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Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 14th March 2017, 2:19 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by airborne3502 View Post
Just thought I'd poke my head in and thank you for this journal. It has been tremendously helpful to me during a blindsided breakup.

I wrote about it here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...-contact-my-ex

How it's been helpful has been most unusual.

Reading about your journey allows me to let myself off the hook for a while and not join you in that awful, mournful, place. Wanting to reach into the monitor and pull you out of that situation allows me to do it for myself. I hope that soon you are able to allow yourself vacations from your heartache as well.

The pain will recede. It always does.
Hi airborne,

Thank you for your post. I am glad to hear that my journal has helped. When I read this last night, I went through and read it from start to finish myself. I do see progress, even though I have days where I slip back into the "why, what could I have done differently, will I find this again?" thought pattern.

I read your post as well and am going to comment over there in case you don't come back to this thread, lol.

Last edited by newheart; 14th March 2017 at 2:42 PM..
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Old 14th March 2017, 3:04 PM   #47
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I am stalling going back for round two of shoveling. We have over two feet of snow already, and it is still going. Ugh.

A weird-ish thing happened at therapy yesterday. We spent the first half discussing where I am on my breakup, reassessing some things (which honestly, don't need to be reassessed but it's my thing), and the second half discussed a couple things related to my relationship with my parents. Mostly, it went like this:

Me: I read an article about the pancake theory. I can relate to this because of syrup and butter and etc. etc. (Obviously, pancake theory is a pseudonym for something else)
Her: *regurgitated what I just said*

It went on like this with her not adding anything new to the conversation, and basically affirming my beliefs on my research. And I've mentioned a few times that I feel like my progress has stalled, or as a friend pointed out, maybe I have 'learned' all I am going to learn from her, maybe I have already achieved what I was set out to with her. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit, and that is a possibility. (Not to imply that I am "cured", but that I need to pursue different avenues with someone else at this point)

At the end of the session, I was walking out and we were talking about our schedule the next few weeks, and she mentioned to me that if I needed to come in less often because I was no longer in a relationship, I can do that. I guess this surprised me because I am not in therapy because of my relationship, although my past most greatly impacts me in the area of my personal relationships. And it annoyed me, knowing my life history, doesn't she understand that? Mostly, it just confirmed to me that I have maxed out my potential in working with this particular therapist. I am no longer focusing on the root of the issues with her. I need to address why I have the fears I do, and how to change my mindset. My ability to have a healthy relationship will follow. So, I think I will be therapist shopping. (Not that I am discounting the work I have done with her - I think she was good and I accomplished what I could with her)

I also will be taking a small break before I look for a new therapist. Sometimes, I feel like constantly analyzing everything in my life is more detrimental than helpful. Even here, while I am so appreciative of everyone here and the support I receive, sometimes I need to take a break for my own mental good, to be able to have a reprieve from the relationship, the breakup, thinking about relationships, dating, etc.

I also want to change the tone of what I am writing here ... I know the purpose is to heal, get over, dare I say learn - from this break up. But I need to be a little more positive, so I am going to incorporate something positive into what I write each day. Not that I won't continue to be a sad sack, I am sure I will, but I have to start to see the sun between the clouds, so to speak.

I overslept this morning - I didn't set my alarm anticipating a snow day (which we definitely had!) but I didn't expect it to be quarter to 10 when I woke up! In the meantime, missed calls and texts from staff, whoops! I did take a half a unisom last night, and didn't wake from any sad or disturbing dreams. I can't wait for the day I can say that, without sleep aids, lol.

I suppose if I want to get out of my driveway at all tomorrow, I better go back out and shovel. I need to stay on top of things. Amidst this blizzard, I am thankful for my warm home protecting me, and my daughter who is like the coach when it comes to getting us all out of the house to shovel!
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Old 14th March 2017, 3:16 PM   #48
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You need a new therapist...

You need a new therapist...

At the very least she could enlighten you are to her opinion or various studies or articles that you are looking at.

Or point you to anther book or article that she things would help you.

My T had a tricky way of asking questions that would make me realize something I needed to get. She also, had a tricky of getting me to feel my emotions about things. That sucked, but I guess I needed to learn that stuff.

I am now a very sensitive, self aware man, now. It also did not help that she was smoking hot, but she was a good therapist.
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Old 16th March 2017, 9:30 PM   #49
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3/16/2017

Ryan Adams - To Be Without You

It's so hard to be without you
Lying in the bed, you are so much to be without
Rattles in my head that empty drum filled with doubt
Everything you lose, the wisdom will find its way out
Every night is lonesome and is longer than before
Nothing really matters anymore

It's so hard to be without you
Used to feel so angry and now only I feel humble
Stinging from the storm inside my ribs where it thunders
Nothing left to say or really even wonder
We are like a book and every page is so torn
Nothing really matters anymore

It's so hard not to call you
Thunder's in my bones out in the streets where I first saw you
When everything was new and colorful, it's gotten darker
Every day's a lesson, things were brighter before
Nothing really matters anymore

It's so hard to be without you
Everyday I find another little thread of silver
Waiting for me when I wake some place on the pillow
And then I see the empty space beside me and remember
I feel empty, I feel tired, I feel worn
Nothing really matters anymore
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Old 16th March 2017, 9:45 PM   #50
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I keep listening to this song, which is heartbreaking yet, I don't cry. I recognize that there is nothing to recoup from us, I am sad but accepting, if that makes any sense. It was what it was, and I am grateful for the happy times we had. I did think a lot about him on the way home, picturing his green eyes for some reason. He is the first, only, man I dated with green eyes. They were warm, kind eyes. They were indicative of who he can be, who he is perhaps, just not with me.

I thought about a year ago ... corned beef and cabbage with his family, perfecting the Reuben afterwards at his house, lol. I helped his mom make an (odd) green cake, spilling maraschino cherry juice all over myself. It made me smile to remember.

I am not sure how I will be tomorrow. I spent the night baking for coworkers, kept myself busy ... Irish soda bread, Irish soda bread cookies, Guinness chocolate cupcakes. Laid my clothes out for work - green dress for the daytime, jeans and shamrock shirt for afterwards. I will hit happy hour with some friends, so I think it will be good to get out and do something. I am a little worried though that I will come home alone and it will only hit me a little harder. I can't help but wonder what he will do tomorrow night.

But, I have to choose to let go so that I can move on, and I think I am doing an okay job. When I stop dwelling in the past, I will recognize the possibilities for the future.
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Old 17th March 2017, 1:20 AM   #51
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I just love your posts...

I just love your posts...

You know I think back to when I was with my first wife dating, high school through collage, and then married.

Does anyone remember that high school love, your high school sweetheart that you went on to marry.

You remember how intense that first real love was? Why can't it always be that way?

You made love in the back of a car or at a pickniq or wherever???

Is it me or is that one of the best times in life, that first true love....

OMG, I sound like a girl, but it really was wonderful. I wish that could have lasted for ever...
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Old 17th March 2017, 9:01 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
I just love your posts...

You know I think back to when I was with my first wife dating, high school through collage, and then married.

Does anyone remember that high school love, your high school sweetheart that you went on to marry.

You remember how intense that first real love was? Why can't it always be that way?

You made love in the back of a car or at a pickniq or wherever???

Is it me or is that one of the best times in life, that first true love....

OMG, I sound like a girl, but it really was wonderful. I wish that could have lasted for ever...
Thank you, BluesPower. Sometimes I think my posts are just nauseating and annoying, nice to hear someone has a differing opinion

What you described is this relationship here that I just left. So yes, I might have been 38-39 years old when I found it, and it certainly wasn't my first relationship by any means, but it was my first love. That sounds pathetic, and part of the reason why the loss was so difficult because I worry that if it took me this long to finally experience this, what are the odds are that I will again? Not good. I guess I thought because I was in such a good place when I met him, I was content with my life as it was, I was a secure person, I worked on myself and knew what I needed and wanted, that this was finally *it* for me. And then, it ... wasn't.

So yeah, I know exactly what you mean ...
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Old 18th March 2017, 12:04 PM   #53
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Thanks for replying in my other thread newheart.

I hope today is an up day and not a down day.

I'm sure you've been told this already, but have you thought about getting back out there? I know it's probably the last thing on your mind right now, but your ex, or any ex for that matter, doesn't deserve the mythical omnipresence that we assign to them.

They are not hurting like we are, so screw em.

Last fall, I dated a girl that messed me up. My dad encouraged me to get back out there and I met a girl that really messed me up. Now that sounds like a terrible example, but the moral of the story is that I found someone I liked better. It didn't necessarily have to go South. Maybe if you dust yourself and get back out there, it will start to break the hold your ex has on you.
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An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming.
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Old 18th March 2017, 7:54 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by airborne3502 View Post
Thanks for replying in my other thread newheart.

I hope today is an up day and not a down day.

I'm sure you've been told this already, but have you thought about getting back out there? I know it's probably the last thing on your mind right now, but your ex, or any ex for that matter, doesn't deserve the mythical omnipresence that we assign to them.

They are not hurting like we are, so screw em.

Last fall, I dated a girl that messed me up. My dad encouraged me to get back out there and I met a girl that really messed me up. Now that sounds like a terrible example, but the moral of the story is that I found someone I liked better. It didn't necessarily have to go South. Maybe if you dust yourself and get back out there, it will start to break the hold your ex has on you.
Hey Airborne,

Your example made me laugh, but I totally understand what you mean, and I appreciate your post. By putting yourself out there, it enabled you to see that there is the opportunity to love again.

I will, eventually. I am still not quite ready. I went out last night, and while I had an okay time, looking around at everyone they seemed quite ... meh. None of them were him. Even though I know I deserve a healthy, loving relationship with someone who wants the same and that he could not give me that, just the fact that I thought that way last night tells me I am not ready. I am also not confident that I won't pick another dismissive-avoidant, and I am not confident I will ever know how to avoid that, but I need to do a little more work on me.

Who knows, I could feel differently next weekend!
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Old 19th March 2017, 7:37 PM   #55
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It's weird, in the morning (or sometimes late night or middle of the night, depending on the type of night I am having) I can perfectly put my feelings into words (in my head, of course) - what I would say if I could say it to him, not for the purpose of going backwards, but just so he'd understand. But then when I try to actually write the words, they don't come. It seems futile, even for my own therapy, my own good. It all starts to sound like the same crap again and again and it is pointless. I can't even re-read my own words when I try.

And does he deserve to understand? Probably not, but he truly isn't a bad person, he is just ... broken. He watched his dad drink, his parents fight violently, and he hid. He literally hid in his room as it happened, when he was older he hid by hanging out and not coming home until he knew it was 'safe', he hid by drinking too much, too often at a very young age. Is this an excuse? No, it is not - not at all. But it is a reason, and unfortunately, he never chose to cope or even bother to recognize how this has affected him. No wonder he does the same now and hides.

I am not a 'hider', but I also am not 100% healthy in my actions either, because I still was trying to fix everything here. I took care of my brother, I took care of my parents. Just like him, drunken domestic violence was a regular occurrence in my household. I coped with the drinking and drugs and suicide threats / half hearted attempts by my mom. Watched her drive a steak knife into my stepfather's arm and get carted off to the county jail for 5 days, and they left my brother and I there with him (drunk, still), so I did what I always had done, and took care of everything - whether she was there or not.

I can't take care of XBF, this is on him. But I probably gravitated to him, at least on some subconscious level, with some need to rescue.

I have called him a lousy communicator here, throughout my relationship probably. That was true, very true. I still have no idea what he wanted from us, up until he wanted nothing at all. But I have realized - I was too. I was petrified to speak how I felt, because I hadn't felt like that ever before and was so afraid of rejection, that he'd abandon me. I was afraid to ask where we stood, for if his answer wasn't what I wanted or expected, I'd have to evaluate and make a decision. If he didn't love me, I didn't know if I could handle the truth. So instead, I operated every day - every single day - thinking, wondering what was going on in his head, was this enough, was I enough? Evaluating every physical touch to see if it changed, if it was a sign he was changing his mind about me. Constantly guessing at how he felt. And it was utterly, ****ing exhausting. His inability to express what he needed from me was on him, but me putting up with it, me wondering for months if we were progressing - me actually having to plan how and when to have this conversation for months - that was on me. I only hurt myself, and as much as I thought I was working on allowing myself to be vulnerable, I really wasn't. I was only thinking about it, telling myself I was.

All I can hope is that it was because he wasn't the right person, I didn't feel emotionally safe with him, and that I will get this opportunity with someone else.
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Old 20th March 2017, 5:06 PM   #56
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I'm going through the loss of a relationship, just over a week now so not in a good place at all.

It has been of immense help to me to read your posts. Thank you both, I have taken a lot of wise words from them.
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Old 20th March 2017, 10:48 PM   #57
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Hi Newheart-

This part of your post “I didn't feel emotionally safe with him” stuck out with me SO much. My ex was very expressive, as far as “I love you” “you are the best thing that ever happened to me” etc. When things were going great, and we were having fun, he was the best, sweetest partner I’ve ever had.

But if I had an issue with something (and there were some huge red flags, due to his lifestyle) he would shut down. He would look at me blankly and not say a word. I took to texting him about stuff I was upset about (big mistake, I see in retrospect).

After we had argued, my ex would show up at my door with flowers and/or a really sweet card. Of course I melted. We would talk a bit, but, looking back, everything was swept under the rug. We didn’t have the conversations about how we were going to be better in the future. The few times we did try to get deeper, we would talk in circles until we were exhausted and finally just go to bed.

Looking back, I feel like there were so many good times in our relationship, but that there were always issues lurking beneath the surface. I was afraid to take those issues too far, because my ex was so fun and affectionate and seemed so devoted to me. Like you, I was scared to get to the heart of the matter, because I did not want to lose him.

Just curious- do you feel like you were ever emotionally intimate with your ex? Like, really bared your soul to him? I don’t feel that way with my ex. I felt like he didn’t want to go there. We could talk forever about music, or books, or current events, our days, etc. Looking back, I can see that we never went deeper than that. I tried a few times, and he would answer questions, but not really ask me anything. Very “live in the moment.”

I continue to feel a bit better about stuff, every day, with some back sliding here and there. It’s funny- he had some work trips in Feb & March that I knew about from before we broke up. I think he would have returned from his last one this weekend. It’s weird to think that now I have no idea what he’s doing- or will do in the future. Just one of the last steps of totally disconnecting, I guess.

Hope you are hanging in there! (hugs)
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Old 21st March 2017, 10:51 PM   #58
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I continue to feel a bit better about stuff, every day, with some back sliding here and there. It’s funny- he had some work trips in Feb & March that I knew about from before we broke up. I think he would have returned from his last one this weekend. It’s weird to think that now I have no idea what he’s doing- or will do in the future. Just one of the last steps of totally disconnecting, I guess.
I can relate to this.

Especially the backsliding part. Hence, my posting here today. I knew what my ex was doing right up until our birthday on March 12th. Now I think of her during the day, in her windowless government office, with her gray file cabinet standing guard over her.

The damnable misery of it was that it was a miscommunication that 90% of other couples could have worked through. Her past made our first argument an exceptionally big deal to her.

In 24hrs, (maybe an hour), we were done in her mind.

For someone to tell me they spent the last few years of their life feeling worthless, and that they felt the opposite with me, makes it extremely difficult to wrap my head around how she could discard me so easily.

Last edited by airborne3502; 21st March 2017 at 10:56 PM..
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Old 25th March 2017, 9:46 AM   #59
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Hi Newheart-

This part of your post “I didn't feel emotionally safe with him” stuck out with me SO much. My ex was very expressive, as far as “I love you” “you are the best thing that ever happened to me” etc. When things were going great, and we were having fun, he was the best, sweetest partner I’ve ever had.

But if I had an issue with something (and there were some huge red flags, due to his lifestyle) he would shut down. He would look at me blankly and not say a word. I took to texting him about stuff I was upset about (big mistake, I see in retrospect).

After we had argued, my ex would show up at my door with flowers and/or a really sweet card. Of course I melted. We would talk a bit, but, looking back, everything was swept under the rug. We didn’t have the conversations about how we were going to be better in the future. The few times we did try to get deeper, we would talk in circles until we were exhausted and finally just go to bed.

Looking back, I feel like there were so many good times in our relationship, but that there were always issues lurking beneath the surface. I was afraid to take those issues too far, because my ex was so fun and affectionate and seemed so devoted to me. Like you, I was scared to get to the heart of the matter, because I did not want to lose him.

Just curious- do you feel like you were ever emotionally intimate with your ex? Like, really bared your soul to him? I don’t feel that way with my ex. I felt like he didn’t want to go there. We could talk forever about music, or books, or current events, our days, etc. Looking back, I can see that we never went deeper than that. I tried a few times, and he would answer questions, but not really ask me anything. Very “live in the moment.”

I continue to feel a bit better about stuff, every day, with some back sliding here and there. It’s funny- he had some work trips in Feb & March that I knew about from before we broke up. I think he would have returned from his last one this weekend. It’s weird to think that now I have no idea what he’s doing- or will do in the future. Just one of the last steps of totally disconnecting, I guess.

Hope you are hanging in there! (hugs)
Hi Jenny,

I am glad to hear that you are making progress, even if it is two steps forward one step back - you are still moving forward! Gosh, I can really relate to the shutting down, which is why as my protective measure, I just avoided anything I remotely thought may result in being shut down. I figured it would all naturally get sorted out one day, how silly was I? I also can relate to the weirdness of as time progresses, not knowing what is going on in his life. I also knew of a March business trip he had to take, but nothing beyond that. I wondered what he was doing last night ... well, I suppose I will write an update and get into that.

But in regards to your question about baring my soul - no, I don't think I ever did fully. He knew I had some deep wounds from a difficult childhood, and he did too, so we'd occasionally make reference to it (trying to make light of the situation) but if it ever took on a serious tone, he didn't know how to respond. Enter that blank look comment you made earlier. If ever I did seriously discuss it - and there were a couple times, but not 'soul baring' - he would listen intently, and he'd comfort me in the best way he knew how, but actively conversating about anything deep seemed uncomfortable for him, which made it uncomfortable for me. This is one of those things where I guess I chalk up our similar pasts to being more of a roadblock to us connecting, than a bridge. This is also why I found it so difficult, well impossible really, to discuss any sort of a future with him.

And yet, I think back to when we met, our first date(s), and how our relationship progressed, and I can't really identify at what point there was a red flag that would have alluded to these issues, not in the first 9 months of our relationship. Makes it scary to think I could fall that deeply in love with someone so wrong for me, and not see it.
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Old 25th March 2017, 9:49 AM   #60
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The damnable misery of it was that it was a miscommunication that 90% of other couples could have worked through. Her past made our first argument an exceptionally big deal to her.
I think about this all the time too, airborne. As in - how we threw away something that seemed so good over something that would have been such a minor blip on the radar for most anyone else, and will I ever find this again?

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Originally Posted by airborne3502 View Post
For someone to tell me they spent the last few years of their life feeling worthless, and that they felt the opposite with me, makes it extremely difficult to wrap my head around how she could discard me so easily.
You're probably well versed on dismissive avoidant attachment styles by now, but this is a classic move of theirs. It hurts people who put their heart on the line to love people like this, unfortunately. I wish I had words of wisdom because it seems nonsensical to most of us, but time really will help. (((hugs)))
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