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GF of 6 years says she needs to find herself!


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HereWeGo_001

Hello everyone, I'm new here and just trying to get some opinions and a better understanding of my current situation.

 

My gf and I started dating when she was 22 and I was 21. We met in college. Both graduated shortly after. She had 1 serious relationship before that. She was in a horrible 4 year relationship since she was 16 up until she turned 20. I never had any real serious relationship. My longest relationship was maybe 2 months.

 

It's been 6 years since we've dated. Everything has been great. No major arguments or fights. Never broken up or asked for time off. We've done some traveling together and it's been amazing.

 

She's 28 now and I'm 27. We don't live together but we do spend a lot of time together. We have the same work commute/schedule. She believes in moving out once she's married. So that was actually part of my future plans within the next year or so. We discussed about the new adventures and experiences moving in together would bring for the both us.

 

Recently she's experienced a lot of issues like anxiety and depression due to her job. She hates her job and it's affecting her mood and most of all our relationship.

 

She's also experienced some family issues and problems. She comes from a single parent who she lives with. Her mother is already up in age so it's not like she is going to leave her behind. But family issues get to the mother which then get to my gf since she's the one living with the mother. I think she's having a quarter life crisis and it sucks.

 

Point is she says she loves me but she needs time for herself. She needs to find herself. Needs time to change jobs. She needs to fix her financial situation because she's is a hole with debt and an old car that always breaks down. She's tired of the same routine: Traffic. Work. Gym. Errands.

 

I've tried doing different things like movies, hiking and more relaxed activities on weekends to help with her stress and depression but it seems it hasn't helped much. I want to start helping her get going with her job search but she thinks it's easy to change jobs. I know first hand how difficult and stressful the job market is but I don't want to bring more negativity into her life. This really sucks because it makes me feel really bad. I'm at the point where I'm trying to help her but I don't want to cause additional stress and pressure to the point where she ends our relationship. We have a few trips planned for later this year but I really don't know how to react to all this? I don't want to disappear but at the same time I don't want to cause additional stress and pressure. We mainly have the same mutual friends. She's not the type to go out bars and clubs. She's always preferred to do more relaxing activities and travel.

 

I appreciate any help you guys can offer. It really sucks because I care so much for her and she's the one I pictured myself getting married to and having kids. I'm just confused and scared that she's slowly going to end our relationship. Is she bored of our relationship? Did she find someone new? Or is all this because of her job?

 

 

Thank you

Edited by HereWeGo_001
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Brother,

 

This is my story as well. My relationship is not as long as yours though. When my ex said she needs time to herself and cannot be in a committed relationship until she improve her situation (career, family, goals, etc.), I just knew. She just no longer wants to be in a relationship with me, since I am no longer considered a priority.

 

The saying "I just want to find myself" is just an easy way of saying, I just want to be alone away from you. Best thing to do is give her space. When a girl utters those words, she has probably been thinking about it for weeks, if not months. My ex even told me she has been thinking about it for 3 weeks before the official breakup. There is nothing we can do, and I and you as well should never beg. Go no contact and move on. It sounds hard but we have to do it your our self.

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Point is she says she loves me but she needs time for herself. She needs to find herself. Needs time to change jobs. She needs to fix her financial situation because she's is a hole with debt and an old car that always breaks down. She's tired of the same routine: Traffic. Work. Gym. Errands.

 

Breaking up will not fix any of these things that she is describing. Either she has unspoken feelings of obligations to her mother or she has grown weary of the relationship or both. I would personally tell (one time and one time only) that you love her and this is not your wish but will respect her decision. That you will be working on yourself, your life and moving forward and thank her for the 6 years you have had together. Let her be and do not beg or even ask for a second chance here.....my guess is she thinks this will improve her quality of life and begging and asking will add to the stress she already feels and thus confirm that she is doing the right thing. Give her a hug and wish her the best in life. If she returns and you are single, then great if not you're focused on your well being.

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HereWeGo_001

Damn, so just like that? Forget about it? Don't even bother helping her out with her job search? Maybe if she finds a new job she will be her old self again?

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HereWeGo_001
Point is she says she loves me but she needs time for herself. She needs to find herself. Needs time to change jobs. She needs to fix her financial situation because she's is a hole with debt and an old car that always breaks down. She's tired of the same routine: Traffic. Work. Gym. Errands.

 

Breaking up will not fix any of these things that she is describing. Either she has unspoken feelings of obligations to her mother or she has grown weary of the relationship or both. I would personally tell (one time and one time only) that you love her and this is not your wish but will respect her decision. That you will be working on yourself, your life and moving forward and thank her for the 6 years you have had together. Let her be and do not beg or even ask for a second chance here.....my guess is she thinks this will improve her quality of life and begging and asking will add to the stress she already feels and thus confirm that she is doing the right thing. Give her a hug and wish her the best in life. If she returns and you are single, then great if not you're focused on your well being.

 

 

Damn, just like that? Helping her find a new job won't help the situation?

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This is you first serious relationship and this isn't going to be easy. You're going to have problems not wanting to contact her and try to help her. The problem is that she doesn't want your help. If she really wanted this relationship she would come to you and have you two work together to get through this time in her life....still maintaining the relationship. Young, long term relationships now a days do not stand a great chance of leading to being married and living happily ever after unfortunately.

 

This is what I see and notice what I have added at the end

 

"Point is she says she loves (probably, but not "in love" with you anymore) me but she needs time for herself (One of the more popular let down excuses in the book, but also can be true, but without you). She needs to find herself. Needs time to change jobs (could be done with you both together). She needs to fix her financial situation because she's is a hole with debt and an old car that always breaks down (again, could be done with you both together). She's tired of the same routine: Traffic. Work. Gym. Errands. and YOU.

 

She wants a complete change and go in an other direction. Unfortunately I don't see that with you in it. Please don't try to be her knight in shining armor. She doesn't want or need you to do that. I'd let her know one last time that the issues she describes you will work with her to get past and that you want to do that while continuing in the relationship, but if she does not want that, then don't settle for anything else. Needing space and or time is the same thing as a break up. You work through issues while still in the relationship, not once out of it. Don't try to force things. Think about this, she is willing to let you walk and take a chance of losing you forever.

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Damn, just like that? Helping her find a new job won't help the situation?

 

Sorry to say but no...you can't live her life for her....more than likely she wants to change her scenery, her perspective every day when she wakes up and has something new to face...not so much as a new guy but a completely new view of her new world....this may or may not be a temporary fix, but temporary is all she's going to accomplish. It doesn't sound as though she's learned to flourish where she is so she is trying to change all that....

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Listen to me.

 

If she hasn't ended things yet, YOU END IT TODAY. DUMP HER TODAY.

 

This relationship for the moment is over, it's irrecoverable. Her feelings are gone, her attraction is gone, she doesn't want to sleep with you anymore and is just dragging out the inevitable because she's scared of the consequences of ending it. But she will end it. Within the next few weeks at most.

 

There's no fixing this. Dump her. I'm begging you through my computer screen. Once those feelings start creeping in, it's over. They just get worse. They never improve. Doubts about her attraction to you and investment in your relationship grow exponentially, they never diminish.

 

The longer you stay passive and indecisive she will resent you even more. Right now you look pathetic staying with her knowing she doesn't want to be with you. If you dump her, it's the hail mary recollection of your testicles and you can salvage your dignity and self respect. It will increase your value in her eyes and restore some attraction. You dump her and say "This isn't working, I don't want this I'm sorry". There's a bit of mind-gaming going on here but that's fine.

 

Walk away and start No Contact immediately. Please listen to me. I know this goes against every fiber in your body but please just dump her and walk away. If you don't, you'll regret it more than anything when you've lost her for good after she dumps you and your dignity is gone at the same time.

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Damn, just like that? Helping her find a new job won't help the situation?

 

She says she needs time to herself, so I do not think sticking around and assisting with a job search is helpful to either of you. She's is an adult; I think you should allow her the space to find her own job - to "find herself" as she says. You don't break up with someone you love because you need a new job, are stressed out over life circumstances or to go off to find yourself. Times like that come and go in just about every relationship. She is looking to be free.

 

I think you should brace yourself, as it sounds like she is shutting down and a breakup is nigh. Hanging on tight will not help your situation. She may be wondering what else is out there.

 

Tell her you respect her decision and you are going to give her all the space she needs. Sorry...many of us have been where you are right now. The worst thing you can do it turn into a smothering, please let me fix it, clingy boyfriend. Easier said than done, I know.

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foofightingguy

Very similar to my situation.

 

Working it out together is of course the ideal situation.

However, not everyone thinks like that. It could be that she is not in love with you anymore, or it could be that people like that just need to figure it out themselves.

 

Let them go, figure it out, if they come back in the future, great!

If not, it wasn't meant to be anyways, don't try to keep them.

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HereWeGo_001
This is you first serious relationship and this isn't going to be easy. You're going to have problems not wanting to contact her and try to help her. The problem is that she doesn't want your help. If she really wanted this relationship she would come to you and have you two work together to get through this time in her life....still maintaining the relationship. Young, long term relationships now a days do not stand a great chance of leading to being married and living happily ever after unfortunately.

 

This is what I see and notice what I have added at the end

 

"Point is she says she loves (probably, but not "in love" with you anymore) me but she needs time for herself (One of the more popular let down excuses in the book, but also can be true, but without you). She needs to find herself. Needs time to change jobs (could be done with you both together). She needs to fix her financial situation because she's is a hole with debt and an old car that always breaks down (again, could be done with you both together). She's tired of the same routine: Traffic. Work. Gym. Errands. and YOU.

 

She wants a complete change and go in an other direction. Unfortunately I don't see that with you in it. Please don't try to be her knight in shining armor. She doesn't want or need you to do that. I'd let her know one last time that the issues she describes you will work with her to get past and that you want to do that while continuing in the relationship, but if she does not want that, then don't settle for anything else. Needing space and or time is the same thing as a break up. You work through issues while still in the relationship, not once out of it. Don't try to force things. Think about this, she is willing to let you walk and take a chance of losing you forever.

 

 

 

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it. And you're right, these issues can be worked on together. I just feel that the anxiety and depression has her all confused and lost.

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Would she dump Cristiano Ronaldo or Brad Pitt, who were banging her brains out every night and treating her like a woman, keeping her excited, on her toes and invested in them, obsessed with them, because she felt "anxious" or "stressed"? No. Never. Not even if one of these guys killed her cat.

 

Her depression and anxiety is almost definitely stemming from her struggling to come to terms with not being invested in your relationship anymore and knowing it has to end. She doesn't know how to handle not feeling it for you anymore, she's sad, angry, confused and that's messing her up. She knows it has to end and THAT is what's making her depressed and anxious. Not her job, nothing else. It's the weight on her mind knowing her relationship is over and she can't make herself feel the way she used to feel about you anymore. The light has gone out.

 

All relationships are the same and all breakups are the same. There's no special exception. A relationship ends when the sexual chemistry that brought you together is gone.

 

I'll leave this thread after this post because you don't want to face reality and you're going to pay for it brutally.

 

She isn't attracted to you anymore. That doesn't mean she never will be again, it means right now, she is not invested in you. She doesn't care anymore. There's no "working together" or "working through" anything, find your balls, realize she's not into you anymore and leave.

 

I promise you if you end things you will hold onto your dignity, her attraction for you will slowly come back after time and you may have another shot with her, if that's what you want. If you ignore my advice you'll be back here, feeling like complete garbage and re-reading my posts wishing you could turn the clock back while she's out, knowing you're at home broken and thinking about her, and enjoying herself with new men.

 

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do

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Hunk..you're savage lol. Your advice is all correct too..just so hard to do for most people including myself. I'm learning though haha

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Hunk..you're savage lol. Your advice is all correct too..just so hard to do for most people including myself. I'm learning though haha

 

This is all advice I wish people had given me years ago, instead of sugarcoating and trying to spare my feelings, and it's advice that has completely changed my life for the better and changed me into a person I'm proud of. Relationships aren't mystical and mysterious, there's reasons for everything and they're usually very simple, we just don't see them in front of us. Keep learning and listening.

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ExpatInItaly

Sorry to hear this, OP.

 

No, you shouldn't help her search for a job. That's not what she wants, which was stated pretty clearly when she said she wants time on her own. If she wanted your help, she wouldn't have asked for space. Other posters are right when they say she's probably been thinking about this for a while and was trying to find the least painful way to tell you.

 

Even if she is suffering from depression, it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't capable of making a big decision like this. She might be down in the dumps but still know she can't continue the relationship at this time. Ultimately, she knows what's best for her, and her heart and mind are saying she can't maintain the relationship.

 

It will hurt but it's better not to try to hang on to something when one party doesn't want to be there. Most of us have been in your shoes at some point and can speak from experience on that.

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HereWeGo_001
Sorry to hear this, OP.

 

No, you shouldn't help her search for a job. That's not what she wants, which was stated pretty clearly when she said she wants time on her own. If she wanted your help, she wouldn't have asked for space. Other posters are right when they say she's probably been thinking about this for a while and was trying to find the least painful way to tell you.

 

Even if she is suffering from depression, it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't capable of making a big decision like this. She might be down in the dumps but still know she can't continue the relationship at this time. Ultimately, she knows what's best for her, and her heart and mind are saying she can't maintain the relationship.

 

It will hurt but it's better not to try to hang on to something when one party doesn't want to be there. Most of us have been in your shoes at some point and can speak from experience on that.

 

 

 

Thanks for your feedback

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Would she dump Cristiano Ronaldo or Brad Pitt, who were banging her brains out every night and treating her like a woman, keeping her excited, on her toes and invested in them, obsessed with them, because she felt "anxious" or "stressed"? No. Never. Not even if one of these guys killed her cat.

 

Her depression and anxiety is almost definitely stemming from her struggling to come to terms with not being invested in your relationship anymore and knowing it has to end. She doesn't know how to handle not feeling it for you anymore, she's sad, angry, confused and that's messing her up. She knows it has to end and THAT is what's making her depressed and anxious. Not her job, nothing else. It's the weight on her mind knowing her relationship is over and she can't make herself feel the way she used to feel about you anymore. The light has gone out.

 

All relationships are the same and all breakups are the same. There's no special exception. A relationship ends when the sexual chemistry that brought you together is gone.

 

I'll leave this thread after this post because you don't want to face reality and you're going to pay for it brutally.

 

She isn't attracted to you anymore. That doesn't mean she never will be again, it means right now, she is not invested in you. She doesn't care anymore. There's no "working together" or "working through" anything, find your balls, realize she's not into you anymore and leave.

 

I promise you if you end things you will hold onto your dignity, her attraction for you will slowly come back after time and you may have another shot with her, if that's what you want. If you ignore my advice you'll be back here, feeling like complete garbage and re-reading my posts wishing you could turn the clock back while she's out, knowing you're at home broken and thinking about her, and enjoying herself with new men.

 

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do

 

While this is almost all true, I bolded the above which was not my experience in my last breakup.

 

My ex gave me a bj and we nearly had sex on the day she moved out (we only didn't because I thought it would be a bad idea) and we were fooling around the entire day. She dumped me.

 

Yet, the rest of it rings true. Once they get these ideas in their head there is no turning back. However, this can also happen even if there is sexual chemistry (though that usually is gone - this was a new mind FK for me).

 

Once they get these feelings in their head it's over - almost always forever.

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yeh, hunk's blanket statement isn't always the case.

 

 

1 year after my BU, me and my ex met at a holiday resort. I guess we both had our reasons but I knew deep down she wasn't coming back.

 

 

The sex was totally there and it was pretty good.

 

 

I'd actually argue the point that sex with an ex can actually get better once all the emotional crap and promises and plans are tossed to one side.

 

 

It's just that due to the lack of emotional feelings, no matter how good the sex, it's only going to be a temporary thing.

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Im just curious, why have you been dating for 6 years, and you havent asked her to marry you? Maybe she feels there is just no future with you.

 

Or I could be wrong. But I dont know many women who would just want to date a guy for 6 years.

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She is moving an orbiter into the mainstream and wants him.....

 

Time to go NC and never speak to her again...

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Seven, yes I've seen that happen before. Couples who keep sleeping with each other, however the woman has emotionally checked out. She will keep sleeping with you because obviously she likes sex and is horny and enjoys the feeling of being desired by you, and this actually allows her to emotionally detach even further because it reinforces her lack of investment in you (she's able to compartmentalize sex and you as two different entities rather than the natural state of things which should be her associating sex with her emotional feelings for you)

 

So on one hand you've got men who are dumped because their woman is comfortable with their emotional/personality compatibility but just not interested in sleeping with them anymore due to his behavior, and on the other hand you've got guys who are dumped because the woman has realized the man is fundamentally incompatible with her personality, she's still horny and attracted to him but she's comfortable in knowing he still desires her but that's not enough to trump the lack of deep personal investment/character bonding she didn't feel with you. So she's able to sleep with you with almost zero feelings because in her mind she doesn't equate your relationship with exclusive sex anymore, it's just sex for what it is.

 

Why did she dump you?

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lionlover1973

All relationships are the same and all breakups are the same. There's no special exception. A relationship ends when the sexual chemistry that brought you together is gone.

 

No, 'not' all the same.

 

Perhaps you would benefit from a course on psychology.

 

OP, here are some of the reasons why a relationship 'fails' which may apply (or not) to your situation:

3. Moving Through Life at Different Speeds

 

When one partner is learning and growing at a rapid pace, while the other is stagnating, this may be a source of relational divergence. One example of this would be a partner advancing quickly in her career and society, while her significant other is stagnating at home.

 

The professional and social circles of the couple begin to diverge, and soon the couple themselves differentiate. They have physically, intellectually, and socially grown apart. Read more.

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