ODDT Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) JI left my Ex-boyfriend of 2 years because of several red flags late last year. It was totally normal the first 5 months. And at first I didn't really have deep feeling but he basically was around ALL THE TIME. Telling me after 4 or 5 weeks that he loved me and could see us getting married. That sort of bothered me. I remember he'd be going home and would send me super long text telling me how much he loved me. Lord... Eventually he dove deep into crazy religion (started following this guy named Kent Ham and the creation museum), he started trying to heal people and speak in tongues. He would rage and slam his fists into my car hood sometimes when he was mad at me. Those were sometimes drinking induced. He drove drunk sometimes and cried a lot. Flirted with other girls in front of me (putting his arms around them or touching their arms) and sometimes giving girls his number "for church". My Ex stopped having sex with me for Jesus (hindsight it was a good thing). I work out 6 days a week. I'm 5'8" and 130lbs. I love to stay very fit with lifting and running. He slowly gained some weight was extremely jealous of people I talked to, including friends at my gym. He came with sometimes and created drama telling me my friends were jerks when all they did was say hello. Fast forward to now. I get approached often enough but I don't really like the people approaching me in a romantic way and have yet to go out on a date since the end of my relationship. I am more focused on healing than anything. I have second thoughts on leaving my ex from time to time. Stupid I know, “keep moving on, girl!!” but I feel like my sense of normal is complete **** but I have been working on developing boundaries and have been doing amazing with self-help and growth. I graduated college, I'm putting in for the Navy OCS and have gotten out of debt. I've done some traveling and I've picked up a bunch of new hobbies and have been getting together with friends nearly every weekend. I don't like to drink really. Just every now and then. My ex was basically an alcoholic as he would drink heavily if he did drink. I'm very health motivated so I do a lot of physical things with friends for fun (skate, surf, workout, mud runs). I love to ride my motorcycle with friends and play video games also (Halo is the best!). My younger little brother comes over and we have late night campaigns and just finished ODST and are moving onto REACH. I have to reassure myself that I did the right thing leaving. He kept pressuring me to get married (brought it up several times a month) and told me things to try to isolate me from friends and family. Their mean, weird, gay. He even laughed at me when I said my mom was one of the kindest people I know. To top it off he once told me he could probably get over ME cheating on him when we were married. I dumped him after I saw he was texting another girl and turning his phone away from me. Oh yeah, he religiously checked my phone. I never did that to him. So he didn't trust me for reasons unknown. It was my first LTR but what a terrible experience as I look back. Is it normal to feel like this after my first LTR? Edited June 19, 2017 by ODDT Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 I left my Ex-boyfriend of 2 years because of several red flags late last year. - Telling me after 4 or 5 weeks that he loved me and could see us getting married. - I remember he'd be going home and would send me super long text telling me how much he loved me. Lord... - Eventually he dove deep into crazy religion - he started trying to heal people and speak in tongues - He would rage and slam his fists into my car hood sometimes when he was mad at me. - He drove drunk sometimes and cried a lot - Flirted with other girls in front of me (putting his arms around them or touching their arms) - sometimes giving girls his number "for church". - stopped having sex with me for Jesus (hindsight it was a good thing). - extremely jealous of people I talked to, including friends at my gym. - He came with sometimes and created drama telling me my friends were jerks when all they did was say hello. - My ex was basically an alcoholic as he would drink heavily if he did drink. - told me things to try to isolate me from friends and family. - I dumped him after I saw he was texting another girl and turning his phone away from me. Write a list of what you believe would be a healthy and nurturing partner and what a loving relationship entails. Write what you believe you deserve in a partner and what values you believe you desire from a partner. Then compare it to this nut. Then focus on the list -- your goals, your boundaries, your values and your desires. Yes, even when leaving abusive relationships, it's normal to romanticize what was but this post is a great reminder of what your reality was when you forget. So print this and read it whenever in doubt. Write about what you experienced -- the bad. It will be help rewire your thought patterns and help you start to embrace your truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Is it normal to feel like this after my first LTR? I'd say it's normal if your first LTR was with a nutcase. Which yours apparently was. And good luck with OCS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) If there is anything I have learned on here, it is that very often, the more reg flags someone has, the more hopelessly devoted the other, supposedly healthier, person is. I realize how bizarre and counter-intuitive this sounds. Some of the most broken-hearted people I've seen on LS though (going by their writings on here anyway) were in relationships with love-bombers, abusers, moochers, extremely jealous/possessive ect. The break-up is a good thing OP. Maybe therapy to see why you went for this guy in the first place? Edited June 19, 2017 by Imajerk17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Altair0770 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 If there is anything I have learned on here, it is that very often, the more reg flags someone has, the more hopelessly devoted the other, supposedly healthier, person is. I realize how bizarre and counter-intuitive this sounds. Some of the most broken-hearted people I've seen on LS though (going by their writings on here anyway) were in relationships with love-bombers, abusers, moochers, extremely jealous/possessive ect. The break-up is a good thing OP. Maybe therapy to see why you went for this guy in the first place? So true... I agree with writing that list of the red flags. It's nostalgia. We often pictured a perfect relationship with this person, and wish it could have worked. Both dumpers and dumpees feel this way. I often feel guilty for doing NC because I know she wanted me to be in her life, but I wanted more than just being friends. Whenever I describe my ex, with no intention at all of bad mouthing her, I notice that she was hell, but for some reason I still wanted her so bad after she dumped me. Maybe because I felt like I was able to help her live a beautiful life. But she made the decision she thought was best for her. Turns out it wasn't, but not enough for her to come back. Just an FYI, don't date someone that seems obsessed with you. It'll really start to bother you, and even if you don't go near them much at all, if they're always that way, it's going to feel like they're clogging your boundaries. I love my father as a son would, but he love bombs me, touches me constantly and always posts on my facebook, "I love you". Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but I'm 27 years old and holy **** I don't want to see that. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) U sound completly normal while the ex sounds like a complete nutcase. Why do us normal folk go wth these crazy people. In my case she was a love bomber haha I like that expression because it's speaks to the heart of it. She would say all these wonderful lovey dovey things "Ur my soulmate" "I've never loved anyone like u" and wait for it........ "It'll never be me leaving u it'll be u leaving me" (wich she did) Ive never even heard that expression before "love bomber" nor knew wat it meant but fits the description of the person to a T. I have the unfortunate situation of having to work wth her and for all her proclaimed love and devotion has been hell the last 6 mths. She's done nothing but the opposite of everything she claimed she wouldn't. hurt me beyond my wildest dreams started a office romance and rubbed it in my face until he left and went over seas lol to live.. a small win I guess but continues to be challenging to say the least. Like u im on a journey to heal and be done wth these lost souls and people wth loads of baggage. I like that like u I've learnt we need to set a standard for ourselves. Good for u for walking away and heal soon peace out... Edited June 20, 2017 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
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