stayed with me and my family before I left to the airport. She told me she loved me and she promised she'd wait for me.

 

After a couple of weeks of being away I sensed a change in her behaviour. She became a bit distant and started showing less affection. I asked if she was losing interest and she said no everything was fine.

 

Over the next week I started hearing less and less, with little to no affection and instead of giving her space at the time I became insecure trying to figure out what was going wrong. I started asking about her ex bf ((they have 6 years of history etc)) however never directly accused her of seeing someone else or anything. I was super confused what had happened. She eventually told me she was super stressed with life and depressed and didn't want to talk about her feelings. I was pretty emotional and panicked and drunk called her a few times throughout the week. (Mistake I know)

 

She eventually told me that she couldn't give me what I need right now and didn't have the energy while I was away. She cut me away saying it wasn't fair on me but wanted to see me when I got back. I asked if we were still exclusive, she said tragically no. I pushed her away being needy.

 

After the last drunk phone call I felt really bad the next day. I apologised and she said it was fine. I was really hurt at the time. I ended up deleting her off all social media and going no contact. She noticed i deleted her and I just said that I felt like a crazy person and just needed to get my head straight.

 

I didn't hear from her for two weeks and ended up breaking asking her if she wanted a date when I got back in which she replied 'yes of course'. We asked how each other how we were going and that was the end of it. It's been another two weeks of NC now and she still hasn't initiated contact apart from re-adding me on Instagram and commenting on a photo of mine the other day.

 

So now that I've healed a bit, I'm looking back on everything and didn't even realise how much depression may have been apart of this. I actually feel worse right now realising that I pushed her away instead of supporting her (even though I can't really do anything from long distance).

 

I started reading about depression and I know she has to get through it herself and there's nothing I can do. I'm just having second thoughts on whether or not no contact was the right choice in this situation when I'd like to try again when I get back.

 

I guess my questions are:

 

Should I break no contact to make a better apology for pushing her away and see if she's okay? Or

Should I just continue with the no contact and give her the space she needs as she's already cut me away (at least until I get home)

 

I've never dealt with depression before and feel like I've made all the wrong mistakes already. I want her to know that im there if she needs me but I feel like I've already blown it. I believe that the feelings may still be there somewhere but I just don't know what to do in this situation and don't want to make it worse. Is there anything I can do to increase my chances of working things out when I get back? Or should I just wait to see if she reaches out to me when she's feeling better. I didn't want to lose her like this.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[FailedFirstLove]

I was dating a girl for about a month before heading overseas to work for a few months. Before I left she came and stayed with me and my family before I left to the airport. She told me she loved me and she promised she'd wait for me.

 

After a couple of weeks of being away I sensed a change in her behaviour. She became a bit distant and started showing less affection. I asked if she was losing interest and she said no everything was fine.

 

Over the next week I started hearing less and less, with little to no affection and instead of giving her space at the time I became insecure trying to figure out what was going wrong. I started asking about her ex bf ((they have 6 years of history etc)) however never directly accused her of seeing someone else or anything. I was super confused what had happened. She eventually told me she was super stressed with life and depressed and didn't want to talk about her feelings. I was pretty emotional and panicked and drunk called her a few times throughout the week. (Mistake I know)

 

She eventually told me that she couldn't give me what I need right now and didn't have the energy while I was away. She cut me away saying it wasn't fair on me but wanted to see me when I got back. I asked if we were still exclusive, she said tragically no. I pushed her away being needy.

 

After the last drunk phone call I felt really bad the next day. I apologised and she said it was fine. I was really hurt at the time. I ended up deleting her off all social media and going no contact. She noticed i deleted her and I just said that I felt like a crazy person and just needed to get my head straight.

 

I didn't hear from her for two weeks and ended up breaking asking her if she wanted a date when I got back in which she replied 'yes of course'. We asked how each other how we were going and that was the end of it. It's been another two weeks of NC now and she still hasn't initiated contact apart from re-adding me on Instagram and commenting on a photo of mine the other day.

 

So now that I've healed a bit, I'm looking back on everything and didn't even realise how much depression may have been apart of this. I actually feel worse right now realising that I pushed her away instead of supporting her (even though I can't really do anything from long distance).

 

I started reading about depression and I know she has to get through it herself and there's nothing I can do. I'm just having second thoughts on whether or not no contact was the right choice in this situation when I'd like to try again when I get back.

 

I guess my questions are:

 

Should I break no contact to make a better apology for pushing her away and see if she's okay? Or

Should I just continue with the no contact and give her the space she needs as she's already cut me away (at least until I get home)

 

I've never dealt with depression before and feel like I've made all the wrong mistakes already. I want her to know that im there if she needs me but I feel like I've already blown it. I believe that the feelings may still be there somewhere but I just don't know what to do in this situation and don't want to make it worse. Is there anything I can do to increase my chances of working things out when I get back? Or should I just wait to see if she reaches out to me when she's feeling better. I didn't want to lose her like this.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

I'm not sure exactly what she is going through. But I've had and been around depression. People react in different ways. Some turn to loved ones and some try to deal with it on their own.

 

I don't think you have much of an option. I think she knows that you are open to reconciliation but you have to let her go and have her own space. She needs to deal with the demands herself first. If she thinks you had something special she will come to you. It sounds like she doesn't need know what she wants or she's trying to put you down gently. Either or you will only find out with time. Pushing to get back in only does more damage.

Sometimes depression takes time and they need to battle that before they can even think of other people.

[James313]

I'm not sure exactly what she is going through. But I've had and been around depression. People react in different ways. Some turn to loved ones and some try to deal with it on their own.

 

I don't think you have much of an option. I think she knows that you are open to reconciliation but you have to let her go and have her own space. She needs to deal with the demands herself first. If she thinks you had something special she will come to you. It sounds like she doesn't need know what she wants or she's trying to put you down gently. Either or you will only find out with time. Pushing to get back in only does more damage.

Sometimes depression takes time and they need to battle that before they can even think of other people.

 

Would it be a bad idea to ask where I stand now or if she still has feelings?

 

It's just under a month now until I get back but she seems to have given me all this hope of wanting to see me when I get back and it's stopping me from moving on. I'm finding this harder now than when she decided to end things a month ago.

[FailedFirstLove]

Would it be a bad idea to ask where I stand now or if she still has feelings?

 

It's just under a month now until I get back but she seems to have given me all this hope of wanting to see me when I get back and it's stopping me from moving on. I'm finding this harder now than when she decided to end things a month ago.

 

 

Whatever she feels now may not be what she feels in a months or 2 months time. I read this quote that even if they miss you. It's not enough to make amends. It's not enough to be in a relationship. You can't make a relationship work on your own.

 

Personally I tried to do this deal breaker and ask "where do we stand" and got nothing back. If they don't know what they want yet, they can't give you any answers. it really sucks but I figured that if they figure it out then eventually we will find out. They may choose to tell us directly when they are ready or they will disappear which also tells us that they're done.

 

Dont live with false hope... it really pro longs the pain and hurts so much more. I've made that mistake and I know it's so hard to not hope. The perfect scenario would be for you to not contact and not hope. If she wants you she will contact you and tell you. And if not then you are learning to live without her in that time. I know... it seems impossible and I struggle but the more you push and try to contact her you're confirming the reason she broke up with you.

 

If she is really depressed. It will cloud her judgement and make her retreat. You can keep pushing her.

[doyathinkso]

You know you were dating for only a month for crying out loud.

 

Get some perspective.

 

When you return if it all works out then fine, and if it doesn't well then ... que sera sera.

 

I mean, one month .... neither of you is all that invested.

[James313]

You're right. I don't know why this has impacted me so much or why I feel this way, it's never happened before.

[FailedFirstLove]

Everyone's different and every relationship is different. Sometimes one month is more valuable than one year. But end of the day you are better off letting go when you're not as invested. If you get back, and she does the same thing again... you will be worse than you are now.

I wish things didn't have to be this way but unfortunately there are 2 people in the relationship. And it only takes 1 person to end things.

[BryanSmiley]

Tough situation dude, but yeah it was only a month - to expect her to put herself on hold and remain exclusive for 3 months absence on your side is a big ask. I mean if you feel it's right as she did at the time, great, good, reasonable. But it's not taken you being away long for her feelings to change has it.

 

Now all of a sudden she's depressed, can't give you things? Sorry this sounds like things I got from my recent ex. Personally and it pains me to accept it of my own situ, but I think this girl is exaggerating those elements to spread the blame on wanting to distance a bit. She's not so depressed that she's focusing on herself and not so open to intimate relations with other men is she - she said you guys aren't exclusive anymore!?! A little convenient if you ask me.

 

If it were a more established relationship that should probably be a deal breaker. But perhaps give her space and see how you both feel when you return.

[James313]

Tough situation dude, but yeah it was only a month - to expect her to put herself on hold and remain exclusive for 3 months absence on your side is a big ask. I mean if you feel it's right as she did at the time, great, good, reasonable. But it's not taken you being away long for her feelings to change has it.

 

Now all of a sudden she's depressed, can't give you things? Sorry this sounds like things I got from my recent ex. Personally and it pains me to accept it of my own situ, but I think this girl is exaggerating those elements to spread the blame on wanting to distance a bit. She's not so depressed that she's focusing on herself and not so open to intimate relations with other men is she - she said you guys aren't exclusive anymore!?! A little convenient if you ask me.

 

If it were a more established relationship that should probably be a deal breaker. But perhaps give her space and see how you both feel when you return.

 

The weird thing is it was her that promised to wait for me and everything, I promised nothing. I just don't know why the f**K she told me she loved me. It just brought my guard all the way down.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that can see the source of my insecurities. I thought the depression was bs in the beginning as well. I definitely thought there was someone else at one point and maybe there was, especially when she has an ex of 6 years back there that I know she still talks to. I guess I'll never know.

 

Now that you guys mentioned it was only one month it definetly opened my eyes. It just feels like so much more. I guess I'll just let it go and see if she comes to me now, but it just seems like there's so many unanswered questions.

 

Cheers.

[Someoneee]

Hi!

So.. I don't know where to start. Me and my bf dated for 1 year and 7 months. But he recently broke up with me for good, i know that because we haven't spoken since then and it's been a month. It was kinda unhealthy relationship.. we used to argue ALOT and he used to yell at me and insult me, he would treat me bad but i love him more than anything. Because the relationship was so toxic we would break up before.. usually he would break up with me but after a day or two he would write me again and we were back together. But 2 months ago he broke up with me again ( a little after a year and a half) and we would speak for a week and in this time there was a guy that came to my place to teach me math and when my ex found out about it we would want me back.. and we stayed together for another month and then he broke up with me again (this is now-1 month ago).. and idk what to think about it.. always when we got back together he would tell me how much he missed me, how he was attached and how he couldn't eat/sleep and listen to music and that he would always think about me (that's also what he told me the previous breakup). And now, since he broke up with me there's no contact beetween us and idk what ro think. How can he suddenly change his feeling so much? And act like i meant nothing to him? I miss him so much and it hurts so bad.. what do you think about it?

[vickyp]

Hi!

So.. I don't know where to start. Me and my bf dated for 1 year and 7 months. But he recently broke up with me for good, i know that because we haven't spoken since then and it's been a month. It was kinda unhealthy relationship.. we used to argue ALOT and he used to yell at me and insult me, he would treat me bad but i love him more than anything. Because the relationship was so toxic we would break up before.. usually he would break up with me but after a day or two he would write me again and we were back together. But 2 months ago he broke up with me again ( a little after a year and a half) and we would speak for a week and in this time there was a guy that came to my place to teach me math and when my ex found out about it we would want me back.. and we stayed together for another month and then he broke up with me again (this is now-1 month ago).. and idk what to think about it.. always when we got back together he would tell me how much he missed me, how he was attached and how he couldn't eat/sleep and listen to music and that he would always think about me (that's also what he told me the previous breakup). And now, since he broke up with me there's no contact beetween us and idk what ro think. How can he suddenly change his feeling so much? And act like i meant nothing to him? I miss him so much and it hurts so bad.. what do you think about it?

 

Run like hell, and dont look back.

[BryanSmiley]

The weird thing is it was her that promised to wait for me and everything, I promised nothing. I just don't know why the f**K she told me she loved me. It just brought my guard all the way down.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that can see the source of my insecurities. I thought the depression was bs in the beginning as well. I definitely thought there was someone else at one point and maybe there was, especially when she has an ex of 6 years back there that I know she still talks to. I guess I'll never know.

 

Now that you guys mentioned it was only one month it definetly opened my eyes. It just feels like so much more. I guess I'll just let it go and see if she comes to me now, but it just seems like there's so many unanswered questions.

 

Cheers.

 

Well we can all get carried away and ahead of ourselves, sounds like in the heat of the point you’d gotten to that’s what she’d done and said. So it could just be that and she might come back around. My ex had an ex bf of 6 years. And when you break out of that in your twenties I think both sexes tend to have urges to play the field a bit (not sure of the ages in your situ). My situation was intense too, there’s no linear time necessarily for what should fit, it does have variables.

 

It’s interesting hearing you describe, again like others I feel like saying back right off, since she doesn’t warrant being pursued. And we lose track of that when were close, definitely what I need to hold firm on too. The NC unless they initiate, probably wins again here.

Edited July 13, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[James313]

Well we can all get carried away and ahead of ourselves, sounds like in the heat of the point you’d gotten to that’s what she’d done and said. So it could just be that and she might come back around. My ex had an ex bf of 6 years. And when you break out of that in your twenties I think both sexes tend to have urges to play the field a bit (not sure of the ages in your situ). My situation was intense too, there’s no linear time necessarily for what should fit, it does have variables.

 

It’s interesting hearing you describe, again like others I feel like saying back right off, since she doesn’t warrant being pursued. And we lose track of that when were close, definitely what I need to hold firm on too. The NC unless they initiate, probably wins again here.

 

We're both the same age, 26. She did make a comment once or twice about getting to old and had to have kids soon. She also asked me and I just said Yeah, when I'm ready. I feel like she was ready to settle unless she wanted to see what else was out there after a 6 year relationship. However, that ended a year ago. This whole situation is really weird.

[James313]

Ugh, she just like and commented on another one of my Instagram photos. Everytime she does that it makes me ask why and sends me backwards.

 

I ended up deleting her and unfollowing her and kinda feel bad / regret now. I guess it'll help me in the long run when I'm not constantly checking to see if she's uploaded a new pic ...

[James313]

Well we can all get carried away and ahead of ourselves, sounds like in the heat of the point you’d gotten to that’s what she’d done and said. So it could just be that and she might come back around. My ex had an ex bf of 6 years. And when you break out of that in your twenties I think both sexes tend to have urges to play the field a bit (not sure of the ages in your situ). My situation was intense too, there’s no linear time necessarily for what should fit, it does have variables.

 

It’s interesting hearing you describe, again like others I feel like saying back right off, since she doesn’t warrant being pursued. And we lose track of that when were close, definitely what I need to hold firm on too. The NC unless they initiate, probably wins again here.

 

So I felt like I couldn't move on unless I asked if there were feelings still there.

 

She replied straight away and said I don't know, and that she's enjoyed being on her own right and hasn't done so in 8 years.

 

I asked why she told me she loved me and she just said Because I did, or I thought I did. I dunno

 

I told her I just had to ask these questions so I could move on. I also asked if we were done for good and she said 'i didn't say that'

 

I feel like I maybe should have dug a little deeper to find out what happened or where the feelings had gone but I didn't want to push her further away, so I left it at that.

 

Has anyone experienced this before? What kind of answer is I don't know?

Does she actually know but doesn't want to say because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Is it something I did wrong, or should I take it personally?

 

Just trying to make sense of this

[SpecialJ]

She's still telling you she's not in a place for a relationship right now, which means she can't provide you with what you're going to need. Whether that's because she's not ready with anyone or she doesn't want to be with you specifically is irrelevant. If you keep talking to her, you're inherently pressuring her whether you mean to or not and you'll drain her by not respecting her space. Or she tries before she's ready and it ends badly. Just tell her to reach out if she changes her mind, and go no contact for a while. If she's ready to be friends or more, she will reappear when she feels better. Or you'll move on.

Edited July 16, 2017 by SpecialJ

[James313]

So I'd finally stopped thinking about this girl all the time, then after three or more weeks of NC she adds me on Facebook and asks when I'm back and what my plans are?? Sigh ... I just don't get it

[d0nnivain]

You had only been dating for a month when you relocated. On the eve of your departure she told you she loved you. That's ridiculous. She didn't know you well enough to love you. She's in love with love & at 26 she seems to be rushing into marriage & kids. She doesn't really care who her partner is. She just wanted to be married & procreate. She had no meaningful understand of what that entails. She thinks her biological clock is ticking & she's panicking. Because of that she keeps toying with you on social media.

 

 

When you are back if you want to see if she's free, go ahead & reach out. She pulled away due to the distance & her desire for an instant relationship that was going to lead to marriage. She probably wanted to be married by now & that is why she let go of you. Since she's not because other men can smell her desperation she's willing to give old, reliable you a chance.

 

 

If you want to be the guy she plugs into her fantasy of a life / future because you were the one standing there, fine. Otherwise be very cautions about moving forward with her. She has an agenda & it's not very healthy or balanced.

[James313]

Yeah fair point, I never even looked at it that way. I just told her I wasn't sure what my plans are and went back to NC. She didn't respond after that.

 

This whole situation is such a mess now. I'll definitely be keeping my distance. Just thought it would be helpful trying to make sense of it all.

[mousse]

It does sound like she's playing with you and that she doesn't know what she wants. She seems very moody. I think moody people like that can really hurt you in the long run, especially when you're a caring and sensitive person. I think that you need to think about yourself, protect yourself and take some distance with her.

[MountainGirl111]

You could very well be overthinking this whole thing. Overanalyzing. You left for 3 months. Maybe she can't do long distance. When a person is gone, out of sight, it's pretty hard to feel like you are really in a relationship. No in person contact does that...that's why LDR's are so challenging.

[James313]

Yeah I have been protecting and concentrating on myself. She was just so interested and keen on me when I left it was such a shock to me after this happened. The fact that I don't know if it was out of my control and i had nothing to do with it, or whether it was the way I acted is what's tearing me apart. I can't help but feel like I pushed her away and thats what I can't seem to get over

[Timpye]

How old are you both?

 

No offence but to be honest you both sound young and immature. She is not treating you with any respect or sign of interest you deserve, and you are becoming mentally fragile and uncertain on yourself and your actions. Unfortunately I think you just need to let go for the time being and enjoy your life without her, either she will come running back or she won't, it sounds like she is too immature/not in the mind frame to commit to anything at the moment and it seams like you have some self searching to do also.

[James313]

We are both 27