Jump to content

My boyfriend is going to break up with me... How do I act?


Recommended Posts

Little-Wolf

Hey everyone, it's been a while.

 

My last post here was about a breakup with my ex, here is the post if anyone is interested, and to make a long story short, we got back together after a month of NC. He left his job that he hated and started up as an apprentice for a physical labour job which suits him so much more.

 

We were happy. We spoke every day and saw each other about 2/3 times a week. I met his family properly and even got his nan a Christmas present. On Valentine's Day, this year, he took me to a beach and we talked about our future under the stars while listening to the ocean. His present was a beautiful emerald necklace which made me cry, as I'm a redhead and he knows emeralds are my favourite. His card was also the sweetest thing I'd ever read. It was the most romantic day of my life.

 

Recently, he told me he loved me and saw his whole life with me and that I was the one. He said the breakup made him realize how much he missed me and how perfect we were together. We discussed moving out together next year when he's finished his apprenticeship and we've talked about future holidays, marriage and children. He's changed from an immature boy to a man who could actually talk about his feelings, and I couldn't have been happier.

 

The only thing we argue about is the fact that I pay for pretty much everything since he works 50+ hours a week on £2.50 an hour. He runs a car and pays his rent, so the money just vanishes. I don't mind, as I have two jobs and work as a well-paid writer. I know it won't be permanent, as his trade pays very well once he's qualified. Although I understand that this "emasculates" him to a certain extent, but I've told him it doesn't matter and it's not permanent. He says he hates me paying for stuff. I know he's stressed about money and his job, which is why we fight over silly things.

 

Last Friday, I had dinner with his Grandad. Once again, this was a huge moment for all of us. He'd never introduced him to a girlfriend before. We had a lovely evening, and after he left, we curled up on the sofa and watched a movie and went to bed. He kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me before we went to sleep.

 

We woke up at 05:45 because he had work and I could tell he was in a bad mood. I went to the kitchen to start making him pancakes, when I heard swearing and shouting. I poked my head out to find he’d knocked over a drink I left on the side and it had gone all over the curtains. He was so angry! I told him I didn’t mean it and it was an accident, and to not worry about it because I’d sort it out while he went to work. I went back to cooking his pancake when he came in and threw the pan on the floor. He told me to get out and threw my bag outside. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say.

 

I went and got dressed silently while he was swearing and shouting, telling me I was lazy and that everything I do pisses him off. I said I didn’t understand where this rage was coming from and I left. He rung me half way home (I live a 10-minute walk away) and begged me to come back. I relented and went back to find him on the floor with blood everywhere. I don’t know how he did it but he’d ripped a toe nail off. I asked him to let me look at it so I could bandage it up but he started shouting at me, saying that this was all my fault and if I hadn’t been so lazy, none of this would have happened. I started crying and asked him to let me help but he told me to get out again, so I did. I didn’t have the strength to argue with him over something like that.

 

He sent me a text an hour later saying “I’m sorry I lost it with you, you didn’t deserve it, we need space.” And rung me three times. I was so hurt and upset that I didn’t answer. I rung back a few hours later before work once I’d calmed down and he told me he was busy with his family as it was his mums birthday. He was very blunt and I just left it.

 

It’s now been nearly a week since I’ve heard from him. Three lads died in a car crash on Tuesday, and when I first heard it was three young men in a white van, my mind went into meltdown. I texted him saying I was trying to respect his request for space, but I couldn’t imagine how it would be if one of those lads had been him. I also told him to be careful on the roads and that I loved him. I didn’t get a reply. I also rung him on Wednesday twice, but he didn’t answer.

 

This is so unlike him. I’d say he’s definitely the clingier one out of the two of us, and he used to get mad when I didn’t reply to him after a couple hours. We spoke on the phone at least once a day. We’ve not gone so long without talking since our breakup last year. I’m beside myself, I have no work ethic and I don’t want to do anything, even though I’m forcing myself to do things and stay busy. I know I can’t sit around and cry over this, although I’d be lying If I said I hadn’t. I don’t know what to do.

 

A part of me is so upset and desperate for contact and wants to ask him to meet tonight so we can sort this out, maybe go for a drive to our favourite quiet place or something, but the other part is angry and frustrated that he’d do this to me. I have a lot of uni work going on and my dog is being tested for cancer which is upsetting. I have needed him this week, and he hasn’t been there for me.

 

I don’t know what to do. It’s been 6 days since I’ve heard from him.

 

Battling between my head and my heart.

 

Any advice would be great.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate to break it to you, but the best thing in your life is for this monster to be out of it. He blamed you for the fact that he was clumsy & knocked over a glass, then he threw the pancakes on the floor & manhandled you out of the house. After you left he hurt himself, begged you to come back & then blamed you. Now he's being immature & giving you the silent treatment.

 

 

OMG! You can't stay with this guy. Meeting the family, some sweet words & an emerald necklace (which he can't afford) does not make him a good BF. You make excuse after excuse for him & fail to acknowledge that he needs anger management classes.

 

 

Read up about abuse & make the intelligent probably life saving decision here -- never speak to him again.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
stillafool

He said you guys needed "space" so that is why you haven't heard from him. I would forget about it and go out with my friends and meet someone new.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The guy is nuts and with huge anger issues - if I were you I'd be thankful that he hasn't contacted me.

 

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who can fire up like that?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

This guy has huge issues with anger and self control. If he wanted space, I would give him all the space he wanted... Don't stay with this man. It's not ok to get angry and then not talk to you for days. That's just not acceptable.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Little-Wolf
Little-wolf,

I think you are 22, how old is this guy?

 

He is 20, turning 21 this year.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Little-Wolf
The guy is nuts and with huge anger issues - if I were you I'd be thankful that he hasn't contacted me.

 

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who can fire up like that?

 

He admits he has anger issues due to his father abusing him as a child, mostly with a belt. His parents were 16 and on contraception when he was concieved, and he told me he has always felt unloved and unwanted his whole life.

 

I knew about his anger issues when I met him, but usually he never takes it out on me, especially not like that. We argue like other couples, but it's never something as serious as this. He goes for runs or we go for a walk together to ease his frustration, and it's usually resolved within a short period of time. This is the first time he's ever exploded like that and has shut me out..

Edited by Little-Wolf
Link to post
Share on other sites

Now you know the depths of what he's capable of. He ought to be crawling on his hands & knees begging your forgiveness. So he's either too embarrassed or he doesn't care. You can't chase him. If you do you are giving him permission to treat you like this or worse. Having seen the blackness in his own soul he should be seriously considering anger management classes. If he's not, you have a problem on your hands because you unwisely want to stay & love him through this (which is unrealistic). By doing so you are putting yourself in real danger.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater

It doesn't seem like it now, I know, but this guy has done you a huge favor. He's essentially telling you who he is. Your best bet is to believe him.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Little-Wolf
I hate to break it to you, but the best thing in your life is for this monster to be out of it. He blamed you for the fact that he was clumsy & knocked over a glass, then he threw the pancakes on the floor & manhandled you out of the house. After you left he hurt himself, begged you to come back & then blamed you. Now he's being immature & giving you the silent treatment.

 

 

OMG! You can't stay with this guy. Meeting the family, some sweet words & an emerald necklace (which he can't afford) does not make him a good BF. You make excuse after excuse for him & fail to acknowledge that he needs anger management classes.

 

 

Read up about abuse & make the intelligent probably life saving decision here -- never speak to him again.

 

I have never looked at him like a monster. I've been in an abusive relationship before where the man used me, forced me to have sex while I was too drunk to function and threatened suicide when I wanted to leave. I only got a way out when he got a teenage girl pregnant. I hope and pray that he's changed for his daughter whenever he crosses my mind. I don't even compare the two.

 

Usually my boyfriend is so loving and caring. He's the funniest man I've ever met and despite our age difference, we just connect. He has admitted he needs help, but is worried about it being on his medical record as it could hinder future potential careers...

 

I don't know. I thought I'd be more aware of abuse having come out from an abusive relationship a few years ago. He is the first serious boyfriend I've had since then, and I'd feel absolutely heartbroken if this ended. :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Little-Wolf
Now you know the depths of what he's capable of. He ought to be crawling on his hands & knees begging your forgiveness. So he's either too embarrassed or he doesn't care. You can't chase him. If you do you are giving him permission to treat you like this or worse. Having seen the blackness in his own soul he should be seriously considering anger management classes. If he's not, you have a problem on your hands because you unwisely want to stay & love him through this (which is unrealistic). By doing so you are putting yourself in real danger.

 

Thank you for such honest words. :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I poked my head out to find he’d knocked over a drink I left on the side and it had gone all over the curtains. He was so angry! I told him I didn’t mean it and it was an accident

 

That is the first clue that told me you are in an abusive relationship. A normal person that has never been abused would never think of apologizing over a glass left on a night table.

 

By saying you didn't mean it and it was an accident you are acknowledging what happened to him is your fault, which is ridiculous!!

 

When a man gets this mad over something as trivial as a spilled glass it's because he's got some serious anger issues.

 

and to not worry about it because I’d sort it out while he went to work. I went back to cooking his pancake when he came in and threw the pan on the floor. He told me to get out and threw my bag outside. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say.

ABUSE. My heart dropped when I read this. I was once in an abusive relationship and when lunch or dinner wasn't to his liking he would throw it across the room. Those are the actions of a very abusive and sick man!

 

I went and got dressed silently while he was swearing and shouting, telling me I was lazy and that everything I do pisses him off. I said I didn’t understand where this rage was coming from and I left. He rung me half way home (I live a 10-minute walk away) and begged me to come back. I relented and went back to find him on the floor with blood everywhere. I don’t know how he did it but he’d ripped a toe nail off. I asked him to let me look at it so I could bandage it up but he started shouting at me, saying that this was all my fault and if I hadn’t been so lazy, none of this would have happened. I started crying and asked him to let me help but he told me to get out again, so I did. I didn’t have the strength to argue with him over something like that. .
Let me spell it to you again ABUSER

 

You're gonna block this man out of your life. It does not matter how sweet he was at Valentine's Day, ALL abuser have a sweet side to win you back but it does not take away they are ABUSERS.

 

The fact you are SO YOUNG and willing to put up with this bull and take him back just blows my mind!!

 

If you continue being in a relationship with this man soon he'll escalate this abuse to physical abuse.

 

Don't waste your youth on an abuser! these men don't change!!

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

I just want you to be careful. I believe he can get past this. I want to believe your version of him that he's caring & sweet but the level of anger & the violence he exhibited last week is SCARY. Use your head more than your heart to evaluate your situation Compared to where you were, this guy may be an improvement but that doesn't make him any less dangerous or a truly good guy. He's just a better bad guy.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have never looked at him like a monster. I've been in an abusive relationship before

 

Often women will be in 1-2-3 abusive relationships before they fully understand how an abusive man acts.

 

You are in another abusive relationship!!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

"a bit of an arrogant arse-hole, a total ladies man, smoked, drunk, used to do heavy drugs, ect. Everything about him screamed "do not even go there, Jaz!"

 

That was your description of him in your other thread.

 

You are in an abusive relationship. You likely don't think you are in one because you're comparing this relationship to other relationships -- it's not as bad as the others. Typical mindset. Been there, done that.

 

Granted his past has molded him into what he is today, but it does not justify staying with an abusive person.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Little-Wolf
Often women will be in 1-2-3 abusive relationships before they fully understand how an abusive man acts.

 

You are in another abusive relationship!!

 

Am I really that naieve? I always thought I was so much wiser to know the signs of abuse. This to me is abuse. Never has he ever said anything like that. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy all the time, he never ever stops complimenting me and making me feel loved and cherished. One blow up like this and suddenly I'm in an abusive relationship? :( I really don't want to believe it, so maybe I'm looking at this through rose tinted glasses.

Link to post
Share on other sites
OatsAndHall

Anyone that is capable of that level of anger has issues. It sounds like you've just seen the tip of the iceberg as well.. Anyone that will throw a pan across a room could be capable of a lot worse. And, there is no excuses for his behavior; all of the apologizing in the world does not make up for that level of anger.

 

So, I think it is in your best interest to keep your distance from him. I imagine he'll come knocking on your door again, apologizing profusely for his actions.. I would cut him out immediately and be prepared to get law enforcement involved if he doesn't respect boundaries.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

That was some one blow up. I can understand being mad that whatever spilled on the curtains but as soon as you said you'd clean it when he went to work, that should have defused the situation. Instead he threw a pan on the floor & then kicked you out. Later he blamed you for his clumsiness in hurting his toe. It's more than the anger. It's the blame. He failed to recent himself after the 1st incident & then tried to make it your fault. The lack of responsibility is the biggest tip of the dangerous iceberg.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Am I really that naieve? I always thought I was so much wiser to know the signs of abuse. This to me is abuse. Never has he ever said anything like that. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy all the time, he never ever stops complimenting me and making me feel loved and cherished. One blow up like this and suddenly I'm in an abusive relationship? :( I really don't want to believe it, so maybe I'm looking at this through rose tinted glasses.

 

My mother told me that when she met my father, he was the sweetest most kindest man. Then a year later she married him. Things were great for the first few months and one day she broke his ashtray and he screamed at her and slapped her. Then the abuse began.

 

Trust, there is more of that behavior brewing inside your boyfriend. Usually, that type of behavior doesn't emerge until the relationship has solidified. It's the abusers way of securing the person before showing them who they really are -- after all who in their right mind would stay with someone that blew up that way a month into it.

 

You are emotionally clouded. This isn't just a one off. This is who he is.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Am I really that naieve? I always thought I was so much wiser to know the signs of abuse. This to me is abuse. Never has he ever said anything like that. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy all the time, he never ever stops complimenting me and making me feel loved and cherished. One blow up like this and suddenly I'm in an abusive relationship? :( I really don't want to believe it, so maybe I'm looking at this through rose tinted glasses.

 

It does NOT matter how sweet he is in between his outbursts of abuse, it's still abuse.

 

He probably has also exhibited other small signs of abuse before this outburst that you did not recognize like jealousy, manipulation, control, lost of patience toward you. Those were little tests to see your level of acceptance. Then after all sort of little abusive tests there is a bigger event like what happened. That event is the decisive event. If you take him back it means you accept having dinner thrown across the room, you accept being called lazy, you accept being thrown out!! All this tells him no matter how mad he gets, how abusive he gets, you will stay !!

 

Has he EVER grabbed you by the arm? by a wrist? pushed you out of the way?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
1fish2fish

Little Wolf, please heed everyone's advice here.

 

He sounds exactly like my ex bf, who I was with on and off for a year, and had similar anger issues. But because it wasn't physical abuse, I made excuses for him.

 

I hung on for so long because he could be so loving and sweet when he wasn't angry, shutting me out for days, or blame shifting everything onto me.

 

Because of his addictions (alcohol, weed, cigarettes, and who knows what else in his past) he has the emotional stability of a 13 yo. He's 47 now, and he's not going to change. A shame too. So much potential, but that's what I fell in love with.

 

Your bf sounds like he's never learned, despite prior counseling, to identify and process emotions in a healthy manner. This will not get better...unless...he gets serious about therapy. He's young, he admits there's a problem, this is the time to get serious about it.

 

Your priority though is not him, it's protecting yourself and your heart. The fact that he makes you cry with his rages is completely unacceptable and heartbreaking.

 

Whoever said it earlier is correct...he should be crawling back to you, apologizing and kissing your feet and doing whatever it takes to make sure it never happens again.

 

It sounds like a pattern has already been established. Please break it.

 

Also, emotional abuse is almost worse than physical abuse because it's harder to identify. But it can be so much more damaging.

 

With physical abuse, your partner hits you, and you walk away forever. Your self esteem remains intact (mostly, unless you keep going back.)

 

With emotional abuse, you question yourself, make excuses by labeling it something else, so it can go on for years, wearing you down to nothing but a shell of who you used to be.

Edited by 1fish2fish
Adding more
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
He admits he has anger issues due to his father abusing him as a child, mostly with a belt. His parents were 16 and on contraception when he was concieved, and he told me he has always felt unloved and unwanted his whole life.

 

He doesn't need a girlfriend: he needs a therapist.

 

I knew about his anger issues when I met him, but usually he never takes it out on me, especially not like that. We argue like other couples, but it's never something as serious as this. He goes for runs or we go for a walk together to ease his frustration, and it's usually resolved within a short period of time. This is the first time he's ever exploded like that and has shut me out..

 

Well, it looks like he's going to start taking his abuse out on you because you keep running back to take it. It's rather good that he hasn't contacted you or returned your texts because I dare say, he knows that if he saw your face, he'd be beating it in for you.

 

You're too focused on the evening at the beach when that really isn't him: the one screaming at you, knocking the pancakes onto the floor, blaming you because he ripped his toenail off when you were miles away is the real him.

 

Do you want a life of walking on eggshells because any little thing you do will set him off because he can't handle a little stress?

 

There is no reason in the world, if he's that short on money, that he can't go get a second and third job. None. You did, so what's his problem?

 

he took me to a beach and we talked about our future under the stars while listening to the ocean. His present was a beautiful emerald necklace

 

Where does he have money to buy an emerald necklace, but then turns around and belittles you for paying for dates? Sounds like he can't manage money on top of everything else.

Edited by kendahke
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Whoever said it earlier is correct...he should be crawling back to you, apologizing and kissing your feet and doing whatever it takes to make sure it never happens again.

 

I want to emphasize on this.

 

Abusers are masters at apologizing and crawling back. I have seen abusers crying their way back!! and within 2-3 weeks they were back at abusing.

 

I have seen men promising therapy and actually went to their first meeting and a second but then as soon as the woman took him back he stopped pretexting he doesn't need it.

 

I would not take an abuser back NO MATTER how much apologies, no matter how much crying!

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Am I really that naieve? I always thought I was so much wiser to know the signs of abuse. This to me is abuse. Never has he ever said anything like that. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy all the time, he never ever stops complimenting me and making me feel loved and cherished. One blow up like this and suddenly I'm in an abusive relationship? :( I really don't want to believe it, so maybe I'm looking at this through rose tinted glasses.

 

I'm afraid that you are. His behavior is frightening. You justify and explain it. You have taken it upon yourself to help him manage his anger - that's called codependence. What you have shared really indicates that this is an unhealthy relationship.

 

You have previously been in an extremely abusive relationship. Yet, you say you only got away when he got another young girl pregnant. And then you go on to say that you hope he got help, for his daughter.

 

You have a way of accepting poor behavior from men, taking it on as your own (codependence), and always hoping that it will get better. There is a very unhealthy pattern here...

 

If a man ever yelled at me, threw things, and stormed out and didn't talk to me for days - he would be gone from my life. It's totally unacceptable behavior.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...