Jump to content

Dumper want my ex back


Recommended Posts

We dated for 9 months before the break up. He treated me well. We planned future, he told me he loved me.

I broke up with him bc I felt like he didn't give me enough attention bc of his hobbies and was choosing them over me.

He tried to talk to me several times after breakup, I refused.

We have been in NC for more than 3 months now.

As time passed I have realized that I was an idiot and I was needy. That there was nothing wrong with his hobbies and that adults don't need to spend every minute of their day together.

I took this 3 month off to work on myself. I lost 20 pounds, have been hitting the gym, I did therapy and realized that this man did nothing wrong. I have issues and I need to work on them and I wasn't happy with myself and it wasn't his fault.

I texted him and asked to meet after 3 months. We met. I apologized. I basically poured my soul there told him I miss him, I want a second chance. I understand none deserve a second chance but if he still has felling for me I ask him to try again.

I asked him if he has been dating and he says yes, he has.

So this is what he told me: he told me he still has feelings for me. He said I need to understand he never expected me to come back and tell him all of this. He said he missed me and we were happy together.

I told him that I did it bc I don't want to have regrets about loosing him 10 years from now. He said he felt the same way.

We ended conversation when I told him well if you fell this way and want to try call me. He said it's fair.

It has been 10 days after we talked.

He sends me random messages here and there, articles he read on Internet, news. I respond and then nothing.

What should I do now? Is it over and he moved on?

Should I ask him if I need to move on? Should I wait?

I have no idea where I stand.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Mimmi,

 

I'm in similar situation, except it hasn't been that long since breakup, about a month and half, and still NC. I did the same thing you did, breaking up, then going to counseling, and really realizing my mistakes. It's hard to describe the regret I feel in my situation.

 

I've been in many relationships, and this breakup pain is the worst, hands down. As someone replied to one of my posts" you get the double whammy pain of being the dumper and the dumpee." You caused your pain, and now, you have the pain of feeling you were wrong. I too have hit the gym, and lost about 20 pounds. My plan is to wait another couple of months, then do as you did, and try to contact her and see how she responds.

 

I don't know if you should listen to me, let me start off by saying that, but as a guy, the fact that he did say he "still has feelings for you " means something. I don't know what, but he didn't have to say that. I don't know his personality, if he is testing you, probably treading very lightly to see how you respond. Keep doing what you have been doing, keep bettering yourself, see if he contacts you about meeting up again maybe?

 

If I may ask, have your feelings subsided a bit in past 3 months, you obviously want to reconcile, but are you close to feeling confident in going through life without this person, or are you still like waking up and going to sleep thinking about them?

 

 

The difficult truth I'm left with in my situation, again, similar to yours, as the dumper, is that, if she wants to try to reconcile, it will have to be on her terms. Me pushing for her will only probably only serve to push her away.

You're in a precarious position as 'friends'. It's good you have contact, but you gotta be careful and not push. Is he dating someone else exclusively? or just dating around?

 

If it exclusive, I would back off, let him think, respect his space.

 

You're doing the right thing in focusing on yourself, and bettering yourself. Of the multitudinous terrible emotions I feel, it is the one thing that I am confident is right.

My personal plan is to be able to present my self to her at least physically in a way that she can absolutely have no doubt that "well, wow, something with him is changed."

 

You know this, but you broke his trust, that is main thing here you have to overcome, and I think the best way to do that is by showing him you're stronger, and truly different. Show him by actions and being present. (which is of course impossible to do if you don't see him right?)I don't know if words can penetrate a betrayal of trust. I just don't know.

 

I would say too, if you feel strong enough, in that you are prepared for whatever he says, at this point, and only then, I don't think it would hurt to ask him (in person or on phone) if you should move on. Just only do this if you are completely prepared for him to say 'yes'.

 

Our situations are very similar, just reversed in that I'm the dude, but I truly hope the best for you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I still think about him a lot and I want to get back.

But at the same time I want him to be happy.

I don't know if he is dating around or dating exclusively I didn't ask and I don't know how to ask now. I don't think he is in love with anyone bc otherwise why would he tell me that he still has feelings for me and that he misses me, and that he feels the same way when I told him I wanted to try again bc I didn't want to have regrets 10 years from now.

 

Right now I am ok with any result. I understand that issue was my fault and I need to fix this and work on it in any relationship. I would like it to be with him but if now I am going to do it anyway.

 

I tried to date myself. I got a lot of invitations after I lost weight, improved my looks, and just hold myself differently now and I am generally attractive educated woman . However, I felt like I couldn't move on bc I still had feelings for my ex and have hope.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to push him bc I think he should have a choice to decide on his terms and not mine and whatever he decides I can accept. I do want him to be happy and I think even if he doesn't want back thats his decision and he will decide what will be better for both of us.

I just don't know how long I should hang on and if I should even ask or the fact that he is not asking me out is the answer.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You shouldn't wait until you improve your looks before contacting Herzegovina I would do it now. If she liked you before she was obviously happy with your looks.

The more time passes the more chances for the dumped to move on. I would be in a much better position if I contacted him earlier.

I just wasn't ready to be that person he needed me to be in the relationship. I am ready now with him or without him. I would rather it would be him but I am afraid it's too late and he told me he moved on.

He told me conflicting things that's why my head is spinning in different directions.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I feel like if I push him for answer this will kill any chance I have with him bc this will show that I once again want it on my terms.

But then maybe him not asking me out is the answer in itself and i shouldn't be sitting around and waiting.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

So much you said here I can relate too 100%. The dating, not asking about her dating, not pushing, but not being able to move on cause I still have feelings.

 

"I still think about him a lot and I want to get back.

But at the same time I want him to be happy"

 

That's the rub.

 

That is what I keep asking in my situation, but at least where I am is saying this,

 

"I still think about her a lot and I want to get back.

But at the same time I want her to be happy,

But if I could only get another chance with her, I could show her how much I've changed and would share love instead of taking it, and it would be like the relationship was always supposed to be, and we would both be happier."

 

I don't think the last two sentences I added should be in there. What we had was and is broken.

 

I have to be a place where I genuinely accept her happiness is more important than my own in regards to this situation. What I mean is, Ultimately, you don't really want them back unless it is what THEY want to be with you right? As you said "I think he should have a choice to decide on his terms and not mine and whatever he decides I can accept."

Take this stance and continue along, but if it helps you, and you are willing to suffer the pain, then contact him and ask if you should move on.

I'm trying to work with myself, and my counselors, as being 'grateful' for the break up. It has changed me more than anything I can recall.This is true. However,there is a hidden curse here, maybe something I deserve? in that I know that I am to blame, and if I could just have another chance, things really would be different.

I'm trying to portray myself 2 months down the road, and what I would do if it similar things transpired. (etc meet up and she said "still have feelings for you").

 

 

This may sound cold, and it's from a guys perspective remember, but for me, I have to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I'll be OK with whatever she says. In other words, I have to be a certain point of "I don't care." Not that I don't care about her, but I will have to be fully on my terms insofar as emotional strength, have the highground as it were. I have to be mentally in a place where I can genuinely say "it's as it should be" no matter what she replies/ so that what she says.

I have made a little list of possible responses I could get. Not until I am honestly ok with all of these will I approach her.

 

"No", "I'm really in love with someone else now,"

"we had a beautiful thing but you messed it up and I can't go back"

"I just want to date (sleep) around"

"not interested in a relationship but would like to be friend with benefits?"

"I love you with all my heart but I just can't trust you"

"I don't really care what you want"

"If you would have approached me a month ago maybe, but it's too late now."

etc.

 

You can get the idea. Make your own list, and ONLY when you are ok with all of the replies, then I say go ahead and ask him if you should move on, what have you got to lose?

 

If you're still in a place where any of those responses, or ones you can think of would hut you, then I don't think you're gonna be ready to ask him, you won't be the person you have to be.

 

Either way, don't do anything right now, set a date on your calendar, maybe a week or 10 days. See what happens between now and then, and if after that date comes, if every day you have felt like it is still right, then do what must be done.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel like if I push him for answer this will kill any chance I have with him bc this will show that I once again want it on my terms.

But then maybe him not asking me out is the answer in itself and i shouldn't be sitting around and waiting.

 

This is where I am right now. I poured my heart out to her (in emails). She knows how I feel. She has the power now. If I try to contact her now, it will probably look clingy and needy. But if I don't, then yes, she will very possibly move on. Kobyashi Maru.This brings me back to the "only ask him if you should move on" once you are the one with the power. Being able to care for him and his place, and able to genuinely walk away and not care.

 

One hard thing you gotta ask yourself, But, you can't really date right now, cause you still have strong feelings for him. He is dating. The dynamic is shifted since you broke up with him, I mean, of course he has to 'reclaim his ego' or whatever, but there is something to look at here.

 

It really comes down to what you are willing to bear, The possibility that you act too hastily.

or the possibility that you wait too long. and how you feel in regards to the possibility of really closing the door on your hope. If you can wait, then wait. One you act you cannot un-act.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I kind of started to reply with short messages to his texts.

I basically poured my soul when we talked and then got back general friendly texts. I wrote bigger responses to first texts but now it just " interesting", "nice". The last text exchange I ended but not replying but it's not Like what he wrote needed a reply.

I think I am going give him another week. By then it will be 3 weeks after we talked and it will be safely to assume that I need to move on.

for all I know he is dating someone else and keeping in contact with me in case that relationship won't work out.

I think no answer after I told him that if he wants it back he should ask me out and he said he thinks he feel this too shows that he moved on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am going on a date this weekend. I don't really want to but it just a lunch date and I am going to go and enjoy a conversation with a person of an opposite gender who genuinely likes me. I have no intentions of getting physical or date him seriously I am just going out.

I haven't been on a date since December of last year

Link to post
Share on other sites

When someone doesn't reply, you have your answer. Go have a good time on your date, just keep things casual while your moving past this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Dbne

You can't prepare yourself for her answer. You assume she will give you one.

You may end up in the situation like me when she looks at you and tells you conflicting things and you still have no answer and no idea about how she really feels. Then you are hanging there just like now.

 

I would go and ask her now. No way you can prepare yourself for what she will do there is simply no way. And if she rejects you will be hurt any way why not take a chance now.

 

You are trying to protect yourself from future pain be waiting. There is no way to protect yourself just face it now and get over it one way or another

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Then why he said he still has feelings for me

Why he texts me

Why he told me he doesn't want to regret 10 years from now too

He was honest man he didn't lie to me before

In fact we argued bc we were very honest with each other instead of shutting up sometimes and don't say what we think

He also told me I have to understand he didn't expect me to come and say this

 

I am a mess

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if this helps, but I've decided to give it time.

 

I think that maybe a part truly loving someone means, letting them figure out what they want and need.

 

If you reach out, it might help, or it might hurt.

 

Giving it time will let him make his own decision, independent of your wishes, he might move on, if he doesn't love you like you love him, or he'll love you because he wants to love you, which is what deep down you really want right?

 

 

If it's meant to be it will be.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you asked him if he has made a decision? Nothing wrong with being open. If he rejects you, yeah it'll hurt like hell, but it's better than delaying that. I personally think it's best to just be honest like you did with your talk.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I am going on a date this weekend. I don't really want to but it just a lunch date and I am going to go and enjoy a conversation with a person of an opposite gender who genuinely likes me. I have no intentions of getting physical or date him seriously I am just going out.

I haven't been on a date since December of last year

 

When you dump someone, if your not willing to gain the trust, which can take months and think things will start going back to how it was... its not going to happen.

 

Sounds like your waiting for him to court you around... so your taking the easy route and get the attention you need from somewhere else.

 

You need to be taking him out and paying for dates... I find it absurd your waiting for him to be aggressive in rekindling the relationship.

 

I commend you for your hard work and self evaluation...but the way your going about kick starting the relationship is going to yield you little results.

Link to post
Share on other sites
When you dump someone, if your not willing to gain the trust, which can take months and think things will start going back to how it was... its not going to happen.

 

Sounds like your waiting for him to court you around... so your taking the easy route and get the attention you need from somewhere else.

 

You need to be taking him out and paying for dates... I find it absurd your waiting for him to be aggressive in rekindling the relationship.

 

I commend you for your hard work and self evaluation...but the way your going about kick starting the relationship is going to yield you little results.

 

I do agree wth the above. I was dumped and it's been about just over 3 mths so much has happenned as in the way she's been after the break up hurt me so much I've just about let go and have started going on dating sites. Yes the above is correct from b3ing dumped I hav lost so much trust that if she ever did come back i wouldnt just jump back in she would need to really show she's not going to to do this again here lies the issue the reason his being like that is his interested but wwiry of u breaking up again wth him u have to do a lot more than wat ur doing to win him back u caused the damage now u gotta repair it

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I went hiking today.

No I am not going to take him out and pay for dates or beg for the relationship.

I think it's ridiculous. I don't know of any woman who won a man back by paying for the dates and pursuing him non stop.

I told him how I feel he knows I am serious and want him back.

I am not looking for attention from anyone.

 

I decided I am not going to ask him about the decision. I am not going to push him or date right now. I will give this at least until the end of this month and if I don't hear anything back I will start moving on with my life

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

To posters who think I should be aggressive. How I can even do that?

I talked to him twice and poured my soul there.

We discussed and he told me he will ask me if he decides he wants me to give him a chance.

So if I ask him now it will be against what he told me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Because LS is riddled with stories of dumpers who have come back in some capacity and in some cases poured their heart out (at least to some degree), only to soon after disappear and never be seen again. There can be a lot of motivations behind "pouring your heart" as you put it but that doesn't necessarily mean the comments are based on love. Guilt, ego etc can also lead to such a dialogue.

 

 

You may not be in that category but he doesn't know that for sure.

 

 

For him, words mean little to him now the trust is broken.

 

 

It will take some ACTIONS to crack the nut.

 

 

You do sound genuine but think about the boy who cried wolf story.

 

 

Your ex spent months processing the BU and now your back. Words on their own probably won't yield the result you are looking for.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

We discussed and he told me he will ask me if he decides he wants me to give him a chance.

So if I ask him now it will be against what he told me.

 

That doesn't mean he isn't waiting around to see if you are really going to work for it.

 

 

You hurt his ego and he will probably only jump back in once he feels his ego is boosted and somewhat safe from further damage.

 

 

Also, since the trust was broken, like you, his words need to be taken with caution.

 

 

At this point, only clear actions help to remove the FOG.

 

 

An important question but. Even though you were the dumper, who would you say was the least invested in the relationship at the time of the BU?

 

 

If the answer is HIM, then maybe pursuing him now may be a mistake anyway.

Edited by marky00
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I don't know if he was least invested. I thought we were both invested.

We broke up bc I wanted him to give up xyz to be together and spend more time with me. After time passed, I have realized that I shouldn't have ever asked that.

He didn't give it up though in order to be with me. He didn't feel he did anything wrong.

So I don't know. I can't really pursue him he is just texting me now and I respond. I sent him pics of my hiking trip yesterday. Last time we talked he told me he didn't expect me to come back and he still feelings for me but just didn't expect me to say what I did. We kind of agreed that the ball is in his court. So I can't be asking him out bc that wouldn't be what we agreed.

I know I maybe waisting my time here but I am ok with that. When I reached out I knew there was huge chance I will be rejected still I figured out I would rather be rejected than not even try

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So he has been texting me some political articles last week.

I responded but didn't initiate any other conversations.

 

Yesterday I texted him some pics from my hiking trip. No response. I know he read it bc he was online but they are marked as unread which is strange. I also texted him that I still miss him. Nothing back.

 

I think I need to leave him alone at this point. It's like I am initiating and nothing back at all

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well I sent him a text today said I understand he is not interested I won't bother him anymore and wish him well.

It's over and I will be moving on.

Thank you guys for support

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have some update and I really need some advice bc I have no idea what to do now.

So after he ignored me for couple days I sent him that text and told him I understand he is not interested in starting over and I wish him well.

He responded and said too much time passed, I wish things were different. I said I understand and wish him good bye.

Then out of the blue he started to text me happy pictures of us.

I responded and I told him look, I think you still have feelings for me but you are either scared or don't think it will work out or don't trust me.

He said all of the above.

Then I wrote him that I love him and if he just give me a chance I can show to him that I am serious and I want him for the rest of my life.

He responded and said I do love you.

 

This was last week. After that I sent him good morning and good night texts, I texts him pics about my day. I tell him I miss him and I would like to see him.

He responds but often just ignores my texts for long time. He ignores when I ask to see him.

This morning I texted and no response whatsoever.

 

I feel stupid for pursuing this man and getting nothing back in return and he won't even see me. Some of my friends told me to dissapear and give him space they think I am coming too strong.

Some say keep doing what I have been doing and keep writing him bc he told me he loves me. He discusses his future with me like plans about renting another place and asks what I think. Yet at the same time I haven't seen him in 3 weeks after we started to talk again.

 

What should I do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...