soulforge Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Hello guys just needed some insight off you.. I ended things with my EX around a month ago, because her behaviour was getting quite bad towards me.. some rudness and disrespect. Prior to me ending it.. It was infact her who initialy walked out on me.. we was living together and she moved out.. I sometimes wonder if me and the EX got back together, what are the likely hood of things working out. We are LDR atleast a 1 hour drive away.. she has her own property.. i have my own.. I am not willing to move to her home town, as she walked out on me before, so giving up my job and property, seems too much of a risk for me. Also she will not move back over here, as she already transferred her job over once to live with me.. then she walked out, and transferred her job back to her home town. Is there any point in continuing to see someome LDR if there is no chance of you living together or marrying each other? Just seeing each other once a week.. I must point out.. I am not back with her.. I have her blocked on every level, so she cannot contact me. I am not even sure if I would get back with her.. she creates drama, and can be rude at time.. Its just something that came to my mind... also would you fear investing in someone again, who walked out on you? Link to post Share on other sites
BryanSmiley Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 It's only natural to fear a repeat. Not only here is there a 'well they were willing to dump me once, they'll do it again' but you did the same, so the same fear is on her side. There’s a chance that could really waken you both up to how foolish you both were to dump the other when you mean a lot to one another. And having learnt the harsh lesson - how you’d handle things differently in future rather than just breaking up. But the fact you’ve both moved jobs/locations and that’s gone sour as-well, is all the more reason to steer clear there. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 All that LDR stuff is irrelevant. If your threads are about her, you need to stop analyzing this to death because her behavior likely will not change. Unless you like feeling disrespected and spoken down to then keep contemplating on the what ifs. Focus on what's ahead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Altair0770 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 You seem to answer your own question multiple times. Once trust is severed, it takes a LOT to repair it, if even possible. It seems to me you think she needs to change. You cannot change other people. They can only change themselves. It seems you're just lonely and miss having a partner, rather than the actual partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 It's only natural to fear a repeat. Not only here is there a 'well they were willing to dump me once, they'll do it again' but you did the same, so the same fear is on her side. There’s a chance that could really waken you both up to how foolish you both were to dump the other when you mean a lot to one another. And having learnt the harsh lesson - how you’d handle things differently in future rather than just breaking up. But the fact you’ve both moved jobs/locations and that’s gone sour as-well, is all the more reason to steer clear there. Yes we did the moving in together.. and first little problem we had, she moved back home.. This leaves only LDR as an option. . Anything more than that would be too risky Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 and first little problem we had, she moved back home.. There's an issue with your approach right here. You may see what happened as a little problem. But she obviously did not see it that way. By calling it a 'little problem' you're straight up dismissing her views and feelings. There's also the consideration that an issue may start as a little problem, but if the discussion issue ends up with one or both parties being very rude to each other - then the disagreement style itself becomes a significant problem. People don't leave established relationships over what they see as a "little problem". Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Unless you live in Boys Town, USA, I can't imagine why you'd want a LDR to begin with. Add to that the idea that you'll never move in or marry, then why would you continue such a relationship, even if it was really good? There's only one reason I can think of...she's your FWB and nothing more. So, when you want, you drive an hour, get yourself some and come home. I think I'd keep seeing a girl an hour away if that was the arrangement, especially if it was only once a week. I'd probably make it a Tuesday or something like that. But if you mean a traditional, "this is going somewhere one day" kind of relationship, then I guess you answered the question in the premise to the question. This is before I even get to the part where you're fighting and whatnot. Add that, and you should be hunting for some local company instead of posting on a board. C'mon man! You know the answer already! Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 There's an issue with your approach right here. You may see what happened as a little problem. But she obviously did not see it that way. By calling it a 'little problem' you're straight up dismissing her views and feelings. There's also the consideration that an issue may start as a little problem, but if the discussion issue ends up with one or both parties being very rude to each other - then the disagreement style itself becomes a significant problem. People don't leave established relationships over what they see as a "little problem".I think he meant that she turned a molehill into a mountain. So yours is one way to look at it. But if you'll consider for just a second, to him, it may very well have been a minor thing... he left the cap off the toothpaste, or he chucked her clothes into the fireplace and burned them because she leaves them lying on the floor. We just don't know what we might think of the problem, and if you think about that, you'll concede that you and I may disagree on how big of a problem it was. So it was not necessarily him dismissing her. I'd see it more like they found a huge mismatch in their ability to live together. This is an important finding, and how each of them handles it is far more important than trying to place blame. In each of the two extreme scenarios I proposed above, one of them thought it was nothing, the other a HUGE deal. There's no right or wrong. There's merely perception, and they found an incompatibility and dealt with it in a very healthy way. The one who couldn't stand it left. The one who thought it was nothing formed an unfavorable impression. As it should be. Why they'd continue on after that is anybody's guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpingiron34 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 i still have moments where i think about what if i ever got back with my ex down the road and its been 1 year broken up. But honestly at this point i basically dont even believe in reconciliation where as i use to think it was possible. Some times i still feel hope for her coming back but, then i think to myself what if she actually did? what the hell would i do? But she left me after 5 years hooked up with a dude a week later than a high school friend of mine and now has been in a relationship since. I still have moments where i think id be able to forgive her but, realistically how the hell on holy earth would i be able to. So, trusting her is long out the window with me and reconciling. I dont think i can trust any one who dumped me. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I have gone back a few times so I speak from experience. All you can do is set your boundaries and teach them how you expect to be treated. By doing this you risk losing them forever but that does not matter. It's only going to work if they come back on your terms so you just stick to your guns, set your boundaries and hold firm. It's understanding why recons are rare because you have a dumper who often cannot shake the reasons they dumped someone in the first place. And then you have the dumpee who builds a wall as high as the Great Wall of China expecting nothing less than your ex coming back on a white Unicorn and grovelling at your feet. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookies101 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 (edited) expecting nothing less than your ex coming back on a white Unicorn and grovelling at your feet. Lol, love the analogy. What do you think a DUMPER should do if they want to reconcile, or make contact? For me, i would expect an apology for 'how' she went about doing things, and then a statement of 'regret'. On these, we could build a foundation, but i doubt whether the two are going to happen, so i move on to the acceotance stage... Edited March 21, 2017 by Cookies101 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Lol, love the analogy. What do you think a DUMPER should do if they want to reconcile, or make contact? For me, i would expect an apology for 'how' she went about doing things, and then a statement of 'regret'. On these, we could build a foundation, but i doubt whether the two are going to happen, so i move on to the acceotance stage... Yes this is always the dilemma and I think what you described is close to the mark. Over at the second-chances forum, people suggest you look for a VULNERABILITY in their contact. If there is a vulnerability or some type of weakness shown, that's a very good indicator they are having genuine regrets. The problem still remains but because a lot of people are good at hiding their true emotions but as the dumpee, all you can do is just keep ignoring until some contact arrives with some vulnerability attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookies101 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 (edited) Yes, thank you marky00, you've re-minded me why i need to remain NC... I would respond to a casual 'hi, how are you', at this stage. But, only respond. Edited March 22, 2017 by Cookies101 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 OP, I ended things with my EX around a month ago, because her behaviour was getting quite bad towards me.. some rudness and disrespect. Why would you want to reconnect with someone who treated you like this? Never, ever, entertain someone who has rejected you either directly or indirectly. All you are doing is rewarding bad behaviour and invited a replay. Move on and look for better. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookies101 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 OP, Why would you want to reconnect with someone who treated you like this? Never, ever, entertain someone who has rejected you either directly or indirectly. All you are doing is rewarding bad behaviour and invited a replay. Move on and look for better. Well, maybe there is more to the story than is reported here. There usually is. If you can get down to the root causes of the bad behaviour, maybe there is a chsnce. If it was just bas behaviour per se, then there is no excuse for it. Anyway, back to topic: Would you ever trust a dumper again? And, why /why not? Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
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