What's happening to me?

[Timboo]

Hi all - here's the lowdown - I've been married for 5 years, been together with my wife for 10 and we now have two young kids. Over the weekend, I opened up to her that I'm just not feeling in love with her anymore (this has been brewing for some time) - and that I love and admire her as a friend and the mother of our kids, but am just unsure that she's for me... Historically, we broke up just before we found out she was pregnant (for about the 4th time!) with our first child, but then decided to get married and try to work through issues together. (I wonder if we would be together today if it wasn't for kids?).

 

The problem now that has really cemented my feeling is in the workplace- I've started a new job, all is going well except for this woman in the office - I am purely infatuated by her and literally cannot get her off my mind. She's 21 and I'm 30. As far as I'm aware you she has a boyfriend, but I cannot seem to get over of the fact that there maybe some chemistry between us. She walks past my office and it's the gazes at each other - my heart nearly leaps out of my chest - and when she comes to chat to me in my office, I must seem like a deer in headlights - I can only think of one word, it's like intoxicating !!

 

What do I do - I feel that the only way to get through this is to flat out ask this girl (something stupid) like do you want to go out, or, to tell her how I feel. I've read infatuations do pass - but I'm not believing it at the moment! I have a reasonably senior position too, but she works in a different department.

 

So, as of now, my wife is at her parents house with the kids - God, I miss them - it's so quiet and I'm depressed....I just have to know if anything is possible with this girl before I can move on..maybe even back with my wife...is any of this making sense??

 

thanks all for listening!

[moimeme]

As far as I'm aware you she has a boyfriend, but I cannot seem to get over of the fact that there maybe some chemistry between us. She walks past my office and it's the gazes at each other - my heart nearly leaps out of my chest - and when she comes to chat to me in my office, I must seem like a deer in headlights - I can only think of one word, it's like intoxicating !!

 

'Chemisty' is just biology's way of persuading us to reproduce. You don't know a thing about this girl except how she looks. This is nothing more than your hormones hollering. Sure, there's something possible with her - you can have a roll in the hay and lose your wife and kids - and then very likely find out that just because this gal turns you on does not mean you're compatible in any other way. The sort of chemistry you're talking about is absolutely no predictor of compatibility at all.

 

So your choice is to follow your gonads and maybe lose everything you value or to realize this is just your crotch and eyeballs trying to persuade you that lust is the be-all and end-all of life.

[simon_uk]

Originally posted by Timboo

 

I just have to know if anything is possible with this girl before I can move on..maybe even back with my wife...is any of this making sense??

 

thanks all for listening!

 

See thats one of the problems with men. They won't leave something until they have got something else to replace it with. What you are saying is if you ask this girl out and she says no, then you may make another go at things with your wife? Why dont you just make the effort with your wife in the first place???

 

I'll tell you what will happen, you will ask this girl out, leave your wife and probably break her heart. you will be with the new girl a few months and realise that she may look great but a) she is not the sex kitten in bed I thought she would be b) you have nothing in common or worst of all c) she will leave you.

 

Then you will be begging and pleading for another chance with your wife, who may well have moved on or may just not want to be with you after the way you treated her.

 

Dude! You have to make the effort with your wife now! Set a time limit, I dont know maybe 3, 6 months and say you are going to give it your all with your wife. If after that time you still feel the same then maybe you should move on but don't rely on another woman being in your life before you do.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree completely with Moimeme and Simon_uk.

 

There IS a biological component of sexual attraction that you will ignore only to your family's extreme detriment.

 

I think perhaps you already know that acting on your impulses is not the thing to do, otherwise.....you wouldn't be here. You'd have just done it.

 

Your higher thought processes are at war with your PANTS. So, who makes your decisions for you anyway?

 

If you do as Simon suggested and give your marriage your COMPLETE attention for 6 months. You will be in a better position to make a good decision.

 

I would suggest to you that you read everything you can get your hands on regarding the marital relationship, and make an expert of yourself in that time. If you start with The Five Love Languages, you will get some information on the feeling of being in love. It's an easy read too.

 

Don't trade on your personal integrity in order to avoid your relationship problems. It's a bit of a sub-conscious coping mechanism. Sometimes when a problem seems vague, and we just can't quite figure out what is REALLY troubling us, we allow ourselves to become distracted in this way.

 

If you're not having any luck finding the true source of your unhappiness and confusion, you might consider IC (individual counseling).

 

Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand your dilemma: infatuation is a beast that thrives when you starve it, and often dies when you feed it. Right now you have no opportunity to feed it, so it is raging nearly out of control.

 

Sometimes it takes nothing more than a good pop of reality to douse an infatuation. What to do? Go to marriage counseling, confess everything you feel for this girl in the sessions, and work with your counselor and your wife to pinpoint those things that make you want to put your wife aside to act on those attractions. Attraction is normal. The willingness to put aside your family in order to act on that attraction suggests some dissatisfaction with the relationship in general. Maybe you two can work on those things together to try to fix those things that give you the motivation to act on your attractions to the detriment of your marriage.

[EC]

ASo what your saying is that you are willing to give up and let go of your wife...your wife that has been through think and thin with you..the woman you married,...the mother of your kids!! Your willing to leave and hurt your children. The children that call you daddy and love you and admire you? Your willing to leave allllllllllllll that..for a 21 year old girl who probably doesnt even know how to wipe her own A$$..just so you can f*ck her? Because you do know thats all it is..

 

I agree with the other posters. Give 6 months of complete attention to your marriage. Try to make it work. Go to MC. Dont throw it all away for a couple seconds of pleasure.

[Angeleyez2583]

I think before you throw everything away, you should see what good things you and your wife have. Sometimes love develops into friendship, or what feels like friendship because it is so comfortable. You need to analyze your situation. Make a list. Mark all the positives and negatives down about your marriage. Maybe the passion isn't there anymore? If it's not do something about it. Take your wife on a romantic getaway somewhere. Routines get boring, so liven the relationship up.

 

Do you really want to lose the relationship you have with your wife over some 21 yr old girl?

 

I think you and your wife should try counseling.

[Ty]

Your going to do what your going to do. Infatuation has a way of making us hard headed, especially us men. If you don't feel the same way about your wife anymore, reguardless of having kids, then you shouldn't be in the marriage. Just because you get divorced doesn't mean that you can't be a good father, which I think that is what everyone, especially the females, are implying (no offense intended). Just my two cents. On the other hand, trying to think like a woman for a second, I do feel bad for the wife, that must hurt like hell to have a husband, the father of her kids, tell her that you just doesn't love her the same way anymore. I'd be devastated. Do as you please though.

[theone44]

Originally posted by Timboo

Hi all - here's the lowdown - I've been married for 5 years, been together with my wife for 10 and we now have two young kids. Over the weekend, I opened up to her that I'm just not feeling in love with her anymore (this has been brewing for some time) - and that I love and admire her as a friend and the mother of our kids, but am just unsure that she's for me... Historically, we broke up just before we found out she was pregnant (for about the 4th time!) with our first child, but then decided to get married and try to work through issues together. (I wonder if we would be together today if it wasn't for kids?).

 

The problem now that has really cemented my feeling is in the workplace- I've started a new job, all is going well except for this woman in the office - I am purely infatuated by her and literally cannot get her off my mind. She's 21 and I'm 30. As far as I'm aware you she has a boyfriend, but I cannot seem to get over of the fact that there maybe some chemistry between us. She walks past my office and it's the gazes at each other - my heart nearly leaps out of my chest - and when she comes to chat to me in my office, I must seem like a deer in headlights - I can only think of one word, it's like intoxicating !!

 

What do I do - I feel that the only way to get through this is to flat out ask this girl (something stupid) like do you want to go out, or, to tell her how I feel. I've read infatuations do pass - but I'm not believing it at the moment! I have a reasonably senior position too, but she works in a different department.

 

So, as of now, my wife is at her parents house with the kids - God, I miss them - it's so quiet and I'm depressed....I just have to know if anything is possible with this girl before I can move on..maybe even back with my wife...is any of this making sense??

 

thanks all for listening!

 

 

 

 

"See what happen when you are horny...It can get you into a lot of trouble"

[Timboo]

Thanks everyone for the response - I think counselling could be a good way to start - my main concern is the kids, I love those guys - having come from a broken family, it's not something I thought I'd do the them.

 

I spoke with my brother last night that said 1) fight those hormones! 2) Stop thinking with your genitals (in not so nice terms!) 3) office relationships can be trouble. All true i guess. I then went on to ask him what can I do about this girl - ignore her? He said to me (and this made sense) if you deprive yourself, you'll only want her more... so today, I'm really going to try and take a step back and just be LESS conscious of her...will let you all know how I go..

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Timboo

Thanks everyone for the response - I think counselling could be a good way to start - my main concern is the kids, I love those guys - having come from a broken family, it's not something I thought I'd do the them.

 

I spoke with my brother last night that said 1) fight those hormones! 2) Stop thinking with your genitals (in not so nice terms!) 3) office relationships can be trouble. All true i guess. I then went on to ask him what can I do about this girl - ignore her? He said to me (and this made sense) if you deprive yourself, you'll only want her more... so today, I'm really going to try and take a step back and just be LESS conscious of her...will let you all know how I go..

 

Your brother is a good man. Listen to him.

 

Also, talk things out with your wife. You just crushed her spirit. You should be trying to rekindle the feelings. At least try.

[simplyconfused]

At least if you will first give it a try with your wife and it doesn't work out then you won't have any regrets which you might have if you put that collegue of yours in the first place+ you probably won't feel as guilty, as you'l know for sure that you can't carry on living with your wife.

[moon]

OP, You are not available to date anyone. If you have any integrity or honor in your life (for the sake of your kids at least) you'll keep your distance from this 21 year old.

 

You have a wife and kids. Nobody forced you to merge your life with this woman or to have kids with her. You did this all on your own. Even though you are having some regret, you should do all that is possible to try to either get out of the marriage with dignity (NO CHEATING WITH THE OFFICE GIRL) or get yourself some counseling.

 

It just blows my mind how people with families----a huge committment--- think it might be okay to toss it aside for some physically attractive other person. Do you have any morals or integrity in your life????? Do you want your kids to think you're a loser---whispering behind your back and thinking what a dog you are, if you take off on your wife with some young girl. Come on!!!! Get with the program. Seriously, you came to the right place for advice.....now use it!!!!!

[MistressD]

I hear in your post that the problem is not your gonads. The problem is your love for your wife. From your post, I gather that your marriage is not what you want therefore you have allowed yourself to stray at least in your heart. I believe if your love was stronger for your wife, you would not allow this in at least strongly as you do. I have seen men and when they truly fall in love with a woman their behavior is totally different even if it has been 10 years. I admire your sense of duty to your wife. But, if you are there with her out of duty, maybe you should consider if she wants a husband who is there only for duty rather than love. Personally, I wouldnt want that. I want a man to love me, be totally in love with me and be with me because he loves me. However, you cannot chuck your duty and responsibility to your family. You do need to make sure of that even if you decide not to reconcile your marriage. Personally, I would not want my husband back in the house nor would I want to go back to him if he felt the way you did. However, I would want him to make sure we were taken care of until I could take care of myself...if that was an issue. You need to work out what you want before you can work out your marriage. I wouldnt reconcile until you without a doubt are sure you want your marriage. This is risky should she decide to move on without you while you are trying to figure out what you want. But, it isnt working the way that it is. Like someone else said earlier that does not mean you will be a bad dad. You can still be a good dad separated/divorced.