Want your Ex back? Read my Journey

[Scorpio7]

Hi All,

 

Apols for the length of this post. Having read threads on LS for a while now and it becoming a great source of strength for - it's now time for me to give something back.

 

This is my journey of growth from the horrific pain of a breakup...and how we ended up back in touch...and are now nearly back together.

 

There is no guaranteed way to get your ex back, but if you take something from what worked for me then this post is worthwhile. Also, what I did is more likely to work if there was genuine love in the relationship...and not cheating and abuse...the person is probably lost for good if this was the case and rightly so! Even so, I think what I learned to do can help anyone.

 

My Story:

Nearly two years ago I clapped my eyes on the girl who would ultimately end up being my girlfriend and then my ex girlfriend whilst at the gym. I loved the way she carried herself and how she communicated was different...I could just tell she was an amazing person.

 

Having checked her out on Facebook I could see she was with someone so out of respect I never made an effort to speak to her other than the odd 'Hello' when passing her at the gym (she works there as a Personal Trainer). Here's where things get complicated.

 

6months down the line she was single and we started speaking more and more and the guys I train with could tell she liked me. I approached her on Facebook and we messaged more and more until eventually she agreed to come on a date with me. I knew we would be together at that moment. I always wondered whether she had enough time to grieve the loss of her ex and if it would come back to haunt me but she was worth the risk and I wouldn't change going for it...always make yourself vulnerable for love no matter what. It's worth it!

 

For over a year the relationship was perfect, full of love and laughter. She was totally in love with me and we talked about kids one day, and marriage. She told me many times that she could never imagine being without out me and told me to never get bored of her and leave her.

 

I moved in with her as my landlord wanted to sell where I was living and a few months after that the relationship started to change. The spark started to run out and we just carried on...and didn't work on things like an adult couple should. A few things about me were bothering her but to be honest I never once thought we would ever split up and I became too content.

 

I put 2.5 stone of weight on...thought I've got the girl now, got the car, got money, got my own business. And I just let myself die...this affected the intimacy of our relationship and we started to drift and argue about stupid things. A week before our relationship ended she was telling me how much she loves me and never ever wants to me to leave her. I had no idea what was coming...

 

Then on Xmas Eve last after a stupid petty argument over a smoothie that was it...it was over. And despite my desperate begging and pleas I couldn't get her to change her mind and I was moving my stuff out to go back to my Mum on Xmas day. She said she loves me but is not in love with me and cant give me the love I need because her life is a mess and she needs space. She said we keep falling out and she can't cope with any negativity at the moment. I said we can fix this, we never communicated blah blah but she said she needed to be on her own. Completely devastated doesn't even come close....

 

Over the coming days she continued to message me checking if I was OK. At this point I had read about No Contact and decided it was my best chance of healing and hopefully getting her back. I told her that the door was open but we now needed to leave each other alone unless she changed her mind. She couldn't believe that I was just cutting her out of my life like that but I told her again that the door is always open for her and that I'm only respecting her wishes.

 

For a month I heard nothing. I used this time to hit the gym, read daily, meditate, get therapy and to reflect on the relationship to grow and become a better person for if she ever came back and more importantly for myself. I can say that the pain from the breakup turned me into a man...and I'm proud of how I became. I have never once changed my mind about being with her. Although I was always a loyal, loving, and supportive boyfriend I realize what I had was so special....I wish I never became so content in our relationship.

 

I put a status on Facebook stating that I had now lost 1.5stone and feel amazing again. This prompted my Ex to message me and she was just so cold...even using phrases that she doesn't normally use. It was like talking to a different person. She said it's such a shame it took for us to break up for me to work on myself and she seemed to sure of her decision still. I cut the conversation off and decided more no contact.

 

At this point I spoke to her sister for the first time who says that my ex is all over the place going out loads and that they wonder where the caring and loving version of her went. She said that everyone has told her that she has made a big mistake and that she will regret it. Also her sister told me that I'm too good for her at the moment and that she doesn't deserve me . Apparently she is being influenced by her friend at work (who she always used to slag off to me) and is out drinking lots at weekends which is the opposite of the person I know and love from the bottom of my heart.

 

Then comes Valentines day and a friend told me she saw her with a guy in the supermarket. I then went to my new gym and saw her friend who told me that she was seeing another guy and that all of her true friends were gutted with her actions...I acted calm but I drove home that night feeling completely broken inside....again

 

I knew it was a rebound as he was the opposite of what she normally likes, and that eventually when the excitement was gone...she would have to compare me against him on every level...and that me at my best beats anyone

 

I carried on regardless, pushing myself every day, I did double sessions at the gym, meditated, perfected my diet, went to therapy, prayed, and visualized having her back again. My energy levels were grounded again and I became balanced again. Told everyone it was only a matter of time..and I was quite open and bold about that...some people told me I had no chance.

 

Another 6 weeks or so went by and all of a sudden I got a text after the Haye boxing fight. This was a reach out...I knew it was starting to happen for me. Our text exchange was short, and I ended it which felt good. All of my work was going to be rewarded and I knew it was starting to happen from that moment

 

Anyway....here is where fate, the universe, god, or whatever you want to believe changed the game for me. I very nearly didn't go out on this drinking session and told myself that I wouldn't be going out for a while after. The chances of seeing her were so small....she never goes out where I was hardly ever...and she's since told me that it was only due to other cancellations that our paths crossed...amazing really!

 

She saw me, and crossed the road. We looked at each other across the road for a couple of seconds and carried on our way. My heart and jaw hit the floor and we went into a bar...I felt awful. Felt like I was being punished as I saw the guy with them in their group of mates...nearly messaged her a nasty text but thank god I didn't...it would of ruined everything

 

Later that that night I went in a bar and she was there...we looked at each other...nobody said anything but her eyes said everything. We went outside to talk, held hands, and she cried...admitted the text after the boxing was because she missed me. I talked with passion and told her that shes made a massive mistake and that she won't find anyone better. Told her that missed her so much and knew more than ever I wanted to look after her and raise a family. She looked up to the heavens with tears in her eyes and walked away. I knew she was torn but it felt like she was comfortable with her decision...she walked away and like an idiot I punched the wall and screamed in anguish....think the guys in the toilet were a bit freaked out :lmao:...I maybe should of remained cool and aloof but I'd had a drink and all of my emotion came out..bear that in mind....for me it worked

 

The next day, awful hangover and down in the dumps...I get a message at 5PM saying that seeing me has completely messed her head up. I celebrated that text...it was like a win for me. It signified to me that feelings were now coming back for me. I decided to go against the grain and send her the most loving message back as I knew she was struggling and it was time to cement my love for her in her mind whilst she was vulnerable and emotional.

 

She replied back saying she missed me and loved me...but that I would get over her and who knows what the future holds. Mixed signals! Not what you want. I asked her if she was sure she didn't want me 100% and she said she didn't know what she wants...I stopped texting. She said she knew how special I was and that nobody ever makes her laugh like me. I remained confident I would get her back.

 

Then the day after (last Sunday)...I get a text mid afternoon. She had met her sister that day (who loves me loads) and she felt her head had cleared. She said she knew she needed to see me again. I was very decisive and told her to let me take her out the next Saturday (yesterday)...she agreed

 

We then messaged each other all last week on Whatsapp. It was like the old days, leaving each other daft messages. Sending funny pics...a few times she told me she that she didn't want me to go to bed......WINNNNNNERRRR. I knew my journey was coming to an end and that my hardwork was about to be rewarded.

 

I had to get a talk about the other guy over with and wanted her full honesty. To be honest this part was quite awkward for us both but I needed to know. He was a complete rebound and a distraction from our breakup...she says now that she has no idea what she was doing and that he was so far from what she normally likes. She told me she was going to break it with him but didn't know how...she was they were never together but he told her she was in love with her and keeps turning up at her house randomly. He knew that seeing me had deeply affected her and reacted in exactly the opposite way that he should of...which I knew was to my advantage. He was being desperate and needy and from everything I had learned on LS...I knew I was winning as he was doing the opposite of what he should of been!

 

Yesterday we met up and it was truly amazing. I spent a load of money on flowers and went around her house. It was like we had seen each other for the first time! I knew I needed to be positive and make her laugh...which I did all day. She told me she was so proud of the work I'd done, looked amazing. I could see by her eyes that I'd re attracted her.

 

Later that afternoon I recieved a picture of the flowes with this message:

 

"Beautiful! This is gonna sound so cheesey but it was like looking at you again for the first time (if that makes sense?). I am honestly blown away by everything you have done to better yourself and you have inspired me to better myself. Thank you for today, I love spending time with you and laughing..I know how great you are Steve, there aren't many people like you. I can trust you with my life and know you will always love me and care for me"

 

Can you believe that for a turn around? She is now asking me when when we are going for a date...and wants to meet me for a coffee. We are going to take everything slow and learn from our mistakes and increase our communication....BUT ITS LOOKING GOOD!:D:D:D

 

Morals of the story (for me):

- It's so painful, take a few days....feel that pain in your very being

 

- Let your ex know you respect their decision, dont beg and plead for too long and leave them in no doubt that the door is open if they change your mind. Leave them in no doubt about your feelings and then walk away!

 

- No contact no matter what, no grand gestures. Stay strong, its the only chance you have. It's hard...but the harder it is and the more you grit your teeth and do it...the be more you get rewarded! Let them feel the consequences of their decision and start to miss you...this is KEY! if your messaging the ex you are giving them the best of everything

 

- Make a commitment to yourself to use your pain to become the strongest version of yourself...mentally, physically, and spiritually

 

- Get into a gym, eat well, and drink water water water (I have a gallon lol). Your body will start to change and if you look after it your mind will follow and your pain will be turned into determination

 

- Find out about yourself, reflect on the relationship...did you cause some o the issues? Could they haunt you again? Read, read, and read again and do your best to iron out your weaknesses

 

- I began to relish the breakup...amazing eh? This is your chance to reinvent yourself and be the person your ex or someone else can really grow with

 

- Meditate - you need your mind healthy through this time, and your energy grounded. Learn how to breath properly! All of your stress can be lifted by this

 

- Don't obsess about your ex too much (I found this hard)...if they don't come back...someone else will (believe me)

 

All 3 of my exes have come back...yours can too. My ex said she missed me every day and that her feelings started to change the longer it went,seeing me and my changes tipped her over the edge haha. Time in itself and time apart can change feelings...how they feel now can change if you do the right things

 

This isn't intended to give anyone false hope...this is my journey Maybe your ex won't come back..but all the things I did can help you regardless!

 

Hope this has helped someone! Get inspired and get to work!

 

Done

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

And how long was it from the point of break up to reuniting properly? How long were you no contact? Apologies if you've said on the thread, I read it earlier and have come back to it.

[marky00]

Time will tell.......

 

 

Not wanting to rain on your parade but I think this would be more promising if you had remained full NC the whole time and she contacted you when she was totally ready after a very long time, like 6 - 12 months or more.

 

 

I just feel like you did get involved in some of the dramas that unfolded, including the potential demise of her new relationship. You were also keeping tabs on her via information you gained from common friends etc.

 

 

To fully experience the maximum pain would have meant full NC and reaching acceptance that you would probably never be together again. That is the time when you have fully transformed into the best version of yourself.

 

 

You didn't truly experience losing her because like you said yourself, you knew she would come back at some point. That means, as far as your concerned, you going back to an old relationship, and that mindset never works long-term.

 

 

She isn't entering things with the same mindset as you because she did totally detach and would still be gone if the new guy worked out better.

 

 

I also feel like she has been able to get back reasonably easy given what happened. It's not enough time for her to change and to full learn the consequences of her actions.

 

 

You also mentioned you punched the wall which indicates your still heavily invested even before the relationship has reformed. That will be and issue if she picks up on that and its going to be tiring for you to "act" by not showing anything that bothers you.

 

 

Anyway, I do wish you luck with it.

[Scorpio7]

We split up Xmas Eve last year

 

And although we aren't back together yet, I think it will happen very soon. Yesterday was our 1st date so to speak

 

So it's basically 3months

[spiderowl]

I really hope it works out for you. What bothers me is that you had to work on your body before she accepted you. She just seems shallow.

[mikeylo]

Many times its possible to get back together with an ex. Most people are either stuck in ego to accept their faults or someone doesnt have it in them to forgive.Also, the reason of break up is very important.

[spiderowl]

Looking at it from another point of view, we hear so often of people who never get over their exs, who are forever 'on the rebound' and waiting to get back with their ex. Assuming some of those do end up back with their exs, it just shows that the bonds that draw people together in the first place are not always so easy to shrug off. I wish we had stats on how many couples do reunite and go on to have a lasting relationship.

[SevenCity]

I'm happy for you and hope it works out. That said, has SHE changed at all? It sounds like you made a transformation as a result of the breakup and all she did was get into a rebound that inevitably didn't work out.

 

It takes two people to break up and two to get back together. I worry she's back because she didn't find someone better, not because she realized her part in the split.

[SevenCity]

Time will tell.......

 

 

Not wanting to rain on your parade but I think this would be more promising if you had remained full NC the whole time and she contacted you when she was totally ready after a very long time, like 6 - 12 months or more.

 

I just feel like you did get involved in some of the dramas that unfolded, including the potential demise of her new relationship. You were also keeping tabs on her via information you gained from common friends etc.

 

 

To fully experience the maximum pain would have meant full NC and reaching acceptance that you would probably never be together again. That is the time when you have fully transformed into the best version of yourself.

 

 

You didn't truly experience losing her because like you said yourself, you knew she would come back at some point. That means, as far as your concerned, you going back to an old relationship, and that mindset never works long-term.

 

 

She isn't entering things with the same mindset as you because she did totally detach and would still be gone if the new guy worked out better.

 

 

I also feel like she has been able to get back reasonably easy given what happened. It's not enough time for her to change and to full learn the consequences of her actions.

 

 

You also mentioned you punched the wall which indicates your still heavily invested even before the relationship has reformed. That will be and issue if she picks up on that and its going to be tiring for you to "act" by not showing anything that bothers you.

 

 

Anyway, I do wish you luck with it.

 

I see this a lot here - can you explain the philosphy? I can see 6 months but after a year and all the recovery I can't imagine wanting to go back to an ex.

[mikeylo]

FWIW, i've noticed that on/off relationships , break up / make up relationships ,usually end up long lasting.The bond keeps getting stronger with each break up/ make up. Its kind of two people getting to know each other in a twisted way !

[spiderowl]

FWIW, i've noticed that on/off relationships , break up / make up relationships ,usually end up long lasting.The bond keeps getting stronger with each break up/ make up. Its kind of two people getting to know each other in a twisted way !

 

You know, I think there is definitely something in that. There is something that keeps pulling people together and then maybe a lack of trust over some issue that pushes them apart. Then they miss each other and end up back together. The very fact that they have come back together does show some underlying strength in the bond and maybe growing trust that they made it through what seemed like a major break-up. These kinds of relationships may work out, even if it is very volatile for some reason.

[mikeylo]

You know, I think there is definitely something in that. There is something that keeps pulling people together and then maybe a lack of trust over some issue that pushes them apart. Then they miss each other and end up back together. The very fact that they have come back together does show some underlying strength in the bond and maybe growing trust that they made it through what seemed like a major break-up. These kinds of relationships may work out, even if it is very volatile for some reason.

 

It could also be when two opposite personalities fall for each other and obviously they are bound to have much more issues than others.While their views etc may vary ( break up )but their core values and goals are identical ( the pull , make up ).

 

Maybe the soulmate /twin flame connection ! Dunno:cool:

[marky00]

I see this a lot here - can you explain the philosphy? I can see 6 months but after a year and all the recovery I can't imagine wanting to go back to an ex.

 

You not going back to an ex as a dumpee or dumper.

 

 

Your re-connecting with someone you once loved or was attracted to but u re-unite as equals.

 

 

Most importantly that amount of time is needed to equalise things and ensure the dumper has changed as well.

 

 

Whether the dumpee wants to do that is another thing altogether.

Edited March 19, 2017 by marky00

[Scorpio7]

Time will tell.......

 

 

Not wanting to rain on your parade but I think this would be more promising if you had remained full NC the whole time and she contacted you when she was totally ready after a very long time, like 6 - 12 months or more.

 

 

I just feel like you did get involved in some of the dramas that unfolded, including the potential demise of her new relationship. You were also keeping tabs on her via information you gained from common friends etc.

 

 

To fully experience the maximum pain would have meant full NC and reaching acceptance that you would probably never be together again. That is the time when you have fully transformed into the best version of yourself.

 

 

You didn't truly experience losing her because like you said yourself, you knew she would come back at some point. That means, as far as your concerned, you going back to an old relationship, and that mindset never works long-term.

 

 

She isn't entering things with the same mindset as you because she did totally detach and would still be gone if the new guy worked out better.

 

 

I also feel like she has been able to get back reasonably easy given what happened. It's not enough time for her to change and to full learn the consequences of her actions.

 

 

You also mentioned you punched the wall which indicates your still heavily invested even before the relationship has reformed. That will be and issue if she picks up on that and its going to be tiring for you to "act" by not showing anything that bothers you.

 

 

Anyway, I do wish you luck with it.

 

I take on board your opinion and who knows...you may be right.

 

I'm really not going back to the old relationship though so disagree there. We've discussed things to put in place within the NEW relationship to stop the same problems happening. This is what mature adults do...communication is massive.

 

And I only ever knew I was going to get back with her because I believe that hard work gets rewarded....its my mindset. She wasn't in a relationship with the other chap...merely 'dating'...well thats what she tells me anyway :lmao:

[Scorpio7]

I really hope it works out for you. What bothers me is that you had to work on your body before she accepted you. She just seems shallow.

 

Me putting the weight on caused major problems...I became unhappy, a slob and lazy...when I started to get a gut she told me she would fancy me no matter what

 

She loves the way I look now, there is no doubt about that...I think the fact I was a man despite the pain and worked so hard on myself is what has impressed her the most

 

She's deffo not shallow though trust me

[Scorpio7]

I'm happy for you and hope it works out. That said, has SHE changed at all? It sounds like you made a transformation as a result of the breakup and all she did was get into a rebound that inevitably didn't work out.

 

It takes two people to break up and two to get back together. I worry she's back because she didn't find someone better, not because she realized her part in the split.

 

Thank you friend.

 

In terms of her changes, she said she wishes that she had worked on herself as hard as I have...she has acknowledged that she has growing to do and that I've inspired her to do it

 

And trust me she can have her pick of men. She's a personal trainer and gets a lot of attention. Since our split it sounds like a lot of people have tried to woo her!

[marky00]

The other reason why more time tends to be preferred is because if a dumper is willing to come back a year or more later, that is more likely to be of a genuine reason.

 

 

At that stage, things like guilt and ego are going to be less of a factor if both parties have been full NC.

 

 

I guess you could say that extensive amount of silence weeds out the wrong reasons for trying again, thus leading to better odds of history not repeating itself.

[SevenCity]

Thank you friend.

 

In terms of her changes, she said she wishes that she had worked on herself as hard as I have...she has acknowledged that she has growing to do and that I've inspired her to do it

 

And trust me she can have her pick of men. She's a personal trainer and gets a lot of attention. Since our split it sounds like a lot of people have tried to woo her!

 

Best of luck to you. For a long time I thought my ex would come back and it wasn't until I realized she wasn't that I started to heal. It's been about 7 months now.

 

I had to let go of that hope to love forward. If she ever comes back I'm sure it will be once it's too late.

 

Hopefully her lack of change won't impede your reconciliation.

[SevenCity]

The other reason why more time tends to be preferred is because if a dumper is willing to come back a year or more later, that is more likely to be of a genuine reason.

 

 

At that stage, things like guilt and ego are going to be less of a factor if both parties have been full NC.

 

 

I guess you could say that extensive amount of silence weeds out the wrong reasons for trying again, thus leading to better odds of history not repeating itself.

 

That makes sense. Though I'm a believer that there is a limited time to come back - a year is just too late. I can't imagine not having found someone else by then.

[Goodguy05]

Congrats and thanks for sharing u can definately see some similarities to mine ie the going out drinking the work friend same here. The i live u but I'm not in love wth u. Ours has been officially just over 3 mths but we broke up mor like 6 mths ago. We work together and on let me tell u only until recently it had been very challengine. In my case tho I've stopped wanting her back at 1st I did never begged or pleadedicated but just found out too much stuff that hurt and each time I got hurt I let go slowly now to the point it's almost gone for me i had to to survive. And I guess in my case upon reflecting we were together 6 yrs and just the baggage she came wth I can see how hard it made things and particularly for me

Funny that I'm almost at that point where I've let go and loved on and not wanting that her. And even if she did lots has happenned not on my end but hers that caused a lot of pain to me.