Blindsided by Break Up at Worst Possible Time

[Bamboozle]

Ok, so a little background information. Apologies for the length of this.

 

I'm a 29 year old single mother after my relationship with my sons father fell apart after an affair. It was a toxic relationship as it was with constant lies, cheating and control from his part. The result of this relationship was me being an insecure mess with trust issues. I finally ended the relationship after the final straw but came away from the relationship with severe anxiety. It took me over a year to cope with my anxiety and feel like me again.

 

8 months ago I met who I thought was the most amazing man. I've genuinely hand on my heart have never had this connection with someone in my life. I was so scared i'd have major trust issues from my previous relationship but I haven't. It's been an incredibly mature, happy relationship with no issues. He himself was in a controlling marriage where he felt every move he made scrutinized, he also has a child with this person.

 

He has met my son and he is beyond amazing with him, he just treats the two of us like a dream. He's complimenting, makes an effort constantly and has commented multiple times how lucky he feels to have met someone as great as me.

 

About 2 months ago two days after he told his ex wife that he was in a relationship he got a bit distant. He had his son for a week who I haven't met so I assumed this was the case and left him to enjoy his time without contacting him. After 4 days he made contact and wasn't himself, I asked him was everything ok and he went on this huge rant where he explained he wasn't feeling like himself, he was basically angry with life and beating himself up over every little thing he felt he wasn't doing good enough. He told me he can get into these moods and he doesn't want to be around anyone and that I deserve someone who's not going to be like this. I was a bit persistent (more than i'd like to admit) but more so cos I hated seeing someone I cared about so much feel so down, a couple of days later he was himself as well as extremely apologetic.

 

Things were great after this, if anything it felt like it brought us closer. Plans have been made for the future, holiday booked etc. Last week he even told his ex wife he wants me to meet their son. Anyways he has an ex girlfriend who contacts him quite a bit (they don't meet in person as far as I know) and we've spoken about her and I told him it makes me feel a little uncomfortable with the amount of contact she attempts to make but if he can assure me that its nothing more than friends I can trust his word. This was fine, until last week yet another ex made contact with him, she sent him a text when we were together which he opened in front of me. I asked how often they talk and he said they check in every so often. I tried to have a conversation with him about how uncomfortable his contact with ex's makes me feel, I felt like it was something I needed to talk about due to what happened in my last relationship. Straight away he turned into a different person, said he wasn't going to be controlled like his ex wife did, and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone as he's not ready to settle. He says whats the point when its going to happen eventually down the line and it will be harder then.

 

He won't face me, he's just being rude and giving no explanations except for how he doesn't want to be around anyone at all, it's so confusing that he has gone from telling his ex wife he's ready to introduce me to their son to completely pushing me away.

 

It's completely blind sighted me and has come out of an issue that has been made out to be more relevant than it is. I'm in my final year of college and have my final exams next week and my anxiety is back with a bang. I'm constantly having anxiety attacks and this constant feeling of being on edge. I don't know how to handle him, the breakup or how to get through these finals. I'm just so lost and don't know how to get through it. Any comments appreciated. Thanks.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Bamboozle

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry the timing of this sucks, right before exams. To the extent possible you have to compartmentalize & shut off all your emotions concerning this to get through exams.

 

Once you pass then you grieve & heal.

 

 

This guy has way too many contacts with EXs. He doesn't seem to be able to make a clean break. I bet after a few months he tries to "be friends" with you & chat socially while dating yet another unwitting woman.

 

 

Good luck on your exams. Focus on what's important.

[nightingale77]

Hi dear, sorry to hear that there are so many things on your plate right now. It must be overwhelming having to deal with your child, revision and your relathionship. It's really bad timing.

 

How's your family support in terms of the child support? Do you get help from your family from time to time to look after your child while you get a few hours off to do your own things (for eg, revision or rest)?

 

As for your relationship, i can understand it's really hard not to talk about it or be affected by it cos it's very emotionally charged. Go see a counsellor or therapist if you can to help you cope with anxiety during these period so that you can cope with your exam. Meanwhile, try your best to focus on your finals. When the intense feeling arises, tell yourself it will pass. If there are bad memories that arises, tell yourself, this too will pass. Hope this helps. God bless and I'm keeping you in my prayer.

[Goodguy05]

Ok, so a little background information. Apologies for the length of this.

 

I'm a 29 year old single mother after my relationship with my sons father fell apart after an affair. It was a toxic relationship as it was with constant lies, cheating and control from his part. The result of this relationship was me being an insecure mess with trust issues. I finally ended the relationship after the final straw but came away from the relationship with severe anxiety. It took me over a year to cope with my anxiety and feel like me again.

 

8 months ago I met who I thought was the most amazing man. I've genuinely hand on my heart have never had this connection with someone in my life. I was so scared i'd have major trust issues from my previous relationship but I haven't. It's been an incredibly mature, happy relationship with no issues. He himself was in a controlling marriage where he felt every move he made scrutinized, he also has a child with this person.

 

He has met my son and he is beyond amazing with him, he just treats the two of us like a dream. He's complimenting, makes an effort constantly and has commented multiple times how lucky he feels to have met someone as great as me.

 

About 2 months ago two days after he told his ex wife that he was in a relationship he got a bit distant. He had his son for a week who I haven't met so I assumed this was the case and left him to enjoy his time without contacting him. After 4 days he made contact and wasn't himself, I asked him was everything ok and he went on this huge rant where he explained he wasn't feeling like himself, he was basically angry with life and beating himself up over every little thing he felt he wasn't doing good enough. He told me he can get into these moods and he doesn't want to be around anyone and that I deserve someone who's not going to be like this. I was a bit persistent (more than i'd like to admit) but more so cos I hated seeing someone I cared about so much feel so down, a couple of days later he was himself as well as extremely apologetic.

 

Things were great after this, if anything it felt like it brought us closer. Plans have been made for the future, holiday booked etc. Last week he even told his ex wife he wants me to meet their son. Anyways he has an ex girlfriend who contacts him quite a bit (they don't meet in person as far as I know) and we've spoken about her and I told him it makes me feel a little uncomfortable with the amount of contact she attempts to make but if he can assure me that its nothing more than friends I can trust his word. This was fine, until last week yet another ex made contact with him, she sent him a text when we were together which he opened in front of me. I asked how often they talk and he said they check in every so often. I tried to have a conversation with him about how uncomfortable his contact with ex's makes me feel, I felt like it was something I needed to talk about due to what happened in my last relationship. Straight away he turned into a different person, said he wasn't going to be controlled like his ex wife did, and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone as he's not ready to settle. He says whats the point when its going to happen eventually down the line and it will be harder then.

 

He won't face me, he's just being rude and giving no explanations except for how he doesn't want to be around anyone at all, it's so confusing that he has gone from telling his ex wife he's ready to introduce me to their son to completely pushing me away.

 

It's completely blind sighted me and has come out of an issue that has been made out to be more relevant than it is. I'm in my final year of college and have my final exams next week and my anxiety is back with a bang. I'm constantly having anxiety attacks and this constant feeling of being on edge. I don't know how to handle him, the breakup or how to get through these finals. I'm just so lost and don't know how to get through it. Any comments appreciated. Thanks.

 

Dint be lost he hasn't dealt with the baggage from his marriage even though he thinks he has he hasn't. Making statements like "o won't be controlled like that again" see it for what it is his baggage he hasn't healed nor and this is key unravelled the mess that relationship caused. Botherwise this is another eye opener for me actually. I've spent a good 15 yrs sabotaging my relationships from not dealing wth the baggage that was caused from the passed. Man its so important to get a healer a therapist to deal wth this **** and that's what it is and I can see how u actually attracted this guy wth these traits because it's a MIrror of you. I would say you've dealt wth the past a little better but you still haven't healed. Having said that if you guys want to have a successful relationship he needs to take intoconsideration how you feel about ex's contacting him and show you your important enough to cut them out. Personally I wouldn't tolerate that ex's keeping in touch and have been fortunate enough to never have had to deal wth that. I wouldn't be happy with that. So yes you hav pretty good justifications to feel insecure about ex's contacting him. .if I was you continue and encourage him to see someone to deal wth the past baggage and a healer to release those emotions from the mind.

 

Finally good good luck and God bless and remember heal the past and unravel that damage that wss done so u can have a healthy mind