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Leaving my cheating ex hurts like hell


AnotherNewBeginning

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AnotherNewBeginning

So, four days ago my wife, who had been 'working away' for three weeks, told me she no longer loved me and was seeing a man who works for same company at a branch 200miles away.

We've been married five years and she has been unfaithful, in varying degrees, at least three times when she has been drunk. I suspect the events I know of - because i ever either witnessed them or she confessed to them because other people threatened to tell me - are the tip of an iceberg of infidelity.

On those previous occasions she was full of remorse, begged me not to leave, promised she'd stop drinking to excess etc etc etc - and like a fool i relented, because i wanted this marriage to work and because I did not have the means to move out immediately. It should be noted she has on occasion continued to stay out all night partying when I've been home in bed exhausted.

I'll be honest, i like to party myself, but i know my limits and always remain in control.

Now she says she has realised she no longer loves me because she didn't miss me while she was away working (with the man she is sleeping with and has been, she says, for about two weeks)

She has shared custody of he teenage son, who goes to school 30 miles away because it's nearer his dad's and our former home. I take him to school and collect him from school because i work in that city. She won't be able to do that, due to work commitments so is effectively sacrficing shared custody by ending our marriage with her behaviour.

She has, for a long time, complained i don't 'make her feel special', because i don't lavish her with gifts or flowers. (For Christmas i got her tickets to a festival we love, in January i paid for us to have holiday in Morocco - and she was confessing her undying love to me as recently as six weeks ago).

I have now moved out and am sleeping on my friend's living room floor while i get finances sorted for my own place. Our marital home was accommodation linked to her work.

The love I had for her has turned into contempt. I know it was an unhealthy one-sided relationship for which i made a lot of Sacrifices. (I wouldn't go on work does because she was insanely jealous - because she judges me by her own standards) i know my life will, eventually, be better than it was with her., Even if it does mean i will effectively be NFA for several months while i save for a rental deposit.

I do not want her back and, aside from getting this all off my chest, and telling her exactly what i think of her (which I have done) want no further contact with her other than to arrange the collection of personal possessions i have not, at present, got room to store.

Yet it still hurts like hell and i cant eat or sleep. I know this will pass. It has only been four day. But Christ, this is so much harder than you'd think it would be.

Thanks for listening.

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Welcome aboard the pain train!! Wooo wooo. The next few months will be trying and painful and full of anger but realize one thing, this lady was toxic to say the least, and you are missing out on NOTHING!!

 

This is truly a case of better off without her and good riddance. Of course it's always difficult and grieving is necessary when a key person in your life disappears. However, again, this person was not good for you, so rely on that truth to get yourself through it.

Edited by teddyzain
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So, four days ago my wife, who had been 'working away' for three weeks, told me she no longer loved me and was seeing a man who works for same company at a branch 200miles away.

We've been married five years and she has been unfaithful, in varying degrees, at least three times when she has been drunk. I suspect the events I know of - because i ever either witnessed them or she confessed to them because other people threatened to tell me - are the tip of an iceberg of infidelity.

On those previous occasions she was full of remorse, begged me not to leave, promised she'd stop drinking to excess etc etc etc - and like a fool i relented, because i wanted this marriage to work and because I did not have the means to move out immediately. It should be noted she has on occasion continued to stay out all night partying when I've been home in bed exhausted.

I'll be honest, i like to party myself, but i know my limits and always remain in control.

Now she says she has realised she no longer loves me because she didn't miss me while she was away working (with the man she is sleeping with and has been, she says, for about two weeks)

She has shared custody of he teenage son, who goes to school 30 miles away because it's nearer his dad's and our former home. I take him to school and collect him from school because i work in that city. She won't be able to do that, due to work commitments so is effectively sacrficing shared custody by ending our marriage with her behaviour.

She has, for a long time, complained i don't 'make her feel special', because i don't lavish her with gifts or flowers. (For Christmas i got her tickets to a festival we love, in January i paid for us to have holiday in Morocco - and she was confessing her undying love to me as recently as six weeks ago).

I have now moved out and am sleeping on my friend's living room floor while i get finances sorted for my own place. Our marital home was accommodation linked to her work.

The love I had for her has turned into contempt. I know it was an unhealthy one-sided relationship for which i made a lot of Sacrifices. (I wouldn't go on work does because she was insanely jealous - because she judges me by her own standards) i know my life will, eventually, be better than it was with her., Even if it does mean i will effectively be NFA for several months while i save for a rental deposit.

I do not want her back and, aside from getting this all off my chest, and telling her exactly what i think of her (which I have done) want no further contact with her other than to arrange the collection of personal possessions i have not, at present, got room to store.

Yet it still hurts like hell and i cant eat or sleep. I know this will pass. It has only been four day. But Christ, this is so much harder than you'd think it would be.

Thanks for listening.

 

Been there dude. Ex cheated wth a friend of mine sell no friend now the pain was excruciating. 6 mths later I was fine because of the anger I felt towards bit of em yrs later it's a faded memory. Never ever I repeat take her back once a cheater always a cheater. I tried wth my ex and she kept going back to my ex after a mth of this itag was over for me. Glad I never looked back. Now another one 6 yr relationship ended about 6 mths ago just wen I though it cldnt get worse well it doesn't but it's close because I hav to work wth her lol. But oddly time truly does amazing things and I'm now string enough to at least find it manageable working in the same Co wen a mth ago all i cld think about was leaving but a good paying job so I stuck it out and glad I did. Hang in there it will get better 3 to 6 mths the pain willoyd subside feel the emotions for now betrayed is the worse kind of pain one can go thru. I didn't eat for weeks and lost so much weight but used that to my advantage because I race push bikes the power to weight ratio transformed my body and I had one of the best seasons in cycling I had ever had so let the pain just as it did me propel u to new goals u never though u cld ache lieve use the anger from the betrayal to make and shape a better future for u it can do that altho it may not seem that way at the moment. Just like me I n used that weight loss and turned it to my advantage. I went out on Super long rides sometimes 7 htmrs in a day loved it it helped me so much wth the pain I'd cry here and there while out riding and then be good again it was cathartic. I may not see it now but just u wait and see the positive that comes out of this horrible experience. I've never cheated and never will no matter how many times its been done to me with or 3 times now I think it's the lowest weakest act. They do it while in the security of a relationship it's deceitful and unholy. I'm sure she won't be proud at the dinner table wen asked how they met ;) some woman are a necessary evil

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You're married to an alcoholic. An alcoholic's brain chemistry is hosed even when their BAC is zero, that is, when they're "sober" in between bouts or binges. If a "normal" person ends up in someone else's bed when they get drunk, they decide that they're not going to get drunk. An alcoholic decides to get drunk anyway, and "Whoops! I fell onto a penis again!".

 

Anyone who gives up their own child for drinks and dick is no woman for you. There's nothing that YOU can do, lavishing gifts upon her or otherwise, which will overcome her alcohol-damaged brain.

 

She's someone else's drunken problem now, and yes, you'll feel bad, only because you're still emotionally attached to her. Actively detach, then look at her again from a relatively impartial point of view when you do, which will take months. You will see that she's junk, and be happy that you're not involved with that train wreck anymore.

 

The person that you love does not exist anymore, and the broken person that you're dealing with is unlovable. Your logic and your emotions have not synced up yet, but they will.

 

Hang in there. Better days are coming.

Edited by Grathblagg
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confusedone19
So, four days ago my wife, who had been 'working away' for three weeks, told me she no longer loved me and was seeing a man who works for same company at a branch 200miles away.

We've been married five years and she has been unfaithful, in varying degrees, at least three times when she has been drunk. I suspect the events I know of - because i ever either witnessed them or she confessed to them because other people threatened to tell me - are the tip of an iceberg of infidelity.

On those previous occasions she was full of remorse, begged me not to leave, promised she'd stop drinking to excess etc etc etc - and like a fool i relented, because i wanted this marriage to work and because I did not have the means to move out immediately. It should be noted she has on occasion continued to stay out all night partying when I've been home in bed exhausted.

I'll be honest, i like to party myself, but i know my limits and always remain in control.

Now she says she has realised she no longer loves me because she didn't miss me while she was away working (with the man she is sleeping with and has been, she says, for about two weeks)

She has shared custody of he teenage son, who goes to school 30 miles away because it's nearer his dad's and our former home. I take him to school and collect him from school because i work in that city. She won't be able to do that, due to work commitments so is effectively sacrficing shared custody by ending our marriage with her behaviour.

She has, for a long time, complained i don't 'make her feel special', because i don't lavish her with gifts or flowers. (For Christmas i got her tickets to a festival we love, in January i paid for us to have holiday in Morocco - and she was confessing her undying love to me as recently as six weeks ago).

I have now moved out and am sleeping on my friend's living room floor while i get finances sorted for my own place. Our marital home was accommodation linked to her work.

The love I had for her has turned into contempt. I know it was an unhealthy one-sided relationship for which i made a lot of Sacrifices. (I wouldn't go on work does because she was insanely jealous - because she judges me by her own standards) i know my life will, eventually, be better than it was with her., Even if it does mean i will effectively be NFA for several months while i save for a rental deposit.

I do not want her back and, aside from getting this all off my chest, and telling her exactly what i think of her (which I have done) want no further contact with her other than to arrange the collection of personal possessions i have not, at present, got room to store.

Yet it still hurts like hell and i cant eat or sleep. I know this will pass. It has only been four day. But Christ, this is so much harder than you'd think it would be.

Thanks for listening.

 

I have been in such a toxic relationship for over 5 years. It has been 3 weeks since it ended. All I can say is it will get better I am over the crying stage and very angry at the whole situation now. Guess time still have my sad moments best advise just try and keep busy.

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hindsight2021
So, four days ago my wife, who had been 'working away' for three weeks, told me she no longer loved me and was seeing a man who works for same company at a branch 200miles away.

We've been married five years and she has been unfaithful, in varying degrees, at least three times when she has been drunk. I suspect the events I know of - because i ever either witnessed them or she confessed to them because other people threatened to tell me - are the tip of an iceberg of infidelity.

On those previous occasions she was full of remorse, begged me not to leave, promised she'd stop drinking to excess etc etc etc - and like a fool i relented, because i wanted this marriage to work and because I did not have the means to move out immediately. It should be noted she has on occasion continued to stay out all night partying when I've been home in bed exhausted.

I'll be honest, i like to party myself, but i know my limits and always remain in control.

Now she says she has realised she no longer loves me because she didn't miss me while she was away working (with the man she is sleeping with and has been, she says, for about two weeks)

She has shared custody of he teenage son, who goes to school 30 miles away because it's nearer his dad's and our former home. I take him to school and collect him from school because i work in that city. She won't be able to do that, due to work commitments so is effectively sacrficing shared custody by ending our marriage with her behaviour.

She has, for a long time, complained i don't 'make her feel special', because i don't lavish her with gifts or flowers. (For Christmas i got her tickets to a festival we love, in January i paid for us to have holiday in Morocco - and she was confessing her undying love to me as recently as six weeks ago).

I have now moved out and am sleeping on my friend's living room floor while i get finances sorted for my own place. Our marital home was accommodation linked to her work.

The love I had for her has turned into contempt. I know it was an unhealthy one-sided relationship for which i made a lot of Sacrifices. (I wouldn't go on work does because she was insanely jealous - because she judges me by her own standards) i know my life will, eventually, be better than it was with her., Even if it does mean i will effectively be NFA for several months while i save for a rental deposit.

I do not want her back and, aside from getting this all off my chest, and telling her exactly what i think of her (which I have done) want no further contact with her other than to arrange the collection of personal possessions i have not, at present, got room to store.

Yet it still hurts like hell and i cant eat or sleep. I know this will pass. It has only been four day. But Christ, this is so much harder than you'd think it would be.

Thanks for listening.

 

Man, that really, really sucks. I have been in somewhat of a similar situation, except the woman wasn't an alcoholic and there were no children involved. She naturally just had this capacity to "forget" or "not realize" what she was doing. It was completely subconscious. And then there was the projection of her own actions onto other people... and things. Once we had a few drinks together, and she was laughing like crazy at the cat because she thought the cat was drunk. She was drunk. I asked her the next day if she really believed if the cat was drunk, and she said yes.

 

That is some of the most irrational projection I've ever witnessed in a person.

 

My point in bringing up projection is, as counterintuitive as it might be, your ex, who I will reinforce with everyone else here that she is an ALCOHOLIC and also cannot control her own impulses (very important to recognize this part), is that she might be projecting how SHE feels onto you so that YOU feel it. That might be partially why you feel so torn up emotionally, but intellectually you KNOW the deal and that she is no good.

 

I've been there with the cheating ex. I understand this emotion/intellect battle.

 

Not only do the emotions show you that you are good and empathetic guy, that sooooo many women would want and sooooo many guys don't have, but the fact that they aren't syncing up with your intellect about the situation, which takes times to do in itself, also shows me that maybe some of that intensity isn't your emotions.

 

For example. She feels insecure about herself, which is why she acts the way she does. Likely she also can't face this aspect of herself because it would make her vulnerable to feelings she is actively trying to avoid by drinking and having sex with another guy or whatever type of flirty behavior. Naturally, these actions are going to make YOU feel insecure about yourself. It would make any caring person feel insecure about themselves. But, it is because SHE feels insecure that she is doing them in the first place, and therefore subconsciously projecting those emotions onto, and into, you.

 

Thoughts like this helped me move on any time I got cheated on. Own your own emotions, but also recognize that some of the intensity is literally you feeling HER part of it that she is actively trying to avoid.

 

Its even more crazy and confusing when this stuff is being projected subconsciously when just interacting with everyday people. Sometimes our emotions are those of other people.

 

Simple example. Walk into a dark depressing bar. You might feel depressed. That is because there are a lot of depressing people in there in a depressing atmosphere. Of course if you are empathetic and compassionate you will also feel depressed.

 

This woman will never be happy or live the fulfilling life that she probably genuinely wants deep down inside herself, unless she faces all her inner shame that she is trying to avoid. It is really painful to watch people who you love do this to themselves.

 

Take time to focus on you. Know that all of what you are feeling isn't 100% your feelings, and that you are also taking responsibility for feelings SHE should be feeling (i.e. guilt, shame, sadness, etc etc). Easier said than done, I know...

 

It'll pass man. Just don't let it turn the love you've got for the world, and another woman in the future, ugly or judgemental.

 

Learn to notice warning signs from this experience early on, so it doesn't happen again.

 

Thank you for your post. It has reminded me of the warning signs I saw with my ex, and what could have happened had more time gone by and she "accidentally" cheated on me with someone to any degree because of drinking. She had a drinking problem too. And no matter how much she loved me, that drinking problem is who was driving her decision making once she hit a certain point with it.

 

Keep your head up. You were the one with integrity here.

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AnotherNewBeginning
Welcome aboard the pain train!! Wooo wooo. The next few months will be trying and painful and full of anger but realize one thing, this lady was toxic to say the least, and you are missing out on NOTHING!!

 

This is truly a case of better off without her and good riddance. Of course it's always difficult and grieving is necessary when a key person in your life disappears. However, again, this person was not good for you, so rely on that truth to get yourself through it.

 

Thanks Teddy.

Definitely better off and good riddance, and i know it will get easier. A friemd said to me today your grieve for that which you believed in, or wanted to believe in

So true. . It's the the 'death' of that belief and hope, however misguided, that screw with you.

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AnotherNewBeginning

That it does. I know that, and have known that for a long time. She is the one with major issues.

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AnotherNewBeginning

Yeah, been there with the betrayal with friend bs. My eldest is now 19. His mum has been married to my one time close friend for about a decade now. That double betrayal was the worst thing I've ever been through, especially as i was younger and had no clue how to deal with it. She too had been an unfaithful drunk who went on to have a full blown affair. I should have learned my lesson then.

That is the rational thing to learn and take with you, by them emotions get in the way.

No more. :)

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AnotherNewBeginning

Yeah, and that's something i have denied for too long. I've long said she has a drink problem, but it is more than that. It is an addiction.

And the way she has seemingly given absolutely no consideration to her son in this has been the clincher.

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AnotherNewBeginning

And yeah, i am happy I'm not with that 'train wreck' anymore. I've done all i can, but she won't help herself because she cannot control herself.

I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with my head. :)

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AnotherNewBeginning

Literally feel your pain. I think when relationships are that toxic, but are maintained for far longer than they should have been, you are so over-invested it almost makes it harder.

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AnotherNewBeginning
Man, that really, really sucks. I have been in somewhat of a similar situation, except the woman wasn't an alcoholic and there were no children involved. She naturally just had this capacity to "forget" or "not realize" what she was doing. It was completely subconscious. And then there was the projection of her own actions onto other people... and things. Once we had a few drinks together, and she was laughing like crazy at the cat because she thought the cat was drunk. She was drunk. I asked her the next day if she really believed if the cat was drunk, and she said yes.

 

That is some of the most irrational projection I've ever witnessed in a person.

 

My point in bringing up projection is, as counterintuitive as it might be, your ex, who I will reinforce with everyone else here that she is an ALCOHOLIC and also cannot control her own impulses (very important to recognize this part), is that she might be projecting how SHE feels onto you so that YOU feel it. That might be partially why you feel so torn up emotionally, but intellectually you KNOW the deal and that she is no good.

 

I've been there with the cheating ex. I understand this emotion/intellect battle.

 

Not only do the emotions show you that you are good and empathetic guy, that sooooo many women would want and sooooo many guys don't have, but the fact that they aren't syncing up with your intellect about the situation, which takes times to do in itself, also shows me that maybe some of that intensity isn't your emotions.

 

For example. She feels insecure about herself, which is why she acts the way she does. Likely she also can't face this aspect of herself because it would make her vulnerable to feelings she is actively trying to avoid by drinking and having sex with another guy or whatever type of flirty behavior. Naturally, these actions are going to make YOU feel insecure about yourself. It would make any caring person feel insecure about themselves. But, it is because SHE feels insecure that she is doing them in the first place, and therefore subconsciously projecting those emotions onto, and into, you.

 

Thoughts like this helped me move on any time I got cheated on. Own your own emotions, but also recognize that some of the intensity is literally you feeling HER part of it that she is actively trying to avoid.

 

Its even more crazy and confusing when this stuff is being projected subconsciously when just interacting with everyday people. Sometimes our emotions are those of other people.

 

Simple example. Walk into a dark depressing bar. You might feel depressed. That is because there are a lot of depressing people in there in a depressing atmosphere. Of course if you are empathetic and compassionate you will also feel depressed.

 

This woman will never be happy or live the fulfilling life that she probably genuinely wants deep down inside herself, unless she faces all her inner shame that she is trying to avoid. It is really painful to watch people who you love do this to themselves.

 

Take time to focus on you. Know that all of what you are feeling isn't 100% your feelings, and that you are also taking responsibility for feelings SHE should be feeling (i.e. guilt, shame, sadness, etc etc). Easier said than done, I know...

 

It'll pass man. Just don't let it turn the love you've got for the world, and another woman in the future, ugly or judgemental.

 

Learn to notice warning signs from this experience early on, so it doesn't happen again.

 

Thank you for your post. It has reminded me of the warning signs I saw with my ex, and what could have happened had more time gone by and she "accidentally" cheated on me with someone to any degree because of drinking. She had a drinking problem too. And no matter how much she loved me, that drinking problem is who was driving her decision making once she hit a certain point with it.

 

Keep your head up. You were the one with integrity here.

 

I'm a thinker. I rationalise everything. I probably over rationalise irrational behaviour and try to find a cause for it.

I've been fixated on her irrational behaviour and not mine.

Your post has helped me understand why my irrational feelings are there.

I can't thank you enough.. x

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hindsight2021
I'm a thinker. I rationalise everything. I probably over rationalise irrational behaviour and try to find a cause for it.

I've been fixated on her irrational behaviour and not mine.

Your post has helped me understand why my irrational feelings are there.

I can't thank you enough.. x

 

You are welcome my friend. The thing about projection is that we can only "take on" the feelings of others as our own, if those feelings existed in us in the first place. Its kind of shooting steroids into a seed of emotion inside you. The intensity of emotions you are feeling might be as little as 5% yours, 95% hers. They still exist in you, but the projecting person, consciously or unconsciously, is feeding the growth of that seed of emotion in you that already exists. The work for you is in figuring out whats up with that seed in the first place, I think. Or at least being aware that it exists and to what degree.

 

I hear you about being a thinking person and rationalizing things that are irrational. Giving people the benefit of the doubt, etc etc... ohhhh I get that.

 

All our strengths can be our weaknesses. Our weaknesses, strengths. It is a matter of inner balance and self awareness, and staying centered.

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AnotherNewBeginning
Inrealize you are unhappy, but I think she is doing you a big favor.

 

I've said the same. She has done me a massive favour by no longer abusing my kindness and asking me to forgive and forget. What i'm realising is all that bs does is transfer guilt. You're made to feel guilty for leaving someone that no one should stay with, so you end up staying.

I think that bs has been pulled on me so often, part of me still feels guilty when she's the one saying ' i don't love you, I'm seeing someone else.'

Amazing how devious the subconscious mind can be, because.

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I'm really sorry. You are well rid of her. She sounds selfish, greedy and thoughtless - oh and she's a serial cheater. She was lucky you loved her. Be proud that you were the decent one in this.

 

I know it must be really heartbreaking and it seems so unfair you are having to camp at friends' places. I am sure you will get your deposit and things will start to look up. You deserve so much better and you will find your way again.

 

The heartbreak will take longer but allow yourself to feel it. Cry, do whatever lets you get this out of your system. At least you know she is not worth trying for a reconciliation. You can't reconcile with a cheat.

 

I'm sorry you got involved before you found out about her true character. It's not your fault; she's the loser. You will go on to much better things and maybe feel more light-hearted in future knowing you don't have to watch your back in case she's cheating on you again.

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AnotherNewBeginning
I'm really sorry. You are well rid of her. She sounds selfish, greedy and thoughtless - oh and she's a serial cheater. She was lucky you loved her. Be proud that you were the decent one in this.

 

I know it must be really heartbreaking and it seems so unfair you are having to camp at friends' places. I am sure you will get your deposit and things will start to look up. You deserve so much better and you will find your way again.

 

The heartbreak will take longer but allow yourself to feel it. Cry, do whatever lets you get this out of your system. At least you know she is not worth trying for a reconciliation. You can't reconcile with a cheat.

 

I'm sorry you got involved before you found out about her true character. It's not your fault; she's the loser. You will go on to much better things and maybe feel more light-hearted in future knowing you don't have to watch your back in case she's cheating on you again.

 

Thanks Spider Owl. She is all those things - and needy, insecure and possessive to boot.

And yet I'm still struggling with it all. :(

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AnotherNewBeginning

Cracked and rang her today. Wanted to let her know how much pain i was in. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't give a **** and doesn't want to hear it.

On the plus side it brought my anger back.

More importantly, it made realise how over-invested i was in this relationship.

It was always me having to forgive, to be tolerant, to be understanding, to be giving her one last chance, to be giving the love. That's why i hurt so much and she doesn't - she didn't invest any of that into our relationship.

I'm now parked outside the flat about to collect whatever of my belongings i can fit into my car.

Whatever doesn't fit, will be left.

She's not there, thankfully.

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I'm sorry for your pain. Anger will help you to get through this. She wasn't the person you thought she was.

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AnotherNewBeginning
I'm sorry for your pain. Anger will help you to get through this. She wasn't the person you thought she was.

 

Yeah, it will. I knew she had a lot of issues and flaws, but i always thought she appreciated how much i done for her and put up with. I was wrong about that, and wrong about her. Hey ho. Life goes on and I'm better off without her in mine.

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