i don't understand, any male insights?

[FailedFirstLove]

I'm really struggling. It's now been 1 week complete no contact, before that it was just bread crumbs.

 

I just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm struggling with anxiety, with the thoughts in my head, I cannot sleep and it's making me worse.

 

My mood swings are all over the place. I can't handle the people at work right now. They get on my nerves.

I'm coming into work tired every day.

(Yes I am doing counselling and going out with friends maybe even too much that I'm exhausted). I feel like I need something new and exciting to keep me occupied everyday. If there isn't anything new then my mind goes thinking and thinking.

 

When will these nightmares end. I just want to sleep

[Axl88]

Hang on in there.

 

Its hard but you need to focus on something else, like long walks or something.

[Funny bunny]

Have you had an absolute "No, we re not getting back together" from the ex? I needed that for me to be like "ok this person doesn't love me enough to stay and work things out so I need to get through this"

 

I am two months post breakup. 3 weeks NC now and i screwed up my relationship so the guilt is for me to bear. We are here with you and going through the same thing. Sadness, regret, guilt, depression. You are not alone. God loves us all and he created us with special gifts. Remember that you are not alone. One moment at a time. That's what I keep telling myself. One moment at a time. What are you doing this vet moment?

[d0nnivain]

The nightmares will end when you accept that it's over. Your anxiety most likely stems from when you think about what your EX is doing now & with who. It's no longer your business. When those thoughts invade you have to say "we're broken up; they can do whatever & I can't do a thing about it." Then force yourself to think about what you can do to make positive changes in your life.

[FailedFirstLove]

Have you had an absolute "No, we re not getting back together" from the ex? I needed that for me to be like "ok this person doesn't love me enough to stay and work things out so I need to get through this"

 

I am two months post breakup. 3 weeks NC now and i screwed up my relationship so the guilt is for me to bear. We are here with you and going through the same thing. Sadness, regret, guilt, depression. You are not alone. God loves us all and he created us with special gifts. Remember that you are not alone. One moment at a time. That's what I keep telling myself. One moment at a time. What are you doing this vet moment?

 

 

 

 

 

Hey no I haven't. That's the problem. He is going through a lot. His uncle is dying in hospital. His grandma had a stroke and was most likely going to pass away and something about his Aunty. He closed off completely.

 

I've asked him honestly if he still wanted to be with me and he wouldn't reply. Previously he told me he needs time to find his passion and happiness. His going through so much his lost who he is. He doesn't love himself anymore.

 

But it went on and on and I couldn't handle it. And he is now going to the gym and working out and seems to be posting on Instagram. I didn't look but my friend told me. But I'm trying to not think the worst because people cope differently.

[Funny bunny]

That really is unfair because hearing an absolute no would help. If anything you cansay something like "I know you are going through a lot right now and I hope you are doing okay. I am willing to work through our problems because I love you. Do you feel the same? A yes or no reply is all I need. This would greatly give me peace of mind"

 

this is for your own closure because it seems like you have been left with doubts. My ex gave me an absolute no so I understood he didn't love me enough to work through the problems and this final no gave me the push to move on. Today I smiled more than I have in two months and I've only been NC for three weeks. The advantage I had before my breakup was that he moves away 4 mos ago so we had been seeing each other less. Be patient with yourself and it's OK to cry, bawl, need to sleep next to your mom. Yes I did all those things to cope with the emptiness. We are all here for you and you are not alone.

[Funny bunny]

Oh yeah and those things I mentioned, the bawling etc. I'm a 28 year old operating room nurse who had to move back to to cope and not feel so alone. Surround yourself with your loved ones and talk to them. It will be okay. We can do this! I've also found that being kind to those around you makes you feel good about yourself. I get so much satisfaction when someone feels the warmth I give them.

[FailedFirstLove]

That really is unfair because hearing an absolute no would help. If anything you cansay something like "I know you are going through a lot right now and I hope you are doing okay. I am willing to work through our problems because I love you. Do you feel the same? A yes or no reply is all I need. This would greatly give me peace of mind"

 

this is for your own closure because it seems like you have been left with doubts. My ex gave me an absolute no so I understood he didn't love me enough to work through the problems and this final no gave me the push to move on. Today I smiled more than I have in two months and I've only been NC for three weeks. The advantage I had before my breakup was that he moves away 4 mos ago so we had been seeing each other less. Be patient with yourself and it's OK to cry, bawl, need to sleep next to your mom. Yes I did all those things to cope with the emptiness. We are all here for you and you are not alone.

 

 

Hey funny bunny

Thank you very much it just helps to know that people are going through the same thing.

He kept telling me that he needs all his **** to be over and for him to heal from it. Could take weeks or months but he still loves me. He showed me he still had my photo in his wallet. But I can't just keep in touch with him as friends cause I'm scared to death of being strung along. He said he doesn't open up. He is pushing his family away as well and keeps hurting them. And he hasn't told anyone. No friends or anything. I'm the only one that knows his uncle and grandma are in hospital. I don't think he knows.

He posted photos of himself on Instagram topless.cause his been going to the gym. So I'm guessing that it's his way of making himself feel better and finding his "passion".

[FailedFirstLove]

Oh yeah and those things I mentioned, the bawling etc. I'm a 28 year old operating room nurse who had to move back to to cope and not feel so alone. Surround yourself with your loved ones and talk to them. It will be okay. We can do this! I've also found that being kind to those around you makes you feel good about yourself. I get so much satisfaction when someone feels the warmth I give them.

 

I still live at home but my parents don't understand and I don't talk to them about this stuff. At the beginning they gave him a call to see if his uncle was ok but he started bawling his eyes out. I told them to leave him be.

 

 

His also not stable. He knows it himself. He said if he came back now we would end up breaking up cause he can't control his emotion. Which is true cause if I ask about us he would lose it. He gets so angry so easily. Never been like this before. He has zero patience now.

[FailedFirstLove]

Can anyone give me some insight into what is going on?

 

We've had rough patches few months before the breakup. He lost his job which he was so proud of and he loves working. It was very hard on the both of us.

He is a very blunt person and would say things how it is. It gets him in trouble at times.

 

 

2 months ago his closest uncle went into hospital. Critical virus that was killing him very fast. He has been in there for now almost 2 months and they kept saying he won't make it, he pulled through those times but is deteriorating really fast.

His dog who was there for him through everything is very old and will probably pass away soon.

 

He was showing barely any emotions. Always at the hospital and didn't communicate with me. I was so upset I told him I couldn't do it anymore. Yes I regretted it and I tried to talk to him.

 

First couple weeks he was a train wreck. He would go absolute crazy and angry. He wasn't himself and he knew it. I couldn't talk to him or ask questions. When he calmed down a little bit he told me that he still loves me but he is toxic right now. He has a lot going on and he has lost himself. He doesn't know what his passion is anymore and he needs to find that. He said he had alof going on with family and fighting etc. he told me he needed everything to clear up first so he can heal from it cause it's so much for him. One minute he was off his head. The next he said he regretted pushing me away and he missed me etc etc. but he said we can't be together now because he can't control himself. He loses it and doesn't want to go off at me because it hurts him. He said if we got back together it would end because he is toxic and our relationship was suffering towards the end. He won't answer if we will be together again cause he doesn't want to hurt me incase we don't.

 

It felt like he was stringing me along and I was honest with him about it. And he said he understands it looks that way. His went on for a month. Back and forth cause I have anxiety and I would get so upset and ask him if he wanted to be with me. During that time I would get stupid things in my head. Eg he had someone else and I would just lose it at him. And he would say how on earth do u even think that. I've been at the hospital and u can even check the log here.

 

And he posted on Instagram with him going to gym and working on his body. And he said to me that he goes to the gym to get away from everything. It hurts me because I felt like he was showing the world how happy he was but he said he didn't even want to live anymore. I kept asking him to go to a psychologist and he told me he tried two sessions but he can't handle it anymore.

 

He is also the type that won't tel anyone. So no one apart from me on his side that knows about his family in hospital. He pretends to everyone like everything is fine.

 

 

Abit 3 weeks ago he told me his grandma had a stroke and was going to pass away. I wanted to support him but I just couldn't be friends wit him. It killed me inside every single day and I was so worried he would move on and I would be stuck. So I told him that I couldn't do this. He goes off at me and he said he hurts so much afterwards but he couldn't control it. He said his cut off everyone close to him. Including me and his family. He just doesn't talk.

I've gone no contact for almost 3 weeks now. And he hasn't contacted anymore. I think his posting on Instagram with body photos etc a lot but oven blocked him.

 

I just don't understand what's going on. I get so much anxiety and I worry at times. I know I have NO PATIENCE but I just want to know. And his left me and our dog who he loves so much. He said he misses us and still has a photo of me in his wallet and he showed it to me in a photo. He said he has no one else.

 

Anyone have anything for me? Any clue what is going on. I'm so lost confused. He is a mess and so am I. Has he moved on? Am I just an idiot? I had my faults in it as well but I wanted to work on it

[FailedFirstLove]

He also said that he doesn't Love himself. But he kept saying he regrets pushing me away but he doesn't do anything. When we spoke a month ago he also said it could be a few weeks or a few months cause the issues won't go away and it looks like everyone is still in limbo. His grandma was suppose to have been let go because she couldn't breathe on her own anymore but I'm not sure since we've been in no contact.

But he posts on Instagram. so he seems fine

 

I've been counselling but I haven't found a way to cope with the anxiety. My mood swings are everywhere and I miss him so badly and want to contact but I know it won't do any good. I don't want to push him anymore because he said he feels guilty as it is.

 

Do guys move on just like that? Do they not think or miss me.

 

When we were together he wud never let us break up. He held us together but he said he can't anymore cause there's so much

[SammySammy]

Stop trying to fix it. Often, the best thing we can do for a person going through emotional turmoil is be there for them. Do nothing but be present and available as they work through their issues.

 

I understand you were in a relationship with him and have your own needs and concerns. Can't accept or deal with the not talking. Not knowing what the future holds.

 

Which is why I think it's best for you to be single for a while. For your sanity and his. Because you can't fix his problems or this relationship on your own.

 

Move on with your life. If and when he's willing to talk or deal with your relationship constructively in the future, be there to listen. In times of great pain, compassion is the only salve. But, you have to take care of yourself also. So, move on with peace ... and compassion.

[FailedFirstLove]

Stop trying to fix it. Often, the best thing we can do for a person going through emotional turmoil is be there for them. Do nothing but be present and available as they work through their issues.

 

I understand you were in a relationship with him and have your own needs and concerns. Can't accept or deal with the not talking. Not knowing what the future holds.

 

Which is why I think it's best for you to be single for a while. For your sanity and his. Because you can't fix his problems or this relationship on your own.

 

Move on with your life. If and when he's willing to talk or deal with your relationship constructively in the future, be there to listen. In times of great pain, compassion is the only salve. But, you have to take care of yourself also. So, move on with peace ... and compassion.

 

 

 

I failed at being there for him. I just couldn't understand and it was hurting me and then I would harass him. And he would go off. So I decided that being in touch while this is going on is too hard. I can't be there as friends.

 

I wish I could move on. I don't know why I worry about him. I feel so ****ty. Should I have been there for him as a friend? So he has someone and stoped being selfish and asking him about us

[FailedFirstLove]

I listened to my friend a lot. They've been burnt by guys before and they're always telling me it doesn't matter what his going through. He does not need to act this way. He could contact me and communicate. His just stringing me along now cause his fine.

 

He goes to the gym. Posts his body photos etc. he is completely fine. Everytime I listened to them I wud be so upset and angry at him. And that set him off took has the damage been done.

The last communication was almost 3 weeks where he messaged me and went off at me cause he thought that I opened his mail. No I did not touch it. I mailed his old bank statement and documents t him. He didn't read it properly and went off first.

[Chi townD]

Sounds like sever depression. His uncle (to which, I can assume he was close with) dies. His dog is on deaths door, his girlfriend leaves him and he's told that his grandmother has a stroke and doesn't have much longer. To him, it feels like anyone he loves just ends up leaving him. So, he's putting up a wall around himself.

[SevenCity]

Tough love here. You left a man at his lowest point. Guys don't forget about that. Any one of those things will cause issues but job loss and death and you leaving him will likely never be forgotten.

 

Don't read too much into his posts. Guys are proud and are always told to show a brav e face. It doesn't mean that we are not broken up inside.

 

Guys also deal with problems internally as opposed to women who like to talk about them. This may appear like we are shutting you out but it's how we deal with issues. When we need help, we'll ask. But we need to work them out internally first.

 

Bottom line is you abandoned him at his worst and he will likely never forget it. There is nothing more you can do but leave him alone. If he wants to rekindle he will reach out to you.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a man, but the problem here is that he was running on empty but you were expecting him to provide emotional support to you that he just didn't have.

 

 

His had a lot going on

 

 

• job loss
  
• closest uncle dying in hospital over an extended period
  
• old dog
  
• family fights
  
• his grandmother's stroke
  

To combat all that he goes to the gym to clear his head. A lot of people need that alone time & those endorphins to cope.

 

 

Instead of supporting him & taking burdens away from him or even just giving him a safe, quiet, happy place to be in your loving arms you expected him to fix your anxiety. You wanted him to stop going to the gym. You admit you had no patience.

 

 

He understood that his life being a mess made him toxic & unpleasant to be around. He said things that depressed people say when their self esteem takes a hit like he's no good for you. Yet you pestered & put him in a position where he felt compelled to invite you to confirm his whereabouts at the hospital

 

 

He was never stringing you along. You failed to realize that with everything else going on his life -- including some life & death family situations -- he did not have the wherewithal to accommodate your insecurities. He doesn't have the time or the emotional energy to "work on" anything right now. He can't give you what you are selfishly demanding until he 1). gets a job and 2). the medical conditions or his grandmother & uncle stabilize. When they pass it is going to take many MONTHS for him to grieve their deaths.

 

 

You & this romance will have to take a back seat to those tragedies for a while. If you can't accept that & prop him up without wanting anything in return just let him go. He needs more support then you can provide.

 

 

Your friends who are giving you advice seem selfish & small minded. They are takers. This man needed a giver. You can't be that for him so leave him alone.

Edited July 10, 2017 by d0nnivain

[Redhead14]

I failed at being there for him. I just couldn't understand and it was hurting me and then I would harass him. And he would go off. So I decided that being in touch while this is going on is too hard. I can't be there as friends.

 

I wish I could move on. I don't know why I worry about him. I feel so ****ty. Should I have been there for him as a friend? So he has someone and stoped being selfish and asking him about us

 

I failed at being there for him -- In order to be successful at being "there" for someone, they have to actually want you to be "there" for them.

 

That being said, men often prefer to deal with their emotions/problems, themselves, and they do pull away a little bit from a partner. But a partner who is pushing the other away to the extent he did, indicates a lack of a deep enough connection for them anyway. The more you pull on a struggling partner/person, the more they will back away. It causes more anxiety and stress because on top of whatever they are struggling with.

 

This guy is not good relationship material for you. Plain and simple. Keep with the NO CONTACT and don't respond to him if he does contact you. Let this go.

Edited July 10, 2017 by Redhead14

[SammySammy]

I'm not a man, but the problem here is that he was running on empty but you were expecting him to provide emotional support to you that he just didn't have.

 

 

His had a lot going on

 

 

• job loss
  
• closest uncle dying in hospital over an extended period
  
• old dog
  
• family fights
  
• his grandmother's stroke
  

To combat all that he goes to the gym to clear his head. A lot of people need that alone time & those endorphins to cope.

 

 

Instead of supporting him & taking burdens away from him or even just giving him a safe, quiet, happy place to be in your loving arms you expected him to fix your anxiety. You wanted him to stop going to the gym. You admit you had no patience.

 

 

He understood that his life being a mess made him toxic & unpleasant to be around. He said things that depressed people say when their self esteem takes a hit like he's no good for you. Yet you pestered & put him in a position where he felt compelled to invite you to confirm his whereabouts at the hospital

 

 

He was never stringing you along. You failed to realize that with everything else going on his life -- including some life & death family situations -- he did not have the wherewithal to accommodate your insecurities. He doesn't have the time or the emotional energy to "work on" anything right now. He can't give you what you are selfishly demanding until he 1). gets a job and 2). the medical conditions or his grandmother & uncle stabilize. When they pass it is going to take many MONTHS for him to grieve their deaths.

 

 

You & this romance will have to take a back seat to those tragedies for a while. If you can't accept that & prop him up without wanting anything in return just let him go. He needs more support then you can provide.

 

 

Your friends who are giving you advice seem selfish & small minded. They are takers. This man needed a giver. You can't be that for him so leave him alone.

 

Said it better than I could.

 

OP, listen to her. That's wisdom and experience speaking.

[FailedFirstLove]

I'm not a man, but the problem here is that he was running on empty but you were expecting him to provide emotional support to you that he just didn't have.

 

 

His had a lot going on

 

 

• job loss
  
• closest uncle dying in hospital over an extended period
  
• old dog
  
• family fights
  
• his grandmother's stroke
  

To combat all that he goes to the gym to clear his head. A lot of people need that alone time & those endorphins to cope.

 

 

Instead of supporting him & taking burdens away from him or even just giving him a safe, quiet, happy place to be in your loving arms you expected him to fix your anxiety. You wanted him to stop going to the gym. You admit you had no patience.

 

 

He understood that his life being a mess made him toxic & unpleasant to be around. He said things that depressed people say when their self esteem takes a hit like he's no good for you. Yet you pestered & put him in a position where he felt compelled to invite you to confirm his whereabouts at the hospital

 

 

He was never stringing you along. You failed to realize that with everything else going on his life -- including some life & death family situations -- he did not have the wherewithal to accommodate your insecurities. He doesn't have the time or the emotional energy to "work on" anything right now. He can't give you what you are selfishly demanding until he 1). gets a job and 2). the medical conditions or his grandmother & uncle stabilize. When they pass it is going to take many MONTHS for him to grieve their deaths.

 

 

You & this romance will have to take a back seat to those tragedies for a while. If you can't accept that & prop him up without wanting anything in return just let him go. He needs more support then you can provide.

 

 

Your friends who are giving you advice seem selfish & small minded. They are takers. This man needed a giver. You can't be that for him so leave him alone.

 

 

He wouldn't come to me or talk about anything. He was impossible for anyone to talk to.

I didn't want him to stop going to the gym. I think it's very good for him. I just never expected him to take half naked photos and post it

I actually applied for the jobs for him till he got one. His been in it for about 2 months now.

[FailedFirstLove]

Tough love here. You left a man at his lowest point. Guys don't forget about that. Any one of those things will cause issues but job loss and death and you leaving him will likely never be forgotten.

 

Don't read too much into his posts. Guys are proud and are always told to show a brav e face. It doesn't mean that we are not broken up inside.

 

Guys also deal with problems internally as opposed to women who like to talk about them. This may appear like we are shutting you out but it's how we deal with issues. When we need help, we'll ask. But we need to work them out internally first.

 

Bottom line is you abandoned him at his worst and he will likely never forget it. There is nothing more you can do but leave him alone. If he wants to rekindle he will reach out to you.

 

I've abandoned him for the last 3 weeks because it was taking an emotional toll on me. After our breakup we were talking and normal but it got to a point where I just didn't know what was going on anymore. I didn't want to keep crying over it everyday so I've stopped contacting and told him I can't be friends now. I don't know if I will be in the future.

[FailedFirstLove]

He wouldn't come to me or talk about anything. He was impossible for anyone to talk to.

I didn't want him to stop going to the gym. I think it's very good for him. I just never expected him to take half naked photos and post it

I actually applied for the jobs for him till he got one. His been in it for about 2 months now.

 

 

 

When I say no patience is no patience to handle him going off. He says a lot of nasty things when he does and he knows he does it. He needs to get help cause he can't handle it or fix it on his own.

I didn't want to just abandon him but I also now have my own issues I need to fix and the counsellor and everyone around me said we shouldn't talk to each other right now. At the same time I couldn't handle anymore abuse from him. It's not like him and to hear it just hurts. Can't ask him anything he will just go off

[FailedFirstLove]

Tough love here. You left a man at his lowest point. Guys don't forget about that. Any one of those things will cause issues but job loss and death and you leaving him will likely never be forgotten.

 

Don't read too much into his posts. Guys are proud and are always told to show a brav e face. It doesn't mean that we are not broken up inside.

 

Guys also deal with problems internally as opposed to women who like to talk about them. This may appear like we are shutting you out but it's how we deal with issues. When we need help, we'll ask. But we need to work them out internally first.

 

Bottom line is you abandoned him at his worst and he will likely never forget it. There is nothing more you can do but leave him alone. If he wants to rekindle he will reach out to you.

 

 

I was crying and he got back from the hospital. I told him what the issue was and he just had no emotions. All he ever told me those few days was. My uncles in hospital. I told him I couldn't do it and he said he knows but please don't regret us.

We were friends for about two months and I was helping him apply for the jobs and was a reference for him. I didn't want it to become friends with benefits cause I can't do that.

[d0nnivain]

In times of emotional crisis, men retreat. Women rally their friends for support. Your EX acted like a man. He shut down & pulled away but he still put up a brave front on social media. You wanted him to open up to you; in essence you expected him to handle his emotional crisis like a woman. Men don't work like that.

 

 

You can't be "just friends" with somebody initially after the break up & all you do is prolong your own healing when you foolishly try.

 

 

You have your own stuff going on & he's never going to be the emotional open book you want. Let things be over & move on.

[fieldoflavender]

Sometimes you feel that you don't really want to be there to handle all the stuff for people anymore. If that's how you feel - then it's okay to leave. But leaving someone at their lowest, people don't forget that either. But it's okay - people would rather you leave than stay and pretend you want to be there for them and then leave later when it doesn't look that bad (my case).