Leaving my alcoholic bf... I'm hurting. ?

[kotaleighx]

I didn't know what category to put this in but decided on this one. I would like to say this won't be long-winded but I can't make any promises.

 

I am 26, he is 38. It has been a 1 year and 8 months. We've lived together for a good chunk of the time. He is an alcoholic.

 

It took me a couple of months to see it. He didn't drunk much at first (if at all) but then I guess as he got more comfortable he started drinking more. It's been bad. I mean at one point I picked him up off the concrete, found out he did coke and molly, etc. That was quite some time ago but still. He constantly drinks too much and then walks out on me, doesn't come home, etc.

 

It's gotten progressively worse. Though he's never actually hit me (I would kick his ass and he knows it) he has pushed me once and smacked me upside the head (he doesn't recall it of course.) Of course there are little lies here and there, I do believe the drugs have mostly stopped (besides reefer, which doesn't bother me and I may do occasionally), but the drinking probably will never and I know this now. We fight because I refuse to put up with his crap anymore, and I'm also from Jersey so when I have something to say I say it (LOL), so we fight and he gets nasty and loud and breaks **** and walks out. It's become common almost every weekend.

 

Here comes the hard part and what everyone knows I'm going to say: He is wonderful when he's not drinking. He loves me unlike I've ever been loved before and vice versa. I find him to be so handsome, sweet, funny. The way he looks at me and touches me and believes in me and holds me, I've never felt anything like it. When our relationship is good, it is SO damn good. But when it is bad it is so damn bad. I know you can't change someone, I've always just tried to love him and hope he would want to change for himself and for us.

 

Between back and forths of 100000's of promises, I've been to therapy, even an al-anon... I finally broke up with him. I told him I was moving back to Jersey and couldn't do it anymore, etc. All of my friends and family know the jist, want me to come back home, I have it all pretty much set up. He begged and cried like I've never seen a man cry and asked for one more chance. That chance lasted three days. He walked out and never came back home that night.

 

So now I am really in the works to move home, which is a mess. He wasn't on my lease because of zero credit and a bad background, so I have a friend who wants to take over my lease. He has nowhere to go and probably won't get approved so I feel awful. I moved to Nashville 3 years ago to pursue music and while it's been great, I'm kinda over it. I haven't wanted to do music since I lost my mom unexpectedly this year. And I haven't even been able to properly grieve her with all of this going on. And I miss home. I am not blind and I know I deserve better and don't have to put up with this, blah blah, but it is so goddamn hard to do this. I lost my mom. Now I'm losing him. I can't even bring my dog. I'm so broken. He keeps crying and begging me to stay, but if he doesn't change or want to change I just don't know.

 

I try to remember all the bad things: He wasn't really there for me when my Mom died (he couldn't come home with me, and every time I called he was out at a bar), he has lied, he has done drugs, he breaks promises, he has pushed me, he has said horrible things. I hate dealing with him when he gets super drunk. He's selfish. He seems narcissistic sometimes. But he's also the King of sorry. I do think he is truly sorry but I also think he can't help it.

 

I know he truly loves me, but I guess he loves me as much as he can for someone who has an addiction. It feels like a lose-lose situation. I can't live with him (sometimes) and I can't live without him. I've never in my life loved and shared my life with a man like I do him. I adore him. I'm also terribly afraid I will never feel this way about someone again. But his habits have ruined us time and time again. All of my friends and family know I'm coming home, my older sister won't tolerate him or this and wants me home ASAP. It's just so hard. This is my life. This man has my heart.

 

And nobody's lying to me, everyone keeps saying it's going to hurt for a while... I'm dreading this. I know what everyone's going to say, I guess I just need to hear it. I know when I go home and I'm surrounded by family and friends it might be easier, but I also am dying inside thinking about leaving. I don't know. I'm so broken and depressed. I really just wanted this to work out. I wanted my future with him. I love the little things... coming home from work and cooking dinner, dancing in the living room, watching a movie together. I'm easy. That's the kinda of stuff I'm gonna miss most.

 

Sorry for the mess of a post. He keeps crying and asking me to stay. How do I suppress the part of me that wants to try again? He is 38... he really should have his sh*t together by now. I know I need to be happy and strong and love myself more right now, I deserve better, but I love him awful and it's hard to see sometimes. It hurts so bad and is making my anxiety/depression awful. How am I going to do this?

Edited July 11, 2017 by kotaleighx

[1fish2fish]

You are going to do this because you have to. Because you have to save yourself. Because he will NEVER change. Because you deserve better. Because if you stay with him, you'll become more co-dependent on him and your life will be miserable. Because if you stay with him, the smack upside the head could be a metal bat one day and you'll be dead.

 

I grew up with alcoholic parents who were violent towards each other and towards me, if the other one wasn't available. They were married over 30 years before my father passed away.

 

My exbf is an addict - alcohol and weed. We were together on and off for over a year, and it's now been 45 days of NC since I walked away.

 

It was my exH (sober over 32 years) who confronted me and said that I needed to get into Alanon if I planned on staying with the bf because I was dating an addict and was co-dependent.

 

It's been a hard road, but I had to save myself. He is 47 yo and not going to change.

 

You are going to do this because you HAVE TO!

 

There is always a chance of reconciliation AFTER he gets sober for a few years. This recently happened to a gf of mine. Her exH was an addict, so she divorced him. 17 years later, and 16 years after he got sober, they are dating again. I don't hold out the same hope for my exbf though.

 

YOU. DESERVE. BETTER.

[Zahara]

But he's also the King of sorry. I do think he is truly sorry but I also think he can't help it.

 

He's not truly sorry. It's just a word he knows to use to rope you back in. There are no actions just words. My father was an alcoholic. Trust the pattern of pulling you back in with a slew of words they know you want to hear is what they do to rope you back in. There is no genuine meaning to their apology. If there was, there would be effort and commitment to make changes.

 

His addiction is a priority over you.

 

I know he truly loves me, but I guess he loves me as much as he can for someone who has an addiction.

 

And you deserve more than someone that is just capable of loving you with these limitations.

 

I know I need to be happy and strong and love myself more right now, I deserve better, but I love him awful and it's hard to see sometimes. It hurts so bad and is making my anxiety/depression awful. How am I going to do this?

 

As much as he is dysfunctional, you bear accountability for your own dysfunction for choosing to pursue and stay in a relationship like this one. In that sense, it would be time to focus internally and work on your own self-development.

 

It's going to hurt and it is going to be a painful process. But this is going to be temporary. Lean on your friends and family. You're going to have to grieve this and slowly heal.

 

Staying with him will only give you indefinite pain. You don't want this for your very young life.

[Arieswoman]

Kotaleighx,

Is there an AA support group in your area?

 

In UK they help/counsel people who have alcoholic partners whether they are leaving/staying in the relationship.

 

HTH

[kotaleighx]

I went to an al-anon meeting once. I saw a bunch of older women who were with alcoholic partners and figuring out how to cope even after all this time. I know I don't want to be that woman. I also went to therapy but had to stop because my co-pay was too high.

 

I know I have to go. I am working on myself daily. Reading, working on my side business, constantly trying to get better and work on my personal goals.

 

Some days I feel strong and know I'm making the right decision, I know I deserve and can easily find better. And other days I can't stop crying and thinking about how much I'm going to miss him, and I feel as though I'll never love someone this way again. It's rough.

[Zahara]

And other days I can't stop crying and thinking about how much I'm going to miss him, and I feel as though I'll never love someone this way again. It's rough.

 

It's normal to vacillate between those emotions during a break-up. It can be debilitating because you are going through the process of grieving. You're suffering a loss so what you feel is natural.

 

You're driven by intense emotions right now. In time as you heal and start to find emotional clarity, those thoughts of never loving someone like this again will seem irrational. You will love again. And hopefully next time, it will be a mutually nurturing and loving relationship. This wasn't it.

[preraph]

Yeah, there's nobody sadder than a drunk, and it can be heartbreaking, but unless and until he decides to totally stop drinking, he won't be a nice person or a reliable person or a safe person to be with. One reason drunks act like it's the end of the world when someone gets tired of their behavior and breaks up is because as long as someone is staying with them, it's easier living for them and easier for them to tell themselves they're perfectly normal and don't need to change. So until you show him consequences, he would never even think about getting sober. As you've heard, many have to hit rock bottom before they'll even admit they have a problem. So you'd do him no favors staying with him.

 

 

If he ever gets sober and stays sober a few years, then maybe he'd be someone nice, but you never really know. Hypothetically, it might just be that a relationship triggers him to alcohol and certainly to violence. That is what makes him not relationship material. He might be a better person on his own with as few triggers as possible, you never know.

 

It sounds like you are in need of a big change. You can always resume your music wherever you are once you're ready. Creative stuff is hard to keep going at certain emotional times and then other emotional times are great for creative flow. I think you're a bit blocked because you do have things to process and connecting with your soul isn't a fun thing to do right now. You need to make that clean break and start fresh. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Al-Anon is a support group fr people who love alcoholics. Go to a meeting. It will open your eyes & give you the strength you need to walk away.

[kotaleighx]

I have been to an al-anon meeting.

 

We are both bitter and hurt right now. It's hard to respond properly because he keeps saying that it's my fault we are breaking up, I am the one choosing to leave, etc. and while that is true, if it weren't for him and his ****ty choices and behaviors, I wouldn't be leaving.

 

Of course we fought tonight because we are hurt. He said some pretty cruddy things. He said things like, I should just let him alone when he drinks too much sometimes- that it's not that big of s deal. That I am not perfect and make mistakes too (well duh!), that I don't love him unconditionally because I'm leaving, that if you love someone you don't leave. That I don't like him for who he truly is, I'm controlling, etc. He even got so mad as to say "good, I'll be happier without you" only to immediately apologize and retract that statement.

 

It's so hard. This isn't my fault.

 

Are there things I can do to help? I'm thinking making making a list of all of the cons/bad things he does/has done so I can visually see the crap he puts me through when I'm feeling weak?

 

Blegh. Heartbreak sucks.

[Zahara]

I have been to an al-anon meeting.

 

We are both bitter and hurt right now. It's hard to respond properly because he keeps saying that it's my fault we are breaking up, I am the one choosing to leave, etc. and while that is true, if it weren't for him and his ****ty choices and behaviors, I wouldn't be leaving.

 

Of course we fought tonight because we are hurt. He said some pretty cruddy things. He said things like, I should just let him alone when he drinks too much sometimes- that it's not that big of s deal. That I am not perfect and make mistakes too (well duh!), that I don't love him unconditionally because I'm leaving, that if you love someone you don't leave. That I don't like him for who he truly is, I'm controlling, etc. He even got so mad as to say "good, I'll be happier without you" only to immediately apologize and retract that statement.

 

It's so hard. This isn't my fault.

 

Are there things I can do to help? I'm thinking making making a list of all of the cons/bad things he does/has done so I can visually see the crap he puts me through when I'm feeling weak?

 

Blegh. Heartbreak sucks.

 

What he's doing is called gaslighting and blameshifting. He's never taken responsibility for his actions, so why would he do it now. This is manipulation on his part to make you question the reality and truth of the situation, therefore planting guilt and doubt in your own head when he should be the one accepting accountability for where the relationship has ended.

 

He is toxic.

 

Yes, make that list. It will help when you are doubting yourself.

 

Try to keep minimum contact. This is where and when you need to start creating boundaries. Rehashing isn't going to change anything.

[kotaleighx]

Yeah, well it's hard. We still live together. I got us this apartment. Most of the time he's okay and we are friendly but I think when he realizes he's losing me he kinda goes a little crazy.

 

I also just feel bad. I'm getting someone to take over my lease and he has nowhere to go at all. He has zero credit and a bad background so he won't get approved anywhere. Doesn't really have a friend he can stay with properly. I know it's technically not my problem but me and my big heart feel awful.

 

Ugh. Wish I could unlove him and stop the pain I feel.

[d0nnivain]

Make it a multiple choice Q. Get a bottle of his favorite beverage. Put it in front of him & tell him to pick one: you or that alcohol. When he can't, you know what you have to do.

 

Alcoholics are master manipulators. That's why he's trying to blame you. When he takes his next drink he'll justify it saying that you upset him so he has to drink.

 

He has a sickness but it's one he's refusing to treat.

 

Things will get better as soon as you don't live there anymore. When will that be?

[1fish2fish]

Make it a multiple choice Q. Get a bottle of his favorite beverage. Put it in front of him & tell him to pick one: you or that alcohol. When he can't, you know what you have to do.

 

Alcoholics are master manipulators. That's why he's trying to blame you. When he takes his next drink he'll justify it saying that you upset him so he has to drink.

 

He has a sickness but it's one he's refusing to treat.

 

Things will get better as soon as you don't live there anymore. When will that be?

 

Oh, I wish I had thought of this when I was dating the addict! I know he has no clue as to why we broke up. Ugh.

 

Kotaleigh - Just like AA says, you'll get through this by taking it one day at a time. I can't even imagine your conflicting emotions right now especially since you're still under the same roof. But anything you do to ease his (self-inflicted) pain would be enabling him even more. He'll figure out his living situation.

 

There are some great resources out there to help you on your journey back to yourself. I still re-read my dog-eared copy of "Co-dependent no more" by Melodie Beattie, the bible of all things co-dependent. "Attached" is another good one, and so is "Women who Love Too Much" (another oldie but goodie!)

 

Please don't stop coming here for support. It helps all of us in similar situations. Best of luck to you! xo

[Redhead14]

Yeah, well it's hard. We still live together. I got us this apartment. Most of the time he's okay and we are friendly but I think when he realizes he's losing me he kinda goes a little crazy.

 

I also just feel bad. I'm getting someone to take over my lease and he has nowhere to go at all. He has zero credit and a bad background so he won't get approved anywhere. Doesn't really have a friend he can stay with properly. I know it's technically not my problem but me and my big heart feel awful.

 

Ugh. Wish I could unlove him and stop the pain I feel.

 

I think when he realizes he's losing me he kinda goes a little crazy. -- He is "addicted" to the convenience of you. You are doing all the work in this relationship. He's not upset about losing you, he doesn't want to lose his enabler. He needs to hit rock bottom in order to really feel what he needs to feel and realize that his other addiction is killing his chances for a happy and fulfilling life. He needs to feel that emptiness. You will be doing him a great favor by letting him hit rock bottom.

 

he has nowhere to go at all. -- Once he hits rock bottom, he has no where to go but up really. And, if he doesn't, that's his problem. He's an adult, albeit an incomplete one but he needs to start taking control and responsibility for his life. If he has no friends or family that will help him, you need to realize that he's burned all those bridges too so you aren't the only one who has been hurt and/or used by him and they got wise.

 

You have taken on the role of an enabler. You are hurting him more than you are helping him.

 

Tell him he needs to be out of the apartment by Xday. If you can, you will give him Xdollars to help him get on his feet a little but you will not help him anymore than that.

 

Wish I could unlove him -- You need to start loving yourself more. He doesn't and can't love you fully because he loves alcohol more than he loves anything. That's what you need to get your head around.

[kotaleighx]

If he would choose me over alcohol, we wouldn't be here ya know? He has a problem and doesn't want to change. He says he drinks a lot but the problem is me, picking fights with him when he drinks and stirring ****, etc. This never used to be the case but he isn't a good person when he drinks (and is doing god knows what else behind my back) and most of the time it is his negative energy or crude jokes (that he thinks are funny of course) that start a fight. Then he says I just don't like him, don't accept him, etc. which isn't really the case but I don't accept his alcoholism and ****ty behavior to me.

 

I've been walked all over in a previous relationship and after that, I stand my ground much more often now. I stand up for myself. He doesn't like that and constantly says I have to be the one with the balls in the relationship but the truth is just that I'm tired of his crap and he doesn't like being called out.

 

I've also been reading up on narcissism and he has a lot of the same qualities. It sucks and hurts but I can see some of it. The constant blame. Ignoring my feelings only to tell me I don't care about his, and then I get upset and I'm "scaring" him. It's just a bit crazy sometimes.

[kotaleighx]

He has places he probably can go but his ego is too big. Or he is embarrassed now. I am almost positive he hasn't even told his dad we are broken up and he hopes that we will reconcile and I won't go.

 

I will never give him money. I am in the situation because of him. When he lost his house *I* went out and got us this apartment because he can't. And it was out of my price range but he said it would be okay. He makes more money than me and if he leaves and I will be stuck with a month of rent by myself which will almost drain me completely. Plus I am having to drive back home to move home (800 miles) and he is keeping my dog just because it will be a lot of responsibility on my own now and I might staying in my sisters guest room for a bit.

 

Yea I go back and forth. I love him. I love him more than I ever could have imagined loving someone. When he is wonderful he is truly wonderful and I just wish he was that way all the time. I guess all I can do is take baby steps right now and try to stay strong. Reading some of the books I have about breakups and narcissism help slightly. I'm also trying to focus on my side biz and my own personal ambitions. It's just hard.

[kotaleighx]

Oops double post sorry

[Redhead14]

He has places he probably can go but his ego is too big. Or he is embarrassed now. I am almost positive he hasn't even told his dad we are broken up and he hopes that we will reconcile and I won't go.

 

I will never give him money. I am in the situation because of him. When he lost his house *I* went out and got us this apartment because he can't. And it was out of my price range but he said it would be okay. He makes more money than me and if he leaves and I will be stuck with a month of rent by myself which will almost drain me completely. Plus I am having to drive back home to move home (800 miles) and he is keeping my dog just because it will be a lot of responsibility on my own now and I might staying in my sisters guest room for a bit.

 

Yea I go back and forth. I love him. I love him more than I ever could have imagined loving someone. When he is wonderful he is truly wonderful and I just wish he was that way all the time. I guess all I can do is take baby steps right now and try to stay strong. Reading some of the books I have about breakups and narcissism help slightly. I'm also trying to focus on my side biz and my own personal ambitions. It's just hard.

 

You love who you WISH he would/could be. You are in love with a dream . . .

 

You need to realize that you are a little bit of an addict too now -- you've been living for the little highs you get -- When he is wonderful he is truly wonderful. -- and in between you're jonesin' for the next one.

[kotaleighx]

I can see what you're saying. It's been almost two years though and at one point I wanted to marry the guy and have s family- or so I thought. He's the only man I've ever felt that way about, even if I can see now that that would be hell. I've been strong enough to finally end it and plan to move on. I think part of it is normal, missing the good times and good memories and good qualities. Naturally he is not all bad, but unless he became sober and worked on himself I guess I would be rather unhappy in the end regardless of how much I love him. He's very immature for an almost 39 year old.

[Redhead14]

I can see what you're saying. It's been almost two years though and at one point I wanted to marry the guy and have s family- or so I thought. He's the only man I've ever felt that way about, even if I can see now that that would be hell. I've been strong enough to finally end it and plan to move on. I think part of it is normal, missing the good times and good memories and good qualities. Naturally he is not all bad, but unless he became sober and worked on himself I guess I would be rather unhappy in the end regardless of how much I love him. He's very immature for an almost 39 year old.

 

He's the only man I've ever felt that way about -- You haven't met the rest yet . . .

 

Yes, it is normal to think about the good times and all this will be a process so be patient with yourself and be good to yourself. Go out and buy yourself something you've always wanted (without breaking the bank, of course

[kotaleighx]

What I meant is that in all of my other serious relationships (this is my 4th and longest)I've never felt this strongly for someone. I've even lived with another ex and didn't love him half as much as I love this one.

 

I will try to be good to myself!

[1fish2fish]

Redhead nails it in her/his posts here.

 

I'm having to remind myself constantly that the person I "fell in love with" doesn't exist. I fell in love with The Addict's potential.

 

And, our exes have incredible potential, don't they? What a waste.

[anika99]

Wishing you strength OP. I left an alcoholic boyfriend 15yrs ago after living with him for 7yrs. We went through different phases in that 7yrs.

 

It took about a year for me to realize he was an alcoholic because he wasn't an everyday drunk. That year was followed by a couple of years of fighting over his drinking and trying to get him to stop. When that didn't work I spent a couple of years trying to adjust myself to his drinking and trying to work out compromises with him which also failed. Finally the last 12-18 months I stopped focusing on him altogether. Stopped looking to him to meet my needs or be my partner. He did whatever he wanted while I put my attention on bettering my own life.

 

By the time I left I was no longer romantically in love with him. He had never been a partner to me because he was too irresponsible and just wanted to drink and have fun. He was never there when I most needed him. He wasn't even there when I wanted to share my happiness with him over something good that happened. Money was always tight because he liked to spend it on booze and weed. So I wasn't madly in love with him in the end but I loved him deeply and I felt responsible for him. Funny how addicts have a way of getting people to feel like that. He was in a bad way when I finally walked away for good. It broke my heart. Not for myself but for him. He had become like one of my children and I felt like I was abandoning him. It was terrible and it took me about a year to start letting go of the guilt and the pain I felt over leaving someone who needed me.

 

I know this is very hard on you but you must leave if you ever want to meet a man who can truly be your partner. Try to avoid arguments with him about who is at fault. I know it's hard not to defend yourself but he's just not going to agree with you. In his eyes you are being unreasonable and you are abandoning him. Addicts always think that so no point in getting into nasty fights over it. He's going to think whatever he wants to think. I know this is tearing you up but once you get out you will recover. Best of luck to you.

[kotaleighx]

^^^^^Oh my god. EVERY WORD OF THIS. This. Yes. Except mine was in a period of 2 years and I still love him very much. But oh my god. Thank you for at least helping me not feel so alone.

 

I know it will take quite a while and I may not fully ever get over him but I guess I have to try.

[kotaleighx]

Just when you don't think it can get worse, it does.

 

He was nice all day yesterday, he asked what I wanted for dinner and I said I'd pick it up and cook it. He never came home. He went out to drink with his friends after work. All I said was "I though that you were coming home?" I'm making dinner" and his response was "stop. Now I don't want to come

Home, etc". It's all a bit of a crazy whirlwind how that happens anymore. He never came home so I told him not to bother. He shows up at 1:30am and gets on his knees and says sorry. I laugh at him (not like it was actually funny), so he leaves again. He comes home at 6am and starts treating me ****ty, saying I'm the reason he didn't come home, etc, all this crap... so I told him to get the **** out of my house. He is obviously doing more than drinking, alchohol doesn't do this to someone alone.

 

I texted his dad and told him the truth, that I am leaving him, that he constantly calls out of work because he is hungover or just getting home, that the only reason I am even telling him is because someone has to know the truth. If he doesn't get help he is going to wind up dead somewhere. I think he found out because now I am "dead" to him. Which is fine, I didn't do it to be spiteful I did it because he really needs help and maybe this is his only hope.

 

My friend is applying to take over my apartment today but I won't be able to leave until August.

 

He won't be around for a couple days, or so he says. And says him and all his stuff will be gone for good by next week. I told him I am sad it's come to this and didn't understand but that I just have to accept it. His response was "We are done. Over. Just be nice to me. I'll be gone forever soon."

 

First of all I feel like he is fighting to take control back and that's why he is responding and acting this way. He has to be in control.but anyway I am also obviously just hurting pretty badly. I feel like the last year and 8 months of him loving me has been a lie. There's a lot of pain. I am finding it hard to eat and sleep and function, even though I am working and trying to stay busy. It's very hard to watch my life and the love of my life and what I thought I had and wanted come crumbling down...

 

I know there is happiness on the other side of this but lord am I devastated right now.