I think my insecurities destroyed us even though I felt my insecurities were signs.

[Ronni]

I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years and for the last 12 months we have argued for about 80% of that time. Most of the arguments are due to my insecurities and overthinking. She has never gave me any indication that she has been cheating but let me first start where my insecurities came from:

 

Her baby's Father: it's the first time in my life I have had to deal with an ex in a relationship and their relationship is dead and is solely about their child. Part of me believed she still had feelings for him and that it doesn't just die. (She divorced him 2 years before she met me) I hated the fact he would call on the phone and come around to pick the child up for the weekend. I used to watch them talking and sometimes they would laugh about things which made me paranoid to death. My gf said to me "you need to accept that he is a part of the childs life" I said I understand and I am sorry for behaving like this and I won't do it again. I did it again and again and again, every time he came around I would ask what they spoke about etc and it began to put my girlfriend on egg shells. I accused her of putting on make up for him and was generally being silly.

 

I would ask questions about their relationship and ask her if she is more happy with me than she was with him. She would never speak about it so I said "Is it still raw? Does it hurt to speak about it?" This would result in an argument and both of us would lose our temper.

 

With all this going on for months and months, I always thought my girlfriend was harbouring feelings for her ex because she would never speak about it. Sometimes she would say "I divorced him for a reason, I don't want him"

Communication isn't her strongest point and I used to let my mind get the better of me with overthinking rubbish. I began to dread the phone calls and I would want to know what waa being spoken about. Her ex knew about our relationship and there were times I would take the child to him and pick the child up from him. I fully believe there was nothing going on, just a civil matter being done in a responsible way.

 

But as this was going on my girlfriend seemed to becoming distant with me, even when things were going well she would appear distant and cold. She would show no affection and I would have no idea why. Our sex life cooled off a bit and both of us seemed to walk around the house miserable. But I didn't understand what was making her appear distant so I became insecure:

 

"Do you love me because you never tell me"

"How come you never kissed or hugged me when I came in?"

"Why don't you touch me anymore"

"Why do you turn your back on me when we get into bed?"

"Why are you distancing yourself from me" "I'm not" she would say.

 

She nagged me for not doing enough around the house even though I thought I was doing my fair share. She said she finds it hard to live with someone as she is used to being independant.

 

"Shall I just go then?" I would say. She never wanted to break up because as soon as I would threaten to break up she would say "I'll stop being distant and make more of an effort"

 

Sometimes when things were going well it would be great. Both of us would seem happy, but then one moment of madness would ruin it all. "What was your wedding day like" I asked one night. "Why don't you want to marry me?"

She said "I don't want to get married again, I made a mistake"

"But if you love me why wouldn't you marry me" I asked

"I don't want to get married, can you just drop it!"

I asked about her wedding and she said she got caught up in it, planning a wedding and getting married in a hot country made her happy and hearing this made me jealous.

 

Then my insecurities would kick in and I would make comparisons between me and her ex. This would drive her mad and we would fall out. We never split but she wanted a break from the relationship. A few days later we would be together again and all would appear fine, she was still distant and we were due to go on vacation as a family.

 

Two whole weeks of arguing. I asked her one day if she had seen any eye candy, I accused her of flirting with a bar man, I moaned at her for smoking all the time. I asked if she loved me and wanted to be with me. I just nagged her over her being cold to me.

 

We got back from our vacation and she said she doesn't know what she wants. She loves me but isn't in love with me. When I asked her why she says "We have argued all the time for the past 12 months over s**t!"

 

There is more to it than I mention. It isn't just her ex we have argued about: we have argued about:

 

Her not spending her birthday with me

Her not buying me a birthday gift

I have accused her of looking at other men

She has said I don't do enough around the house

We have argued about her lack of attention for me

She hardly wants to spend time with me just as the two of us

 

Can I mention some good points?

 

We have great sex

I am very affectionate towards her even though she might not be the same back.

I have a fantastic relationship with her child, we spend a lot of time together and I always take the child places and make a lot of time for them. We get on great and I love them very much. ( the childs father only sees them once or twice a month and he never bothered with them for the first two years of their life)

 

My girlfriend says she hates him but I ask why do you hate him? That means you still have feelings.

 

We do have good times and we are both good people to each other. I just tend to let insecurities ruin things and I have been trying to stop for a long time. We seem to be in a vicious cycle and its hard to get out of it. We both want things to go back to normal but right now it is looking difficult. Too much has happened. I don't want to lose her and I want to make it work. How do we get out of this mess we are in?

 

I am due to be working away for 3 months next month and she said it might do us good. I fear it could end us. Who knows? I am giving her some space for a few days starting today, I am struggling as I feel I have lost her. I want things to work and I want her to find me attractive again. Is it possible? Is her heart elsewhere? Should I be prepared for a permanent split? She kissed me this morning on her way out and told me she loves me. I am packing up my things and going today, do I need to stop texting her for a few days? What if she texts me? What if she calls? What do I do? She said she doesn't know what she wants so shall I just leave her to it?

 

I really have messed up. I ruin everything.

 

If I have missed anything I will add. I sound crazy but its not as bad as it sounds, I just analyse her every word and scrutinise it. I overthink every situation.

 

UPDATE: As I am writing this I have just had a phone call from her. She is at work and on lunch, just a quick chat and she said a few days apart will do us good and we both need it. I tell her I am at home (I'm not I am still at her house) and she asked me if I am coming back later. (It doesn't make sense) I said "do you want me to stay the night" she said "if you want to yeah" I don't get it. Is she saying this because I told her I have gone home? On one hand she says we need space but on the other she asks if I am coming back later? What is going on?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you have to get a handle on yourself and your insecurities.

 

My ex was very similar and I eventually just couldn't take it anymore and left. It's exhausting and a total turn-off.

 

You've essentially painted her into a corner with the questions you ask: there is no "right" way for her to answer you without you becoming upset and suspicious. You get upset when she talks about her ex and you get upset when she doesn't. It was the same with my ex; I was damned if I did and damned if i didn't. He also frequently accused me of checking out other men when I never did. We could never just relax and have a nice time together without him constantly scrutinizing me and jumping to paranoid conclusions. I became hyper-aware of my own surroundings lest I happen to glance in the wrong direction and be accused of looking at a guy. Honestly - it happened so often I came to dread going anywhere with him and I eventually just didn't want to be around him at all.

 

Making this worse is that she has a child. This isn't healthy for the little to observe either.

 

Now that you realize this is indeed a serious problem, what are you going to do about it? Have you sought therapy? It would be beneficial to figure out where exactly this is all coming from and what you can do when you feel insecure and jealous to constructively deal with those feelings rather punish her. You might also want to look into something called morbid jealousy. I had never heard of it until I did a little online research in a desperate bid to understand what the heck was going on with my ex. Because unless and until you take steps to work on your insecurity instead of projecting them all on her, your relationship will not survive.

 

She might already be past the point of no return. It's hard to say, because she sounds confused herself. Give her breathing room. In the meantime, start the inner work you will need to do to live a happier life.

[Ronni]

OP, you have to get a handle on yourself and your insecurities.

 

My ex was very similar and I eventually just couldn't take it anymore and left. It's exhausting and a total turn-off.

 

You've essentially painted her into a corner with the questions you ask: there is no "right" way for her to answer you without you becoming upset and suspicious. You get upset when she talks about her ex and you get upset when she doesn't. It was the same with my ex; I was damned if I did and damned if i didn't. He also frequently accused me of checking out other men when I never did. We could never just relax and have a nice time together without him constantly scrutinizing me and jumping to paranoid conclusions. I became hyper-aware of my own surroundings lest I happen to glance in the wrong direction and be accused of looking at a guy. Honestly - it happened so often I came to dread going anywhere with him and I eventually just didn't want to be around him at all.

 

Making this worse is that she has a child. This isn't healthy for the little to observe either.

 

Now that you realize this is indeed a serious problem, what are you going to do about it? Have you sought therapy? It would be beneficial to figure out where exactly this is all coming from and what you can do when you feel insecure and jealous to constructively deal with those feelings rather punish her. You might also want to look into something called morbid jealousy. I had never heard of it until I did a little online research in a desperate bid to understand what the heck was going on with my ex. Because unless and until you take steps to work on your insecurity instead of projecting them all on her, your relationship will not survive.

 

She might already be past the point of no return. It's hard to say, because she sounds confused herself. Give her breathing room. In the meantime, start the inner work you will need to do to live a happier life.

 

Thank you for your reply, it makes a lot of sense. Its as if I thrive on drama and being hotheaded over things when there is no reason to be that way. I beg for her to love me and whilst she is distant I carry on being insecure, hence the vicious cycle. I agree with the point of no return remark, it is almost difficult to fix. I want her to be happy and the only solution is time apart.

 

She gets easily stressed over small things in regards to life. It could be that she needs to do something, pay a bill, make an important phone call etc and she worries over situations she has no control over, when she is stressed she becomes distant and she doesn't communicate her feelings or her thoughts. She keeps things in. I often tell her she needs to talk to me more about whats going on with her and her life and to include me more in things. Communicating her feelings is not something that she does and it can be hard for me dealing with that

[desertsession]

Whether she comes back or not is irrelevant right now (obviously, to you, it's not). You really must speak to a professional about your jealousy issues because if you don't work on solving them, and she does come back, she will eventually go for good.

 

I used to have jealousy issues, not as bad as yours. I used to ask lots of questions about her nights out, who she'd been with, if anyone had tried to chat her up etc. Utterly pointless questions that served only to show me in a terrible light.

 

I had some therapy for this three years ago, and I believe it did a great deal. You have to understand the things that trigger it internally and learn to spot those signs and stop them.

[Ronni]

Whether she comes back or not is irrelevant right now (obviously, to you, it's not). You really must speak to a professional about your jealousy issues because if you don't work on solving them, and she does come back, she will eventually go for good.

 

I used to have jealousy issues, not as bad as yours. I used to ask lots of questions about her nights out, who she'd been with, if anyone had tried to chat her up etc. Utterly pointless questions that served only to show me in a terrible light.

 

I had some therapy for this three years ago, and I believe it did a great deal. You have to understand the things that trigger it internally and learn to spot those signs and stop them.

 

Its triggered by her being off and distant with me. I just don't understand the situation right now and never understood how a person can just switch their feelings off like a switch.

[central]

If you treat someone with distrust, and treat them like crap, at some point love can almost instantaneously turn to distaste or even hate. I think you pushed her past that point with your insecurities and behaviors.

[1fish2fish]

 

She gets easily stressed over small things in regards to life. It could be that she needs to do something, pay a bill, make an important phone call etc and she worries over situations she has no control over, when she is stressed she becomes distant and she doesn't communicate her feelings or her thoughts. She keeps things in. I often tell her she needs to talk to me more about whats going on with her and her life and to include me more in things. Communicating her feelings is not something that she does and it can be hard for me dealing with that

 

Your initial post made me exhausted just reading it!

 

But I want to address this paragraph. As someone who gets worn out by "the little things" - running errands, paying bills, etc...I kind of understand her shutting down. I do that, too, to conserve mental energy - taking care of a house on my own can be oh so exhausting, and I don't have any kids!

 

The next time you see her stressed out from day to day tasks, don't make it about you. Instead, ask, "How can I help?" And then do it without comment or complaint or question. She needs to know that she can depend on you to be a partner - a teammate. When you let your insecurities take over, you become as needy as her child!

 

Or...if you go over to her place and see something that needs to be done - mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, taking out the trash...just do it! Trust me, that goes a LONG way!

 

In the meantime, please work on your inner self esteem and kill those insecurities. Insecurity on my ex-bf's behalf is what killed our relationship (although the root of it was addiction.) But laziness and not being a teammate is what killed my marriage.

[d0nnivain]

She gets off & distant when you start acting like a Stage-5 Cling-on.

 

 

The reality is your insecurities are killing this relationship. When you act like a crazy jealous person you are not attractive & she doesn't want to be around you. It's not about her choosing the baby daddy. It's about her rejecting you when you act like this. It has nothing to do with him except in your mind.

 

 

You can't trust your instincts. You are too paranoid.

 

 

The time apart will do her good. She's going to learn what it feels like to have peace in her life again. You are going to drive yourself bonkers. When you get nutty, you will leach on to her & make everything worse.

 

 

You either believe in her or you don't. It's as simply as that, even though it's tough.

 

 

This baby dad will be around FOREVER. He will be there always. Even if you & the GF get married & 50 years down the road he may still attend the funeral to support his child. If you can't wrap your head around that, do not ever date women with kids. It's a package deal.

[basil67]

There is nothing wrong with her communication. She told you loud and clear that she harbours no feelings for him and her actions matched her words. Her refusing to engage in further conversation about this was her drawing up personal boundaries and not rewarding your insecure behaviour. I would have done exactly the same in her shoes.

 

The fact that you kept harping at her and fighting over this would have been the cause of her rejecting and then falling out of love with you.

 

I really don't see that she's done anything wrong. She's probably regretting not leaving earlier, but I guess she needed to be sure.

 

If there's any recovery? The only chance you have is to STOP this questioning of her. If she's overwhelmed, don't add to her stress by making her talk - just offer help. STOP asking her to talk about her ex. Be cool or be gone.

Edited June 28, 2017 by basil67

[Ronni]

Just a quick update:

 

I stayed with her last night and went to work today, she asked me to stay at hers tonight but she won't be there as she is on a night shift. I told her I'll be getting my stuff together ready for the weekend and she seemed surprised I was going back home. She then said it is probably for the best and a few days apart is what is needed. She says she is unsure what she wants but her behaviour suggests she does want me. She has text me today as if things were normal. I am a bit confused...

[d0nnivain]

If you can accept her behavior as showing she wants you, do that. Let her set the pace & things should be fine.

 

 

They get weird when you start pushing for more verbal reassurance because you are insecure.

 

 

Alas I fear that you won't be able to accept the behavior & you will push for constant verbal reassurance because of your paranoia. The more you do that, the more she will pull away.

 

 

If you can control yourself things should be fine. Can you do it?

[ExpatInItaly]

And again I ask, what are you going to do to work on your destructive jealousy and insecurity?

 

You complain she doesn't communicate her feelings, but OP, you have not created a safe place for her to share. She feels judged and disrespected. You punish her for talking, you punish her for not talking. What is she supposed to do?

 

Speaking from experience, one on the receiving end of constant mistrust, accusations and mistreatment eventually shuts down. This is why she is distant from you - you have pushed her there.

 

Whether she stays the night tonight or tomorrow or whenever isn't the point. You need to start taking steps immediately to address your own unreasonable behaviour, or I promise you that she will soon leave for good. She's already teetering on that point; now is your chance to act and take accountability. My ex waited until it was too late and I wanted him out of my life forever. There was no going back.

[Miss Peach]

Your initial post made me exhausted just reading it!

 

This was my initial reaction. I would have left a long time ago.

 

OP, you have to get a handle on yourself and your insecurities.

 

My ex was very similar and I eventually just couldn't take it anymore and left. It's exhausting and a total turn-off.

 

I've been through the same. Maybe that's why I am so intolerant of it now.

 

But laziness and not being a teammate is what killed my marriage.

 

 

Totally agree. This killed one of my relationships as well.

 

I believe that everyone has a part in the dynamic. But it sounds like you didn't take any of the blame so to speak. It sounds like you pinned in on her being distant and nothing about your insecurities. You need to get them under control - if not for her then to have a shot at marriage with someone. This is also a bad dynamic to be exposing the child to as it's not a good model for a healthy relationship.

[Ronni]

If you can accept her behavior as showing she wants you, do that. Let her set the pace & things should be fine.

 

 

They get weird when you start pushing for more verbal reassurance because you are insecure.

 

 

Alas I fear that you won't be able to accept the behavior & you will push for constant verbal reassurance because of your paranoia. The more you do that, the more she will pull away.

 

 

If you can control yourself things should be fine. Can you do it?

 

Its the uncertainty that is hurting me right now but I have to understand this is what is needed. I asked her on the phone today if she has thought about what she wants and her reply was, she has been too busy today to think about it, she has to sort out a few financial things and her daughters dance lessons. I understand this but am I not on her mind at all?

 

And again I ask, what are you going to do to work on your destructive jealousy and insecurity?

 

You complain she doesn't communicate her feelings, but OP, you have not created a safe place for her to share. She feels judged and disrespected. You punish her for talking, you punish her for not talking. What is she supposed to do?

 

Speaking from experience, one on the receiving end of constant mistrust, accusations and mistreatment eventually shuts down. This is why she is distant from you - you have pushed her there.

 

Whether she stays the night tonight or tomorrow or whenever isn't the point. You need to start taking steps immediately to address your own unreasonable behaviour, or I promise you that she will soon leave for good. She's already teetering on that point; now is your chance to act and take accountability. My ex waited until it was too late and I wanted him out of my life forever. There was no going back.

 

I've been in three relationships and this is the first one where I have acted like this, maybe I'm mentally ill? I don't know, I don't think I am but I do overthink a lot and I wish I didn't. I hold my hands up and admit I have struggled to cope with her having an ex husband on the scene, I have often felt like an outcast even though I play the parenting role well, I feel like I am not fully connected to them as I am not the childs real Dad and the three of us aren't bonded by blood.

 

What I always think is this: her ex gave her a wonderful gift, a gift that she cherishes more than anything. Now surely, as time goes on she and her ex are gonna build bridges and get back together due to having one amazing thing in common? I could be wrong but he gave her a precious child and I feel when wounds heal they will make another go at it. You have to remember she married him and had his baby, she has no intention of doing those things with me, she has told me. Maybe they are more suited to each other? They were only together for a couple of years but in that couple of years they done so much together. When the hatred subsides, her heart will yearn for him again. I guarantee it.

 

In terms of working on my issues, I'm prepared to sit back and think before I speak. I'll get over my issues but deep down I am always prepared for what I mention above.

[ExpatInItaly]

Its the uncertainty that is hurting me right now but I have to understand this is what is needed. I asked her on the phone today if she has thought about what she wants and her reply was, she has been too busy today to think about it, she has to sort out a few financial things and her daughters dance lessons. I understand this but am I not on her mind at all?

 

 

 

I've been in three relationships and this is the first one where I have acted like this, maybe I'm mentally ill? I don't know, I don't think I am but I do overthink a lot and I wish I didn't. I hold my hands up and admit I have struggled to cope with her having an ex husband on the scene, I have often felt like an outcast even though I play the parenting role well, I feel like I am not fully connected to them as I am not the childs real Dad and the three of us aren't bonded by blood.

 

What I always think is this: her ex gave her a wonderful gift, a gift that she cherishes more than anything. Now surely, as time goes on she and her ex are gonna build bridges and get back together due to having one amazing thing in common? I could be wrong but he gave her a precious child and I feel when wounds heal they will make another go at it. You have to remember she married him and had his baby, she has no intention of doing those things with me, she has told me. Maybe they are more suited to each other? They were only together for a couple of years but in that couple of years they done so much together. When the hatred subsides, her heart will yearn for him again. I guarantee it.

 

In terms of working on my issues, I'm prepared to sit back and think before I speak. I'll get over my issues but deep down I am always prepared for what I mention above.

 

That's good, but woefully insufficient to deal with your deeper insecurity. Your thought processes are too unhealthy and too ingrained to be altered by simply thinking before speaking.

 

You've already convinced yourself that she will go back to him someday. If that's what you truly believe, you need to break up with her and find a woman who doesn't have an ex-husband or a child from a previous relationship. You can't handle it, and it's not fair to her to be held emotional hostage for her past.

[d0nnivain]

Its the uncertainty that is hurting me right now but I have to understand this is what is needed. I asked her on the phone today if she has thought about what she wants and her reply was, she has been too busy today to think about it, she has to sort out a few financial things and her daughters dance lessons. I understand this but am I not on her mind at all?.

 

 

What uncertainty? Her actions say she wants to be with you.

 

 

Her dating relationship is currently taking a back seat to financial issues & her kid. You can't live on love & kids are always a priority. She has to fix real issues before addressing the luxury ones.

[Ronni]

That's good, but woefully insufficient to deal with your deeper insecurity. Your thought processes are too unhealthy and too ingrained to be altered by simply thinking before speaking.

 

You've already convinced yourself that she will go back to him someday. If that's what you truly believe, you need to break up with her and find a woman who doesn't have an ex-husband or a child from a previous relationship. You can't handle it, and it's not fair to her to be held emotional hostage for her past.

 

You are right, I can't handle it. I dread it every time he turns up to pick her up/bring her back even though deep down I know she feels nothing for him. One day I'm gonna be pushed out by her daughter, when she is old enough to understand what is going on, the rest of my life could be heartache but on the other hand I don't want to walk away because I love both of them and see them as my family even though deep down we aren't.

[basil67]

You are right, I can't handle it. I dread it every time he turns up to pick her up/bring her back even though deep down I know she feels nothing for him. One day I'm gonna be pushed out by her daughter, when she is old enough to understand what is going on, the rest of my life could be heartache but on the other hand I don't want to walk away because I love both of them and see them as my family even though deep down we aren't.

 

There is something very wrong with your attitude here. If this is truly how you feel, then you have no business being in their lives.

 

It sounds like she really cares about you - otherwise, she would have blocked you a long time ago. I guess she sees your potential to come good. Question is, are you going to live up to her faith in you and seek the help required to become a good partner?

[Miss Peach]

You are right, I can't handle it. I dread it every time he turns up to pick her up/bring her back even though deep down I know she feels nothing for him. One day I'm gonna be pushed out by her daughter, when she is old enough to understand what is going on, the rest of my life could be heartache but on the other hand I don't want to walk away because I love both of them and see them as my family even though deep down we aren't.

 

I have an ex and a child too and I can assure you I don't want him. That's why I divorced him.

 

One of the things I find difficult with dating men without kids are some can't handle my attention being elsewhere (i.e., on the kid). I would argue it's not only your insecurity you need to get a handle on but also find a way to be a team and do things together rather than fighting for her attention. It gets tiring for the woman IME.

[todreaminblue]

hey, i have to say it takes two people to communicate not just one and the way you communicate is by starting off with accusations about what she isnt doing right..... or asking her specific things she knows shouldnt be talked about....like exes for one.....what you are doing is instigating bad communication that ends up in arguments.....

 

you think you want to know about the ins and outs of her previous relationship but to tell the truth ....when you hear it...you will want to unhear it.....its in the past....and it ended for whatever reason.....there would have been good times and there would have been bad times.....rehashing feelings isnt congruent to helping yoru relationship at all....

 

 

maybe instead of saying

you dont do this

....start off by saying

i really love it when we are close how about we go on a date night where we can spend some one on one time together...you and me and our fave place...

..change the

you dont

to

we could

 

i feel we havent been as close lately......what would make you feel good that we could spend some quality time together

 

you have to work on your own communication style just as much as she does...and maybe just maybe if you approach conversations a little differently,try a different tack....and sail the waters with more finesse..... you might come up with a completely different result..where she opens up a little more trusting that your jealousy and insecurity is under control............i wish you well....deb

[ExpatInItaly]

You are right, I can't handle it. I dread it every time he turns up to pick her up/bring her back even though deep down I know she feels nothing for him. One day I'm gonna be pushed out by her daughter, when she is old enough to understand what is going on, the rest of my life could be heartache but on the other hand I don't want to walk away because I love both of them and see them as my family even though deep down we aren't.

 

OP, to be blunt, your thinking is very toxic.

 

You chose to get involved with a woman who is a mother and ex-wife. You knew that from the beginning. I don't see how this will end well for anyone when you are jealous of her own child and convinced the relationship will fail.

 

You spend way too much energy rationalizing and reaffirming your dysfunctional ideas, and not enough time thinking about how you are going to actually solve your own emotional problems.

 

For this reason, you will likely find this is a self-fulfilling prophecy and this relationship will end. Not yet, but it's heading there.

[Ronni]

Quick update: We have been ok for the past few days. No arguing and generally getting on.

Just a few things on my mind: she went to work today and had a full face of make up. Her ex husband works at the same place but both in different departments but I don't know if he is in today. Anyway, no big deal, I can handle it.

 

Another thing that has been in the back of my mind is she kept pictures from her wedding and honeymoon and I have seen them. I wasn't prying, we both sat down one night with a box of various photos and I seen some I didn't want to see. I asked her to get rid of them because it made me uneasy and she said she will when she gets a chance. This was almost 12 months ago and they are still there, when I asked her a few months back she said she had forgot. I know deep down she won't remove them and I always envision what I seen in my head; those two in the sea snorkelling looking happy, and I can't even snorkel. They both bought their masks together and she took it with her on our latest vacation. I know this is complete nonsense but it bothers me because we hardly make memories like that together ourselves and I don't know what she is thinking deep down. Was he really her true love? I have taken it upon myself to learn how to scuba dive and really impress her.

 

We just can't go on vacation to certain places because she went there with him. I hate exes ha.

[basil67]

Quick update: We have been ok for the past few days. No arguing and generally getting on.

Just a few things on my mind: she went to work today and had a full face of make up. Her ex husband works at the same place but both in different departments but I don't know if he is in today. Anyway, no big deal, I can handle it.

 

Another thing that has been in the back of my mind is she kept pictures from her wedding and honeymoon and I have seen them. I wasn't prying, we both sat down one night with a box of various photos and I seen some I didn't want to see. I asked her to get rid of them because it made me uneasy and she said she will when she gets a chance. This was almost 12 months ago and they are still there, when I asked her a few months back she said she had forgot. I know deep down she won't remove them and I always envision what I seen in my head; those two in the sea snorkelling looking happy, and I can't even snorkel. They both bought their masks together and she took it with her on our latest vacation. I know this is complete nonsense but it bothers me because we hardly make memories like that together ourselves and I don't know what she is thinking deep down. Was he really her true love? I have taken it upon myself to learn how to scuba dive and really impress her.

 

We just can't go on vacation to certain places because she went there with him. I hate exes ha.

 

Oh Ronni, you're *this* close to absolutely killing this relationship.

 

1. If her wearing makeup to work was no big issue, you wouldn't be writing about it.

 

2. I got married in 1988. It lasted four years. Yes, I still have all the photos in the shed somewhere. Not because I care about him, but because they were part of my life. My husband is the same. Keeping photos is about life, not about love.

 

3. She probably doesn't give a toss whether or not you can snorkel! The fact that you are learning scuba just to prove you're better than him (as opposed to learning because you've always wanted to do it) only further undermines your credibility. I'm sure you have things the ex couldn't do.....so be who you are and be proud of it.

 

4. Regarding vacations...the problem isn't that the two of you can't go places, it's that you *won't* go places. What does it matter if she's been there before with someone?

 

Honestly mate, you need to get into therapy before you lose her for good.

[ExpatInItaly]

I totally agree with basil67, OP.

 

You need to get help before you completely destroy your relationship. You're not going to be able to overcome this on your own.

[Ronni]

Oh Ronni, you're *this* close to absolutely killing this relationship.

 

1. If her wearing makeup to work was no big issue, you wouldn't be writing about it.

 

2. I got married in 1988. It lasted four years. Yes, I still have all the photos in the shed somewhere. Not because I care about him, but because they were part of my life. My husband is the same. Keeping photos is about life, not about love.

 

3. She probably doesn't give a toss whether or not you can snorkel! The fact that you are learning scuba just to prove you're better than him (as opposed to learning because you've always wanted to do it) only further undermines your credibility. I'm sure you have things the ex couldn't do.....so be who you are and be proud of it.

 

4. Regarding vacations...the problem isn't that the two of you can't go places, it's that you *won't* go places. What does it matter if she's been there before with someone?

 

Honestly mate, you need to get into therapy before you lose her for good.

 

Just spoke to her on the phone and my insecurities started to creep in. Is this an illness I have? Is professional help the only solution?

 

You are right, there are things I can do better than him: She has often told me I am the best lover she has had and that he was useless haha