Chances of getting back after 2 breakups

[Lily_nyc8]

I'm new to the site so it might be kinda but I just needed to tell someone

 

My ex boyfriend and I have a long history, dating for 4 years from senior year in high school and into college. We're both 23 and 22 now and Last year we would've been together for 5 years but we had our first major break up in the beginning of the year. Devistated is an understatement of how I felt, he broke up with me when he came back from being out of town for some a month time. I couldn't handle the distance and it was definately a contributing factor to all of the fighting but he came back and explained that he felt better alone and he no longer wanted anything to do with me. After failed attempts at begging him to stay we finally went into no contact mode. He was always in my mind during that time but I refused to message him because he became so cold with me but 6 months later he came back literally crying and explaining why he had left and promised that it wasn't because of anybody but that he truly felt that we needed that time apart

 

I totally agree that the space made our hearts grow fonder and we began to establish a friendship without rushing into anything. we began dating on the low because we weren't ready to go public and everything was going great. But fast forward to 8 months later and the arguing begins to re surface and finally I start to notice that he's changing again. When I confronted him he admitted that he didn't know what he felt again and that we should take a break. He also said that that he was scared to keep hurting me. I just can't believe how much he changed out of the blue. I know that he's not like this and I just don't understand the way he thinks. And just like the first time I was back to begging and Crying & & I hate myself for it. I'm crushed that I'm going through this again and I just don't understand why he's doing this again. I truly feel that he will be back because that's seems to be his pattern and I know that I shouldn't take him back but I don't know what to do. I just really wanted it to work out. Has anyone ever made it through two major break ups with someone they love? In all we dated for 4 years, broke up for 6 months, got back and dated for 8 months and now split.

Edited March 3, 2017 by Lily_nyc8

[whatdeww18]

I'm new to the site so it might be kinda but I just needed to tell someone

 

My ex boyfriend and I have a long history, dating for 4 years from senior year in high school and into college. We're both 23 and 22 now and Last year we would've been together for 5 years but we had our first major break up in the beginning of the year. Devistated is an understatement of how I felt, he broke up with me when he came back from being out of town for some a month time. I couldn't handle the distance and it was definately a contributing factor to all of the fighting but he came back and explained that he felt better alone and he no longer wanted anything to do with me. After failed attempts at begging him to stay we finally went into no contact mode. He was always in my mind during that time but I refused to message him because he became so cold with me but 6 months later he came back literally crying and explaining why he had left and promised that it wasn't because of anybody but that he truly felt that we needed that time apart

 

I totally agree that the space made our hearts grow fonder and we began to establish a friendship without rushing into anything. we began dating on the low because we weren't ready to go public and everything was going great. But fast forward to 8 months later and the arguing begins to re surface and finally I start to notice that he's changing again. When I confronted him he admitted that he didn't know what he felt again and that we should take a break. He also said that that he was scared to keep hurting me. I just can't believe how much he changed out of the blue. I know that he's not like this and I just don't understand the way he thinks. And just like the first time I was back to begging and Crying & & I hate myself for it. I'm crushed that I'm going through this again and I just don't understand why he's doing this again. I truly feel that he will be back because that's seems to be his pattern and I know that I shouldn't take him back but I don't know what to do. I just really wanted it to work out. Has anyone ever made it through two major break ups with someone they love? In all we dated for 4 years, broke up for 6 months, got back and dated for 8 months and now split.

 

I haven't been in your shoes of third chances but it seems a little odd. Do you mind if I ask a few questions?

 

1. What did you do in your time apart? Was this discussed?

 

2. He couldn't explain a reason for the break up, except that it felt off?

 

3. What are the arguments about? How does the fighting play out?

 

In any case, I am sorry for another break up. As if the first didn't sting enough, a second break up hurts all the more. Would like to comment further after some more information!

 

Wishing you the best in healing,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Jagged100]

That's rough but to be honest it sounds like he's not in love with you anymore. You're both at an age where things are changing in your life and as people. I know it's hard losing your first love, but you can't live in hope that he'll come back. You need to accept that it's over and that it may never happen for you two.

 

His feelings didn't change over night, and I think he was feeling that way for a while but didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry for your pain and I hope you will be okay

[nowhereboy]

Same boat here.

 

Third break up.

 

Her doing again.

 

Doesn't love me anymore etc. It feels different this time, she's completely indifferent towards me, it's horrible so I know how you feel.

 

I was bending over backwards trying to make things work last time and lost myself in the relationship.

 

If they don't love you anymore nothing will ever be good enough.

[hercules22]

these type of relationships are destined to fail most of the time from what i seen in my lifetime . i seen people break up and get back together multiple times then they ended up not being together at all for good.

 

cant fix what is broken i guess after multiple attempts

[jorgeg3d]

cant fix what is broken i guess after multiple attempts

 

 

Its more like, don't want to fix what is broken. Some people can't reflect on themselves enough to realize they're part of the problem and not the other person. People tend to blame the other person because its the easier thing to do, instead of realizing its in them, its their issue they have to work on.

 

Also, as stated above, if there's no love there, then it'll never work.

Edited March 3, 2017 by jorgeg3d

[Lily_nyc8]

I haven't been in your shoes of third chances but it seems a little odd. Do you mind if I ask a few questions?

 

1. What did you do in your time apart? Was this discussed?

 

2. He couldn't explain a reason for the break up, except that it felt off?

 

3. What are the arguments about? How does the fighting play out?

 

In any case, I am sorry for another break up. As if the first didn't sting enough, a second break up hurts all the more. Would like to comment further after some more information!

 

Wishing you the best in healing,

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

During our time apart i didn't know anything about him and I went to visit family out of the country for a few weeks and it really helped in taking my mind off things. I spoke to someone else for a little but it was nothing, I didn't feel ready and I didn't want anyone that wasn't my ex. So a few days after I returned he was already messaging me. We talked about how our arguing took a toll on our relationship and how special we still were for eachother

 

Both times breaking up were exactly the same-mostly him saying that he felt confused and scared and that I deserved better than him and that he wasn't sure if he could "love me as much as possible"

 

The arguing was mostly due to my trust issues. He did a lot of lying behind my back when we were still fairly young and it was something that always affected our relationship. I don't think I was ever fully able to move on from somethings. Fights usually just consisted of me exploding about something and him ignoring me until I came around and apologized or vice versa. I didn't think it was any different than any other couple arguing

[Lily_nyc8]

I haven't been in your shoes of third chances but it seems a little odd. Do you mind if I ask a few questions?

 

1. What did you do in your time apart? Was this discussed?

 

2. He couldn't explain a reason for the break up, except that it felt off?

 

3. What are the arguments about? How does the fighting play out?

 

In any case, I am sorry for another break up. As if the first didn't sting enough, a second break up hurts all the more. Would like to comment further after some more information!

 

Wishing you the best in healing,

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

During our time apart i didn't know anything about him and I went to visit family out of the country for a few weeks and it really helped in taking my mind off things. I spoke to someone else for a little but it was nothing, I didn't feel ready and I didn't want anyone that wasn't my ex. So a few days after I returned he was already messaging me. We talked about how our arguing took a toll on our relationship and how special we still were for eachother

 

Both times breaking up were exactly the same-mostly him saying that he felt confused and scared and that I deserved better than him and that he wasn't sure if he could "love me as much as possible"

 

The arguing was mostly due to my trust issues. He did a lot of lying behind my back when we were still fairly young and it was something that always affected our relationship. I don't think I was ever fully able to move on from somethings. Fights usually just consisted of me exploding about something and him ignoring me until I came around and apologized or vice versa. I didn't think it was any different than any other couple arguing

[whatdeww18]

During our time apart i didn't know anything about him and I went to visit family out of the country for a few weeks and it really helped in taking my mind off things. I spoke to someone else for a little but it was nothing, I didn't feel ready and I didn't want anyone that wasn't my ex. So a few days after I returned he was already messaging me. We talked about how our arguing took a toll on our relationship and how special we still were for eachother

 

Both times breaking up were exactly the same-mostly him saying that he felt confused and scared and that I deserved better than him and that he wasn't sure if he could "love me as much as possible"

 

The arguing was mostly due to my trust issues. He did a lot of lying behind my back when we were still fairly young and it was something that always affected our relationship. I don't think I was ever fully able to move on from somethings. Fights usually just consisted of me exploding about something and him ignoring me until I came around and apologized or vice versa. I didn't think it was any different than any other couple arguing

 

Hmm, I see this does help quite a bit. So, in regards to others' posts, yes, this is generally what happens with on and off relationships, or "falling in and out of love."

 

There are issues that need to be addressed individually and together, however, you both are not doing so properly.

 

What guy wouldn't be scared and confused when every time there is a fight, all he feels is resentment or an "I don't care attitude," towards his partner?

 

So, if the arguing was mostly due to your trust issues, did you do anything in the time apart to address it? I think you answered this question with your reply, but it doesn't sound like you did. Or if you did, you didn't get to the root issue.

 

So, in our age group, yes, fights generally consist of exploding and someone ignoring. It's not a mature way of fighting. Try and look at successful couples and they all have arguments in just about the same way: they don't disrespect the other party, always hear them out, and what's fought in the past stays in the past. That's a mature way of going about things, and common in couples married over 10+ years.

 

As such, I can't say if you will get a third chance. He may come back, he may not. I mean, he already did that once so these things do tend to get into a vicious cycle. However, I challenge you to go into this break up and, as painful as it is, get to the bottom of every problem. If you need help, I can continue asking questions that you don't need to reply on here that you will be able to think about on your own. That may need a new thread somewhere else, or it may stay here?

 

In summary: I see two people who do have love at its core. You two aren't exhibiting the healthiest of patterns essential for a relationship to survive. You don't take the time apart to address the issues underlying the problems, and nothing changes. Take this time to get to all the issues, learning how to be a kind partner that a person would love to be with, and you may see that your ex is the one or it's time to be with someone new.

 

Wishing you the best and, this is all my opinion, so feel free to challenge any and all I said. Oh yea, stay in No Contact during this time. Definitely, definitely, definitely, need it for now.

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Lily_nyc8]

Hmm, I see this does help quite a bit. So, in regards to others' posts, yes, this is generally what happens with on and off relationships, or "falling in and out of love."

 

There are issues that need to be addressed individually and together, however, you both are not doing so properly.

 

What guy wouldn't be scared and confused when every time there is a fight, all he feels is resentment or an "I don't care attitude," towards his partner?

 

So, if the arguing was mostly due to your trust issues, did you do anything in the time apart to address it? I think you answered this question with your reply, but it doesn't sound like you did. Or if you did, you didn't get to the root issue.

 

So, in our age group, yes, fights generally consist of exploding and someone ignoring. It's not a mature way of fighting. Try and look at successful couples and they all have arguments in just about the same way: they don't disrespect the other party, always hear them out, and what's fought in the past stays in the past. That's a mature way of going about things, and common in couples married over 10+ years.

 

As such, I can't say if you will get a third chance. He may come back, he may not. I mean, he already did that once so these things do tend to get into a vicious cycle. However, I challenge you to go into this break up and, as painful as it is, get to the bottom of every problem. If you need help, I can continue asking questions that you don't need to reply on here that you will be able to think about on your own. That may need a new thread somewhere else, or it may stay here?

 

In summary: I see two people who do have love at its core. You two aren't exhibiting the healthiest of patterns essential for a relationship to survive. You don't take the time apart to address the issues underlying the problems, and nothing changes. Take this time to get to all the issues, learning how to be a kind partner that a person would love to be with, and you may see that your ex is the one or it's time to be with someone new.

 

Wishing you the best and, this is all my opinion, so feel free to challenge any and all I said. Oh yea, stay in No Contact during this time. Definitely, definitely, definitely, need it for now.

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Thank you so much for the advice, I completely agree with you & I know that I'll struggle at first but I plan on handling this break up differently than the first, thanks again

[RecentChange]

I have never known a couple that has broken up or "taken breaks" to stand the test of time.

 

To be a successful couple, people need to come together when things get rough, not run away. They need to communicate, not "take breaks". They need to love each other so much that the idea of breaking up and walking away is unfathomable.

 

If he can walk away twice, I see no reason why he can't a third time.

 

Relationships do not have to be this hard, and certainly shouldn't involve so much heartbreak and angst.

[nowhereboy]

Its more like, don't want to fix what is broken. Some people can't reflect on themselves enough to realize they're part of the problem and not the other person. People tend to blame the other person because its the easier thing to do, instead of realizing its in them, its their issue they have to work on.

 

This x100

 

My ex had a major communication problem, instead of talking out an issue she would be distant, use silent treatment and stonewalling. She'd tell me I should know what the problem is, the amount of times I've sat and apologised and not even known what for was crazy.

 

The amount of nights I sat up trying to figure out how she could be so annoyed over minor things, it was crazy making and insanely frustrating, made me feel like such a ****ty person.