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dealing with anger/resentment


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fieldoflavender

This is my first time posting on here. To avoid giving too much personal information, I just wanted to get some help on strategies to deal with anger, hurt, and resentment. I know it's toxic and not healthy.

 

My ex fiancé handled the break up very poorly - to the point where he ran away from the situation and his family broke up with me. They made it very public and it was humiliating and he had pressured me to broadcast the engagement everywhere to work/friends, and I'm dealing with the aftermath.

 

I was wrong too in many aspects of the relationship, but the last conversation was all about him ranting about how I was a terrible partner and he deserved better and he was a "good person". I know he was emotional person during it, but it haunts me.

 

I'm finally coming to terms that we are better off broken off. The first week was more about sadness of the loss and I put him on pedestal after his rant. He said I emotionally abused him (I had lashed out at times when I couldn't deal with my emotions properly due to many aspects), but the last day was very much about him emotionally abusing me and saying how he and his family did nothing wrong. They invaded my privacy in ways that were incredibly hurtful and humiliated me.

 

I had apologized for all the things I had done that were hurtful (doesn't take away from the events I know), but he has yet to apologize for a single thing despite me saying I've been incredibly hurt by the way the breakup happened and how he won't take ownership of anything. As a grown man, I don't understand why his family broke up for him. It was a huge issue between us - that he wasn't financially independent (despite being able to with how much he made but actively making the choice to spend well beyond his means) and being weak in many situations in the past to stand up for himself and make his own decisions, except in the very end when he did it to hurt me.

 

This was all mere weeks after the engagement.

 

I keep having nightmares and very upset at how the break up happened. I know it doesn't matter, but when you've invested a lot emotionally and otherwise into a relationship - you can't understand why people would choose to hurt you like that. It's like when you're in the relationship with them - you're gold, and when you're not, you deserve to be treated indecently.

 

Any advice to get through this hard time?

 

I'm in no contact right now - the first week I was emotional and posted some stuff about how I wanted to fight for him and improve myself. Then I woke up and now trying to get our stuff back to each other. Except he left all his stuff at my place and it's been almost a month and he is refusing to pick it up and keeps saying to do it "another day". I feel like it's prohibiting me from moving on. I can't exactly throw it out (well I guess I can, but I wouldn't feel right) but when is an appropriate time period to give them to pick up their stuff? I think 1 month is fair.

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Wow that's rough. But you seem like you have been dealing with it in a good way.

Honestly I would just mail his stuff back to hi. Send it to his family since he's being so childish if you have to but if he won't get it hiself then I'd just mail it back.

You deserve to move on and it seems like you're ready to get him out of your life.

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fieldoflavender

The ridiculous part is that his family lives in another city and they came over to spear-head the breakup and allow him to run away from it.

 

So can't give it back to them. And it's too big to mail. I don't think I should have to deliver it to him since I was forced to go over and take all my stuff away from his place. I mean it's not even a petty thing, but it's a decent thing to do.

 

Is it common for people to run away when they're in the their 30's and leave their family to deal with the break up? Is that common? Even when they've been engaged?

 

He may just say forget the stuff (it's expensive clothes etc) but I would feel bad throwing it away and now I will get stuck with donating it etc. And I think that's really unfair to me.

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That's just sad. That's not normal at all. A man would not have anyone end things for him that's so childish and it sucks that you went through that.

But it seems like you're just better off without him cause imagine having kids (assuming you wanted them) would he just tell you to do the hard parenting ? Would he ask his family to come and potty train his kid or help them with their homework? How stupid.

 

But regardless. Maybe you can try to tell him that if he doesn't pick it up by this date then you will be forced to donate it cause you need the space or somthing of the sort or just be honest and say you don't want to see it anymore. Or many send him a few things and tell him the rest is going on the trash if he doesn't come to get it

I know it's hard to be harsh to someone you cared about but maybe that's the push he needs to grow up.

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I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

The upshot is that he hasn't apologised because he's not sorry. One should only give an apology if they truly believe their behaviour was wrong. I can't really give you any more insight without knowing the background of what drove him to break up with you. If you did something (eg, your habit of lashing out at him) which really upset him, he may well have been justified at having a rant in your direction.

 

Regarding him picking up his stuff, would any of it be expensive for him to replace? If not, he probably doesn't care about picking it up. But if we're talking computers and such, then tell him you'll give him another week only and if he wants it, he'd better come and get it. Otherwise, you will dispose of it. Make sure you keep a screenshot or email copy of your messages on the topic.

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fieldoflavender

The rant I can understand, and I know most break-ups go pretty bad. It's just sad that that is all he wants me to leave a memory of. And then we texted after about it - and he kept saying he would love me forever and that I can still turn to him if I need help and etc. Obviously that was us being emotional and all, but still doesn't make any sense.

 

The lack of accountability is pretty bad imo. Regardless, he shouldn't run away from the situation. It's very expensive to replace but he doesn't care about money.

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You just learned a whole lot about him that you didn't know, like how his love didn't run very deep and how he likes to be mean and drag his feet. Of course, the ultimate goal is to stop caring what he thinks. Meanwhile, mail his crap back to him or set a time you're putting it on the curb.

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Yeah I'd tell him he has a few days to get his crap and if that time limit passes then you'll leave it outside for him to pick up.

 

As for dealing with resentment - I've found doing meditation and breathing exercises to be helpful. Do things to try to keep yourself distracted.

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fieldoflavender

Thanks I think I will do that next month - I don't want to deal with him and his passive aggressiveness this month.

 

Is bad behaviour (i.e. making his family break up with me etc) warranted as revenge if I did some things that were bad too? I always feel that two wrongs don't make a right. Doesn't that just make everyone hurt more?

 

And why would someone propose if they weren't happy with how things were going? Band-aid solution? I guess same could be said for me for agreeing to it, although I was heavily pressured and in a different city away from home at the time.

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chaoticjoy3

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Breakups can be difficult, especially whenthey are not handled in the best way. I dated a guy years ago that was able tomake me feel guilty about just about any argument we would get in. When thishappened I began to think that there was something really wrong with me, that Iwas an awful person. But in reality, the burden should have been shouldered equallyby both of us. We broke up, but I would still get the romantic text saying thathe still loved me, and on and on. That was years ago, and looking back now Ican easily see that the situation was bad, it was a bad relationship thatshould have never continued as long as it did. I know now that the break up wasthe best thing that ever happened to me, but back then I was devastated andleft with pretty low level of self-esteem. I didn't learn this on my own, Ibegan to see a counselor that expressed to me how people who are manipulate areable to make us feel that we have done all the wrong, and they are completelyinnocent. Not the case. It took time to understand this, and really begin tounderstand myself, but that time was very well spent. I now (many years later)find myself in a very healthy loving marriage to a man who treats me as anywoman deserves to be treated. We communicate very well, fights are few, and weunderstand each other’s needs. Maybe you could find something [COLOR=#0563c1]here[/COLOR]that could give you some insight into what a healthy relationship looks like. Iwill be praying you find someone to help you understand that his bad relationshipdoes not define you, that you are much bigger that this short period of yourlife. You can use this as a learning lesson, box up his stuff and findsomewhere to put it, and do a bit of soul searching to find you, to realize howvery much you deserve. Blessings to you my friend!

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fieldoflavender

Thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it =) It is hard when people speak words in anger and that's all they end up leaving you with at the end. Or maybe they meant it - who knows. I had spoken words in anger, but I always apologized for them (not that it makes it okay that I did that in the first place but again signs of the dysfunctional nature of the relationship).

 

I think the point of all this is not to get discouraged that we will never find love again, that we're terrible people but taking ownership of the bad things and behaviours we did take part in - and putting in an effort to improve ourselves for someone else who will love us again in the future or even for ourselves.

 

That being said, I am annoyed his stuff is still here but I will just leave it there for another 2 weeks sigh since I don't really want to contact him again. One thing I did that helped me feel better is buying replacements for all the "gifts" he got me that I use every day, like utility bags, etc. and now I feel more myself by using my own things =) It's like having a fresh start.

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Ask one of your friends or a family member to take his stuff to him, if you do not want to speak to him.

Better it goes fast than to clutter up your place and worse still your mind...

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fieldoflavender

I can speak to him, I think there's just too much anger and resentment at this point and he's always evasive as hell which would just upset me more and another reminder of how this whole thing failed because of that.

 

I was the one who was in this relationship, I can face him and give back his stuff. I don't want to get people I care about involved or hurt. That's what really infuriated me about the way he dealt with it. I'm not really ready to debrief or sit down yet (or ever), but I can give it back. The issue is that he can't but hasn't exactly given me the green light to get rid of his stuff.

 

I know he has some major time commitments until next month, so I will be a gracious person and give it until then, but after that, he really needs to stop dragging his feet.

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Thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it =) It is hard when people speak words in anger and that's all they end up leaving you with at the end.Or maybe they meant it - who knows. I had spoken words in anger, but I always apologized for them (not that it makes it okay that I did that in the first place but again signs of the dysfunctional nature of the relationship).

 

I think the point of all this is not to get discouraged that we will never find love again, that we're terrible people but taking ownership of the bad things and behaviours we did take part in - and putting in an effort to improve ourselves for someone else who will love us again in the future or even for ourselves.

 

That being said, I am annoyed his stuff is still here but I will just leave it there for another 2 weeks sigh since I don't really want to contact him again. One thing I did that helped me feel better is buying replacements for all the "gifts" he got me that I use every day, like utility bags, etc. and now I feel more myself by using my own things =) It's like having a fresh start.

 

My relationship ended the same way. I finally lost my marbles and went off on him too. I felt bad and had a chance to acknowledge it wasn't right and I apologized, but he chose to make it seem like I was to blame for everything. We ended our relationship by text/email 7 months ago and he hasn't contacted me yet, even when I sent out a small feeler to at least make some amends (after 3+ months, so I even gave it some time). Unfortunately he still couldn't be bothered to respond. To this day I still believe he dumped all the blame on me and ran to save his own conscience. Honestly? I hope he's wallowing in this guilt.

 

But who's kidding who? Probably not.

 

Oh well. His loss.

 

As for gifts? Yep. I did the same as you. I started replacing things he gave me, or just tossed them out without replacing them yet. I'm sure I still have things tucked away that I'll come across eventually. I have done it slowly so I don't regret it, but like I said, it's been 7 months, so when I still find things and choose to toss it, I know it's because I believe I don't cherish our time together, not because I'm doing it out of spite now.

 

I would suggest this. That way you won't regret anything later. If you find yourself still letting go of things months and months later, than you know it's for the right reason, not because you're emotional.

 

In fact, today I just removed myself from some collaborative documents we shared a couple years ago. It's a different feeling now. I know when I do this it's because I truly want to move on, not to get a reaction from him.

Edited by GeekLover
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fieldoflavender

Thanks for sharing, in the end, as someone told me, we can only forgive for ourselves, and not for them. For me, it's almost a month, but I am trying to let go of the anger and resentment. Some days are easier than others, but it's coming along slowly.

 

If someone wanted to apologize to you, it wouldn't matter if you are together or not - they would do it regardless. I have already apologized for my piece, I'm not going to say it a million times to boost their ego and to be honest, it won't help them to be in the "victim" role given how sheltered their life has been and how little skills they have dealing with real life situations.

 

I'm overall a pretty clean break person - I have left a lot of the "couple stuff" with my parents in their basement, which I'm pretty sure with time, I will be able to get rid of. Right now, out of sight, out of mind. I would never give those back to him - that's just spiteful.

 

But for the stuff that he lent me that were his to begin with, I would like to give back. Obviously if he still refuses to take them back, then I will just dump them. But I think it's basic responsibility to take back your own things. It shouldn't lie in the responsibility of the other person to throw away your stuff. And it's not even like one thing, it's like a ton of things.

 

And honestly things don't define how much we cherish or don't cherish things - just like I got rid of most of the photographs already. If I want to remember something, I would. I won't need a memory aid. If someone was truly important to you, then the stuff there or not wouldn't really make a difference. But it sure does help if they at least take away their stuff.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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fieldoflavender

The process is getting better but it's still so hard to face the fact that someone who told me they loved me so plotted so much to hurt me. I just don't understand. I know it doesn't matter now, and good riddance, but I don't know how people turn on and off switch and once the person isn't your lover, you think of all sorts of ways to hurt them like no tomorrow. I guess it's because I'm about to break no contact next week to resolve the giving back things unfinished business that it's hitting me harder. But I would like to be done with it for once and for all.

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fieldoflavender

Is it a bad idea to break no contact and fulfill a promise I said after the break up. I guess the real question is why I'm doing it - I just want to wish him well on something that's hard for him today. Even if we don't reconcile, I think it's something I would like to do. I'm not over the hurtful things he did - but I don't know if I will regret it.

 

He also mailed some of my stuff back to me and I haven't broken NC to discuss that. I was going to do it at once when I give him back his stuff.

 

I should just not wish him well right. I mean he already broke all his promises.

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lonelyplanetmoon

I am right here with you. Having a difficult day today.

 

Regarding NC. If it is a rare instance, I think it is ok to contact him if you are doing it out of kindness.

And you know and are prepared to pay for the consequences - a setback to your healing.

 

At the end of the day. You just have to do what is right. At least that is how I view it in my book.

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fieldoflavender

Thank you, that gave me the courage to do it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret this - but I did it. Come what come may. I have given it all I can do. From this point on, I can try my best to move on. I will give back the stuff and then there will be absolutely no reason to contact anymore.

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fieldoflavender

Sigh, I just wanted to end all of this with something good to preserve. But obviously I can't do this by myself. I am not the type of person who wants to throw someone else's stuff away - but it's not fair - it's been over a month and now he is ignoring my attempts to try to give it back to him. And I can't leave it at his building without his consent.

 

Is a week reasonable to ask him to respond and if he doesn't, would it be fair game to donate to Goodwill or something? I really need to move on.

 

I don't understand why breakups have to be this terrible. Like why can't we just all pick up our stuff and move on. Sigh.

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Sigh, I just wanted to end all of this with something good to preserve. But obviously I can't do this by myself. I am not the type of person who wants to throw someone else's stuff away - but it's not fair - it's been over a month and now he is ignoring my attempts to try to give it back to him. And I can't leave it at his building without his consent.

 

Is a week reasonable to ask him to respond and if he doesn't, would it be fair game to donate to Goodwill or something? I really need to move on.

 

I don't understand why breakups have to be this terrible. Like why can't we just all pick up our stuff and move on. Sigh.

 

You've made several attempts based on the bold? If so, let this be your last attempt and then donate. Personally, based on how he treated you, I wouldn't place so much stock on preserving his feelings but doing what's right for you.

 

To add, dumpers sometime use "stuff" as a lifeline to keep the door open with the dumpee. Just incase they need to revisit the dumpee for whatever reason. Or he is just too cowardly to face you to get his things.

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fieldoflavender

Thanks Zahara appreciate your response. I have asked him twice - first after the break-up, when I got something else back from him, and now this is the 3rd time. It will be the final time. I think a week is enough time - if he can't pick it up then or even bother to reply, I'm not going to keep the stuff there forever. There is no lifelines. Stuff isn't a good excuse to reconnect with people. I didn't even ask him to face me this time - I said he can pick it up from my building.

 

I'm pretty much losing all respect for him at this point. It's sad that it's come to this - but you know, it's good thing that he's showing his true colours now rather than later.

 

Initially I felt bad that his family and him implied I was only with him for money (which by itself is a hurtful and personal attack when it's not true), but now I know that I can feel confident and not dirty about myself without having to give back their expensive stuff. I had accepted it at the time thinking they were out of good faith and it's too bad in the end they were not, but if they don't want it back, it's not my fault there was control involved in giving me those things and using them as tools to belittle and insult me in the end is a judgement on their character rather than mine.

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fieldoflavender

I came across this article and it relates to my own personal situation. How people handle post-break up affairs is a good reflection on their character and maturity. And perhaps the easiest way to help you let go and get over them.

 

[]

 

I thought it was a good read. Thoughts?

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Hahaha, I read that article last week! Was blowing my mind that ex doesn't own much yet he was stalling on coming to get it, so I went on a Google spree.

 

I personally don't bother with the immature trivial crap. He accidentally took some of my towels, and they weren't cheap, but they also weren't expensive so whatever, enjoy your new towels, ex! Not gonna chase after him over those. If I did, I know me, it's cause I'm using them as an excuse to keep in touch.

 

If they left a cheap scarf and some toiletries, whatever, I'd throw them out. Again, not chasing after you over nothing.

 

There is a strange burden of holding on to things that have value tho. On one hand you want everything of theirs gone so you don't have daily reminders of them, knowing they're coming back, emotionally preparing yourself to see them again and worry how they're going to act. So draining. But you feel like you can't just toss it out, sell it or tell them to come get it, it's on the curb, cuz you don't know what's going on with them. They may be avoiding it cuz they're super upset and don't want to puke in your face and burst into tears when they see you (and I get that) or they're just being a punk and decided it's not worth the hassle even tho its something you know they'd want.

 

People are always quick to say "tell them if they don't get it by whatever date, it will be on the curb!" and ok, that's fine if you're teenagers/young adults and we're talking about a hoodie, a couple cds, and a stuffed animal. Am I going to put an entire expensive bedroom set, a 45" tv, laptops, designer clothes, a massive dvd/blueray collection, and personal items such as family photos, tax returns, souvenirs etc out on the curb? C'mon, no lol.

 

I can't remember the article clearly, but my interpretation was she meant the trivial junk and has never lived with someone, which is a whole new can of worms.

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Yes, put them on the curb, as long as you've given written notice to him that covers you in case he decides to go to court.

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