DC77 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 (edited) Have any of you said some really hurtful things in a break up? I mean really hurtful?? The man I've been dating for 7 months broke up with me a couple days ago. Valentines Day actually. He's been deployed and our relationship has been kind of in limbo. I was a little surprised since we had just had a long convo a few days prior in which we were going to keep it together until he got back and go from there. He said he just wanted to make me happy. But I was okay. He needed out and there's nothing I can do about that. The real shock came when he said his ex was involved... Long story short, there have been 2 other women the entire time! and we've all been in contact. He lied to me about almost everything, and had slept with one of them on leave then came home to me...Needless to say, I lost my schit... I said said some really awful things (well texted) in the heat of the moment. Downright mean things attacking his character and manhood. I told him he was worthless and trash... As despicable as what he did was, I feel awful tearing someone apart like I did. He already has insecurity and self esteem issues and I had no business saying what I did. He brought out the best in me and the absolute worst. I've apologized to him but I can't take back what I said anymore than he can take back the lies. Just feeling pretty awful about being such a hurtful person. Edited February 17, 2017 by DC77 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I said said some really awful things (well texted) in the heat of the moment. Downright mean things attacking his character and manhood. I told him he was worthless and trash. https://media.giphy.com/media/10xZU9b7JBx14s/giphy.gif He already has insecurity and self esteem issues Good! Let's hope you've created a few more. and I had no business saying what I did. He brought out the best in me and the absolute worst. I've apologized to him Nooooooooooo but I can't take back what I said anymore than he can take back the lies. Just feeling pretty awful about being such a hurtful person. While you're fretting about whether you've hurt his feelings, he's probably in a bar happily regaling his military pals about being called a lying, cheating piece of scum by a woman. Low self esteem or not, put a guy in a room with a pack of other guys and he's going to be regaling a tale like that in a boastful way. So I wouldn't waste much time fretting over his self esteem issues. If he keeps on treating women in the same way that he treated you, the future probably holds a lot worse things in store for this one than anything you said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 You said what you felt you had to say in that moment. I guess you just have to sit with the uncomfortable feelings until they are done doing their job. I haven't said anything I didn't mean to someone who's done hurtful things to me. I went in on my ex when I found out that he was cheating and I'll never feel bad for that. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 no i havent done that...i have had some horrible things said to me in my years on earth ...and i dont intentionally set out to hurt anyone its actually good you apologized..shows your maturity and kind heart..it also helps you heal believe it or not...apologizing allows you to move on to bigger brighter things like a guy who really loves you and would never be cruel to you......sometimes when we get hurt we can become hurters...but if you have a good heart you feel guilt.....and you rectify what you feel guilty about....which allows you to form loving relationships free of bitterness and regret......with a deserving partner ....whom you deserve just as much.... things end for a reason cruel or with mutual consent...it doesnt matter they hurt either way...and some how we have to pick ourselves up and keep trekkin.....i told one guy once that i would never choose him....and i said this because he hurt me.....didnt really mean it....and it didnt make me feel any better to be mean....it made me feel worse...which si probably what you felt to apologize anyway....you feel worse when you react in a negative way it hurts your heart probably more than you hurt the person you intended to hurt.....this happens because when you love someone...being mean feels horrible..... whatever a guy does to you...never attack his manhood......for lying....penises dont lie....minds do though and men get in trouble when they try and think with their penises.....when you feel the need to be mean....think with your heart.....and ...just let go.......and heal...you did the right thing...you are more evolved because of your kindness...the right guy will love that about you...and now you are around the corner from meeting that guy when you give yourself some time to regroup..........best wishes...and hugs ...deb...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 It's totally understandable that you were hurtful to him, considering his traumatic disclosure. Don't feel bad about saying mean things to someone that selfish and deceptive. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I can't see that you did anything wrong. If you ask me, he got what was coming to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 @taramere he is actually on deployment in another country in the winter getting his butt handed to him. Thank you blue. That's how I feel... What he did was one of the worst things he could have done with us. What came out wasn't just him but memories of my ex of 10 years and the pain from his cheating. What came out was just ugly. I told him he was a sham and a fraud. Had no morals or character. A worthless excuse of a man. A dog. And trash... It was outright vindictive. I'm not sure if he has accepted my apology. He is out in the field right now on survival training. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I've been the recipient. Not just during the breakup. But for the entire marriage. Until I had enough and left. Then I got it worse after the breakup. She is a termagant and most likely BPD. Even so, she still has the nerve to proposition me for sex a few times a year. I'm either all bad or all good in her eyes it seems. I'm either HH (handsome husband) or despicable miscreant insulting word of the day. I ignore her but I can't really block her because we have kids together. I had the court order special third party communication software to be used for all non-emergency communication. That doesn't stop her from tearing into me in that software system, or blasting me with insults or propositions out of band. Both insults and out of band communication are in defiance of the court order. It's just easier to ignore than file a motion for contempt of court. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I can't see that you did anything wrong. If you ask me, he got what was coming to him. I recall nagging a boyfriend into watching Chicago with me. He was all "I hate musicals. I always hate them. All musicals. I always hate all musicals". You'll like this one, I promised. I'll just wind forward to a good part that I think you'll really enjoy. As it transpired, he had cheated on me just a few days previously. I bet sitting watching that scene with me wasn't his most comfortable moment ever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 @taramere he is actually on deployment in another country in the winter getting his butt handed to him. Do you take the view that because he's in the military, he gets more of a pass to cheat, and should be spared your anger? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 He is also being manipulated by his ex. I had the pleasure of her calling me through FB, drunk and in tears. I counseled her for a half hour and I learned a lot about him and her. If anything I feel sorry for him because he is just a man lost. No excuse for his behavior!! Not by any means, but makes me feel that much worse for saying what I said... When the convo was all said and done, she said I was the nicest person she's ever met...ironic. =( Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 Taramere, no I have no tolerance for cheating. Military or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 Jj66 I'm sorry to hear that. It's awful. And no one should be treated like that, which is my point and guilt. And I hope you know it's her issues, and not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 (edited) Taramere, no I have no tolerance for cheating. Military or not. Well...I think anybody who cheats has to be prepared for a very strong reaction to it. As I said before, if he goes through life treating other people in the way he treated you, he'd probably better get used to hearing that sort of criticism. Especially since he's in the military. The words you used were abusive, so I can understand you feeling bad about that. However, I get this nagging feeling that you're setting yourself a standard that goes beyond "not being abusive" and into the realms of "responding in a caring, therapeutic way to somebody who's being abusive to you". Because cheating on somebody is another form of abuse - and, I would say, a far worse one than calling somebody a few names. You calling him worthless trash because he cheated pales into nothing in comparison with the way a lot of people will react to being cheated on. I really wouldn't spend much more time worrying about having engaged in a bit of name calling. You regret it...fine. Move on for it and resolve to handle future high emotional drama situations without using terminology that you're likely to feel bad about later on. If you accept your own right to be angry in a situation like this, and focus on managing the anger rather than trying to quash it completely (in the bid to be a nice person) I think you're less likely to use abusive words like "worthless" and "trash" in the future. But too much "trying to be nice and understanding" can sometimes result in people eventually flipping out in the opposite direction. Edited February 17, 2017 by Taramere 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PeanutMom Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Don't feel bad. Trash is trash and should be treated as such. And I bet if he was doing this to you he will not have the capacity to even think any of what you said actually applies to him, even though it was probably the truth. It will roll right off his back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Thanks all for the input. Apologies were made on both sides and we can go our separate ways now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Knix Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Cheaters never stop cheating... if he had the lack of empathy to do it to you, he will keep doing it. It's almost like an addiction. Also BRAVO to his exes for keeping up with that garbage. They must be as low and scummy as he is. You have every right to tell him off, next time don't apologize **** him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Share Posted March 2, 2017 (edited) I recently posted about the guy I was dating for 7 months and how he was maintaining multiple women, including his ex of several years. None of us knew. When it all came out, 3 of us were in contact to get to the truth of the matter. We were all obviously upset! The ex even called me drunk and crying and I consoled her for a half hour... Thanks to FB there is yet a 4th woman and we have been in contact. The ex had said she wanted to know if there were more women. And tonight, as I'm trying to put myself out there online dating again, the ahole shows up in my prospects and online... So I felt the need to tell the ex the truth. I felt the need to warn her that yes there was another woman and he is out there looking for more. He hasn't learned a damn thing and another person doesn't need to get hurt. This earned me a text from the ahole. He asked me to stop upsetting her, or in other words, exposing his lies. Because he continues to lie to her. She asked me questions and I answered. It does not match what he's telling her. It's really sad but apparently no longer my business. I tried to do what I thought was the right thing, and I just turned myself into the bad guy. Now all I can do is put my tail between my legs and discontinue all contact. Many lessons learned... Does anyone else have a similar story?? How did you handle it?? Edited March 2, 2017 by DC77 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 You're right, it's no longer your business or responsibility. He's probably a great liar so he'll probably tell the women you try to warn that you're his psycho ex or something. Just block him and stay out of it from now on. You don't need that negativity in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 This earned me a text from the ahole. He asked me to stop upsetting her, or in other words, exposing his lies. Because he continues to lie to her. She asked me questions and I answered. It does not match what he's telling her. It's really sad but apparently no longer my business. I tried to do what I thought was the right thing, and I just turned myself into the bad guy. Now all I can do is put my tail between my legs and discontinue all contact. Many lessons learned... You are not the bad guy, he is. I am not sure why you are taking anything he says about you on board. Block him. If the "sisterhood" are backing you, then so what? He will not like it one bit, but he is not supposed to like it. He didn't care about any of you when he was busy sleeping with you all, did he? Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 @DC77 ~ I once had a girl call me out of the blue and she said she is his girlfriend and I said so was I. I am grateful that she called me or I would have been played a fool for even longer. We arranged to meet up for a coffee the next day and we were putting the pieces together. The guy got so angry at me, he was frantically texting and calling me not to meet up with her and continued to call during our meet up. I went to confront him afterwards, he was shaking and crying. Pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Share Posted March 2, 2017 The last thing I texted to this guy was she deserved the truth because she asked. And that I didn't intend to hurt her... He has come back now with how do I know what he's told her and why do I still care... Well I know because she told me! She asked questions. And not one more person deserves to get hurt... BUT should I even answer his text?? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 The last thing I texted to this guy was she deserved the truth because she asked. And that I didn't intend to hurt her... He has come back now with how do I know what he's told her and why do I still care... Well I know because she told me! She asked questions. And not one more person deserves to get hurt... BUT should I even answer his text?? No, block him. You do not need to justify anything to him or take any of his nonsense. He is just trying to save his own skin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 (edited) I would answer her questions truthfully as long as she seems like she will take action on it. If she doesn't pack up and leave him behind, then I'd stop messing with her too. I think what you're doing is fine. He's a tool, and she has a right to know it. As long as she doesn't choose to believe him in the end, it's all good. If she starts showings signs of that, tell her, "Look, I'm making him really mad by talking to you and it's not worth it to me unless you believe me and act on it." I once worked with a guy who was either a con artist or a sociopath or both, and had drug issues and violence issues. He had me on a pedestal. I was his boss. I was the only female he had on a pedestal. He and I occasionally would be seen at a music club talking or dancing, but we weren't dating. He picked up a new woman just about every time he went out. A couple of times one would come where he worked. They knew he respected me so I guess he talked about me in a good way to them. They would tell me he was violent, and with him standing right there, I would tell them to stop seeing him, that I certainly had no power to stop him from being violent, that we just worked together and were kind of friends. It was very sad overall. He got a long-term girlfriend and abused her too, and they would seek me out. They both seemed to think I ought to be able to fix them. They got stranded at my home in the country once in a snowstorm and it turned violent. I then found out about his erectile dysfunction which would set him off to be violent. I know a part of him wanted me to be able to help, and other than suggesting he start therapy and quit doing speed, there was nothing I could do. He knew I told these women to leave and still let them come around me because he knew he needed help. It was just sad all the way around. But you help when and if you can. I hope at least a couple of the short-term ones took my advice and got out. Edited March 2, 2017 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Share Posted March 2, 2017 She is choosing to believe him and he is running to her rescue. I am discontinuing all contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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