Too much anger after lies

[emmalouise]

I hope this is the right place to post this..

I broke up with my ex almost a year ago, but we stayed friends - I genuinely thought if I stayed close, he would want me back. Long story short, for the past few months he's been lying to me constantly about girls so recently I got rid. That bit I can deal with, as it's kind of a relief and I feel free.

WHat I can't cope with is what happens next. I've been with a fair few guys but I never truly felt comfortable in front of any of them apart from my ex. I'm not a small girl but he still loved my body. He saw all of my intimate parts that no other guy has seen because I'm self conscious. I honestly felt so relaxed in front of him when naked. So what if I never feel like that with anyone else? I'm terrified I wont be able to show someone else my intimate parts or be comfortable with it. He never once judged my body, but what if every other guy does? He didn't even blink at my stretch marks and he accepted them. I feel like I'll forever be alone because of my confidence.

Edited March 20, 2017 by emmalouise

[preraph]

Well, it's not easy for anyone getting used to a new man and making sure their attraction is genuine. But I'm glad you let go of your ex. I think it's important that you spend a lot of time right now being with friends and going and doing fun things with them or by yourself. If your size is bothering you, maybe you undertake to change that. I've lost a load of weight a few times. It's not all that hard if you want to do it. Keeping it off is the real challenge, and that's easier the younger you are.

 

But meanwhile, unlikely you can replace him right away, so be sure you do things on your own that make you happy and that keep your interesting to others and keep you social. Good luck.

[BluesPower]

Put that out of your mind...

 

Listen, First off, if you are uncomfortable with your weight, then make the necessary changes.

 

Second, any guy that is that hung up on looks, forget him. Beauty and sexiness comes from the inside. The sooner you learn that the better off that you will be.

 

One of my GF's is a heavy girl. And honestly, she is just one of the most beautiful and sexy women that I know. And to make it all better, she is absolutely a wonderful lover.

 

Your self-worth comes from you and no one else. If you feel like you need to loose weight, OK, put your mind to it and do it.

 

But do not let what other people think determine what you think about yourself.

[froggymom]

It sounds to me like you might need to work on your self-esteem before you start a new relationship. If you give yourself some space and time after your ex, you can explore what it is you really want and expect from a new partner. Perhaps some counseling could help or simply list all the positive qualities you posses and want to bring to a new relationship. Relationships take time to grow and it usually takes me a long time to come to trust someone with my intimate self. Don't rush. Take your time to find the right person for you.

[LilAddison]

You are going to have to learn to love yourself before you can expect a man to.

When you feel uncomfortable in front of a man it comes off you like a stink. It's transference... You imprint him with how you feel about yourself. It will create uncertainty within him. "Is it ok to touch that or will it make her uncomfortable?" He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable... It's counterproductive to what makes him happy.

We all have things we don't like about our bodies. I'm a neurotic mess about how I see myself in the mirror. That is the curse of being female. We are our own worst enemies.

 

Touching on what Froggymom said, you need to institute changes that form positive images about yourself. Once you notice your jeans are getting a bit loose or your thighs are no longer rubbing as much you will feel energized and sexier. You don't need to look like a supermodel... But you do have to feel like one! =)

 

I was a chubby girl in high school. I feel your pain. Once I started to lose the weight and all of a sudden men were not only noticing me, but coming after me, my self esteem went up ten-fold. Ironically I'm a lesbian, but it still felt good that men (who are usually much more aggressive, but also more stand-offish when unattracted) told me I was beautiful... I was sexy... I was not the monster my crazy woman brain had been telling me all this time. Just wait until you have to go buy your first smaller pair of jeans... You will be on cloud 9!! =D

You may not love yourself today, but you can do something that will help you love yourself tomorrow.

[Grathblagg]

Put that out of your mind...

 

Listen, First off, if you are uncomfortable with your weight, then make the necessary changes.

 

Second, any guy that is that hung up on looks, forget him. Beauty and sexiness comes from the inside. The sooner you learn that the better off that you will be.

 

One of my GF's is a heavy girl. And honestly, she is just one of the most beautiful and sexy women that I know. And to make it all better, she is absolutely a wonderful lover.

 

Your self-worth comes from you and no one else. If you feel like you need to loose weight, OK, put your mind to it and do it.

 

But do not let what other people think determine what you think about yourself.

 

This SO true, and an outstanding post!!

[Grathblagg]

emmalouise, if you're worried about your weight, then work to change it, but only because you want to, not because you're worried about what other people think.

 

Outstanding, beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes. What one man sees as beautiful, another sees in a different way.

 

Allow your inner self to shine through, and understand that there's nothing that you can do to make yourself appealing to every man. You can only be confident that there are people out there who will look at you, the whole package, and be attracted to you.

 

The first thing that you must do is realize that there's more to you than what you're worried about, disregard those who are looking for another type of woman, and focus on those who are worthy of you. You can't do that if you believe that you're not attractive. One of the secrets of life is that the type of person that you are, your wit, your attitude, your personality, is actually more valuable than your body shape in the long run, just so long as you live a healthy lifestyle.

 

Oftentimes, a "supermodel" is surrounded by the drama of men who are too shallow to look beyond the externalities, and suffers because of that, especially when time takes its toll, but a woman who has all of the other pieces in place doesn't have to wonder about what their man will think after childbirth, aging, etc...

 

Be yourself, and you'll find someone who loves you just the way that you are. When you're young, it seems so much harder, but take my word for it, if you are confident in yourself and don't settle for less than you deserve, you'll be happier than most. You'll look around at the "supermodels" later in life, and their struggles, and be happy that you are who you are!

Edited March 20, 2017 by Grathblagg

[emmalouise]

So I posted recently that I told my ex where to go after I found out he's been lying to me. The truth is, I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me so angry.

 

I broke up with my ex almost a year ago and we stayed friends. September time he met a girl, who he told me he was just friends with. He was homeless and she was offering him a roof over his head. Her accommodation came with her job, but it all changed and they had to find a flat. He told me it was a 2 bedroom flat. November time, he then told me he was lying to me and she forced him to sleep with her in order to let him stay. Also turned out it was a 1 bedroom flat. He told me he didnt want to lose me so I forgave him. He also said he wanted her out of his life. They ended up living 2 separate lives but under the same roof. He was sleeping on the sofa.

 

Fast forward to the end of December and he finds a new place to live. I help him collect his belongings from the old flat. Everything seemed fine, we were still going on as friends. Now it's Valentine's Day and we fell out the day before. He ends up going out VDay with his mate and his girlfriend and this other girl. Long story short, this other girl turns out to be his girlfriend and now we are in March, they've been together a few months. Now I didn't know this girl existed, and remember we aren't together so he can actually be with who he wants. He told me she was a random girl who said she'd go out for an evening fire on VDay. Since September I've had him blocked on Facebook. SO recently I decided to check his account through my dads facebook account. This girl has popped up several times and to make things less complicated, things he told me about her, weren't true. He told me he went for a walk and showed me pictures when he had finished. He had told me he was alone. He actually took her, and tagged her in the pictures and she thanked him in the comments for a lovely day. So, he told me he was alone and he actually wasn't. This is only one of the number of lies he's told me about her. I accept the fact he can be with someone else, but I can't accept the lies. She isn't the first girl he's lied to me about.

 

I kicked him out of my life a week ago after finding out the constant lies, which, he still denied were lies. I'm obviously still upset as I've lost my best friend, and the one person I thought would always be there for me. But when I think about it, I get so angry about the lies. He told me I'm the one person he could always rely on and be himself around (he said this 2 weeks ago).. if I was so important why has he been lying? When we first met he told me he hates liars, but on effect, he's been lying to me for 6 months. I'm so so angry.. how do I even begin to get past this? I don't ever want to speak to him again so I wont even go to him to ask why. But how do I help myself get past this all? I don't want to be angry, I just want to move on with my life and get him out of my thoughts.

 

Sorry I've babbled.. I dont have anyone else to go to.. he was the one I went to when I was upset.

[emmalouise]

Thank you all <3

[Altair0770]

Well, I should warn you this is what I see and it won't make you less angry.

 

Yes he lied to you, but in all honesty, you ended a relationship with him. When you break up with someone, unless it's a mutual decision, you are agreeing to never see them again.

 

People think dumpees are evil if they go NC and cut the dumper completely out of their life, but that was the dumpers decision. He doesn't have to tell you the truth at all, or tell you anything about him since you broke it off with him.

 

Yes, lying is terrible, but let's analyze your post. All the lies have been about other girls. I don't think you're mad or angry. I think you're jealous. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You break it off with him, still try to take advantage of him by being "friends" and get angry that he hasn't been honest.

 

I don't know how to help you get over anger, but I do know I can be honest with you.

 

 

You broke up with him. He doesn't have to tell you anything about himself

 

Why is he lying? Probably because he wants to keep you as an option because he still has feelings for you, and doesn't want to make you upset. But you went behind his back and tried to learn information about him. I'm sorry to say but that's a controlling attitude. if you broke up with him, it's his life, he's welcome to date anyone he wants, and do what he wants, without your permission or approval.

 

Sounds like you need to have a serious self-talk and decide what it really is that you want with this guy. Sounds to me like you still have strong feelings and possibly regret.

[emmalouise]

Well, I should warn you this is what I see and it won't make you less angry.

 

Yes he lied to you, but in all honesty, you ended a relationship with him. When you break up with someone, unless it's a mutual decision, you are agreeing to never see them again.

 

People think dumpees are evil if they go NC and cut the dumper completely out of their life, but that was the dumpers decision. He doesn't have to tell you the truth at all, or tell you anything about him since you broke it off with him.

 

Yes, lying is terrible, but let's analyze your post. All the lies have been about other girls. I don't think you're mad or angry. I think you're jealous. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You break it off with him, still try to take advantage of him by being "friends" and get angry that he hasn't been honest.

 

I don't know how to help you get over anger, but I do know I can be honest with you.

 

 

You broke up with him. He doesn't have to tell you anything about himself

 

Why is he lying? Probably because he wants to keep you as an option because he still has feelings for you, and doesn't want to make you upset. But you went behind his back and tried to learn information about him. I'm sorry to say but that's a controlling attitude. if you broke up with him, it's his life, he's welcome to date anyone he wants, and do what he wants, without your permission or approval.

 

Sounds like you need to have a serious self-talk and decide what it really is that you want with this guy. Sounds to me like you still have strong feelings and possibly regret.

 

He's the one who broke it off with me, I didn't want us to end and I've been asking for him back ever since

[emmalouise]

My ex broke up with me almost a year ago, something I wasn't expecting or wanted but we stayed friends.

September time he met a girl, who he told me he was just friends with. He was homeless and she was offering him a roof over his head. Her accommodation came with her job, but it all changed and they had to find a flat. He told me it was a 2 bedroom flat. November time, he then told me he was lying to me and she forced him to sleep with her in order to let him stay. Also turned out it was a 1 bedroom flat. He told me he didnt want to lose me so I forgave him. He also said he wanted her out of his life. They ended up living 2 separate lives but under the same roof. He was sleeping on the sofa.

 

Fast forward to the end of December and he finds a new place to live. I help him collect his belongings from the old flat. Everything seemed fine, we were still going on as friends. Now it's Valentine's Day and we fell out the day before. He ends up going out VDay with his mate and his girlfriend and this other girl. Long story short, this other girl turns out to be his girlfriend and now we are in March, they've been together a few months. Now I didn't know this girl existed, and remember we aren't together so he can actually be with who he wants. He told me she was a random girl who said she'd go out for an evening fire on VDay. Since September I've had him blocked on Facebook. SO recently I decided to check his account through my dads facebook account. This girl has popped up several times and to make things less complicated, things he told me about her, weren't true. He told me he went for a walk and showed me pictures when he had finished. He had told me he was alone. He actually took her, and tagged her in the pictures and she thanked him in the comments for a lovely day. So, he told me he was alone and he actually wasn't. This is only one of the number of lies he's told me about her. I accept the fact he can be with someone else, but I can't accept the lies. She isn't the first girl he's lied to me about.

 

I kicked him out of my life a week ago after finding out the constant lies, which, he still denied were lies. I'm obviously still upset as I've lost my best friend, and the one person I thought would always be there for me. But when I think about it, I get so angry about the lies. He told me I'm the one person he could always rely on and be himself around (he said this 2 weeks ago).. if I was so important why has he been lying? When we first met he told me he hates liars, but on effect, he's been lying to me for 6 months. I'm so so angry.. how do I even begin to get past this? I don't ever want to speak to him again so I wont even go to him to ask why. But how do I help myself get past this all? I don't want to be angry, I just want to move on with my life and get him out of my thoughts.

 

Sorry I've babbled.. I dont have anyone else to go to.. he was the one I went to when I was upset.

[emmalouise]

Well, I should warn you this is what I see and it won't make you less angry.

 

Yes he lied to you, but in all honesty, you ended a relationship with him. When you break up with someone, unless it's a mutual decision, you are agreeing to never see them again.

 

People think dumpees are evil if they go NC and cut the dumper completely out of their life, but that was the dumpers decision. He doesn't have to tell you the truth at all, or tell you anything about him since you broke it off with him.

 

Yes, lying is terrible, but let's analyze your post. All the lies have been about other girls. I don't think you're mad or angry. I think you're jealous. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You break it off with him, still try to take advantage of him by being "friends" and get angry that he hasn't been honest.

 

I don't know how to help you get over anger, but I do know I can be honest with you.

 

 

You broke up with him. He doesn't have to tell you anything about himself

 

Why is he lying? Probably because he wants to keep you as an option because he still has feelings for you, and doesn't want to make you upset. But you went behind his back and tried to learn information about him. I'm sorry to say but that's a controlling attitude. if you broke up with him, it's his life, he's welcome to date anyone he wants, and do what he wants, without your permission or approval.

 

Sounds like you need to have a serious self-talk and decide what it really is that you want with this guy. Sounds to me like you still have strong feelings and possibly regret.

 

I can see i worded it wrong so have done a new thread and will ask this one to be deleted

[PegNosePete]

So he lied while you were together. So much so that you told him where to go... and apparently he dumped you. Okay.

 

And now you're upset because he's still lying?

 

Well sorry, have to say, what did you expect here? That he would suddenly change his ways? No. He is a liar. The only thing you can do is to move on from this jerk because as you very well know, he is a compulsive liar. He is NOT going to change.

 

You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Will you let him fool you a third time? Or are you already on the 4th or 5th or 6th by now??

 

This guy is never going to change so the only way you can get away from this drama is to cut him off forever, and find someone who is decent and honest.

[Altair0770]

He's the one who broke it off with me, I didn't want us to end and I've been asking for him back ever since

 

Oh, I guess I misread when you said you broke up with your ex.

 

Then the issue you're making is trying to be friends when you're not friends, you're still in love with him.

 

Best to completely go NC and heal. The only realistic way you'll ever get someone back is by being completely out of their lives, so much so they realize what they're missing. As long as you keep begging for him back, he's going to get EVERYTHING he wants out of you with ZERO commitment while you're in misery.

 

Turn the tides. Completely exit his life. If he wants you around he will reach out to you, but only reply if he specifies he wants you back. The more you stick around, the more you're going to get hurt and decrease your chances of reconciliation.

[William]

Folks, moderation merged three threads on a similar topic so all responses and context are retained. There may be some overlapping or duplicate content but that can easily be clarified. Please confine discussion of this breakup to this thread. Thank you!

[emmalouise]

Oh, I guess I misread when you said you broke up with your ex.

 

Then the issue you're making is trying to be friends when you're not friends, you're still in love with him.

 

Best to completely go NC and heal. The only realistic way you'll ever get someone back is by being completely out of their lives, so much so they realize what they're missing. As long as you keep begging for him back, he's going to get EVERYTHING he wants out of you with ZERO commitment while you're in misery.

 

Turn the tides. Completely exit his life. If he wants you around he will reach out to you, but only reply if he specifies he wants you back. The more you stick around, the more you're going to get hurt and decrease your chances of reconciliation.

 

I re-read it all after you replied and realised how it looked like it was me who broke up with him.

I fell for his lies "I need you still in my life," "if we stay friends then who knows what could happen between us," blah blah.

 

Even if he messaged me now I couldn't reply, he has lied for 6 months and to me there's no going back on that. I just can't control my anger over the lies. That's whats bothering me, the anger. I'm lashing out because I'm so angry I've been lied to. Or am I angry I allowed myself to be lied to?..

[PegNosePete]

Or am I angry I allowed myself to be lied to?..

Yes, I think this is the one. You knew he was a liar. You knew he lied over and over and over. Yet you still believed him.

 

That doesn't mean you're stupid, it just means you had feelings are were "thinking" with your heart not your head.

 

It's normal and fine to be angry. But make sure you learn from the mistake. Don't allow him (or others) to fool you in the future. In time the anger will fade but the lesson will remain and you will be stronger for it.

[emmalouise]

Yes, I think this is the one. You knew he was a liar. You knew he lied over and over and over. Yet you still believed him.

 

That doesn't mean you're stupid, it just means you had feelings are were "thinking" with your heart not your head.

 

It's normal and fine to be angry. But make sure you learn from the mistake. Don't allow him (or others) to fool you in the future. In time the anger will fade but the lesson will remain and you will be stronger for it.

 

I think that's also what it is. More fool me. Definitely have learnt my lesson.. my gut was telling me for months to get rid, maybe I should listen to it more often