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Hello everyone,

 

I'm going through a type of breakup that I have never experienced before. Just over a year ago, I (27) began dating a man (30) going a divorce. I was extremely cautious when I first learned he was not yet legally divorced, however, he assured me they had been separated for 7 months (only married for 1.5 years) and that any contact between them was in regards to the upcoming divorce which could not be granted until 1 full year of separation had passed.

 

Knowing this, I attempted to proceed with the relationship slowly with caution, however, things moved quickly as I'm learning they often do with people going through a divorce. I felts extremely passionate about him, that he was so open about his feelings and mine, that we truly understood each other. Our relationship became intense, we spent much of our time together. As we began to get closer, the contact with his ex, and him leaning on me emotionally through the process, became increasingly an issue for me. We had many disagreements about this, and when May had come, when he could legally divorce his ex and he did not, I decided to end our relationship.

 

Having felt emotionally drained, used, and exhausted, I decided to travel internationally for a month. I did not expect to hear from my now ex after I returned, so I was surprised when he contacted me to say that he had finalized his divorce while I was away and wanted to try dating again. I agreed, hopeful things could be different. However, although the divorce was finalized and his ex wife was now living abroad, the contact continued and he said that they were now platonic friends. This, coupled with the casual flings he had had while I was away, worried me, and I believe triggered my own insecurities.

 

One night in September, after having far too much to drink and feeling abandoned by him (he seemed more interested in pleasing my friends than me when I requested to go home), I exploded in an angry tirade. I don't remember much of what I said, but what I do was not kind. The next day, after I profusely apologized for my behaviour, he said he was unsure if he could continue to date me and be vulnerable as I had hurt him so much that night.

 

I tried for months after that night to redeem myself, to show him that he could trust me again, but in November he said he felt his feelings change for me that night. We continued to date until before Christmas, after which he decided that he wanted to be single, and that he didn't think I was The One, even though he had said the opposite so many times before.

 

After a week or so of no contact, we began seeing each other again. However, it was not the same, and he was going on dates with other women. I followed suit and went on dates with other men, but I did not ever feel the spark I did with him. However, a couple weeks ago he began seeing a younger woman more consistently and became intimate with her. He has wanted to keep seeing me as a friend and continued to initiate contact time with me, however, I told him I could not be his platonic friend. I have reimplemented no contact since.

 

I am now dealing with strong negative emotions, specifically feeling used, like a bridge between his ex wife and this new relationship. Before implimenting no contact, he let me know various things about this new relationship that he was unwilling to do with me, such as set boundaries with his ex and other women, prioritizing her over his friends, etc. Deep down, I feel this new woman is reaping the rewards of all the hard work I gave to my ex. What's worse, and I do feel horrible for thinking this, is that in my opinion the new woman is far less attractive, educated, or successful as me. For some reason, I find this to be a particularly difficult pill to swallow.

 

Presently, I've found it incredibly difficult to let this person, who had become my best friend, go once and for all. I'm angry and hurt that he did not see value in me, someone who has been there for him through the good and the bad, and instead would rather start with someone new to replace me. He has already begun to spend most of his time with her and introduce her to his friends, just as he did with me. I feel taken advantage of, forgotten, and replaced. I truly believed we had a special bond, I'm certain he thought so too. Part of me wonders if this new relationship will even last, and part of me feels I shouldn't care.

 

However, the truth is, I truly miss this person and after going in several dates with others, I still have not felt a fraction of the connection I did with him. It was electric, physically and emotionally. After over a year invested in this person, it feels daunting and heartbreaking to move on. I plan though to continue to try and move on, however, part of me feels like our story isn't done. Is there any chance for reconciliation in the future?

 

Thank you for reading, any insight would be helpful.

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It sounds like you were the rebound and this new girl might also be a rebound.

 

I think for your own sake no contact is the best thing to do. You can't be friends, that's just not realistic.

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Is there a chance of reuniting with him? Of course. Is it a good idea, and would it likely lead to a healthy and fulfilling lifelong bond? That's extremely unlikely.

 

You and he are broken up for good reasons. Move forward, not back.

 

You don't have to remain friends with him either. He owes you nothing. You owe him nothing. Best to leave it that way.

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Is there a chance of reuniting with him? Of course. Is it a good idea, and would it likely lead to a healthy and fulfilling lifelong bond? That's extremely unlikely.

 

You and he are broken up for good reasons. Move forward, not back.

 

You don't have to remain friends with him either. He owes you nothing. You owe him nothing. Best to leave it that way.

 

Thank you for your reply. Can you explain what specifically shows you it would be a bad idea for the long term? I think seeing it from an objective perspective would help.

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Thank you for your reply. Can you explain what specifically shows you it would be a bad idea for the long term?

 

You included plenty of details indicating that he wasn't a long-term prospect in the first place (such as separated following a very short marriage). Other details during your relationship confirmed that. You didn't have a healthy relationship with him. People can and do get along better with each other than what you've described of your time together. No matter how much passion you felt or still feel, not all of it is positive, and it obviously wasn't enough to keep you from hurting each other.

 

There's more bad than good interaction here, no matter how intense the good may have seemed. The past is the best indicator of the quality and duration of the future you'd share.

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You included plenty of details indicating that he wasn't a long-term prospect in the first place (such as separated following a very short marriage). Other details during your relationship confirmed that. You didn't have a healthy relationship with him. People can and do get along better with each other than what you've described of your time together. No matter how much passion you felt or still feel, not all of it is positive, and it obviously wasn't enough to keep you from hurting each other.

 

There's more bad than good interaction here, no matter how intense the good may have seemed. The past is the best indicator of the quality and duration of the future you'd share.

 

I think my issue is that I keep on thinking that had I managed my own insecurities better, held better boundaries, and respected myself better, the relationship would have had a positive outcome. I guess the truth is I'll never know, and even a second chance might not prove that because of his own issues. I find it frustrating that he does not take accountability for his, while I have extensively for mine.

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todreaminblue
I think my issue is that I keep on thinking that had I managed my own insecurities better, held better boundaries, and respected myself better, the relationship would have had a positive outcome. I guess the truth is I'll never know, and even a second chance might not prove that because of his own issues. I find it frustrating that he does not take accountability for his, while I have extensively for mine.

 

 

hey, personal growth on your behalf....is a positive i can find......holding yourself accountable is really positive whether or not he does....you have outgrown him...one of the hardest things to do is look at yourself in the harsh light of reality especially when its glaringly obvious the flaws of others around you or past relationships..but when you do the growth you achieve is .....more than necessary it makes you able to have relationships that are stable and equal...and lessons such as the one you have learned are hard going.....its errors that you wont repeat...knowing those errors is always better than never knowing they existed or could exist...in you..........one day you will feel this......

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hey, personal growth on your behalf....is a positive i can find......holding yourself accountable is really positive whether or not he does....you have outgrown him...one of the hardest things to do is look at yourself in the harsh light of reality especially when its glaringly obvious the flaws of others around you or past relationships..but when you do the growth you achieve is .....more than necessary it makes you able to have relationships that are stable and equal...and lessons such as the one you have learned are hard going.....its errors that you wont repeat...knowing those errors is always better than never knowing they existed or could exist...in you..........one day you will feel this......

 

Thank you for your kind words. Do you have any advice for me moving forward?

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todreaminblue
Thank you for your kind words. Do you have any advice for me moving forward?

 

 

i think accepting that you can't change the big picture....the big picture has other people in it and you cant change what they do.....and so you accept your role your place.... in the picture and be the best you can be.....its a visualization exercise i use that helps me.....im a visual internal person....

 

you say you just got back from travelling ...so you like to travel...is there a place you find reflective or peaceful...go there ...physically...if its close...and if you cant...go astral........go there in your mind....anytime you feel overwhelmed with emotion....meditate somewhere beautiful....occupy you mind and heart with serenity...you can face almost anything if you learn this......even war......abuse and for sure obsessive desires.....you have to bring yourself to your center....to move forward...find the strength at your center.....your core...the strongest part of who you are....

 

what do you love to do ? have you ever done yoga...how do you relax? music?....beach.....or is travel relaxing to you....

 

do you feel you suffer from depressive thought or have you in the past....

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i think accepting that you can't change the big picture....the big picture has other people in it and you cant change what they do.....and so you accept your role your place.... in the picture and be the best you can be.....its a visualization exercise i use that helps me.....im a visual internal person....

 

you say you just got back from travelling ...so you like to travel...is there a place you find reflective or peaceful...go there ...physically...if its close...and if you cant...go astral........go there in your mind....anytime you feel overwhelmed with emotion....meditate somewhere beautiful....occupy you mind and heart with serenity...you can face almost anything if you learn this......even war......abuse and for sure obsessive desires.....you have to bring yourself to your center....to move forward...find the strength at your center.....your core...the strongest part of who you are....

 

what do you love to do ? have you ever done yoga...how do you relax? music?....beach.....or is travel relaxing to you....

 

do you feel you suffer from depressive thought or have you in the past....

 

This is lovely advice, thank you! I think unfortunately I do suffer from depressive thoughts, I think I get it from my father. We both have a tendency to constantly worry about what's wrong, rather than focus and enjoy what is right. This obviously takes a toll on my relationships, especially romantic, and definitely contributed on this last one. However, I was, and still am (I'm currently working with a psychologist) actively working on this. I guess it just wasn't enough for him to stay.

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In this short time I've decided I would never actually want to reconcile with him. I can see clearly now that the person I thought I cared for did not exist, instead it was a figment of my projections and fantasies. A man with character I thought he had simply could not so easily replace a significant other, especially so quickly.

 

I see now he is using this new person the same way he used me. He cannot bare to be alone, not even for a night at a time. We are walking, breathing, coping/defence mechanisms which is quite sad really. I don't think it matters what we look like, so long as we cater to his fragile ego. Which I did and then some. I think the real tragedy here is how long I betrayed myself and my boundaries to keep him on that pedestal.

 

Now that I have kicked him off and see his true colours, I don't care what happens to him at all. I'm focused on me, my healing, and keeping an open heart for the right person. Thank you to everyone that helped me through this process!

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  • 1 year later...
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Hello again everyone,

 

I'm rather ashamed to be commenting on this thread after so much time has passed, and yet still feeling stuck in this healing process. I don't know if there is anything that could be said that hasn't already, but I suppose anything would help. I am in a new relationship now, my partner is much more attentive and understanding of my needs, however, it was a bumpy road to get there as it was his first serious relationship and there was a lot I felt I had to teach him about empathy and communication in relationships. Also, the relationship is long distance so that makes things difficult.

 

Anyway, I feel awful that this past relationship still plagues me while I'm with someone else. In fact, this new (almost one year now) relationship seems to have somehow reopened some of these wounds from the past that I thought had been healed. For what reason, I am not too sure. One thought that seems to plague me more than others, is regret over this one night I posted about earlier:

 

 

One night in September, after a lovely dinner date out where he fully committed (for the first time), I ended up having far too much to drink and feeling abandoned by him (he seemed more interested in pleasing my friends than me when I requested to go home), I exploded in an angry tirade. I don't remember much of what I said, but what I do was not kind. The next day, after I profusely apologized for my behaviour, he said he was unsure if he could continue to date me and be vulnerable as I had hurt him so much that night.

 

I tried for months after that night to redeem myself, to show him that he could trust me again, but in November he said he felt his feelings change for me that night. We continued to date until before Christmas, after which he decided that he wanted to be single and that he didn't think I was The One, even though he had said the opposite so many times before.

 

He is still seeing the same woman he started dating right after me, and I have found it so painful to see him impliment boundaries with me (a now ex) when he never did that for me while we were together (kept in frequent contact with his ex wife) despite knowing how badly it affected me. I honestly don't know why this is plaguing me so much now, after so much time has passed. I can't seem to get over the pain, the feeling of betrayal, and the abandonment. I have nightly dreams where he resurfaces, and it seems like my unconscious mind cannot let go of this, of the regret I feel for that night. Of wondering what could have been if I didn't act that way, where I could be now in my life if I hadn't. Is there any way I can finally put this all to rest and stop the constant what if's?

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Funny bunny
In this short time I've decided I would never actually want to reconcile with him. I can see clearly now that the person I thought I cared for did not exist, instead it was a figment of my projections and fantasies. A man with character I thought he had simply could not so easily replace a significant other, especially so quickly.

 

I see now he is using this new person the same way he used me. He cannot bare to be alone, not even for a night at a time. We are walking, breathing, coping/defence mechanisms which is quite sad really. I don't think it matters what we look like, so long as we cater to his fragile ego. Which I did and then some. I think the real tragedy here is how long I betrayed myself and my boundaries to keep him on that pedestal.

 

Now that I have kicked him off and see his true colours, I don't care what happens to him at all. I'm focused on me, my healing, and keeping an open heart for the right person. Thank you to everyone that helped me through this process!

 

 

Wow!! Awesome job!! Our aim is to be happy without having someone else do that for us. It’s tough. I’m a happy person or at least I try to find happiness in knowing my identity and having peace with my creator and NOT in the other person.

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