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Circumstantial breakup, what's next?


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muffinman1127

Hi guys,

 

I know that most things work themselves out over time, but it is really therapeutic to hear other opinions when things are rough.

 

So here's my situation:

 

As always seems to be the case, I started seeing someone casually about 5 months before we would be spending a full summer in separate parts of the country. We meant to keep it casual, but things got really intense and we completely fell for each other. Fast forward to summer, we tried long distance for a week or so but then decided it was best to break up for summer so that we could be independent instead of attached through long distance. Breakup was mutual, but there was nothing bad about the relationship, just circumstance. We have talked every couple weeks, and I recently found out she is seeing someone else. We talked about it and she said it wasn't serious because she still has feelings for me and wasn't ready to put walls down for someone else. We are both young, and I just graduated university so it was unsure if we would love in the same place again. As circumstance would have it, we are going to be in the same city after summer and then I'm moving to work where she plans on moving. We had talked about getting back together after summer, but she thought we would be far apart. When I told her about us being in the same place, she said it changed things and that there was a lot to think about. However, she is still seeing someone casually and it will be over a month before summer is over.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar to this. I don't want to dwell on the relationship but I also really want it to work out. It's a very confusing middle ground and I don't know how to handle it. Thanks for reading, I would love to hear opinions :)

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When whatever broke you apart -- here distance -- gets resolved there is no prohibition against trying again if that is what you both want.

 

Enjoy your summer. Don't worry about what she's doing.

 

When you relocate for your new job, consider that a fresh start. Go from there.

 

Congratulations on graduating & the job!

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muffinman1127

Thanks. She called me today and said that she needed to close the door on us because she was falling for the guy there. I'm really having a hard time now. I tried to make independent decisions but the town she is going to is rather small and though I feel like I want to be there still, I can't convince myself that she didn't impact the decision. I'm feeling extremely lost, she was my anchor even if we were technically broken up already, now that it's done for real (at least according to her) I don't know what to do.

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Sadly what you do is accept that it's over.

 

 

Circumstances kept you apart & for her that was so she could meet him. Have some faith that it means somebody else is out there for you.

 

 

Hang in there.

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FailedFirstLove
Thanks. She called me today and said that she needed to close the door on us because she was falling for the guy there. I'm really having a hard time now. I tried to make independent decisions but the town she is going to is rather small and though I feel like I want to be there still, I can't convince myself that she didn't impact the decision. I'm feeling extremely lost, she was my anchor even if we were technically broken up already, now that it's done for real (at least according to her) I don't know what to do.

 

 

In a way you she helped you. She gave you a clear answer and closure. Everytime you think about her maybe remind yourself what she said. She is falling for the other guy, not you. It will hurt and bleed but start scabbing after awhile

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muffinman1127

Thanks it really does help to hear reassurance. I think that this was the best thing to happen so that I don't make life decisions based on a really good but still short relationship. It's so hard for me to not hope for reconnection down the line but I guess I'll just have to wait.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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muffinman1127

Hi again,

 

Quick update on this, giving me a bit more uncertainty. We spoke about a month ago and she basically said that talking wasn't helping us and that I should find someone else to talk to (was having some troubles). I stopped communicating with her, trying to move on. I definitely started to feel better but still had and have feelings for her. Three weeks later she texted me asking how I was, saying things were rough and she missed talking to me. I was a bit reserved but she was very friendly and positive. I said I hadn't expected to hear from her and she apologized multiple times for texting me (I said it was okay but didn't talk for long). This threw me for a bit of a loop though, she will be back to the same city as me in a few weeks and we will be just a few miles away from each other for at least a few months. We share some good friends and will almost definitely end up seeing each other, and I'm not sure what will happen (or what could/should happen). I probably won't contact her to see if she says anything to me again, or otherwise so that I can move on. But given the opportunity I definitely think I would try to reconnect. Is that a mistake? Any insight helps, I know the situation is nothing crazy but it's hard to see clearly when you're in it, you know? Thanks!

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But given the opportunity I definitely think I would try to reconnect. Is that a mistake?

 

From the outside it doesn't look good, muffinman. Two others have said it's a no go already. Nothing you said changes that at all. In fact, when you say she told you to bark up someone else's tree, that was again a clear signal to buzz off. She sees you as a comfort friend to text, rarely. She notices you trying to pull the relationship back, she apologizes for texting because she knows she's jerked your chain and youre panting at her door again, and that is not what she wants.

 

As a young man, you should try and make your own mistakes, so try it. One way or the other, it should become clearer soon.

 

In short, the sage advice is to let it go now. Go NC and don't bother.

 

The trial and error advice is do what you already plan to do. Likely, you'll get tossed back outside, and maybe you'll see that you should bark up another tree for your own sake.

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From the outside it doesn't look good, muffinman. Two others have said it's a no go already. Nothing you said changes that at all. In fact, when you say she told you to bark up someone else's tree, that was again a clear signal to buzz off. She sees you as a comfort friend to text, rarely. She notices you trying to pull the relationship back, she apologizes for texting because she knows she's jerked your chain and youre panting at her door again, and that is not what she wants.

 

As a young man, you should try and make your own mistakes, so try it. One way or the other, it should become clearer soon.

 

In short, the sage advice is to let it go now. Go NC and don't bother.

 

The trial and error advice is do what you already plan to do. Likely, you'll get tossed back outside, and maybe you'll see that you should bark up another tree for your own sake.

 

 

I wouldn't go 2 foot near her dude. She uncertain stay away from uncertainty

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  • 1 month later...
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Hiya!

 

As I expected, things changed pretty fast when my ex got back into town. She came to pick up the last of her things and said that seeing each other in person changed things in a way. We started talking a little more but thing we're kind of weird, neither of us sure what was going on. About 2 weeks ago something came up with a mutual friend that led to us talking about what we wanted to do. I told the whole truth: I still have feelings for her but just want to be friends for now. We're young, weren't friends before we dated, and didn't break up for some big issue. She told me she still has feelings for me as well, but agrees about being friends. I figure that neither of us is ready to settle down, and if we are to really work out in the future then being friends should only be beneficial. Since then, we have talked or texted every day and spent some time together twice (we're both really busy, open to hanging out more but not much time). It feels good to me, I don't feel cheated or wanting more. Of course I would love drop everything and date again but I don't think that's right for us at the moment. I don't know if it's common for people to try to be friends under similar circumstances, or if I'm just crazy and stupid. Does anyone have anything to share like this? All I ever hear about is cutting exes out completely, I would love to hear more sides. Thanks guys :)

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