Why won't he just return my things? *Updated:5 months and I still miss him so much*

[brokenshell]

So we broke up 2 months ago after two years of ups and downs. There is lack of trust because of issues that happened at the beginning of the relatio At first he said he wanted to stay friends, I told him I couldn't be his friend as it would hurt too much if I saw him with someone else and I would never be able to let go and move forward. He got upset about it, walked me to my car and tried to hug me before I got in and I said no. He walked off upset and that was the last time I saw him.

 

That night I broke down tried calling him and desperatley messaging him to be met with nothing.

[Kitchen]

So what's your question? Lol

[preraph]

Just let it go. We all have our weak moments, but in the end that ball was already in motion for breaking up. So best to make it easy on yourself and hold your head high. Hope you feel better soon.

[brokenshell]

It's been 3 months since the breakup (we were together nearly 2 years) and I still feel so heartbroken. He is on my mind all the time. I just want this feeling to go away. I want to be over him. I still love him but time apart has made me realise that I'm better off without him because I was unhappy and didn't trust him when we were together. But I know if he wanted me back I probably would just so I didnt feel this way. What is wrong with me???

 

I have deleted him from all social media and have never checked any of his profiles since we broke up (mostly because I'm terrified of seeing that he has moved on with somebody else). We have been in contact several times via text but that's about it. He is good friends with a family member of mine and I hate it so much because im so scared incase I hear anything about him that will upset me even more. And it effects how I am around my family member, I feel like I'm on edge when I speak to them, like they might know something about my ex. I don't know how I would ever react to hearing hes moved on to another girl. I feel like it would break me and its effecting me do much just even the thought of it. I just feel conpletely lost. Has anyone else felt this way? How long did it take for this feeling to pass?

[Goodguy05]

Hey I can relate that's me in every break up.

 

Wat i find u block them don't wanna know about em but on the other hand ur curiosity grows.

 

Have that conversation wth that family member that u dont want to be told of any developments wth the ex because it will hurt.

 

That's the thing wth breakups ones bound to hook up wth the other.

 

Wat i find helps is that there's nothing u can do about it realize it's out of ur control.

 

My own situations a living nightmare maybe this will make u feel better.

 

Me and my ex work together and shortly after we broke up she hooked up wth someone where we work im forced to watch the fling blossom how's that for torture.

 

My only consolation is he's ugly and fat lol but it still hurts and isn't fun. I'm now forced to leave a good job it's become too much for me.

[brokenshell]

Hey, thanks for the reply. It's nice to know theres someone else whos felt the same.

 

With me the curiosity isnt growing at all. I could happily never know what hes up to or who hes dating for as long as I still have feelings for him. I'm not sure if its me not wanting to accept the breakup, and maybe hearing hes with someone else will make it too real for me and thats why I avoid it. But I do feel like I have accepted that this is definitley for the best and have made a little progress.

 

I have spoken to this family member and told them I don't want to hear anything about him because when I hear anything I start to panic and it upsets me even more. They said but you do realise I will hear things, why wouldnt you want to know? I get paranoid that they know things and I start to worry they will let it slip in conversation and it makes conversation with them uncomfortable. If they ask how I am I automatically panic and think what do they know?? I suffer from anxiety anyway but when I hear anything no matter how insignificant I feel my anxities kick in to the point I feel like I might have a panic attack. It sucks.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. It must be awful having to witness that. I cant even imagine. The bad thing about my ex is that hes a bit of a local celebrity, everyone knows him, everyone is friends with him through facebook its hard to get away from everything to do with him.

[warpingmind]

I feel exactly like you brokenshell. He broke up with me(or more like he "forced me" to break up) 9 months ago(we had a 10 year relationship) and I still feel very heartbroken.

Like you,I've also never checked his profile ever and don't want to hear about him at all and I'm even afraid to.

I've spoken to my therapist and she says exactly what you said, that I'm afraid of facing the reality because a part of me still has some hope and knowing he might have found someone else would make things too real.

 

My advice to you is no contact of any type, no texts,nothing. I know it's hard, sometimes I feel a big necessity to reach out and tell him I miss him dearly,I miss my best friend,but what would that accomplish?What would be the purpose?

 

Some days will be not-worse than others, others you just want to sleep all day long.But there will always be hope that this one day will pass.

Keep strong for yourself and don't lose hope.

[Goodguy05]

I see yes it sux in my case I hav to see a psychologist to help wth coping techniques it's really unfair in my case.

 

I've had to do some deep soul searching and it's now becoming apparent it's the choices I've made wth woman.

 

I'm always blindsided t hv eyes either cheating involved or lying.and I some how find out through the grapevine.

 

This is an interesting challenge. Just wen I thought it cldnt get any worse then wat I've been thru it does.

 

My breakups are fascinating they'd fill a whole show of Jerry springer.

 

Let me share one i had 20 yrs ago lol in fact wen that break up happened I was wondering to myself where I'll be in 20 yrs time and here I am.

So I went out wth this asian girl that was 10 yrs older than me she was a masseuse. 6 mths later we broke up or she dumped me. I was really really in love and happy.

Anyway about 2 or 3 mths after the break up at work I was discussing wth a work colleague about going for a massage and he mentioned a suburb where my ex worked and lived.

I advised him that I wldnt be going there as my ex lives and works around there. He insists and asks where she works as he was a taxi driver. I mention he wouldn't know but mention the street name and immediatly he knew and said the no. I confirmed it wss he goes on to tell me that place is a brothel and asks who I was dating. I tell him and he quickly mentions her pseudo name and tells me his friend was only there 2 weeks ago and had sex wth her. Then he remembers dropping her off to my place by cab wich was correct. I was gutted.

 

6 mths after the break up another company another work place same thing accept this guy go3s on to tell me she gave him a blow job.

I was in a world of pain.

A cpl yrs ago i had an ex who mind u was a virgin wen I met her cheat wth a very very close friend unbelievable I was devastated. I been thru so much and so much pain that woman now frighten me. I know it's a pattern in the sense that the situation ends up always being at my expense. It's been very painful but somehow I think I also contribute to it and in some ways end up being the architect of it.

[Anniveve]

Sounds as if you're instincts are serving you well with regards to avoiding his social media.

 

 

With regards to family/friends, you've also instructed them to refrain from sharing with you personal details about your ex-boyfriend's life. I would encourage you to continue to do this until such time as you no longer experience any pain/regret about the break up.

 

 

I'm experiencing my own excursion into the hell with a 18 year relationship that ended in Dec of last year. Although I've recently adopted the No Contact rule, I still find I compulsively check my email at times.

 

 

I don't think there is an exact time when each of us reaches the promised land of indifference. Time does seem to be the one common denominator that brings healing from heartbreak.

 

 

What I've done in the last 5 months that has helped:

 

 

- Confide in family/friends that you trust and you know care about you. Vent your frustration, fears and doubts. Seek out their support.

 

 

- I find that keeping busy allows me to focus on something other than him. Sometimes simply making a list of things to do can help if you're feeling unmotivated. I've taken to re-painting my house room by room with the hopes of eventually selling it. Join a gym. Research supports that with increased cardio, you release endorphins that act as a natural buffer against pain. (Added bonus is you look and feel better.) Self-esteem can take a major hit during break-ups. Do things that you've wanted to do but haven't made the time for yet.

 

 

- Websites that have helped tremendously in guiding me through the process of what to expect and how to deal effectively with the feelings of grief, anger, regret and sadness. 1.) Breakup Recovery Guide 2.) ExNoContact. (I'll try and post the links at the bottom of this response.)

 

 

- I made an appointment to see a phycologist next week. Although I am in a much better place than I was initially after he left, I still spend entirely too much time thinking of him. This is our 3rd separation with him initiating the separation and reconciliation. I want to become strong enough to be able to remain independent of him. Based on what I've read, therapy seems to be a common denominator in achieving joy again.

 

 

Just be patient with yourself. Understand that there will be good days and bad days. There will be set backs. Be forgiving of yourself when they happen. We deserve a complete, whole indestructible love.

 

 

http://breakuprecoveryguide.com/

 

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/

Edited May 28, 2017 by Anniveve

[theloner]

I see yes it sux in my case I hav to see a psychologist to help wth coping techniques it's really unfair in my case.

 

I've had to do some deep soul searching and it's now becoming apparent it's the choices I've made wth woman.

 

I'm always blindsided t hv eyes either cheating involved or lying.and I some how find out through the grapevine.

 

This is an interesting challenge. Just wen I thought it cldnt get any worse then wat I've been thru it does.

 

My breakups are fascinating they'd fill a whole show of Jerry springer.

 

Let me share one i had 20 yrs ago lol in fact wen that break up happened I was wondering to myself where I'll be in 20 yrs time and here I am.

So I went out wth this asian girl that was 10 yrs older than me she was a masseuse. 6 mths later we broke up or she dumped me. I was really really in love and happy.

Anyway about 2 or 3 mths after the break up at work I was discussing wth a work colleague about going for a massage and he mentioned a suburb where my ex worked and lived.

I advised him that I wldnt be going there as my ex lives and works around there. He insists and asks where she works as he was a taxi driver. I mention he wouldn't know but mention the street name and immediatly he knew and said the no. I confirmed it wss he goes on to tell me that place is a brothel and asks who I was dating. I tell him and he quickly mentions her pseudo name and tells me his friend was only there 2 weeks ago and had sex wth her. Then he remembers dropping her off to my place by cab wich was correct. I was gutted.

 

6 mths after the break up another company another work place same thing accept this guy go3s on to tell me she gave him a blow job.

I was in a world of pain.

A cpl yrs ago i had an ex who mind u was a virgin wen I met her cheat wth a very very close friend unbelievable I was devastated. I been thru so much and so much pain that woman now frighten me. I know it's a pattern in the sense that the situation ends up always being at my expense. It's been very painful but somehow I think I also contribute to it and in some ways end up being the architect of it.

Hmm sounds like thai girl to me.

Plus work as massage. You should keep in mind, they 99.999% can't be trust lol.

It's pretty obvious. This type of girl you cannot drop your emotional attachment si easily. I have lots of experience with thai girl btw. Just right now i date with the club singer(a very big club) She's beauty. So many mens like her abd wanna hang out with her. But she refused. Dunno y she likes me and keep video call me everytime she finished her job bcz she wanna prove to me she's good girl.

 

But still I dint trust her hehe

 

 

Opps sorry for off topic.

 

To op, mine too 3 months clean breakup with my ex. It's painful, just keep busy and continue dating.

Edited May 29, 2017 by theloner

[brokenshell]

I don't feel like I'm ready to date again anytime soon. But I'm doing my best to move on. I have had a slightly better day today. Mostly focusing on all the bad parts of the relationship. I have tried to cut contact, but unfortunatley he still has valuable belongings of mine. I have contacted him several times over the last 3 weeks to try and arrange either for him to drop it off at a mutual friends or something (I thought that this would be easier as I don't feel ready to see him face to face and fear it might knock me back to square one). I thought after 3 months this wouldnt be a problem since the dust may have settled. However he takes days to reply to my messages always stating how busy hes been and that he will drop it off at my house the next day. But he never does and never messages with an excuse just when I ask if hes actually going to return my things he will then reply again hours or days after the message and the same cycle happens again. I have offered to meet him halfway or even come to his plave for it, for a mutual friend to pick it up or even if he could just drop it off at a friends but he will just say "sorry, I'll bring it over to yours tomorrow" I'm angry because it means that I've had to be in extended contact with him when it really only should have took one message to sort out. Now I feel like im nagging at him and that he will think I'm some kind of crazy ex. I would like to go complete no contact. But I really need my computer back.

[brokenshell]

I have tried to cut all contact, but unfortunatley he still has valuable belongings of mine (my computer, that I loaned him when his was at the store being repaired) I have contacted him several times over the last 3 weeks to try and arrange either for him to drop it off at a mutual friends or something (I thought that this would be easier as I don't feel ready to see him face to face and fear it might knock me back to square one. I haven't saw hin at all in person since we broke up 3 month ago). I thought after 3 months this wouldnt be a problem since the dust may have settled. However he takes days to reply to my messages always stating how busy hes been and that he will drop it off at my house the next day. But he never does and never messages with an excuse only when I ask him why he didnt drop it off or if hes actually going to return it. He will then reply again hours or days after the message and the same cycle happens again. I have offered to meet him halfway or even come to his place for it, for a mutual friend to pick it up or even if he could just drop it off at a friends but he will just say "sorry, I'll bring it over to yours tomorrow" but he will not respond with a time or reply when I try and arrange it (my messages are brief and to the point) I'm angry because it means that I've had to be in extended contact with him when it really only should have took one message to sort out. Now I feel like im nagging at him and that he will think I'm some kind of crazy ex. I would like to go complete no contact. But I really need my computer back. Any advice? I feel like telling him not to bother but I can't afford to replace it and I'm mad that I was kind ebough to help him out when he needed it and he cant even spare a few minutes of his day to return it.

[preraph]

If you're in the US, you can take him to small claims court and he'll have to pay all the expense of that. So tell him if you don't get it back, you're taking him to court for it because you need it. And then do it.

 

Alternatively, if you have a protective father or big brother or new boyfriend or friend you can just have drop in on him and TAKE it from him, that would be the old fashioned say. Unless you're in a small community I doubt the police or sheriff would help you out. They'd have to be pretty idle. But if you're not in a big town but a small or rural one, you might at least call in the guise of asking their advice. They're probably tell you small claims court. But you never know.

[ExpatInItaly]

Tell him one more time to return it, and if he doesn't, you will have no other option but to pursue it through a lawyer.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I've witnessed this kind of personal belongings hostage taking. It's really simple...

 

1. Control

2. He has no desire to make it easy on you, owes you nothing as he feels.

3. Contempt

 

You should have friends/family and eventually the police get involved.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just a thought, but any chance he's either broken it or sold it for parts or otherwise doesn't have it anymore? And hoping you'll just give up and stop asking for it so he doesn't have to come clean?

[brokenshell]

Just a thought, but any chance he's either broken it or sold it for parts or otherwise doesn't have it anymore? And hoping you'll just give up and stop asking for it so he doesn't have to come clean?

 

I keep thinking what if he has broke it, but he only used it for a few days while his was being fixed. We were together at the time obviously. This was late last year, because we were together and I didn't really need it at the time I never rushed to get it back.

 

I don't think he would have sold it as it probably isn't worth much as it's a little old. I'm guessing he probably forgot he even had it.

 

It just feels like he doesn't have the time of day for me. Like its not anywhere in his priorities. I have stressed to him I need it back as soon as possible because I need to work from it but he doesn't seem to be in any rush to give it back.

 

Its upsetting because if I was in his shoes and someone had gone out of their way to do a kind deed for me when I was in need I would make a point of returning it, wether I would have to go out of my way and make time to do so. I think its just being polite.

[Bromeo]

Or, unless you need it immediately, you could just chill for awhile. Clearly contact with him is bringing up old emotions, and he either can't or won't have a mature conversation with you about it.

 

My ex left, didn't tell me, and didn't take her things. I calmly told her that since we weren't together, she no longer had access to my home without me present, and that we should have a conversation and coordinate before she showed up to claim her things. I don't allow my friends into my home unaccompanied, and she wasn't even a friend.

 

She responded by waiting until I was on a work trip, and broke into my home, bringing several other people with her to get her things. Even after doing this twice, she still didn't get all her junk. I attempted to communicate with her about that stuff, and barring that took it to her work and dropped it on her car. Upon doing this she cursed at me, as somehow I was embarrassing her at her work. I didn't care, I wanted her crap out of my home.

 

The third load I took to the dump. After all that, screw her.

 

Point is, see how the escalation went? If he is refusing to communicate about your computer, small claims court will make things worse. That should be your very last option. You are experiencing what ester parrell calls "icing", where the grieved partner is always busy, distances but responds, and isnt strong enough to communicate properly. I know icing well.

 

I strongly advise against "taking" your things back, as some states have laws about abandoned property. In my state, my exs junk became mine after 90 days, as long as reasonable efforts were made to return it. I made these efforts via email, for record keeping. Check into that before making any bold moves.

 

What you want to avoid is making a tense situation unresolvable.

 

Do you have a family member of his you keep contact with? Try that.

 

He sounds very hurt, and wants to lash back in this admittedly very petty way.

Edited May 29, 2017 by Bromeo

[brokenshell]

Or, unless you need it immediately, you could just chill for awhile. Clearly contact with him is bringing up old emotions, and he either can't or won't have a mature conversation with you about it.

 

My ex left, didn't tell me, and didn't take her things. I calmly told her that since we weren't together, she no longer had access to my home without me present, and that we should have a conversation and coordinate before she showed up to claim her things. I don't allow my friends into my home unaccompanied, and she wasn't even a friend.

 

She responded by waiting until I was on a work trip, and broke into my home, bringing several other people with her to get her things. Even after doing this twice, she still didn't get all her junk. I attempted to communicate with her about that stuff, and barring that took it to her work and dropped it on her car. Upon doing this she cursed at me, as somehow I was embarrassing her at her work. I didn't care, I wanted her crap out of my home.

 

The third load I took to the dump. After all that, screw her.

 

Point is, see how the escalation went? If he is refusing to communicate about your computer, small claims court will make things worse. That should be your very last option. You are experiencing what ester parrell calls "icing", where the grieved partner is always busy, distances but responds, and isnt strong enough to communicate properly. I know icing well.

 

I strongly advise against "taking" your things back, as some states have laws about abandoned property. In my state, my exs junk became mine after 90 days, as long as reasonable efforts were made to return it. I made these efforts via email, for record keeping. Check into that before making any bold moves.

 

What you want to avoid is making a tense situation unresolvable.

 

Do you have a family member of his you keep contact with? Try that.

 

He sounds very hurt, and wants to lash back in this admittedly very petty way.

 

But the thing is, he broke up with me. I was the one who appeared to be hurt most. I struggled in the first month after the break up, I made all the post breakup mistakes that first month. He seemed like he didn't care and appeared to move on quite well. I find it hard to believe hes hurt over me. He has never intiated conversation apart from one day commenting on an instagram picture I uploaded about 2 months after the breakup and liked a few of my pictures. I sent him a private message stating that he had to realise he said he didnt want to be with me anymore (he did say in the breakup chat he still loved me and didn't want to completely lose me out of his life. But I told him that I couldn't be friends, at least for a while. He did walk off at that point crying and it was the last time I saw him in person) anyway I told him that I was trying to move on so he needed to back off and give me time to heal. He never replied and never tried to contact me again. The first few messages I sent about my computer I tried to keep friendly and light hearted about the situation.

 

What makes me even more mad is the fact he was supposed to drop it off at my place yesterday and he even drove past my house to see friends yesterday (someone told me they saw him out with them in my town) and he still couldn't makr the effort even though it was on his journey anyway

[Bromeo]

But the thing is, he broke up with me. I was the one who appeared to be hurt most. I struggled in the first month after the break up, I made all the post breakup mistakes that first month. He seemed like he didn't care and appeared to move on quite well. I find it hard to believe hes hurt over me. He has never intiated conversation apart from one day commenting on an instagram picture I uploaded about 2 months after the breakup and liked a few of my pictures. I sent him a private message stating that he had to realise he said he didnt want to be with me anymore (he did say in the breakup chat he still loved me and didn't want to completely lose me out of his life. But I told him that I couldn't be friends, at least for a while. He did walk off at that point crying and it was the last time I saw him in person) anyway I told him that I was trying to move on so he needed to back off and give me time to heal. He never replied and never tried to contact me again. The first few messages I sent about my computer I tried to keep friendly and light hearted about the situation.

 

What makes me even more mad is the fact he was supposed to drop it off at my place yesterday and he even drove past my house to see friends yesterday (someone told me they saw him out with them in my town) and he still couldn't makr the effort even though it was on his journey anyway

 

You sound more like me, and your ex sounds like my exgf. She broke it off as well, refused to cut ties, would reach out, distance, and play games.

 

Sounds like yours is playing the same games. These immature, insecure people all read from the same playbook, and at this point in my life, it's very old and tired. I'll never go through it again.

 

And in the end, I know it sucks, its stuff.

[brokenshell]

I've been sitting thinking that maybe I should text him saying "Look, don't bother then" and leave it at that and go no contact? Surely if he is playing games he might think okay, I'll give her it back. I could leave it a couple of weeks and see if he contacts or tries to return it and if he doesn't I'll ask a mutual friend to get it from him? Is this a good idea or not?

 

*I'm trying to hold off getting a mutual friend to confront him over it because I don't want to get other people involved in my dramas and it may cause problems for my friend. If he could drop it off at a mutual friends without being confronted it would be better, because it doesnt seem so hostile if he passes it on and says if you see such nd such could you pass this onto her

Edited May 29, 2017 by brokenshell

[brokenshell]

You sound more like me, and your ex sounds like my exgf. She broke it off as well, refused to cut ties, would reach out, distance, and play games.

 

Sounds like yours is playing the same games. These immature, insecure people all read from the same playbook, and at this point in my life, it's very old and tired. I'll never go through it again.

 

And in the end, I know it sucks, its stuff.

 

Why do they do this to us, eh? As if breaking up with us isn't enough...

 

However he doesn't seem the type to play games, he's nearly 40 I'd like to think hes more mature than that and hes a pretty straight forward guy. Theres a big age gap between us (10 years) thats why it has me baffled as to why he cant just drop it off and the only reason that I can really believe is that hes just completely uninterested and I dont make his list of priorities anymore.

[Bromeo]

Why do they do this to us, eh? As if breaking up with us isn't enough...

 

However he doesn't seem the type to play games, he's nearly 40 I'd like to think hes more mature than that and hes a pretty straight forward guy. Theres a big age gap between us (10 years) thats why it has me baffled as to why he cant just drop it off and the only reason that I can really believe is that hes just completely uninterested and I dont make his list of priorities anymore.

 

Age makes no difference. Mine had been doing her disappearing act since 2004 at least. Every time I would push, she would disrespect me and then reach out days later with love songs and quotes. It was incredibly confusing, frustrating, and painful.

 

I would argue that it's not uninterested, he clearly knows you want your stuff back, he is holding onto it to make a point, playing games, and acting like an immature little boy.

 

Regarding your mutual friend, it's not involving other people, it's taking the high road, and avoiding additional drama between the two of you.

 

I would let it set for a couple weeks, then use the friend. By doing so you let things cool down.

 

And remember, in the end, it's stuff.

[brokenshell]

I think you're right. I'm going to go no contact and let the dust settle and let a friend ask for it back in a few weeks. And see where to go from there

[brokenshell]

Well, turns out my mutual friend has got in touch with my ex today and is arranging to get the conputer back. I never asked them but they could obviously see how it was upsetting me and decided to intervene. I'll update later if I hear anything more or get it back.